Infertility & baby shower invite

[LoudingVoice]

I don’t know how to handle this without causing a fall out.

After two rounds of IVF, the second ending in a missed miscarriage we’ve had to try and come to terms with not having children. Adoption is a possibility but I don’t see it as a simple concept and don’t know yet if I have the strength to deal with it.

SIL is pregnant, fourth baby, fairly unexpected.

We generally have a good relationship but haven’t spoken directly about the new baby although I have seen her. She text my DH to tell him, which he was a bit upset about but I think she was trying to be sensitive because she knows about the IVF.

Some of her friends are throwing a surprise baby shower… and I’m just not in the frame of mind for baby showers, I am genuinely happy for her, but it’s all a bit much for me and I worry I’ll get upset and I don’t want it to be about me and our issues.

But how can I not go? It’s 5mins away, they offered various dates, technically I’m free.

MIL is very overly sentimental/smothering at the best of times, I think I’m going to find the whole baby shower thing too much to deal with knowing how fawning she’s going to be, and I absolutely dread anyone asking me when/if we’re having a baby.

Obviously once the baby is here it’s different, we can visit in our own time, I visited my friend with a new baby just last week, it’s just the baby shower concept I’m struggling with for some reason.

How do I decline? I’m tempted to just feign illness on the day??

Sorry for what you have been through, I totally understand a baby shower is the last thing you want to do.

Can you wait until they have set a date and have other plans?

Honestly OP just politely decline/be busy, any decent SIL would understand

Don’t go. Baby showers are marmite anyway, especially for a 4th baby.

Tell them a few days beforehand that you’re unwell so they know not to expect you (it’s not a total lie - you’re looking after your mental health) and do something on the day that takes your mind off it.

I wouldn't usually advocate lying but it you really can't face it (and it's completely understandable why) then you could always agree and then fake illness on the day, providing nobody is going to lose money of course.

I think you have to protect your own mental health first and foremost and this is just the easiest way to do that and avoid conflict.

Just decline. Font give a reason.

Just tell her!! Personally!

Sorry SIL, I’d love to come to the baby shower, but its a bit much for my at the moment, I’m sure you’ll understand. I’m really looking forward to the baby coming, I just don’t think I can manage an afternoon of baby stuff, I’m feeling a bit fragile about it all.

Then stick to your guns.

A baby shower for a fourth baby is ridiculous.

Honestly...I'd give a date I can do...then when it comes round, say you're sick with a tummy bug

If she knows about the IVF, I would just send her an honest message saying you're thrilled for her, but hope she understands that the baby shower is too hard to cope with at the moment. Give her a gift a few days before.

Thank you everyone for understanding, I was worried I was being melodramatic but honestly I just feel like I’d be crushing myself.

It’s at someone’s house so no restaurant booking to pay for or anything like that.

I think I’ll just ignore it for now and say I’m not well a couple of days before, that’s such a valid point @YellowPlant, the thought of it is making me feel anxious/upset/unwell anyway so it’s not a lie at all!

Don’t go. I’d completely understand. She won’t know you aren’t there until the day and unless you are also in her friendship circle, I’m assuming you can just say you can’t make the dates and to go ahead without you

Why do you feel you can’t just be honest?

Anyone with even a tiny amount of empathy would be able to see that a baby shower wouldn’t be a fun afternoon for someone who has fertility issues and has just suffered a miscarriage.

Sorry for your losses OP. I've never heard of a baby shower for number 4!!!

I'd give a gift and politely decline. 'Congratulations XXX, thank you for the invite, but I'm taking some time out to heal/for myself/to reflect' 'Wishing you all the best and we will catch up very soon'.

I've had 3 losses, 2 rounds of IVF- and one resulted in MC. I'm also at the stage where its very unlikely I will ever have my own children. We all grieve differently though, so dont feel pressured by MIL or anyone else to go. Maybe make arrangements to meet her in a few weeks if you feel able.

The baby shower is a surprise, SIL knows nothing about it, her friends are organising it.

I've been in a similar situation but on the other end. My sister has been struggling with infertility, when my friends invited her to the baby shower it was with the caveat that of course I'd love her there but also totally understand if she doesn't want to come if it's too sensitive.

I'm sure your SIL will understand 💖

I wouldn't be honest...lots of people are quite unsympathetic about stuff like this and you could end up being accused of being bitter or jealous. Sorry but it's true. Not everyone is understanding

From the opposite perspective, I am currently pregnant with my second child and my best friend is having a terrible time with IVF and is now coming to terms with adoption.

I am not having a baby shower but I would totally understand if I was and she made her personal choice not to come. That would be more than reasonable and understandable.

We are so close but recently we see each other occasionally where I will make sure we talk about everything - not just the bump! Everyone is on their own journeys in life (she got married a few days after I had a break up and thought my life was ending so going to her wedding killed me) and I would personally hope if a situation like yours did occur, she would just speak to me openly rather than feeling she had to lie to me or make excuses.

@FairyCakeWings

Why do you feel you can’t just be honest?

Anyone with even a tiny amount of empathy would be able to see that a baby shower wouldn’t be a fun afternoon for someone who has fertility issues and has just suffered a miscarriage.

The invite has come via one of her friends who is organising it as a surprise, I barely know her so don’t want to start going into detail to her personally.

We’ll obviously see her once the baby arrives & take a gift then.

If I was the SIL I defo wouldn't mind at all if you didn't come, id hate for you to be there and miserable. Everyone here says to text first with news for a couple having trouble ttc so id day that's why she did.
Id say yes to every date so they don't plan around you and as you say cancel at the time. Or if you're more comfortable being up front then text one of the organizers privately and say "I'm really not up for it, I'll see how I am on the day but plan without me, dh and I will do something special to mark the occasion with SIL Instead" or whatever you want.

Absolutely do not go. You have to prioritise your own health here. Make up an illness on the day if you have to. Only share the real reason for not going with SIL if you are totally sure she will be understanding. You would think that any reasonable person would understand your feelings but some people have little empathy around this issue. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, it's so tough, and very few people understand

Feign illness on the day & then mention to your SIL truth afterwards (sounds like she understands).

It’s not her friends’ business so why get involved

Sorry re miscarriage and hope it works out for you

just decline the invite and if your sil is someone you are close to, speak to her privately about it. if shes decent she will understand.

Decline the invite, but text your sil on the day with an explanation. So for example, if its at 3, text at 5. That way she won't be mulling over the reason why you didn't come, you don't spoil the surprise and she wont have time to think and make up an inaccurate assumption for the reason you didnt come.

Just be honest. Send a lovely note direct to your sister in law times to arrive after the surprise baby shower or have DH drop it off on the day if nearby.

Something like “we’re so thrilled to be an auntie and uncle again and are excited to meet the new baby. As you may know we are really struggling with fertility at the moment and we are at a particularly low moment, so I’m not able to make your baby shower. I know you’ll understand. Much love”

I think you should go. My sister went through several Failed IVF attempts but she put on a brave face and smiled through christenings, baby showers etc and was still happy for other people and celebrated other peoples joy.

Really? There is no way I would have gone to a baby shower after my failed ivf or miscarriages. No way.