Infertility & baby shower invite

[LoudingVoice]

I don’t know how to handle this without causing a fall out.

After two rounds of IVF, the second ending in a missed miscarriage we’ve had to try and come to terms with not having children. Adoption is a possibility but I don’t see it as a simple concept and don’t know yet if I have the strength to deal with it.

SIL is pregnant, fourth baby, fairly unexpected.

We generally have a good relationship but haven’t spoken directly about the new baby although I have seen her. She text my DH to tell him, which he was a bit upset about but I think she was trying to be sensitive because she knows about the IVF.

Some of her friends are throwing a surprise baby shower… and I’m just not in the frame of mind for baby showers, I am genuinely happy for her, but it’s all a bit much for me and I worry I’ll get upset and I don’t want it to be about me and our issues.

But how can I not go? It’s 5mins away, they offered various dates, technically I’m free.

MIL is very overly sentimental/smothering at the best of times, I think I’m going to find the whole baby shower thing too much to deal with knowing how fawning she’s going to be, and I absolutely dread anyone asking me when/if we’re having a baby.

Obviously once the baby is here it’s different, we can visit in our own time, I visited my friend with a new baby just last week, it’s just the baby shower concept I’m struggling with for some reason.

How do I decline? I’m tempted to just feign illness on the day??

Apologies - that was aimed at the PP.
I would just say to the person who had invited you that you won’t be going and your SIL will entirely understand- no need to say any more. Anyone with a few brain cells will surely work out roughly what the issue is.
💐

I've been going through IVF. It's hell. I'm sorry for all you've been through and your miscarriage. If attending will cause you any distress or discomfort please put yourself first. You can give a polite excuse of migraine / illness before the event.

@SunflowerTed

I think you should go. My sister went through several Failed IVF attempts but she put on a brave face and smiled through christenings, baby showers etc and was still happy for other people and celebrated other peoples joy.

Just because your sister could do it without outwardly dissolving doesn’t mean that others can @SunflowerTed. She may have found those things extremely painful internally. Lots of people going through fertility struggles would.

Also, the OP has said she’s happy to celebrate with family when the baby is here. She’s still aware of the joy others are feeling. She’s just trying to find the best way to protect herself at the same time.

I put on a brave face for 18 years at which point we adopted our gorgeous twins. I never had IVF but I did have a miscarriage. Hardest season ever. Some announcements/ baby showers were easier than others but I attended them all bar one. The accumulative effect of setting aside my own feelings/emotional needs landed me with chronic fatigue 13 years in. This made the adoption process even harder. You have to decide what you can genuinely face not just do 'what's right.' I was scared I'd be judged as bitter when I'm not (I have plenty of other faults) and of being isolated or pitied but ultimately I had to trust others. I did lose friends on account of my fertility issues but life has a way of restoring what's lost in the most unexpected ways. Wishing you strength.

If it's a surprise shower, simply let the friend know the day before that you can't make it. You don't need to go into explanations. If you feel that you need a reason, just say you're unwell.

If SIL asks you why you weren't there, simply tell the truth, and say that you didn't feel able to tell the friends about your problems.

@Hillsmakeyoustrong

I put on a brave face for 18 years at which point we adopted our gorgeous twins. I never had IVF but I did have a miscarriage. Hardest season ever. Some announcements/ baby showers were easier than others but I attended them all bar one. The accumulative effect of setting aside my own feelings/emotional needs landed me with chronic fatigue 13 years in. This made the adoption process even harder. You have to decide what you can genuinely face not just do 'what's right.' I was scared I'd be judged as bitter when I'm not (I have plenty of other faults) and of being isolated or pitied but ultimately I had to trust others. I did lose friends on account of my fertility issues but life has a way of restoring what's lost in the most unexpected ways. Wishing you strength.

Glad you got your gorgeous twins. My sister also adopted - a great thing xx

Unpopular opinion maybe, but I suspect she would also be relieved if you did not show up. I am sure she knows its hard on you, however not inviting you was not an option either. So just make up an excuse, I am sure she won't mind.

Thanks @SunflowerTed :)

I've been in your situation, not IVF but me and friend found out we was pregnant the same day and we was due 5 days apart sadly I miss carried and she went on to have a lovely baby girl, I was invited to the baby shower I didn't really want to go I found it hard to buy a gift know I would have been buying my own baby stuff I went to the baby shower but it was more so people wouldn't know assume I found it difficult, I think it's a personal choice and I'm sure your SIL will understand and if they don't then shame on them

Don't lie, just call her, explain that whilst you are very happy for her and look forward to meeting your niece/nephew you are struggling at the moment due to the unsuccessful ivf and miscarriage. Completely true and she hopefully will understand

Obviously if it's a surprise you call her the following day to explain of course

I couldn't have children and I'm afraid baby showers are my red line. Fortunately they're weren't so much of a thing when I was still TTC. I was invited to one recently but graciously declined and wished the mother to be well. She was fine.

I think I'd thank the friend and just say "I'm sorry I can't make it. SIL will understand and she knows I'm very happy for her."

Personally not a fan of them anyway mainly because I'm too superstitious to celebrate a baby that hasn't yet arrived. But having been pregnant knowing other friends have been struggling with infertility have always tried to not bring it up and when told them about it tried to do it as sympathetically as possible so would completely understand you not wanting to attend. I would make an excuse at the time abs then after it has happened just message and be honest about why you weren't there. Sending hugs can't imagine how hard it is without having to worry about things like this.

@SunflowerTed

I think you should go. My sister went through several Failed IVF attempts but she put on a brave face and smiled through christenings, baby showers etc and was still happy for other people and celebrated other peoples joy.

Bit insensitive. Everyone is different and not everyone can just ‘put on a brave face’. Sometimes people are going through things and need to make the right choices for themselves to stay well and healthy. It’s not a personal affront to anyone!

OP just decline the invite and maybe text SIL after the event to explain if you feel you need to. She’ll understand.

Poor you. You definitely shouldn't go and just say to the organiser- I'm sorry but I'm not up to it at the moment. They'd have to be absolutely horrible not to understand that. X

Hugs to you Xxx The timing of this whole thing is really unfortunate. But, your SIL seems to understand and be supportive of you (calling your DH instead of you directly), so what I would do, is to visit her the day before (or even the weekend before), with a gift and wish her the best and explain that you are still recovering and you wouldn't be comfortable going to a party atm. This way, you're still keeping the family connection, and avoid the shower.

Just don't go, and make a polite excuse, the more you explain the more people pry. If family pressure you I'd say firmly "Please don't ask me, I'm happy for SIL but I will find it too upsetting". I went to one baby shower and it was one too many, even after adopting. I love babies and am really happy to hear friends are expecting but an entire baby themed evening with naff games of hunt the nappy is too much. Can't watch Call the Midwife or anything like that either!