Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being ungrateful?

43 replies

DanniG1 · 11/03/2022 21:46

I'm stuck on the fence about whether I'm being ungrateful and over reacting, or if I'm justified to feel how I feel.

My partner and I have been together for a couple of years, expecting our first baby together and.... today is my birthday.

We stayed over night somewhere last weekend which partner booked which was nice (but was booked in a fluster when he realised he'd offered to work all weekend this weekend) and he said he would cook for me on my actual birthday.

This morning I wake up and there's no card or any sign it's my birthday except a WhatsApp message when he arrived at work and then followed up with messages about how stressful his day was.

He bought home a card which he had picked up on the way home and scribbled in and then proceeded to ask me what I want for dinner because he needed to go and buy whatever I wanted.

I just feel like a total after thought and that every thing was rushed last minute. He couldn't understand why I was upset about it, but I just feel really crappy that he hadn't put any thought at all into one day of the year.

Everything just felt totally lazy and unbothered when I wasn't expecting bells and whistles in the first place.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/03/2022 21:49

You're not being unreasonable. I know you didn't expect the moon and stars, but he didn't make any effort whatsoever.

Holothane · 11/03/2022 21:51

Right bit late now but tomorrow if you drink bottle of wine favourites film treats takeaway sod him he can get chips from the chippy.

Original poster
DanniG1 · 11/03/2022 21:57

@Aquamarine1029 @Holothane thank you both for your replies.

I'd have been happy with a card left out this morning and a something simple bought home for dinner this evening. Last minute srambles just feel so thoughtless.

Definitely treating myself to a nice dinner and chocolate tomorrow!

OP posts:
iPaddy · 11/03/2022 22:00

@Holothane

Right bit late now but tomorrow if you drink bottle of wine favourites film treats takeaway sod him he can get chips from the chippy.
OP is pregnant I don't think she'll be downing a bottle of wine...
Thatsplentyjack · 11/03/2022 22:03

Well now you know what to do on his birthday.

Misreadprob · 11/03/2022 22:17

Um, yeah you're pregnant and rightly want attention but he's stressed and you're wanting stuff from him. He sounds like he's trying somewhat so appreciate that. Yeah it's not perfect but hopefully come next year things will be better and he'll have the headspace to be more thoughtful. Few hints wouldn't go amiss though - maybe you won't have to wait a year

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/03/2022 22:20

He’s been crap. Sorry. What was he like last year?

Original poster
DanniG1 · 11/03/2022 22:25

@Misreadprob yeah I guess that could be why!

@AnneLovesGilbert last year we were in lock down and didn't live together so I didn't see him until the day after and we weren't able to do anything unfortunately. He had flowers delivered to me.

As it happens on Valentines day he asked me 3 days before "do you want to go for dinner somewhere? Pick somewhere and I'll book it".....

I told him not to worry as I knew there wouldn't be anywhere with any tables still available at that late notice 🙈

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 11/03/2022 23:00

I"m sorry, my ex was the same with birthdays. Just an after thought. After a while I started being the same with him, which I didn't enjoy doing either. I think people like him don't change, that's just how they are.

mnetting · 12/03/2022 09:24

It's a difficult one as people have different expectations, you stayed overnight somewhere last weekend which he booked, he bought you a card and was prepared to cook you a nice dinner, but presumably didn't get a lot of thanks as you were upset so I'm guessing he won't bother next time.
To me it's sounds like you validate your worth on how much he does for your birthday when really it should be about spending time together which was his plan with a night away and him cooking dinner.
He bought you a card but you moan it was on his way home.
Sounds to me like you're high maintenance and his efforts weren't enough for you.
What lengths did you go to for his birthday?

lemongreentea · 12/03/2022 09:31

do the same for his birthday. stop wasting your energy on him ad treat yourself with the money saved.

Original poster
DanniG1 · 12/03/2022 09:57

@mnetting thanks for the reply it's good to get a different perspective. So you think it's high maintenance to have hoped for a card when I woke up rather than bought on the way home? It's more about the fact it's a rushed after thought that upset me.

He did offer to cook dinner but then asked me around 6pm what I wanted him to fetch which again to me showed no prior thought involved. Maybe I am being ungrateful?

For his birthday I had a cake made with his favourite chocolates on top, took him to a new cafe for breakfast and coffee, booked a virtual reality experience for the afternoon and got him a card and gift.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 12/03/2022 10:24

He took you away last weekend knowing he was working - that is life sometimes as adults your birthday has to be celebrated around responsibilities.

My Mr is rubbish at doing anything for my birthday but that's ok he always has been and he doesn't expect anything different for himself.

Just tell him he made you feel rubbish, it's not like you can go out on the razz with friends being pregnant. Forgive him and move on. We all have crap birthdays from time to time. It's not the end of the world.

GreyCarpet · 12/03/2022 15:00

I don't celebrate my birthday and haven't done for about 20 years. I appreciate that others do and try to make the effort but it always feels like am added pressure to an already stressful life, if I'm honest.

I'd rather buy someone a gift because I saw it and thought of them than doing so because it's a specific date upon which I required to. A card is a folded piece of paper from a shop that someone has searched through (or not) to find the most suitable one.

However, there are otherr ways of making am effort and showing you care...

Tractordiggerdump · 12/03/2022 15:08

You are not 5.

Muppetlove · 12/03/2022 15:19

My DH appreciates a few hints like for my second birthday I said I'd like a nice low key lunch somewhere in the Lake District, which is near where we live. He could then go and find a good low key restaurant. I have to say he chose a beautiful place too that I'd never have expected. I feel the tell me what you want is a cop out so this way he has some idea but also needs to make some effort

Crikeyalmighty · 12/03/2022 15:30

I’m with @Tractordiggerdump. I never get the obsession on here about birthdays etc. I think people divide into two — those that make a big deal, those that don’t . Maybe it’s because those that do grew up in households where a huge fuss was made, I didn’t and hence they’ve never really mattered to me much.

lovelyweathertoday · 12/03/2022 15:38

You are most definitely not high maintenance for expecting the card to be bought in advance!

Don't play games with him, explain your expectations and have a discussion about what to expect next time. Point out that you want to be treated the same way you treated him.

AddictedToOlives · 12/03/2022 17:58

You’re not being unreasonable or high maintenance but equally he has not done anything wrong either. He has just done the minimum rather than gone to lots of effort. He got you a card, and was going to cook what you wanted for dinner so I bet from his POV he has done his best. And he did WApp you a birthday msg despite having a stressful day at work… so he was thinking of you and has tried.

I notice you have only been together a couple of years so you haven’t celebrated many birthdays together yet. Maybe one of your Love Languages is gifts? Suggest you google/investigate them if you don’t know…
I agree with PP, do talk to him about your disappointment (maybe in a few days though) and set expectations for another year

StarbucksQueen · 12/03/2022 18:43

Happy Birthday for yesterday OP.. it was my birthday yesterday too!... my OH makes the effort, but even now doesn't seem to know what I like.. we've settled on me mentioning a couple of items I might like, and me receiving one of them as a birthday present.. I guess it takes the surprise element out of my birthday - but it also stops him panic buying something... you do need to let him know how this has made you feel though, like someone else said, he might not be that fussed about his birthday, and thinks everyone feels the same :)

TurquoiseDragon · 12/03/2022 18:56

[quote DanniG1]@mnetting thanks for the reply it's good to get a different perspective. So you think it's high maintenance to have hoped for a card when I woke up rather than bought on the way home? It's more about the fact it's a rushed after thought that upset me.

He did offer to cook dinner but then asked me around 6pm what I wanted him to fetch which again to me showed no prior thought involved. Maybe I am being ungrateful?

For his birthday I had a cake made with his favourite chocolates on top, took him to a new cafe for breakfast and coffee, booked a virtual reality experience for the afternoon and got him a card and gift.[/quote]
You are not being ungrateful.

Your birthday is on the same day every year, it's not like it's a sudden surprise for anyone. With everyone having smart phones these days, there's no excuse for not putting reminders there.

It's not being high maintenance to think he could have bought a card before the day, ready to leave out on the morning. Or for him to have thought about dinner beforehand either.

I also wouldn't give him a pass because of stress. He wishes you happy birthday then immediately turns the attention back to him by complaining about stress. He could have given you one day where the attention was on you.

I spent far too many years with a selfish, arrogant, abusive git who couldn't even be bothered to wish me happy birthday some years, but who expected me to pay lots of attention to his birthday.

TurquoiseDragon · 12/03/2022 18:59

Love languages only exist when both sides are decent people.

My ex didn't do love languages, because it was always all about him.

springtimeishereagain · 12/03/2022 19:49

Yanbu at all. He's being really thoughtless. No effort at all - and he only booked last weekend when he realised he was working over your birthday!

The dinner - he should have thought about that beforehand and shopped on his way home from work.

Talk to him - point out the difference between the effort he put in and you put in.

SunflowerTed · 12/03/2022 19:53

@mnetting

It's a difficult one as people have different expectations, you stayed overnight somewhere last weekend which he booked, he bought you a card and was prepared to cook you a nice dinner, but presumably didn't get a lot of thanks as you were upset so I'm guessing he won't bother next time. To me it's sounds like you validate your worth on how much he does for your birthday when really it should be about spending time together which was his plan with a night away and him cooking dinner. He bought you a card but you moan it was on his way home. Sounds to me like you're high maintenance and his efforts weren't enough for you. What lengths did you go to for his birthday?
I agree!
Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 09/02/2023 22:08

You are not being unreasonable, but maybe worth discussing how he sees birthdays for the future and what were both your family traditions so you can choose how to do them in the future and have more matching expectations. My mum and dad always celebrated birthdays brilliantly for us, we have continued this with our own children and now they are like that with their partners, but some people are really not bothered. To me it means a lot. It’s not great that you felt you were an afterthought.