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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being ungrateful?

43 replies

DanniG1 · 11/03/2022 21:46

I'm stuck on the fence about whether I'm being ungrateful and over reacting, or if I'm justified to feel how I feel.

My partner and I have been together for a couple of years, expecting our first baby together and.... today is my birthday.

We stayed over night somewhere last weekend which partner booked which was nice (but was booked in a fluster when he realised he'd offered to work all weekend this weekend) and he said he would cook for me on my actual birthday.

This morning I wake up and there's no card or any sign it's my birthday except a WhatsApp message when he arrived at work and then followed up with messages about how stressful his day was.

He bought home a card which he had picked up on the way home and scribbled in and then proceeded to ask me what I want for dinner because he needed to go and buy whatever I wanted.

I just feel like a total after thought and that every thing was rushed last minute. He couldn't understand why I was upset about it, but I just feel really crappy that he hadn't put any thought at all into one day of the year.

Everything just felt totally lazy and unbothered when I wasn't expecting bells and whistles in the first place.

AIBU?

OP posts:

IWonderWhyIBother · 09/02/2023 22:26

Tell him you were disappointed and personally I would do whatever I would normally do for their birthday. Don’t be petty with tit-for-tat behaviour. Show them how it should be done.

Ihatethenewlook · 09/02/2023 22:45

You seem to have really glossed over what happened last weekend to the point that I think some pp’s haven’t even got onto that it happened. So he did actually mess up a bit in that he mixed up which weekend he was in work, and which weekend he was off. He realised at some point that he was working for your birthday weekend, so quickly booked a couples weekend away before your birthday. I’d count the weekend away as your actual birthday gift from him then. I’d love to know where you went and what you did? Then on top of the short break, he messaged you happy birthday, got you a card and asked you what you wanted to eat on his way home from a long shift so he could go to the supermarket for it and then cook it for you? What an absolute piece of shit, taking you on holiday and paying for and buying you stuff and shopping and cooking you a nice meal around him working.

MasterBeth · 09/02/2023 22:56

Your mutual expectations for what makes a good birthday seem different. He's not forgotten or not bothered, but neither has he delivered the perfect birthday as you would have done.

Is he an organised person? I think men especially are not socialised to do this life admin. That's not an excuse but might be an opportunity to 'train' him for next time

Joey69 · 09/02/2023 22:56

Ihatethenewlook · 09/02/2023 22:45

Absolutely 100% this.

Auldandknackered · 09/02/2023 23:04

Ok so he took you away for your birthday but it’s not enough, for you irs a major celebration and you need a lot. Then just tell him you need so very much,

Joey69 · 09/02/2023 23:05

but neither has he delivered the perfect birthday as you would have done.

i think this a slightly ridiculous statement, who is to judge what is a “perfect birthday “, as seen on this thread different ppl like have different views on birthday celebrations

MasterBeth · 10/02/2023 00:02

Joey69 · 09/02/2023 23:05

but neither has he delivered the perfect birthday as you would have done.

i think this a slightly ridiculous statement, who is to judge what is a “perfect birthday “, as seen on this thread different ppl like have different views on birthday celebrations

My point was, it's not the "perfect birthday" that the OP was expecting. It's she who is judging "the perfect birthday" for her. I agree that there is no perfect birthday for everyone.

RiverSkater · 10/02/2023 00:07

This thread is nearly a year old.... thinking the OP is over it by now🤞

emimillie123 · 10/02/2023 00:19

You are not being ungrateful at all and have every right to feel upset. Not being in the forefront of your SOs mind on your birthday is incredibly upsetting.
I've actually had a similar experience with my DH. It's our 4th wedding anniversary and whilst we never really do anything fancy we usually try to get each other nice gifts-usually to do with what the year represents eg 3 years=leather.

I struggle with mental health problems and my therapist believes a lot of my problems are from not feeling "seen" - I feel constantly overlooked, disrespected unimportant etc. DH knows this as I try to tell him about my therapy.

Now this years anniversary was linen and silk. I bought my husband a beautiful blue linen shirt, a silk tie and, just because he likes them, a comic book compendium (all the issues of a story ark in one book).
I was given a cheap, end of day half dead bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates. The meal we shared that evening was all of his favourite foods (he cooked and whilst I eat his favourite foods it didn't fill me with joy) and we watched a movie he wanted to see that I have minimal interest in. DH also got upset that usual day to day tasks like laundry, childcare and cleaning had to take place and mostly left them to me. And now that I am upset I am being oversensitive and ruining his day.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 10/02/2023 06:36

DanniG1 · 12/03/2022 09:57

@mnetting thanks for the reply it's good to get a different perspective. So you think it's high maintenance to have hoped for a card when I woke up rather than bought on the way home? It's more about the fact it's a rushed after thought that upset me.

He did offer to cook dinner but then asked me around 6pm what I wanted him to fetch which again to me showed no prior thought involved. Maybe I am being ungrateful?

For his birthday I had a cake made with his favourite chocolates on top, took him to a new cafe for breakfast and coffee, booked a virtual reality experience for the afternoon and got him a card and gift.

No op, @mnetting is being unnecessarily harsh. He had plenty of time to get organized.

gamerchick · 10/02/2023 06:40

Ah, who's dug this up?

Original poster

DanniG1 · 10/02/2023 08:07

Oh my very own zombie thread! It's true @RiverSkater this is nearly a year old now. However, my birthday is coming up again in a couple or weeks 😅 I'll update this thread if he doesn't pull his weight on the day this time lol

OP posts:

AddictedToOlives · 22/02/2023 11:42

Hi @DanniG1 - please update us either way, it’s always great to hear happy news… and we would all like to know that he’s learnt more about you and spoils you for your special day,
thanks

Original poster

DanniG1 · 12/03/2023 11:13

Just an update 1 year later!

It was my birthday yesterday 😊

This year I woke up to a birthday card and coffee in bed.

He'd bought a gift box full of pampering items (face masks, bubble bath, etc). Very thoughtful after hearing me comment how tired I look on a daily basis 😅🥰

We went out for a walk to my favourite beauty spot and then for lunch. Then when we got home he cleaned the bathroom and ran my bath to use the pampering gifts 🎁

I'd say he's definitely learnt more about my love language and what's important to me ❤

OP posts:

Youpillock · 12/03/2023 11:33

Thatsplentyjack · 11/03/2022 22:03

Well now you know what to do on his birthday.

That just builds up resentment and the rot sets in. Tit for tat relationships just don't work.

Youpillock · 12/03/2023 11:38

Lovely update op. Didn't realise it was an old threat when I made my comment above! Glad you've been able to move forward positively.

AddictedToOlives · 22/03/2023 18:04

Thanks for updating @DanniG1 glad you had a good day

User13579367337 · 22/03/2023 18:21

I’d have preferred what you got last year tbh. A weekend away and a special meal cooked by him on the day 🤷🏼‍♀️

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