My 14 year old niece and sex

[dancemusicsexromance]

My niece is 14 she's got ASD and ADHD
Me and my sister have a slightly fragile relationship as my son who is older and my daughter who is 10 years older have taken the scenic route through life. And not been text book kids. My sister has told me on many occasions it's parents who damage their kids.

My sister is extremely overweight and she's not wanted her children to be this way so she put them on strict diets from 4/5 years called them names, spent hundreds a month on clothes and designer things for them and they have a lovely life my sister would never ever do anything on purpose to hurt her girls but I think she projected a lot from her childhood - they are amazing girls and do well at school are polite and I adore them. I know their parents love them whether they are right or wrong.
My oldest niece (19) is stunning but 600 cals a day for 2 years, gym twice a day and looking underweight (about 6.5 stone and 5'3") but their looks are their benchmark - it's horrible really.

My youngest niece is 14 - not as slim, always been the "less attractive child" according to my sister not anyone else -
I have found out tonight that my youngest niece is being passed around for sex - not a boyfriend but for compliments, for attention and for fun.

As I say i don't have a great relationship with my sister but I would want to know.

My own kids who told me have said if I tell her mum i am opening her up for abuse (from her parents) but I can't do nothing can I?

She's a child and vulnerable

If I told my sister would this help?
Or would I be making things worse?

This is not malicious I adore my nieces I really do. My daughter had sex at 15 and I made sure she was safe and she was emotionally safe.

I wish I could just talk to my sister and I wish I could hug my niece.

But the longer you delay the more vulnerable dn is exposed to this toxic environment.

Op your niece is being abused. Please just tell the police and social services.

You're right about needing to tread carefully. Personally, I wouldn't tell your sister, its opening yourself and your nieces up to a tonne of abuse.

Can you talk to your niece in a caring way? Let her know you're worried and that you're there for her?

I think it would be a good idea if you looked up some phonetics, NSPCC and Young minds comes to mind. Also if you do talk to your niece, perhaps offer her a safe space and your phone to call Childline?

I've been where your niece is. Please don't tell her mum. She's not likely to be very supportive towards your niece.

@Arghhconfused
This is what my daughter has said.
I'm Currently on the phone now -
I will report what I've heard.

My son has arranged to take my niece out for dinner on Tuesday to speak to her. They trust me and I can't jeopardise their trust.

My daughter was begging me not to tell her mum and I didn't understand why - after reading these responses I do understand.
I do. I just want to help my niece but as my daughter just said when I found out she was sexually active I spoke to her and listened to her and never judged her she was frightened my sister would punish her daughter and make things worse - she was right I think.

Tell your sister right away.

Imagine how you'd feel if it was the other way round and you weren't told your 14 yr old was at such risk.

@2bazookas
She wouldn't believe me that's it issue

She wouldn't if she would I would be there now

[quote dancemusicsexromance]@2bazookas
She wouldn't believe me that's it issue

She wouldn't if she would I would be there now [/quote]
Then go to the police.

This really isn't about your feelings and past.

All that matters, is the protection of a vulnerable 14 yr old who is being sexually abused.

@LIZS

But the longer you delay the more vulnerable dn is exposed to this toxic environment.

Fgs it's been going on for weeks/months/years (depending on the toxicity in question). The OP can take a few hours to get some advice and ensure she does more good than harm.

It comes from being very insecure, wanting and needing love, affection and attention. I just wanted to be loved. I ended up being groomed and raped by a pedophile, because I had no one. No support.

I know it feels like a huge big thing for you to hear, and it is. However, for her it isn't, for her it's just a way she copes. It needs time, and it will take her time too. Just make sure she doesn't feel to blame. It's not her fault and she needs to know that.

I adore her.
I predicted
This.

I have spoken to the police I've given them every bit of information I know which isn't a lot

I will Phone the school Monday

But I've also messaged her my son and I are meeting for coffee/dinner Tuesday

I need to tread careful- she's vulnerable

This has been going on longer than the time I know -she thinks her parents are perfect I love her

My sister adores her kids but in a toxic way I can't go steaming in

My nieces are beautiful and they won't want to hurt their parents I want to protect my younger niece

I have spoke to-the police will phone the school Monday

I want her to feel safe

It’s really important to ensure that your niece is consenting and is using protection. By going to the police/telling her mum etc isn’t going to stop her having sex, but ensuring she is supported emotionally is paramount. NSPCC helpline could give you some good advice but if it was me, I’d have a talk with my sister, ask her not to lose her head about it because she’ll just push her daughter away. And if she doesn’t feel comfortable doing it, can you not talk to your niece and ensure that she is consenting, using protection and is she ok? Especially as you’ve had experience with your own daughter.

I remember what it was like at that age and honestly if police were at my door, the school got involved or my parents would punish me because I was having sex I’d be humiliated. It wouldn’t have stopped me but I would be less inclined to speak to my parents/friends about it which is even more dangerous. She needs people she can trust and confide in in case something terrible happens.

Ring the Police right now, social services tomorrow morning, and school on Monday. Follow up in writing.

No messing about with this - your niece is being raped (she cannot consent at that age) and groomed and abused (no one is ‘passed around’ for sex by choice, they are manipulated into it.)

The potential for permanent damage is huge - but she’ll be given counselling and support, and hopefully she’ll be OK - but the longer it goes on the less OK she’ll be. Children who experience this often have terrible outcomes - please do what you can to stop this happening to her.

Police

Well done OP.

It’s not your job to steam in - ss can do that.

Well done.

This isn’t about you or your sister.
If you think someone is being neglectful to their child or damaging them in any way then you report them to get them the help they need.

If a child is being exploited for sex then you report it as you have done.
SS should contact the school but I would contact them anyway.

Well done, Op.

That's great OP. She can rely on you. You can listen and guide her, support her through what's happening.

Well done op. Hopefully she will appreciate someone looking out for her.

Well done OP I hope you feel a bit more clear. I really feel for those girls and hope they have the strength to do the inner work to heal.

Can I ask, have you had any therapy yourself? I had a bad childhood and I find ill-treatment of children so incredibly triggering. I have been in similar situations and witness to abusive behaviour toward children in my extended family (less so than the examples you provide, they sound severe and agree with PP that services need to be contacted). To the point where I cannot stop feeling angry and or anxious for the child, it’s like it’s happening to me all over again and it hits on a seismic scale - like you say you witness history repeating itself. I’m trying to say I sympathise with the position you are in and how emotionally charged it is for you, as you yourself have clearly been through a lot.
I would really recommend seeking therapy with a trauma informed therapist. Your family sound toxic I am glad for YOU that you’ve been ‘outed’ for telling the truth. What’s the worst that can happen to you now? You’re doing all you can for your nieces and are a truthful person

Well done. I thought one of my daughter’s friends was being sexually abused by her father when she was about seven. The school didn’t want to know - the family had always been “difficult”. The police took it seriously, the child was taken into foster care and the father charged.

I think there is probably a huge back story here. Your comments about your sister and your nieces are very subjective. The story about your niece being passed around for sex are worrying. How do you know? A normal person would pick up the phone and tell your sister they had heard this gossip. It sounds like your kids have told you this. If you genuinely believe your niece is being abused you would tell your sister. Why this info is combined with all your comments about your sister is beyond me.

@cansu

Really?

Not for me.

I have said I rarely speak to her -we are polite and ok on a superficial level.

It's not subjective it's fact.
She doesn't like me she doesn't like my children - she thinks her girls would and will only act how she's planned - if you don't get it you won't get it
If I spoke to her it's very clear she may think I'm being dramatic /
My son told me -
He was told by his casual friend who was concerned - his younger sister who is my nieces age told her bother who told my son.

Of course I would prefer to tell my sister but she would be blinkered and think her daughter would never do that.

That's not a healthy way to think and this is why I am concerned.

So I can tell my sister as I would want to know as a parent

Or I listen my daughter who think If I go to my sister she may handle things in a way that hurts my niece worse.

Nothing at all subjective

A normal person would pick up the phone and tell your sister they had heard this gossip.

Her sister is not constructive sensible, kind, or reasonable in her behaviour.

You appear to be calling op abnormal.

If anyone had a sister who has behaved the
way she has to her kids, they'd think twice about telling her. That's normal, not abnormal.

I'm finding your posts very difficult to follow. You seem to be criticizing your sister but then follow that you have no contact with family because they criticize you, it all sounds very complicated. My summary is, you have third hand knowledge that your vulnerable 14 year old niece is being taken advantage of. But you haven't spoken to your sister in 3 years, so your sister won't take it well from you. My advice in this case is to get someone else to tell her. The ideal candidate would be her cousins/your children. If not, speak to her school about it anonymously.

Stop and think. If you report to the police and your niece denies it because she is scared, it’s all out of control, it’s a surprise and she doesn’t know how to handle all that (because she’s 14), there will be no evidence, no help, no nothing. And if there is a time when she is ready to report, no one will believe her after she’s denied it once.

Start with the NSPCC helpline. Take their advice. Take your niece out for lunch on your own and listen to her. Tell her to call Childline if she won’t listen to you.

Your instinct is great, I know you want to help. But these girls are damaged and may not react in the way people on here think they will. Please support the niece to disclose rather than take matters into your own hands, at least initially.