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Original poster

EX (dc dad) is on the verge of asking to pay less CM....because he's having more DC

110 replies

BlondiesAllDay · 11/03/2022 15:12

Hi,

Any day now I suspect. We have a teenager together and we've been separated for almost 10 years. Although I know he's better than a lot of blokes because he does actually pay CM, he always has to be reminded and it's very rarely on time.

Anyway, after being completely adamant he never wanted more dc, he and his dw had a baby a couple of years ago. Very much planned from the sounds of it. I was happy for him, but in the lead up to the birth, was telling me how much he's going to have to fork out on baby stuff 😶 No shit sherlock. Then once his dc is born and attending nursery, I get told exactly how much he has to pay for nursery fees, how much maternity leave his dw gets and how much her income will drop and when. I know exactly why he's telling me this.

Now his dw has just announced a few days ago that she's expecting again. I'm already getting the financial run down and he even tells our dc. They now feel guilty when he spends anything on them! It's ridiculous. I believe that dc shouldn't take money for granted, but they shouldn't feel like a financial burden, especially when it's because their dad is having more dc.

I know he will want a chat soon about reducing CM and I'm absolutely dreading it. I'm a very reasonable person and if they'd genuinely just fallen on hard times, I would (and have) accept late or even smaller payments, but when you've made the decision to grow your family and then you can't afford your existing dc, well I'm not so accepting of that. Our dc won't really go without, but it's not the point. We're all having to tighten our belts right now though, so it will certainly be more noticeable than before.

What would you say in this situation? Has anyone been in this situation?

TIA

OP posts:
ErinAoife · 11/03/2022 15:31

Agreed with you. He should have think of the financial implications before having more children. I

beenaroundtheblox · 11/03/2022 15:34

It's a hard one. The majority of single children would be financially affected by siblings coming along. I'm sure any children living with the non resident parent are taken into consideration when calculating CM. You're lucky that it won't make a difference and that your child won't go without. Mine absolutely would if his dad cut down on payments.

Baker90 · 11/03/2022 15:37

He should of thought about it but it is what it is now.. and his way of talking to the dc about it is definitely not on. Depending on what he currently pays etc it may well be 'allowed' to reduce. The cms take into account all children he is responsible for (biologically or living with) so in theory yes - plug the figures (roughly but by sounds of it you know the ins and outs as he likes to share) into the calc and it'll tell you what they deem he should pay! ( which is already ridiculously low anyway BTW!)

Soontobe60 · 11/03/2022 15:38

If he’s paying via cms, then surely it will reduce anyway when the baby arrives?

GlitteryGreen · 11/03/2022 15:39

I think if he's always late with payments and needs reminding you'd be better off making an official claim. Then at least you know you're getting what you should be getting, and on time.

JudgeRindersMinder · 11/03/2022 15:40

With the caveat that I’m not in this situation so what do I know, but I really don’t see why it should be that a child should suffer financially because their parent decides to go and have more children with another partner.
When it’s within 1 family and a set of parents decide to have more children, fair enough, they generally both make that decision, but it just doesn’t sit right in the position the OP is in

Citabell · 11/03/2022 15:40

CMS will take the new child into account and recalculate what he has to pay. It is unfair because your outgoings related to the care of your child don't mysteriously decrease as well when this happens. If he's been hinting I'd address it now, it sadly sounds like you're right on the nose regarding his plans.

AndAsIfByMagic · 11/03/2022 15:40

Best thing to do is to do it officially.

MrsLegend · 11/03/2022 15:41

Perhaps he should get an additional job in a bar (or similar) for a couple of nights a week so he can pay for his kids Wink

giggly · 11/03/2022 15:49

I think it’s shit that first family children’s payments are reduced because the father go on to have more children. Second partners/ wives need to accept that the fathers disposable income will always be less that of the CM payment to first children and if that doesn’t work then dont have children with them.

whatstheteamarie · 11/03/2022 16:04

Have you considered getting in there early and the next time he mentions the cost of the new baby, say something like:

"well it's a good job you planned your finances when you planned for this baby and know that you can afford him/her, with the prices of everything going up, I certainly couldn't afford another child, nor a drop in CM without it affecting your first DC's lifestyle and I know you wouldn't want that. Talking of which with the cost of living going up, I'm presuming you'll be increasing the CM soon? How much more should I expect each week/month."

Set your stall out early that you're expecting more not less and then he can "negotiate" you "down" to the amount you already receive.

Talk up the costs of raising kids as much as he does, he's right, children ARE expensive and it's HIS job as a parent to pay for ALL the children he creates.

aSofaNearYou · 11/03/2022 16:10

I think how fair this is heavily depends on how much he's paying and what that leaves him with.

Arguments of "him choosing to have more children shouldn't affect his first one's" are illogical and come from an emotive place. All parents have to split their resources between all of their children even if it means less for the eldest, the only reason people don't like to acknowledge this on here is because they don't value the "second children" the way they would if they were their own.

mrsm43s · 11/03/2022 16:13

But when resident parents have other children, their available funds to the first child reduce too. But plenty of resident parents go on to have new families and no-one comments on that! Unless we are going to somehow pass a law to say that all parents can only have one child (obviously ridiculous), then we have to accept that having a sibling (whether full, half, step etc) will always reduce the funds available for the first child. In some respects the impact is less on children of separated parents, because only one of their parent's contribution is reduced - the other parent can still continue to make their contribution unaffected.

I do understand the frustrations of someone else's choice affecting your household's budget, but first families are not more worthy than subsequent children.

OhJanet · 11/03/2022 16:15

@aSofaNearYou

I think how fair this is heavily depends on how much he's paying and what that leaves him with.

Arguments of "him choosing to have more children shouldn't affect his first one's" are illogical and come from an emotive place. All parents have to split their resources between all of their children even if it means less for the eldest, the only reason people don't like to acknowledge this on here is because they don't value the "second children" the way they would if they were their own.

Absolutely, all of this.
Original poster
BlondiesAllDay · 11/03/2022 16:16

Thanks for all the replies so far.

@aSofaNearYou, I see where you're coming from, but really it just boils down to responsibility. If I couldn't afford to have more dc, then I just wouldn't. That's the beginning and end of it. He was struggling enough as it was, so he knew if he planned another, our dc would have to go with less.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 11/03/2022 16:20

@BlondiesAllDay

Thanks for all the replies so far.

@aSofaNearYou, I see where you're coming from, but really it just boils down to responsibility. If I couldn't afford to have more dc, then I just wouldn't. That's the beginning and end of it. He was struggling enough as it was, so he knew if he planned another, our dc would have to go with less.

Yes I get that, but it doesn't change the fact that it's happening now. We don't just not pay for our youngest because it was a bad idea to have them.

And it also doesn't necessarily mean he "cannot afford" more children, because you haven't said how much he is paying. It might be less, but that doesn't mean it isn't enough. I'm not saying that is the case, but nobody can say without knowing the figures.

PineappleSundays · 11/03/2022 16:22

What would you say in this situation?

I don't agree with it but if he's paying through CMS there isn't anything you can say. It's not up to you to accept it or not, he will be able to reduce because of new DC either way.

Chocomelon · 11/03/2022 16:23

Does he pay the CMS calculated amount? If so it decreases if he has more DC.

If he's paying more than the minimum required amount I don't think it's unreasonable for him to pay less now but if he's not paying the minimum you can go through CMS.

Viviennemary · 11/03/2022 16:24

I don't think you can dictate to your ex how many childrdn he is allowed. If he pays the legal amount of maintenance required.

PineappleSundays · 11/03/2022 16:29

@aSofaNearYou

I think how fair this is heavily depends on how much he's paying and what that leaves him with.

Arguments of "him choosing to have more children shouldn't affect his first one's" are illogical and come from an emotive place. All parents have to split their resources between all of their children even if it means less for the eldest, the only reason people don't like to acknowledge this on here is because they don't value the "second children" the way they would if they were their own.

And I am always slightly torn on this subject because of this ^^

It is true, whenever anyone has more children their resources need to go further. It's normal.

It's obviously different in the case of separated parents because one parent doesn't get to decide whether the other has more children or not.

But I don't think there's any strictly fair way of doing it unfortunately.

To him, a reduced amount may still be adequate, to you it may not. It's hard to say whether that's fact or just a difference of opinion without knowing what it is he pays.

I.e. If he pays £800 a month and wants to reduce it to £700 I'd said fair enough. Even if that means your teenagers can't wear designer clothes all the time or have the latest iPhone. To him those things may not be an important provision and it's worth cutting them to fund more DC.

However, If he pays £50 as it is and wants to reduce it to £20 a month then obviously that's no good.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 11/03/2022 16:33

I would want to draw a line with him about him not guilt tripping the kids by talking about his finances with them. He's an adult, he shouldn't be putting those problems onto his to deal with. It's very unfair.

I am guessing this is a private arrangement rather than a CMS one? Can you put the figures in to pen what they would have got him to pay until now, and what their new calculation would likely be?

GlitteryGreen · 11/03/2022 16:34

I agree with Sofa that it completely depends what he's paying now.

CM is not a set amount for life, it's based on what the paying parent earns and, if via a private arrangement, what they can afford. It can always be changeable.

This is why it's best to go via CMS officially, as you know you're getting what he needs to pay based on his income.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 11/03/2022 16:35

I think it's different with blended families. If dh and I decide to have more children we carry that burden financially together. If I have a SC with dh and he and I decide to have more, then DH's ex ends up sharing the financial burden of our choices

unicornsarereal72 · 11/03/2022 16:39

It sucks. I'd loved to of had more children but my budget or our budget at the time meant that was possible. Life has moved on and he now lives with new gf who has several children of her own. I don't think the children we have should have less because of the choices he has made.

They won't suffer because I will ensure they have all they need whilst I continue to go without out. And he knows that. They system is rubbish.

PineappleSundays · 11/03/2022 16:45

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

I think it's different with blended families. If dh and I decide to have more children we carry that burden financially together. If I have a SC with dh and he and I decide to have more, then DH's ex ends up sharing the financial burden of our choices
This is why people are saying it depends what he pays though surely?

If he pays a pittance as it is then yes. If he pays over the odds already and it just means his kids will have to make do with less designer gear or whatever then not so much.

It's impossible to say how much OP would be shouldering the financial burden of their older kids without knowing how much he pays (and ideally what he wanted to reduce that to).