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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This isn't good, is it?

40 replies

mycatisannoying · 10/03/2022 19:09

Hi. Chatting with a guy on a dating site; we have a first (coffee) date planned for next week, but I am seriously considering sacking it off.
He has just written this about his daughter, but it's the dig about the ex wife that disturbs me:

She has my good points, but also has inherited an intellectual laziness from her mum, which frustrates me.

I mean, God! Shock He has a good career and she is a cleaner, so perhaps they weren't particularly well matched (in his view). But this isn't a respectful way to refer to the mother of his child. He also said that she got him down with her 'constant negativity'. He has mentioned a few times that he is a happy and upbeat person, and that negativity doesn't come naturally to him. I've asked him why he is so keen to come across in that way.

I do sometimes wonder if I have become hard-wired to spot red flags, as a result of the online dating. Perhaps even where there are none? Or is it just that he's being honest about their situation ...

It doesn't sit well with me anyway, but I fear I may have lost my sense of perspective Confused

It's not just me, is it?

OP posts:
Bromse · 10/03/2022 19:11

I wouldn't like a man who talked about the mother of his child in that way. You don't need him, mycat, plenty more fish etc.

BluerThanRobinsEggs · 10/03/2022 19:14

I wouldn't like a man who talked about his daughter or the mother of his child in that way

Original poster
mycatisannoying · 10/03/2022 19:15

Hmm, thanks. And of course, the daughter's good points are all down to him, right? Hmm

OP posts:
ScreamingBeans · 10/03/2022 19:15

Boy does he sound pompous

NewDayNewLife · 10/03/2022 19:15

Sounds like you've had a lucky escape. I can completely understand if you decide not to go on the coffee date. You know about his character early enough rather than finding out later when you got too invested. It wouldn't sit well with me that if he slags off his ex-wife, he could easily talk about others behind their backs as well. Sorry OP.

ErniesGhostlyGoldtops · 10/03/2022 19:20

Bullet dodged there. If he's coming out with stuff like this at this early stage it's very worrying.

Bookworm20 · 10/03/2022 19:20

Nah, don’t bother with this one.

You haven’t even been on a first date and he’s managed to slag off his ex.

Hardly catch of the century is he.

isthismylifenow · 10/03/2022 19:23

I also overthink red flags, but this is an awful thing to say... About his ex and his own daughter.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/03/2022 19:24

Throw him back in, and be glad he's given you the heads up about who he is very early on. Frustrating though, that they walk among us. Next!

Craftycorvid · 10/03/2022 19:25

Well, what a charmer! My fanny would heal over permanently on reading that, I’m afraid. Right up there with the ex being ‘mad’ (on the basis of no longer tolerating her mate’s dreadful behaviour, no doubt).

SailingNotSurfing · 10/03/2022 19:26

Don’t date him, he’s obnoxious. I work with a man who refers to his wife as ‘the cleaner’ (she’s not, she works for a utility company) and thinks he’s hilarious. We all think he’s a prick.

Anyone who talks about the mother of his child in such a disparaging way is an unpleasant individual. He says he has an upbeat personality - he’s probably one of those twatty people who laugh at their own jokes.

Put him in the reject bin, life’s too short.

Original poster
mycatisannoying · 10/03/2022 19:26

Thank you. I didn't think it was just me, even if I am a bit more cynical these days!

OP posts:
Original poster
mycatisannoying · 10/03/2022 19:30

He didn't tell me she was a cleaner. My own FB stalking unearthed that Blush I usually have a look for dates on FB, as it can give a greater insight into who someone really is. And my spidey senses were already tingling with this one.

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 10/03/2022 19:32

@Bromse

I wouldn't like a man who talked about the mother of his child in that way. You don't need him, mycat, plenty more fish etc.
my cat ... plenty more fish ... !!!

..

PonyPatter44 · 10/03/2022 19:33

I laugh at my own jokes...it doesn't mean I'm a twat (though I probably am). He sounds horrible though. I bet he put 'sapiophile' in his dating profile, didn't he?

Its disrespectful to his daughters mum, but its also disrespectful to his daughter. Talking about her "intellectual laziness" makes him sound like an utter dick. He doesn't even know you,yet he's trying to impress you by slagging off other women, women who he should be defending with his last breath.

I'm a bit of a glutton for punishment, and I would be tempted to meet him, purely to see if he's as much of a twat in real life as he seems to be on a screen.

Cactuslove · 10/03/2022 19:34

Ughh don't go! No amount of coffee.would get me through a fate where the person is so egotistical!

Onthedunes · 10/03/2022 19:34

God he sounds insufferable.

I can't imagine how pleased his ex must be to have him out of her life.

Original poster
mycatisannoying · 10/03/2022 19:39

Thanks everyone. My instinct is never wrong, so why do I doubt myself like this?!

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 10/03/2022 20:00

I would feel uncomfortable about him not only talking about his ex that way but also talking about his daughter when you’ve not even had a date yet. It’s one thing to ask if you have kids - yes I have an X year old etc but it seems odd why he would even say this.

I too am a bit extra sensitive to red flags but this would have me thinking he’s a bit of a twat.

If he’s otherwise been ok then you could go on a date and just see how it goes. You’re not committing to anything by going gir a drink with him.

Original poster
mycatisannoying · 10/03/2022 20:04

Have messaged to say that I don't feel we'd be well-matched in real life.
I feel rather relieved actually.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 10/03/2022 20:08

So essentially he called his ex stupid. In the most pretentious way possible. Yip, I would have sacked him off. Maybe she was so pessimistic because having to live with a dick like him sucked the enthusiasm right out of her lol

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 10/03/2022 20:11

@mycatisannoying

Have messaged to say that I don't feel we'd be well-matched in real life. I feel rather relieved actually.
Says it all then.

Reading his comments I was curious how much time he spent raising said daughter or if he thinks she just gained his good points via genes. I'm guessing the later as a good involved father really wouldn't be discussing his daughter that way.

Nutsohazelnuts · 10/03/2022 20:11

Apart from the prickish comments about his daughter and wife, the ‘doesn’t like negativity’ thing would be a big red flag.

In my experience, this suggests a man who isn’t interested in a real relationship with a real person.

Peachtoiletpaper · 10/03/2022 20:29

I think you're bang on the money. I'd have called it off too.

'Intellectually lazy' is a deeply judgemental and shitty thing to say about his own daughter, let alone blame it on the mum. So she might not be the most academic or work the hardest in class. Why make that a value judgement?

I also can't stand people who say they can't handle negativity etc. It's so brittle. I mean, wallowing or not seeing the joy in life, of course, nobody wants that in a partner all the time but it's like they're invalidating a lot of highly appropriate responses.

CheekyHobson · 10/03/2022 20:31

I do sometimes wonder if I have become hard-wired to spot red flags, as a result of the online dating. Perhaps even where there are none?

I'd say your red flag detector is working just fine.

From just the tiny details you've mentioned, before you've even met for coffee he's spoken in a derogatory way of both his daughter and his ex (twice, for the ex).

Interesting that he feels the need to tell you he's happy and upbeat and not a negative person while showing you that he is in fact quite a negative person.

I wonder if his ex's negativity was of this kind:

I don't feel like you're pulling your weight in the house
I don't have any time to get back in shape because you're at work 8-8 and you say there's no money for childcare
No I don't think it's okay for you to have another weekend off golfing when I haven't had a break away for months
No I don't want to go to your favourite restaurant again, can't we go somewhere I choose
I've asked you four times to sort the mess you promised to clean up in the living room, why isn't it done yet?