This isn't good, is it?

[mycatisannoying]

Hi. Chatting with a guy on a dating site; we have a first (coffee) date planned for next week, but I am seriously considering sacking it off.
He has just written this about his daughter, but it's the dig about the ex wife that disturbs me:

She has my good points, but also has inherited an intellectual laziness from her mum, which frustrates me.

I mean, God! He has a good career and she is a cleaner, so perhaps they weren't particularly well matched (in his view). But this isn't a respectful way to refer to the mother of his child. He also said that she got him down with her 'constant negativity'. He has mentioned a few times that he is a happy and upbeat person, and that negativity doesn't come naturally to him. I've asked him why he is so keen to come across in that way.

I do sometimes wonder if I have become hard-wired to spot red flags, as a result of the online dating. Perhaps even where there are none? Or is it just that he's being honest about their situation ...

It doesn't sit well with me anyway, but I fear I may have lost my sense of perspective

It's not just me, is it?

It doesn't sit well with me anyway, but I fear I may have lost my sense of perspective

If you were told you'd lost your sense of perspective, what would you do? Put up with something that didn't sit right with you?

What sits right with you is your sense of perspective. They can't conflict because they're the same thing. Always follow what sits right with you, and reject what doesn't, otherwise you'll end up with someone that everybody else thinks is good for you, whilst you feel crap yourself.

Well done OP! I went on a first date once and he referred to his 10 year old daughter as a cow. This was within the first half hour of the date. A date I'd been reluctant to go on as he'd given me doubts but posting here I was told I was "cra cra" needy and hard work (for expecting confirmation of the date earlier than 4 hours before) I should have listened to my gut as I ended up not being able to escape as quickly as I wanted to. I blocked him on the dating site from the toilets where I hid until my taxi arrived. He was such a catch. Said he had to get home to do his washing
People say there's good men out there but I've never met any. I hope you have better luck

Intellectually lazy. Eugh.

Well done, OP.

Pompous bloke. Being negative about his ex! The irony. Quite amusing!

Next!

Yuck my DD's father used to say stuff like this about me/him. All her good qualities were from him and all the negative ones from me. I don't know how he ended up married, I don't see how any woman would want to be with someone that thinks and feels this way.

@mycatisannoying

Have messaged to say that I don't feel we'd be well-matched in real life. I feel rather relieved actually.

And his reply? ..........

Just because someone is a cleaner right now doesn't mean they are dumb. Sorry intellectually lazy. They could be working around school hours until they can spread their wings and fly. Or that they might understand that the world of the intellectually active would be small fry if they had to wash their own cups.

Whilst I’m not remotely a joy sucker I myself have a bit of an issue with people with ‘excessive ‘ positivity and no allowance for any negativity — I’ve found they are the ones who go ‘well anyway let’s move on’ If ‘any’ discussion gets remotely deep or in depth. Let’s face it there’s plenty to be a bit negative about!! It’s a balance that’s important

Thanks everyone, and I agree so much with you.

@frozendaisy You asked about his reply. Well, once I had said my polite 'no thank you', I blocked him as the site I'm on has a fair few arsey guys. And I didn't want to enter into any further discussion on the matter.

He actually set up a profile purely to say farewell! I think he struggles with anyone thinking negatively of him. I did feel a bit bad when I received this, but it's done now, and I have absolutely no regrets.

*Just made this for one final message.

Thank you for your honesty. I have enjoyed chatting and I am sorry if I have given you a bad impression about me. I just like to make people happy.

You're wonderful and bright, and I wish you well*

Then when I replied to say a final goodbye, he wrote:

• I am a decent human being! Disappointed, of course, but I know how life works, sadly.

See ya.
X*

"I just like to make people happy."

Well rid. This above is one humdinger of a red flag.

It made me think that he has very little self-awareness. It doesn't seem to have occurred to him that the ex wife comment could cause offence!

Yes. And the truth doesn't need to declare itself. He is almost certainly the opposite of his statement. You experienced that.

Well done op for trusting your gut. What a cunt! I bet my xh said very similiar about me to his new gf eg Im a benefit scrounger who never worked. I know he also blames me for the fact our kids struggle academically. They have learning disorders but he doesnt "believe" in them and its just my lazy parenting.

I bet he was the cause of most of his exW's "negativity"!
Anyone who would put down their own child to a relative stranger is not a good person IMO! Well done for cutting him off OP and as you've good instincts, trust them! You'll save yourself so much grief if you do! All the best!

I am a decent human being! Disappointed, of course, but I know how life works, sadly.

A strangely incongruous thing for a supposedly happy and upbeat person to say.

Think you've hit the nail on the head with saying he can't bear anyone having a negative opinion of him. He wants to maintain his self-image as a 'great guy', so needed to have the final word – so much so he went to the trouble of making a new account in order to do so!

He's told you he's perfectly fine with the implication being that you're maybe a bit too quick to judge or unkind to see that.

Talking about someone else (anyone, not just his ex) being "intellectually lazy" at this point is just him signalling how super clever he thinks he is. I wouldn't bother, he will be annoying and patronising, if not now then later.