When friends cancel

[NewDayNewLife]

Hi everyone,
I would really appreciate some advice on a long-term issue I have been experiencing, which started pre-pandemic.
I am currently single. I feel sad and disappointed when my friends cancel plans, and when this happens it affects my mental health in the short-term. I think the reason I am disappointed is twofold: first, I can't spend time and hang out with them, and second, because I feel like I'm not really a priority in their life. I would feel better about it if they re-scheduled with a new date but this rarely happens. It happened again yesterday with someone who really seemed to want to come over, who then cancelled at the last minute and said they needed more sleep.
I believe the issue is with me, not them. As disappointed as I felt, the rational part of me was at least able to recognise that the person I was going to see yesterday likely needed the sleep and may not have had time to do so otherwise.
I would really like advice from others, if they have been in a similar situation and/or have coping strategies for dealing with this disappointment. I know that sitting around feeling sad is not very productive, but I have tried to busy myself with other activities and have found this doesn't work because it blocks rather than solves the issue.
Any advice appreciated. Thanks!

It’s not you, trust me. I think everyone is just about the end of what they can cope with at the minute. Everyone is exhausted. My friends and I are cancelling on each other right, left and centre right now. There is just too much going one and our brains need a bit of peace.

Thank you so much for your reply, @Wiredforsound. That makes a lot of sense. Although I rarely cancel on anyone, there have been a few times where I might have wanted to but didn't want to appear rude and/or disappoint them. It's a bit of a catch-22 situation.

I totally understand, as this happened to me during the pandemic. What helped was joining some groups on Meet up so I had a variety of choices and wasn't relying on any particular friend in order to socialize. It meant I had a backup plan or at least knew I was doing an activity on one day at the weekend that was independent of my friendship group.

Unless your friend is junior doctor or someone under similar pressure, then cancelling last minute, unless due to acute illness etc is not OK.

Thank you both.
@ToucanCanCan I have recently found a group that is at my church which meets on Monday nights and this week was the first meeting at this time that they ever had, so I have high hopes for it. If you don't mind me asking, did you still try to set up times with individual friends even when you participated in the meet-up groups? I guess it would still be disappointing if they cancelled but you'd still have the groups to look forward to.

I really appreciate the advice so far. If anyone has ideas for coping strategies of what I could do in the moment when I find out they cancel, that would be great too.

Really sorry Op, I totally understand @NewDayNewLife

To be honest, I did something quite drastic which has now removed me from the rigmarole that is being an option to people. I decided to become a single mother by choice via IVF with a sperm donor. Obviously there are other reasons like wanting a family, a child, not wanting to do OLD any more and "looking" for a partner.

Actually, today reminded me why despite my decision being really tough on some days, it was a good decision: I asked a friend if she'd like to meet up on the weekend for a couple of hours for a coffee, she said if the weather isn't bad...she's got a partner and I wonder if she tells him she'd only go out for dinner if the weather is good .

I now have other important priorities like looking after my child so I'm not as fussed about being dropped last minute or just not included in plans anymore, but I do relate to the feelings you've described. It can feel like such a rejection.

Thanks, @Anthurium. While I'm not in the stage where I feel that I am ready to have a child, I really appreciate your post and am so glad you are much happier.

I think it’s a balance of being understanding but also working out who are the friends who really value you.

Obviously the pandemic has exaggerated everything but I’ve really got to the stage now where if someone is flakey I just let’s things drift. I’ve now got three rock solid friends (has taken me about three years after I moved here) who I know would only cancel if they had to (and sometimes that might because they’re tired - but I know that means they really are tired if you get me). I’m a big extrovert so if I’m on my own for the weekend I chat to people when I’m out walking my dog so that feels my chit chat social need.

I totally get the disappointment thing and that feeling - I think what I do now if that happens is just kind of feel it - acknowledge it - accept it and then do something else (might be going out for a walk or might be slobbing on sofa with Netflix) and then after a while I realize the feelings gone! The pandemic has been an absolute fucker though and magnified everything times one million - it’s passing for me now.

Do you have a dog? Can you get a dog? It’s a HUGE commitment but my pup had Aso changed my life and helped me with this.

I’m also planning a donor ivf baby in two years time so very interested to hear about that

@MovingOnUp22 I'm so glad you have found your rock solid friends after some time. I understand what you mean about that if some people rarely cancel, then when they do it's usually for a good reason and that would be less upsetting. Thanks for sharing what helped you.

I don't have a dog yet, but may think of getting one someday and am so glad it helped you. I'm studying and living back home since the pandemic. Moving back home has helped me massively, as this was an ongoing issue when I was at university, so things are nowhere near as bad as they used to be. It's nice that I see at least some people every day and have no choice but to interact with them!

I’ve actually just ended another friendship that I also thought was rock solid! Big sorry but basically she just wouldn’t catch up with me on weekends and would only catch up on week eight when it suited her - but was catching up with others on weekends. I think it was becaus le she thought that because I’m single flexible
Etc I could be kept to weekdays because that was easier for her. I know she’s upset about it - but it went on for quite a long time and in the end I just really couldn’t be bothered. I had some awful weekends all alone being really upset (I was visiting where she lived for a lengthy period). But then I made some new friends (dog friends!) and had great fun with them. It is really tough though. I’ve been single forever and it’s only in the last little while I’m really genuinely able to potter around on the weekend alone or catching up with people on the weekend

I think I’ve also really worked out that for me lord of little interactions are quite fulfilling. So I chat to other dog people. I’ll take myself out for brunch alone very happily and will chat to other people sometimes (or not), I know lots of the cafe owners to chat too which is nice.

But my dog really is incredibly cute and I basically just ride on his coat tails most of the time

I agree with you OP, especially when it’s often married people who have both a partner and family - when as single people, we have no one. It’s selfish, thoughtless and upsetting.

(Me cancelling a paid-for fitness class (important for my wellbeing) to accomodate 2 married friends on a day of their choosing, who then both cancelled with an hour’s notice on the day)

My only strategy is to always have a couple of lists running - jobs that need doing at home or places I want to visit locally. And I crack on with something from there to try and take my mind off it.

I also don’t push to rearrange things in future.

How about a bit of mindfulness...

Notice the hurt feeling, allow yourself to feel it but also be curious about it and watch it. This helps to not let it consume you.

Then remind yourself that feeling hurt is a normal human reaction.
Also remind yourself that that emotion will pass.
Take into account how you're feeling beforw you decide on what to do. Be kind to yourself, it's difficult being hurt.

@NewDayNewLife I kinda focused mainly on getting out there and doing things arranged by strangers on Meetup as my main way to socialise. Then if I did see an established friend that was a bonus. I did find in the last couple of years it was only single friends that made room and an effort to see me and not cancel.

Thanks everyone. I'll try staying with the feeling.
I also appreciate the advice not to push to see people. I'm guilty of this... hoping people from my past will be available, but getting the same results most times.

It sucks when people do this, and I agree that they might not do it to a married friend - maybe because the married friend would likely tell their spouse and make them look worse!! Other posters are right that it is a reflection on how much you are valued by the cancellers (not enough .)

I hate that, I also hate it when you ask someone to meet up and they say 'I'll let you know'. Like, what, I'm supposed to keep the time free just in case you decide you are available?
Frankly I think if you make plans, unless you've broken your leg, have a sick kid or some other disaster you go.
I have some friends who I know are as likely to cancel as make it - so I half expect it and accept that's the deal.
So I think you have to see any trends - is it the same couple of people who are unreliable? If so, do you still want to keep making the effort yourself? If you do, then I'd say to them you need to be able to rely on them when you make plans. Tell them you have kept the time available and it really isn't fair on you cancelling last minute. If they push back on that then they aren't very good friends in the first place.

I've pulled away from a friend who kept me dangling all the time. She would say she was keen to meet, I'd arrange work/coursework to meet and then she'd say she was tired as very busy (she works weekends and off in week apart from school run).

Later in the day she'd say she was awake, but I gave up running over later as it again stopped me doing anything with my one day off and would be close to school run time. It's a shame as we have been friends for over 30 years, but I realise over the past few years she has become very selfish. I had become a safe option to moan at, and drop. I'm going to plan my time on more reliable options.

I'm so sorry to hear that many of you have also experienced this with friends, but I'm glad to see that there are many who have been able to take positive action and live a happier life because of it.

If I am honest with myself, the times in my life when this happened a lot were when I wasn't bringing much to the friendship. I was loyal and kind and a good listener (too good. People would meet to moan and offload but not for socialising.) But I was a bit droopy and uninspiring and clearly a bit lonely and needy with MH problems: an inconsequential meet up meant way more to me than it did to these friends with busy lives.

My advice is: get busy. In the short term it won't create good friendships. In the long term, it is very likely to.

Make a list of different things you'd like to explore in different areas of life. You already mention church, so you have a starting point wiht faith and spirituality. Do the same with fitness and health - at least two classes or sessions a week - maybe a bootcamp or weight training (which seriously develops your self-confidence and gives you the posture of someone who has a presence in the world) and maybe something a bit light-hearted - belly dancing or salsa or jive, or even country dancing, where you have to interact with others.

Then add soem sort of community service - anything form food bank, meals on wheels etc to community gardening or local politics.

Immerse yourself in lots of different areas of life that interest you and matter to you. Soon you will be the busy one who barely has time to meet up, but when you do you will have anecdotes and opinions, you will exude an energy of a well-lived life, and that is very attractive to friends.

@NewDayNewLife

Thank you so much for your reply, *@Wiredforsound*. That makes a lot of sense. Although I rarely cancel on anyone, there have been a few times where I might have wanted to but didn't want to appear rude and/or disappoint them. It's a bit of a catch-22 situation.

I never cancel bar illness, if I do it's at least 24 hours before. I think you need to make yourself busy and just focus on the reliable people. I rarely see certain people as they either won't commit or flake on me, I simply don't have time for them. One friend and I had a very close intense friendship for about 5 years, lots of gigs, festivals, nights out. However I've been unceremoniously dumped for a better option, and relegated to "call in in the week for a half hour catch up friend" rather than a weekend friend. Due to the pandemic I've become far more self reliant and happy with my own company though, and am quite happy to do things on my own.

Dear Op,

Like you l can feel very disappointed with a last minute cancellation and no offer to rearrange. Over the years l have distanced myself from these people.

My mantra recently has been - look at who is moving towards you in terms of making the effort and put your energy into them. Avoid ‘pushing’ for arrangements with people who view you as an option.

I have a friend who invited me for a birthday celebration, then changed the date, forgot to update me and then when l phoned to confirm the weekend, it all felt a bit awkward. In all fairness l think it was a matter of absent mindedness but there was no apology.

So I just decided not to contact her again until she had reached out to me in a meaningful way. It wasn’t a dealbreaker but l needed to see she was prepared to make the effort ( and she did)

I have also got another friend who l invited round for dinner with her sister (who is visiting from abroad) She said she would get back with a date but l haven’t heard anything. The sister is only here for two weeks so it all feels a bit awkward. I genuinely don’t know if l should chase or not. Probably not but a bit of me feels annoyed at how l have been left dangling.

Like other posters, l have realized that l cannot rely on friends. But l can rely on groups. Meet up is a great resource and learning a new sport /skill is great - l am currently having tennis lessons. So it gives me a structure to the week that happens come what may. Sometimes l even feel too busy.

I have found that the disappointments don’t sting so much if you have plenty going on. Also you are less likely to ‘chase’ friends when they are only being half- arsed towards you - your energy is precious so use it in areas of your life that will benefit you.