When friends cancel

[NewDayNewLife]

Hi everyone,
I would really appreciate some advice on a long-term issue I have been experiencing, which started pre-pandemic.
I am currently single. I feel sad and disappointed when my friends cancel plans, and when this happens it affects my mental health in the short-term. I think the reason I am disappointed is twofold: first, I can't spend time and hang out with them, and second, because I feel like I'm not really a priority in their life. I would feel better about it if they re-scheduled with a new date but this rarely happens. It happened again yesterday with someone who really seemed to want to come over, who then cancelled at the last minute and said they needed more sleep.
I believe the issue is with me, not them. As disappointed as I felt, the rational part of me was at least able to recognise that the person I was going to see yesterday likely needed the sleep and may not have had time to do so otherwise.
I would really like advice from others, if they have been in a similar situation and/or have coping strategies for dealing with this disappointment. I know that sitting around feeling sad is not very productive, but I have tried to busy myself with other activities and have found this doesn't work because it blocks rather than solves the issue.
Any advice appreciated. Thanks!

I really don't think this is a partnered friend vs single friend thing. I feel strongly about not letting other people down and have a partner and commitments. Some people are just unreliable and treat arrangements as flexible to suit themselves. Perhaps you haven't set strong enough boundaries with these people and they think it's okay to flake on you. Do you let them know you're upset or disappointed when they do this?

Don't make others a priority when you're just an option to them.

@gingerhills

If I am honest with myself, the times in my life when this happened a lot were when I wasn't bringing much to the friendship. I was loyal and kind and a good listener (too good. People would meet to moan and offload but not for socialising.) But I was a bit droopy and uninspiring and clearly a bit lonely and needy with MH problems: an inconsequential meet up meant way more to me than it did to these friends with busy lives.

My advice is: get busy. In the short term it won't create good friendships. In the long term, it is very likely to.

Make a list of different things you'd like to explore in different areas of life. You already mention church, so you have a starting point wiht faith and spirituality. Do the same with fitness and health - at least two classes or sessions a week - maybe a bootcamp or weight training (which seriously develops your self-confidence and gives you the posture of someone who has a presence in the world) and maybe something a bit light-hearted - belly dancing or salsa or jive, or even country dancing, where you have to interact with others.

Then add soem sort of community service - anything form food bank, meals on wheels etc to community gardening or local politics.

Immerse yourself in lots of different areas of life that interest you and matter to you. Soon you will be the busy one who barely has time to meet up, but when you do you will have anecdotes and opinions, you will exude an energy of a well-lived life, and that is very attractive to friends.

@gingerhills

But why do single people always get given advice similar to this? So you have to artificially inflate your life for your 'friends' to want to spend time with you? I've never heard of partnered up people to get note 'interesting'

*to get more interesting it should say!

It isn’t just you! I have a partner but got this all the time from other people. I generally don’t bother much with people nowadays because the chance they’ll flake is so high, and I feel embarrassed asking them whether they’ll actually be showing up or not. I’ll admit it helps I’m an introvert who doesn’t need much social contact.

Instead I go to yoga classes four times a week (the instructors know me at least!), got an adorable puppy who I take out on walks daily (she’s got a little neighbourhood fan base now), and otherwise get enough of a people fill by going to the office a few times a week. I fill my alone time with reading, podcasts, jigsaws, balcony gardening, cooking and learning something new each month. I also travel by myself abroad a few times a year - I’m going to Albania in April which I can’t wait for! The funny thing is people who meet me think my life sounds very exciting, but it’s actually totally devoid of friendships. So I don’t agree with the person who says being busy and having a ‘rich’ inner life attracts people. It hasn’t for me at least.

I am looking to get pregnant this year, so I’m hoping that will bunch me together with a few women in similar situations who are less likely to bail.

I think it's really rude and I have no time for people who do this. People make time for the things that matter. Time to find some new friends / volunteer / get a new hobby OP

Op its hard. I have few good friends. Hate the non comittals must meet up but no date! So I leave it to them. Dog great gets me out house.

Sorry, accidentally pressed post while still typing.
In thinking about it, @Gingerhills, I can see where you're coming from and can sort of relate. Maybe I do come across as a bit "droopy" without meaning to. I like having deep conversations and I know there are some people who just want to have fun when with friends, so people might think I'm a bit much.
@Dacquoise
When this first became a problem, I would tell somep about being lonely but, to be honest, it didn't really change much. I'd like to think that if a friend were to tell me they were lonely I'd make more of an effort to spend time with them, but if they don't see the need to socialise as much, that might make sense.
I'm actually very introverted in general. I like my own company a lot of the time and have a lot of interests like reading, writing, music, and trivia. Too much time spent with people would be overwhelming. But I do like having some social interaction, and having something to look forward to.

Re ththe deep conversations - this used to be me! I’ve now realised that just having some fun is just as meaningful! Not sure if that helps

Yes, that is helpful, @MovingOnUp22, and I'm glad you feel things have improved. You probably had to really work at it at first, and then having fun became more natural? I would say that I am most "fun" in activities like trivia and improv, although even these have serious elements. I do have a sense of humour, will sometimes crack jokes and people will laugh but it's usually over after that.

Im actually a real extrovert so it was actually more a matter of working through some trauma etc so not sure if it’s different from an introvert perspective- but I think it might be the same basic issue of what to expect from a friendship a and I realised that being joyful can be just as valuable as being all deep if that makes sense?

But you can def get that joy from groups as much as one to one and it “counts” just as much! So going that in a group doesn’t mean that it means any less than one to one!

Yes that does make sense. Can I ask you (more out of curiosity than anything else), do you prefer conversations with one or two people for a long time, or do you like mingling and having short conversations at events? I typically prefer just talking with one or two people at a time. However, the group I attended this week which I mentioned had organised conversation where everyone was listening to what others were saying. I liked that and preferred it to groups where lots of conversations are happening at once and people are moving around. I suppose we all have some introverted/extroverted tendencies. Glad to hear you were able to work through your trauma.

Honestly I could talk to a lamppost or a group f lampposts for a short or a lang time 😁 but I think for you it sounds like organised groups sound like a great fit! Have you tried book clubs? Board game groups? Quiz nights might be great fun for you if you can find a local group as they have structure. And I think then you’ll find the social enjoyment without then being too dependant on one person who might flake out. You sound lovely. I think you’ll find your tribe.

Thanks! I've never been part of an "official" book club but did a virtual "club" with one person during the pandemic which was fun! And quiz nights sound like my thing! I participated in a team for quiz games at my school from around the age of 12 to 17. It was for about 2 weeks during the year, and you'd keep playing depending on if your team won. It was fun!

Have you tried meetup?? It can very hit and miss but when I’ve moved to new places I’ve had some great times (but also been to a lot of dud meetup events

It's all trial and error, isn't it? I believe I created an account but I need to explore it more.

Totally trial and error!

Have you dipped into the neurodiverse sub topic on mumsnet? No idea obviously but I wonder if some of the insights on there might resonate with you in terms of social interactions?

But I can’t stress enough that really virtually everyone goes through this kind of thing at some point in time - even raging extroverts who look like the outside they have million of friends!

I’ve stopped making plans with the “I’ll let you know” type or the ones who only want to meet for a Monday morning coffee. I need Saturday eve friends and Sunday lunch. The weekdays are easy to fill. Just stop bothering with people who cancel.

No I haven't, but funnily enough although I have always had some physical disabilities, I do seem to have some ASD traits. I took some online tests with a friend and scored high on these too! I'll take a look at it and take everyone's ideas on-board. Thank you.

Yes I agree, weekdays are so much easier to fill.

@Musttryharder2021 I have a partner and I gave that note to myself. I think it's true of anyone who either has lost their oomph in life or who like OP (and me) naturally prefers a rather intense conversation when most people just want a light hearted chat. To keep friends, especially if you don't have many, it's important to be an energising not draining person to be around, whether you have a partner or not. It;s a really important skill to acquire.

Hi there, I am sorry your friends keep cancelling, it can be so annoying. I would say that you should move on from people like these (emotionally). It did help me to change the expectations I had from people, if you dont expect much, you dont get disappointed.

Flaky friends only get one chance with me. I don't accept the above covid blaming - 'we are so tired now, we just need peace, so cancelling left right and centre'. I don't accept that. It's just nonsense.

Thanks for the additional replies.
Just an update: the church group met for the second week and it was great. I have two social plans this week: one to talk with a friend over the phone and then I'll be going out for a sandwich with another friend this weekend. I look forward to both. If either cancels I will be kind to myself about my emotions and will not chase them up for a re-schedule.

Sounds fab!

And yep re the catch ups - if they happen lovely if not - well you’ve got church group to look forward to and lots of other group and other things in the future you don’t even know about yet