Relationship breaking down - preparing to be a single mum

[Mumandscrewed]

I’ve name changed for obvious reasons.

I’m 6 months pp and have been told by DP that he’s no longer happy, we’re missing spark etc and although he won’t say it, our relationship is over. Apparently there is no one else.

I still have 5 months of maternity leave left, with only 2 more months of pay. My little one is 6 months old, we have a dog and own a house together - I’m on the mortgage but the bulk of the deposit came from him and I’d be hesitant of taking any of the money that has come from him.

Realistically the house is going to have to go, we can’t live together and not be in a relationship. We aren’t married, but stupidly my little one has his surname and I don’t yet have a passport for them. They are breastfed and generally doesn’t take a bottle.

Has anyone got any practical advice for how I can best prepare to be a single parent? Is there anything I need to look at financially or think about from a custody POV?

I can’t believe I’m in this position :(

As no one else has replied, some facts as I know them:

• assuming you will be the main parent (even in a 50/50 situation), all you are entitled to financially (I believe) is Child Maintenance. There's an online calculator for this but you'll need to know your ex/part ers income.
• custody is whatever you agree between you. This can be informal and flexible. Or you can write this up into a formal order, which can be legally actionable if beeched. Otherwise, you're potentially looking at out court I guess.
• take legal advice on the house situation

I hope I'm very very wrong, but often when men say the spark has gone but there is no one else - there very much is and claims to the contrary are made to try to get the woman to accept less than she is entitled to in settlement ("no hard feelings, things just didn't work out, I'm a Good Guy, now be a Good Girl and let me sh*ft you" 🤷‍♀️).

Even if not, play things fairly but very firmly with him. You have a child to think of - you need to get everything you are entitled to for the sake of him/her.

I was married, so I don’t know how you’ll fare financially.

Don’t worry about the passport - I’ve taken my sons all over the world with a different surname. I’ve also never asked their father’s permission to take them out of the country.

I’m 17 years in as a sole parent now!

I’m so sorry you’re in this position op, you’ve got some good advice.

I can only say I was single all the way (by choice) I’m very happy with a 3 year old dd council property in lovely area near outstanding school in a village. so it if it looks like you will become homeless and you have any kind of money you’re allowed up to 16 k and can claim benefits. So you could qualify for a council property and housing income support to pay for it while you’ve got a little one. (Some are lovely they aren’t all in rough areas) so if you lose the house there’s that option or part ownership. You can also in time buy your council property with discount so can become home owner again.

Time will heal, you will be happy again. Look after yourself and little one. Make sure you’re attending groups seeing and meeting other mums. £3.50 for 3 hours our local baby group. Get out the house. Eat healthily, rest when you can and don’t give him the head space. I’d go as far as to say yes, I agree let’s split. Take control, own and run your own life and don’t let him be responsible for your own happiness.

You got this! You can do this. Xxxx

My advice from that is depending on area try and avoid rented, council is secure and you can buy it. Really depends where you are in uk, if you will have more than 16k give to family meme et you trust the remaining so you can claim while little one is small if you’re not going to be able to afford childcare depending on job ext. if earning enough rent/ still look at part ownership. Or any way of keeping the house with support from dad. Make it easy for him to leave emotionally but not financially give up his obligation in case there is affair. Get legal advice when you can most will give an hour free then let you know if they can take on the case. Xx

Thank you everyone, this has really given me food for thought.

And good to know on the benefits point. I work full time normally and was planning on going back 3 or 4 days but now I probably need to reassess that too.

I was in a similar position too. Went back to work after being split from my ex for 6 months or so. I returned part time, chose the best days that worked for me/the childcare I arranged and got a surprise that I could claim UC too. I’m not in a bad paid job but they essentially “top up” your earnings. Life is easier, less stressful and relaxing just me the baby and the dog now. You will be fine OP :)

If you have more than £16,000 do not give to a family member as this is benefit fraud.

So this guy has had a baby with you and 6 months later he wants to fuck of because of lack of spark at such a stressful time? What a prick.
Why on Earth are you saying you don't want 50%?

I would also try and get name changed. Much easier with permission ( as I am finding out). I gave reverted to " known as" ad I don't want my children go have his name

And think about future. You will be raising child, so doing less hours, sacrificing your career. Get as much finance out of house as you can. Rightly or wrongly your earning potential will be less so protect yourself and child's finances

I’d get a Soliciter ASAP
This is far too much stress and it’s really worth every penny
The good news (sorry !) is that as not married a split is relatively clean
Main focus is on custody and ensuring that given her age , your young one is cared for and whilst so young you are primary carer

Childcare and solutions will emerge
I know right now you feel vulnerable and scared

How’s is family and friends ? Do they know ?
Time to rally

How’a work and are you returning ft

Start to build local networks and mum friends

I’ll get shot for this / bit I don’t care as childcare is disgustingly expensive , explore local mums who might want to get some extra money and look after baby . Yes they need to be decent and trusted but that’s how I’ve done childcare affordably even part time

You can and will do this x

And go back to work
Earn money
I mean that
This will help your security
Don’t reply too much on him
Baby will be fine and you won’t be skint

If he will give you 50% of the value of the house fgs take it. You are going to be bearing the financial brunt of bringing up your child so for their sake you need to be as financially stable as possible.

There is almost certainly another woman btw.

I agree with a pp - you have a 6 month old baby and he’s complaining there’s no spark? What a dick. As others have said, please take 50% if you can.

I’m a single parent and although it was an adjustment when we split I wouldn’t change it now.

Also look at a website called entitled to and check what help you can get financially.

Yeah. Gut feeling is there is someone else, even if he’s not acted on it I think he’s had his head turned and now feels guilty. He’s staying at work longer, and taking his phone everywhere with him which is unusual for him. I can’t get near his phone to check. He just says it’s because it’s SATS season. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Didn’t really want his money as I wanted a clean break, and I didn’t want him to use it as ammo if things were no longer amicable, but PP are right in terms of me taking the brunt of the responsibility etc. it’s all on my head for sure.

I think it might be best for me to figure out what I’m entitled to in different scenarios and go from there. I would assume I wouldn’t be able to afford a mortgage on my own even with my full time salary (£31k) and half the equity in the house.

Of course there's no spark, you've just had a baby.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position. Now should be time to enjoy and bond with your baby so it’s awful you’re going through this.

I agree with PP you’re going to bare the brunt of this financially - it won’t be you staying at work late and starting early or picking up extra shifts (childcare) and I bet you’ll be the one off when your little one has a cold or is poorly so don’t feel you need to do the “fair” thing with the equity in the house.

Also on your salary you might be better off to drop a day and claim UC - this helps with childcare costs too.

Trying to tell him it’s normal after having a baby for your relationship to change is like talking to a brick wall. It’s gutting because I know he has an engagement ring, it only arrived a few weeks ago and to see the turnaround from a previously happy relationship (well I thought so), is gutting. I was getting ready to spend my life with him.

He’s totally freaked out I assume.

All good points on the additional childcare load. He works in education so he’ll be free during holidays but you can bet he would never take a day off if they were ill and they were with him. He wouldn’t do that now, so why would anything change?

It is good you are getting yourself prepared. My relationship broken down a few years ago. Not married. I sought legal advice as the deposit in the house was mine. The advice was as follows. Ring fence deposit. He could take it to court but that would cost. Deduct joint debts that I was left paying. Deduct remaining mortgage. And split the equity 50/50.

Look at the turn2us website. And play with the figure. Returning to work 3/4 days should give you some top up and they will cover your costs of childcare up to 85%.

Cms. Take a look at the online calculator and see what you would be entitled too. It's is good your child's father is in teaching. I assume no chance of him going self employed and hiding his earnings.

Depending where you live you may have the option of local authority housing. Many areas this is limited.

You may have an option of a mortgage. Some take into account benefits and Cms. To increase you pot. This will of course depend on the cost of property where you are and the deposit you will have available to you. Do seek advice from a mortgage broker if this seems possible. They have access to more providers

Take it one day at a time. Your baby is only little. She won't know anything different and just needs love and stability. Routine a d consistency is let going forward for everyone.

Sorry you’re going through this.

I would encourage you to get any financial support you can from him. If your names is on the deeds, you’re entitled to a share of the house. He must also pay CMS. I know that now a clean break seems preferable but would suggest you listen to your head and not your heart. He is leaving you in the lurch with a new baby.

How you both own the house is relevant, if its joint tenants, which is the norm, then whatever equity there is 50/50 (unless you signed a deed of trust on the deposit). But if tenants in common then its split by whatever the specified split is - you would know what this is. Take whatever you are entitled to from the split, as much as you can, as you will be resident parent with such a young baby and the cost of this on your work opportunities alone is enormous. A cost he will not have to bear - CMS is pathetic generally and barely touches the cost of childcare alone.

Don’t let him go for 50/50 - a baby or young child needs a base, a main parent.

I went for 70% of my house (I have 2 children) and was successful.

Thanks everyone, all really decent advice. So much to think about that I haven’t before.

I would fight tooth and nail against 50/50. Holidays would be different but during term time it would be hell to do and be detrimental to my child’s well-being. I also can’t really imagine him doing any of the night wakes if it was needed so 🤷🏼‍♀️

The house is joint tenants so yes I could go 50/50. He has savings and I wonder if there is a way he could release some equity from this house to get a new place and I stay in this house. This all being said I’d rather a fresh start.