Some advice required please.

[Simyboye]

Hi all. I'm new here.
Hope you're all well and happy?

I'm a serving Fire Fighter of 20 years. I'm 47 and met up with a nurse in November, there was not expectations or anything, just nice to meet someone new. She was funny, gentle and appeared to be a really nice woman.

Things developed over the weeks, she was really rubbing off on me and we got close and just let things be. I thought she was amazing.

We did lots of things together and I took her to lots of places and on holiday in Feb, all was ok but she suddenly went distant on me for a week, and the pain I felt was just so intense. I couldn't work out what I had done.
I'm kind, loyal and romantic. I'm clean, good looking and have good things in my life. I'm grateful for this.

Last Friday, she went to a funeral and I was at work. She later video called me and she offloaded her day to me, I thought it would be funny to say "I'm okay thanks". She was irritated by the comment and I then lost the call because of the bad reception.
I text her to say that she was tired and irritable and we'll speak in the morning.

She sent me a text saying I was being passive aggressive and that it was uncalled for to say that, and that she was opening up to me as she had trust issues and is always suspicious. I certainly won't ever make a remark like that again. And I'm not passive aggressive, I'm way to chilled to be like that.

I then decided to tackle this problem and ring her to apologise and tell her I was being an idiot. We cleared the air and told her we'd see each other the next day.

The next morning at about 0600, I text her to say that I would come over for a power hug to start the day on a better note.
I drove over to hers and waited 10 minutes, then decided to cover her windscreen in post it notes, with soppy things like, I love you, you're gorgeous etc. Then drove home.

She text me 60 minutes later and said hello, I told her I'd been over and waited just in case she woke up. She went ballistic at me, calling me weird and stupid. She spent a lot of time breaking me down to tears, what I thought was a romantic and nice thing to do.

I rung her back later that morning to say can we sort things out? She told me to come over at 1500. I drove over and got to hers at 1430. Knocked on the door and when she saw me, went mental again. At this point I was crying because of how nasty she was to me.

After about an hour I lost my temper and decided to fire back, of course in a calm way. I explained everything to her and just how horrid she was being to me. She then apologised to me and I thought it was dealt with. The rest of that day and night, was tearful. I'm not usually like this. Must of really fallen for her? Stupid me.

I stayed the night and wasn't up to much in the morning because I was still upset. We had a cuddle and fed, I decided I needed to go because I was struggling to keep it together.

Just as I was about to leave, she told me things will be ok. I asked her is she just saying that to make me feel better. She verbally attacked me so hard, it was like I assaulted one of her siblings. I burst into tears and said thanks for your hospitality and left. This happened Sunday and I've not her a single thing from her since.

As I type this, I know I need to have more respect for myself and stop being so emotional. No idea why I am.

I'm so perplexed as to what has happened, I don't think I've returned back to planet earth yet, she verbally attacked me so hard, I just didn't see it coming.

I want to ask you kind people what you're thoughts are? I simply cannot see how I could go back to that relationship and forgive.

She's told me she's on the spectrum of some kind, and she compartmentalises everything in her life including me, but I certainly do not deserve this. And the sad thing is I love her.

She did tell me she had PMT, I know I probably should not have gone round and should not have said I'm okay, but I come from a place of peace and love.

Thank you so much in advance.
Love to you all

My first thought is that you two have very different styles of communication! You both might need to agree to explain what you mean by comments, at least in the early stages.
When you asked her if she was just saying something to make you feel better - that's a sign of your self-doubt/lack of self-esteem.

This is far too hard four months in, you don’t get on.

Thanks. I KNOW how texts and WhatsApp messages can be misread. We had the chat about this a few times. But still ended up here.

I do my best to be consistent. She has issues that I just don't understand.

Are you male or female OP?

If you are male, yeah, covering the windscreen in post-its could feel very threatening to anyone who's previously experienced abuse/stalking. Which, you know, a lot of women - perhaps the majority - have. I'd certainly have freaked the fuck out.

If you are female then I'd be irritated by having you randomly text me at bum o'clock in the morning, sit on my drive for 30 minutes but not call me or knock, then have to pick a shit ton of paper off my car before I could leave for work. The day after a funeral, which you'd made it clear you weren't interested in hearing me talk through my feelings about.

"I text her to say that she was tired and irritable and we'll speak in the morning." 🤨 Seriously?! You made a flippant remark while she was trying to lean on you for support after attending a funeral, then when she got upset you told her what her feelings were?!

Not sure what the argument the following day was all about (although I'd have been pissed off if you rocked up half an hour early, it's bloody rude) but I think it's safe to say you don't bring out each others' best selves.

In short, I'd leave this "relationship" lying where it is and move on.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Are you male or female OP?

If you are male, yeah, covering the windscreen in post-its could feel very threatening to anyone who's previously experienced abuse/stalking. Which, you know, a lot of women - perhaps the majority - have. I'd certainly have freaked the fuck out.

If you are female then I'd be irritated by having you randomly text me at bum o'clock in the morning, sit on my drive for 30 minutes but not call me or knock, then have to pick a shit ton of paper off my car before I could leave for work. The day after a funeral, which you'd made it clear you weren't interested in hearing me talk through my feelings about.

"I text her to say that she was tired and irritable and we'll speak in the morning." 🤨 Seriously?! You made a flippant remark while she was trying to lean on you for support after attending a funeral, then when she got upset you told her what her feelings were?!

Not sure what the argument the following day was all about (although I'd have been pissed off if you rocked up half an hour early, it's bloody rude) but I think it's safe to say you don't bring out each others' best selves.

In short, I'd leave this "relationship" lying where it is and move on.

I'm male. She's not had stalking issues in the past. That's certainly given me things to process. I've been incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. Thanks for the reply.

OP, I believe you genuinely mean well and mean to be loving and kind. But my word.... the red flags in this story?

1. In feb she went distant on you and then in early March she attended a funeral - is it possible that she was dealing with the grief of losing someone etc? Did she ever tell you why she went quiet?

1. She rang you after she'd been to a funeral, she told you how she ws feeling and you DID get passive aggressive by making a "jokey" not at all jokey comment that "I'm okay thanks." WTAF? Surely the day she attends a funeral is one day she absolutely does not need to be necessarily be worrying about you?

Then you texted her to "say that she was tired and irritable and we'll speak in the morning." Wow. You're a prince. I'm sure she really appreciated being told how she was feeling by a man who had turned her bad day into being all about him.

Then at 6 am you text her to announce you'll be coming over for a power hug? Unless she is regularly up at sparrow's fart, why? And then, once you ddi get there, you didn't knock but sort of sat outside in a slightly creepy way, then covered her car in notes? Her reaction does seem OTT but I have to admit I'd find it a bit weird myself.

THen, after you have already invaded her space and been telling her what she's feeling, when you will be there etc, without her permission, when she asks you to come at 15:00 you turn up at 14:30? I honestly can't understand why you can't see that this isn't ideal. She wasn't expecting you at 14:30. She was expecting you at 15:00. Perhaps she wanted to shower, clean then house, finish her book. I don't know. But why turn up 30 minutes early, particularly on a day when things are already tense and she's expressed that your behaviour is too much!?

Of course, it's all about you so you're crying and sobbing because she's so nasty? Then more passive aggressive comments about her hospitality etc.

Honestly, if you genuinely like this woman, why don't you listen to her and respond to what she needs and wants, not what you do?

@BlingLoving

OP, I believe you genuinely mean well and mean to be loving and kind. But my word.... the red flags in this story?

1. In feb she went distant on you and then in early March she attended a funeral - is it possible that she was dealing with the grief of losing someone etc? Did she ever tell you why she went quiet?

1. She rang you after she'd been to a funeral, she told you how she ws feeling and you DID get passive aggressive by making a "jokey" not at all jokey comment that "I'm okay thanks." WTAF? Surely the day she attends a funeral is one day she absolutely does not need to be necessarily be worrying about you?

Then you texted her to "say that she was tired and irritable and we'll speak in the morning." Wow. You're a prince. I'm sure she really appreciated being told how she was feeling by a man who had turned her bad day into being all about him.

Then at 6 am you text her to announce you'll be coming over for a power hug? Unless she is regularly up at sparrow's fart, why? And then, once you ddi get there, you didn't knock but sort of sat outside in a slightly creepy way, then covered her car in notes? Her reaction does seem OTT but I have to admit I'd find it a bit weird myself.

THen, after you have already invaded her space and been telling her what she's feeling, when you will be there etc, without her permission, when she asks you to come at 15:00 you turn up at 14:30? I honestly can't understand why you can't see that this isn't ideal. She wasn't expecting you at 14:30. She was expecting you at 15:00. Perhaps she wanted to shower, clean then house, finish her book. I don't know. But why turn up 30 minutes early, particularly on a day when things are already tense and she's expressed that your behaviour is too much!?

Of course, it's all about you so you're crying and sobbing because she's so nasty? Then more passive aggressive comments about her hospitality etc.

Honestly, if you genuinely like this woman, why don't you listen to her and respond to what she needs and wants, not what you do?

I came to say exactly this, you don’t sound sweet and caring, you sound possessive, and selfish. And the notes on the car thing would have me running for the hills.

You didn’t care for her boundaries, and expected her to put your feelings ahead of her own - and minimised her emotional pain.

The floods of tears from you is also a big no, I bet you told her all about it to try and guilt her into serving you rather than herself.

I think you have a lot of work to do on yourself before entering another relationship

You are way too much, OP This whole story is all about how you feel / what you want. Not once have you considered what she wants or how she feels. You need to back off and give her space.

PS: don't cover anyone's windscreen with post its. The last thing someone needs before heading out is to waste time clearing it. (Why did you even have them anyway?).

Is this some weird sort of autism bashing thread?

Genuinely can't tell

@BlingLoving

OP, I believe you genuinely mean well and mean to be loving and kind. But my word.... the red flags in this story?

1. In feb she went distant on you and then in early March she attended a funeral - is it possible that she was dealing with the grief of losing someone etc? Did she ever tell you why she went quiet?

1. She rang you after she'd been to a funeral, she told you how she ws feeling and you DID get passive aggressive by making a "jokey" not at all jokey comment that "I'm okay thanks." WTAF? Surely the day she attends a funeral is one day she absolutely does not need to be necessarily be worrying about you?

Then you texted her to "say that she was tired and irritable and we'll speak in the morning." Wow. You're a prince. I'm sure she really appreciated being told how she was feeling by a man who had turned her bad day into being all about him.

Then at 6 am you text her to announce you'll be coming over for a power hug? Unless she is regularly up at sparrow's fart, why? And then, once you ddi get there, you didn't knock but sort of sat outside in a slightly creepy way, then covered her car in notes? Her reaction does seem OTT but I have to admit I'd find it a bit weird myself.

THen, after you have already invaded her space and been telling her what she's feeling, when you will be there etc, without her permission, when she asks you to come at 15:00 you turn up at 14:30? I honestly can't understand why you can't see that this isn't ideal. She wasn't expecting you at 14:30. She was expecting you at 15:00. Perhaps she wanted to shower, clean then house, finish her book. I don't know. But why turn up 30 minutes early, particularly on a day when things are already tense and she's expressed that your behaviour is too much!?

Of course, it's all about you so you're crying and sobbing because she's so nasty? Then more passive aggressive comments about her hospitality etc.

Honestly, if you genuinely like this woman, why don't you listen to her and respond to what she needs and wants, not what you do?

This!! Over and over again READ THIS! You sound over the top- it’s only FOUR months in! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

She tells you about her day at a funeral and you respond with 'I'm okay thanks' ? Seriously?

You sound like a twat.

I'd run. As fast as I could. She's hard work.

If I was her I would feel very threatened by your behaviour and be working out how to end it without you becoming a psycho stalking nightmare.

@BlingLoving

OP, I believe you genuinely mean well and mean to be loving and kind. But my word.... the red flags in this story?

1. In feb she went distant on you and then in early March she attended a funeral - is it possible that she was dealing with the grief of losing someone etc? Did she ever tell you why she went quiet?

1. She rang you after she'd been to a funeral, she told you how she ws feeling and you DID get passive aggressive by making a "jokey" not at all jokey comment that "I'm okay thanks." WTAF? Surely the day she attends a funeral is one day she absolutely does not need to be necessarily be worrying about you?

Then you texted her to "say that she was tired and irritable and we'll speak in the morning." Wow. You're a prince. I'm sure she really appreciated being told how she was feeling by a man who had turned her bad day into being all about him.

Then at 6 am you text her to announce you'll be coming over for a power hug? Unless she is regularly up at sparrow's fart, why? And then, once you ddi get there, you didn't knock but sort of sat outside in a slightly creepy way, then covered her car in notes? Her reaction does seem OTT but I have to admit I'd find it a bit weird myself.

THen, after you have already invaded her space and been telling her what she's feeling, when you will be there etc, without her permission, when she asks you to come at 15:00 you turn up at 14:30? I honestly can't understand why you can't see that this isn't ideal. She wasn't expecting you at 14:30. She was expecting you at 15:00. Perhaps she wanted to shower, clean then house, finish her book. I don't know. But why turn up 30 minutes early, particularly on a day when things are already tense and she's expressed that your behaviour is too much!?

Of course, it's all about you so you're crying and sobbing because she's so nasty? Then more passive aggressive comments about her hospitality etc.

Honestly, if you genuinely like this woman, why don't you listen to her and respond to what she needs and wants, not what you do?

THIS

OP your being very self minded, put yourself in the ladies shoes and stop making everything about how YOU feel, show her some respect

@BlingLoving

OP, I believe you genuinely mean well and mean to be loving and kind. But my word.... the red flags in this story?

1. In feb she went distant on you and then in early March she attended a funeral - is it possible that she was dealing with the grief of losing someone etc? Did she ever tell you why she went quiet?

1. She rang you after she'd been to a funeral, she told you how she ws feeling and you DID get passive aggressive by making a "jokey" not at all jokey comment that "I'm okay thanks." WTAF? Surely the day she attends a funeral is one day she absolutely does not need to be necessarily be worrying about you?

Then you texted her to "say that she was tired and irritable and we'll speak in the morning." Wow. You're a prince. I'm sure she really appreciated being told how she was feeling by a man who had turned her bad day into being all about him.

Then at 6 am you text her to announce you'll be coming over for a power hug? Unless she is regularly up at sparrow's fart, why? And then, once you ddi get there, you didn't knock but sort of sat outside in a slightly creepy way, then covered her car in notes? Her reaction does seem OTT but I have to admit I'd find it a bit weird myself.

THen, after you have already invaded her space and been telling her what she's feeling, when you will be there etc, without her permission, when she asks you to come at 15:00 you turn up at 14:30? I honestly can't understand why you can't see that this isn't ideal. She wasn't expecting you at 14:30. She was expecting you at 15:00. Perhaps she wanted to shower, clean then house, finish her book. I don't know. But why turn up 30 minutes early, particularly on a day when things are already tense and she's expressed that your behaviour is too much!?

Of course, it's all about you so you're crying and sobbing because she's so nasty? Then more passive aggressive comments about her hospitality etc.

Honestly, if you genuinely like this woman, why don't you listen to her and respond to what she needs and wants, not what you do?

Agree with all of this 100%.

But the notes on the car windscreen - wth? Sorry but 1 note might have been sweet, loads of them sends psycho messages.

I'm sorry, I'm being very blunt, but I'd have run a mile if I came down to that and I like romantic gestures!

I don't think you're suited at all. I know it hurts but I think you need to move on, wishing you the best of luck.

Sorry OP but all of this would have really creeped me out. Especially the turning up at my house early morning and the post it notes.

In fact I was stalked by a man on tinder who had very similar gestures to you. I'd step back from this relationship and reevaluate how you act in one.

Also don't use 'on the spectrum' or her trauma as reasons for her reactions to you.

Her reactions to you are because your actions make her uncomfortable, not because she is on the spectrum or has dealt with trauma.

@drawingpad

Is this some weird sort of autism bashing thread?

Genuinely can't tell

Who’s bashing anyone with autism?

Did I miss something?

@Toomanycornflakes

Either that I I am wrong. Like I said, I genuinely can't tell. This comment though

She's told me she's on the spectrum of some kind,

Jeez, that comment you made when she had just been to a funeral was so obnoxious. And then you even had the cheek to claim her reaction to it was because of her own issues. That's gaslighting fyi. I'd have chucked you for that dude. Even if she had been distant and called you to ofload and that irritated you, there's no excuse to say that to someone who has just been at a funeral. Ans she is right, it is passive aggressive.

That balz up asside, you just aren't well matched.
Relationships are not supposed to be dramatic. They're supposed to make life easier, not harder.

Tbh op, it sounds like you love bombed in the beginning (holidays 3 months in ect) and continued to do so.

Tbh as other posters have said...driving over to her house in the am...boundaries crossed big time. I can see why she was pissed.

With the kindest of intentions
..i suggest you seek therapy before dating again. Because you've behaved in a way that really isn't normal and u don't even seem to recognise it.

[quote drawingpad]@Toomanycornflakes

Either that I I am wrong. Like I said, I genuinely can't tell. This comment though

She's told me she's on the spectrum of some kind,

[/quote]
I must have mussed that line. I don’t think the OP is autism bashing, just very misinformed and short sighted.

I think he was trying to put her (quite rightly) standoffish behaviour down to her being on the spectrum, rather than view it as a reaction to his own twattish ways 🤷‍♀️

I think he was trying to put her (quite rightly) standoffish behaviour down to her being on the spectrum, rather than view it as a reaction to his own twattish ways 🤷‍♀️

Which was exactly my point. Let's blame autism

The way you spoke to her on the evening of the funeral was unbelievably crass and thoughtless, and completely lacking in any sympathy, empathy or understanding of how someone feels when they are grieving the loss of a loved one.

No wonder she's been spiky with you ever since.

You need to do some serious grovelling to get past this.