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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH really irritating me AIBU?!

32 replies

mamaofboys92 · 09/03/2022 00:05

Please no nasty comments. Fragile mental health as is..

DH and I have been married 6 years, he was always such a positive and happy person but over the years he's become very negative and impatient I put that down to various difficult events happening over the years.

I love him, but recently he's really doing my head in. We have twin boys 9 months old and I really feel like I have to do everything myself and never catch a break because he's 'tired' 24/7. He works from home and has flexible work hours.

Since DC, he's never really interested in dealing with them he is always in a dash to hand them over to me the minute I'm awake or available or even if I'm busy. I can't rely on him to get them to sleep or do their tea etc because he gets fed up the minute it gets challenging. Whe they're having a bad night , he gets so arsey, even though it's me doing the bulk of it all and trying to get them back off etc. it's a nightmare and I feel like I'm having to look after 3 children. I'm surprised and disheartened because I never thought he'd be like this when we had children he always really wanted to be a dad.

When they were born I had complications from the cesarian, but I still had to do most of the work because he was tired. I was the one up all night every night because I felt he wouldn't be able to cope if he hadn't had a good 7 hours sleep and our DC never slept well at all, an hour at a time then awake for 4 hours etc. my mental health and physical health was really bad but he still didn't pull his finger out to help.

Just really fed up of his 'can't be bothered' and hard done by attitude despite me doing all the hard work and giving him an easy ride. Maybe I should have been harder on him from the start? Is this going to get better as DC get older? Starting to feel like I don't recognise him anymore or possibly even love him. I feel so alone in parenting it shouldn't be like this should it?

OP posts:
Dearblossom · 09/03/2022 00:10

Didn't want to read and run, and no, it shouldn't be like this, but it can be at the beginning. Well done you for having two babies and managing it all! I am sure some wiser souls than I will be along shortly, be kind to yourself Flowers

Original poster
mamaofboys92 · 09/03/2022 00:12

@Dearblossom thank you so much I really appreciate your kind wordsThanks sometimes just feel like maybe it should be me doing it all then? Is that how everyone else does it? I do also work and just gone back which is proving to be a nightmare too as he can't be trusted to sort them over night.

OP posts:
springtimeishereagain · 09/03/2022 00:14

No, it should not be like this. Have you talked to dh about how you feel? Have you set out to him just how much you have done and how little he has done In comparison? That might be an idea. Tell him that you get tired too and when you're a parent, you have to step up...

If he's working, he might think that you should do more childcare than he does, but you should both have equal time off - tell him this!!

I don't think he will get better from here. Only you can decide what to do then.

springtimeishereagain · 09/03/2022 00:16

Just seen your last message. Do you work nights? Or are you asking him to sort the dc the night before you work?

What does he do instead of dealing with his dc?

CrumpetStrumpet · 09/03/2022 00:18

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this.

I can strongly relate as a fellow twin mum. My ex husband was very much the same when our babies came along. Unfortunately he left when they were 15 months old as it was "too hard"Shock

His lack of support is unforgivable. Never mind being irritated, he's lucky you haven't put just head though the wall! I know you said no nasty comments but his behaviour is unacceptable. You need and deserve more support. In my case my irritation with my husband just grew and grew. I lost all my respect for him because he was such a bad father.

Original poster
mamaofboys92 · 09/03/2022 00:19

@springtimeishereagain
Thanks for your reply I really appreciate it,
We have spoken in the past about it and I've told him I need more support, he's agreed and said he'll try, and he does for about 3 days and then goes back to his usual attitude.
No I work days but with his flexibility the hours are fine but very early starts so I can finish earlier and he gets to start his job. (Understandable that he hands them to me at that point to dash off to his office and work) but over night he gets frustrated doing the night feeds or struggles to wake up and it makes me feel uneasy so I end up doing it, and then being absolutely exhausted at work! It makes me feel so resentful as they tend to lie in anyway so he could easy catch up on the missed sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamaofboys92 · 09/03/2022 00:20

@springtimeishereagain
Sorry to add for your last question, he will usually sit and play on his laptop or opt to do extra work for his job, or reply to emails, generally just potter about and find excuses not to deal with them.

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 09/03/2022 00:21

I think you should start pointing out exactly how “tired” he would be if you broke up and he had to take care of the DT’s 24/7 for many days in a row. Maybe give him a practice run to see how he likes it. Pack your bags, hand them over and say “I’m tired. I’m staying somewhere else for 24hrs to get some rest and I only want to be contacted in the event of a medical emergency - (and there had better not be one, btw. You need to prove to me that you are my partner in all senses of the word and step the fuck up.). Consider this an idea of what life will be when we split up because you CBA being a parent.”

Original poster
mamaofboys92 · 09/03/2022 00:21

@CrumpetStrumpet

Sorry to hear you've been through the same thing it's absolutely awful and so so heartbreaking.
You're absolutely right though I do think he's got off lightly so far and doesn't realise how fortunate he is that he gets to rest and do whatever he wants whenever he wants!
How are you doing now?

OP posts:
Original poster
mamaofboys92 · 09/03/2022 00:24

@Justilou1
I think you're absolutely right and I have imagined doing that exact scenario so many times, but been worried incase something does happen! But maybe now is the time. Now or never, or I'll never know exactly how committed he is to our family.

Just a case of man up and tell him I think! You're right though. If he knew how it felt to be me, he'd soon know the bloody definition of tired, I've felt like a shell of a human being since pregnancy!

OP posts:
CrumpetStrumpet · 09/03/2022 00:27

@mamaofboys92 Time he stopped getting off so lightly. Having twins is absolutely exhausting and without support you will run yourself into the ground. You must be superwoman to go back to work so early. I went back when mine were two and it nearly killed me.

Your needs matter just as much as your husbands. They are his children as well and he needs to pull his finger out!

We are doing okay now thank you. It has been incredibly hard but tbh I feel better off on my own. I don't seethe with resentment watching my ex be useless. It used to make me blind with rage when he was still here.

CrumpetStrumpet · 09/03/2022 00:31

@Justilou1 I know your advice is well meaning but I would caution op against it.

My ex was so useless with our twins that I believe they could have been potentially at risk had I done something like that. My ex simply did not bond with our babies the way a father should. Therefore I did not trust him to behave in tbe way a loving dad should.

Justilou1 · 09/03/2022 00:33

@mamaofboys92, if it helps, I did the same with my DH when my DD1 was two and my DT’s were younger than yours. We lived nowhere near any family to come and save him, so he had to do it. I also put a caveat in that I wanted the groceries done, laundry and the housework, and if I came home to a shitheap, I’d turn right around and it would be another 24hrs.

Justilou1 · 09/03/2022 00:34

@CrumpetStrumpet - good thing he’s your ex then! I’m guessing that this was a major contributing factor!!!

gonnascreamsoon · 09/03/2022 06:41

Time to bite the bullet OP and tell him exactly how he's failing to rise to the challenge of being a father !

Don't pull your punches either, and tell him that you're acutely aware of all his 'tactics' to get out of doing his share of parenting !

I'd give him sole responsibility for 'jobs' to get him started e.g Doing all bath and bedtime routines or doing full 'night duty' (no matter how hard the night !) on 3-4 set nights a week etc.

He also needs to be given sole responsibility for household 'jobs' too e.g He does ALL laundry + ironing or he does ALL food shopping and cooking etc, whatever will work for you (Just make sure HIS jobs occur as frequently as YOUR 'jobs' , take as many hours to do and cover 7 days a week !)

Good luck x

GeneLovesJezebel · 09/03/2022 06:44

No it shouldn’t, and you’d probably be better on your own and then you wouldn’t have to suffer the disappointment and rage at him, which will eventually turn into resentment.

Didimum · 09/03/2022 06:48

I have twins. They’re four years old now, and I could not have coped without my partner being the incredible dad he is. You deserve 100% better. I’m honestly struggling with what advice to give you because I’m not sure I could forgive something like this - he’s truly shown you who he is: someone that cares more for himself than his wife as children. That’s what it amounts to. I’d be attending marriage counselling immediately to see if there is anything to salvage.

sweetbellyhigh · 09/03/2022 06:54

Look it sounds awful but it seems weird that his attitude has changed from positive to negative.

Did something big happen? Is he depressed?

I'm not suggesting this excuses his behaviour but it may help you both to understand.

I'm afraid though that whatever the cause, your marriage will not survive unless he steps up a lot and soon. There is nothing ok about it.

I

MarshmallowsOnToast · 09/03/2022 06:58

@sweetbellyhigh

Look it sounds awful but it seems weird that his attitude has changed from positive to negative.

Did something big happen? Is he depressed?

I'm not suggesting this excuses his behaviour but it may help you both to understand.

I'm afraid though that whatever the cause, your marriage will not survive unless he steps up a lot and soon. There is nothing ok about it.

I

I'd guess the "did something big happen" would have been having twins!
CrumpetStrumpet · 09/03/2022 07:05

@Didimum I'm inclined to agree :( I was never able to look at my husband in the same way again once I saw what a rubbish dad and partner he was after our twins were born.

@sweetbellyhigh I can only speak for myself but in my case I believe that having our twins simply revealed what sort of person my husband really was. His mask simply slipped and I saw the real personality hiding behind his masquerade. He blamed it all on depression and had a 'breakdown' A quite carefully orchestrated one though. It left him apparently unable to converse with me or interact with our dc, but will able to chat away to people on Twitch until 3am every morningHmm

OP. The bottom line is that your husband sees you struggling and he does not care enough to do anything about it. I spent months and months making up excuses for my husband but I see it really clearly now. In fact I feel embarrassed at all the effort I put in to savi g the marriage. I even arranged marriage counselling through our HV which he went to and made no effort throughout. You truly truly deserve better. Do you have help and support from family and friends?

Malibuismysecrethome · 09/03/2022 07:19

I think it would be easier to be a mum to your twins without him around. You could just concentrate on them and yourself. I would guess you have to look after him as well so I would be asking him to leave. He won’t change and doesn’t seem excited by his children.

sweetbellyhigh · 09/03/2022 07:19

@MarshmallowsOnToast

Why would you guess that? The OP says it's happened gradually over a number of years

sweetbellyhigh · 09/03/2022 07:20

@CrumpetStrumpet

Yes but that's your story, not the OP's. she says he's become increasingly unhappy in recent years not just since the babies were born

Didimum · 09/03/2022 07:49

It doesn’t really matter if something is causing a low mood and unhappiness. If there is something, find out what that is and and get him help, of course. Etc etc. But mums don’t get off the hook with being mums, despite whatever may be depressing them, causing them upset and anxiety.

CrumpetStrumpet · 09/03/2022 07:50

@sweetbellyhigh I'm very aware it's only my story but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to share my experience.

If he's become increasingly unhappy then he needs to do something about it. Sitting on his arse while his wife runs herself into the ground is unacceptable under any circumstances. If he's depressed he needs to seek help. I read time and time on here about men conveniently using their 'depression' as a reason to check out of family life. Woman are rarely afforded the same luxury.