DH really irritating me AIBU?!

[mamaofboys92]

Please no nasty comments. Fragile mental health as is..

DH and I have been married 6 years, he was always such a positive and happy person but over the years he's become very negative and impatient I put that down to various difficult events happening over the years.

I love him, but recently he's really doing my head in. We have twin boys 9 months old and I really feel like I have to do everything myself and never catch a break because he's 'tired' 24/7. He works from home and has flexible work hours.

Since DC, he's never really interested in dealing with them he is always in a dash to hand them over to me the minute I'm awake or available or even if I'm busy. I can't rely on him to get them to sleep or do their tea etc because he gets fed up the minute it gets challenging. Whe they're having a bad night , he gets so arsey, even though it's me doing the bulk of it all and trying to get them back off etc. it's a nightmare and I feel like I'm having to look after 3 children. I'm surprised and disheartened because I never thought he'd be like this when we had children he always really wanted to be a dad.

When they were born I had complications from the cesarian, but I still had to do most of the work because he was tired. I was the one up all night every night because I felt he wouldn't be able to cope if he hadn't had a good 7 hours sleep and our DC never slept well at all, an hour at a time then awake for 4 hours etc. my mental health and physical health was really bad but he still didn't pull his finger out to help.

Just really fed up of his 'can't be bothered' and hard done by attitude despite me doing all the hard work and giving him an easy ride. Maybe I should have been harder on him from the start? Is this going to get better as DC get older? Starting to feel like I don't recognise him anymore or possibly even love him. I feel so alone in parenting it shouldn't be like this should it?

Looking after babies is a grind. Sadly too many fathers don't step up and do their fair share.
It's shit then having not only to do all the work but fix the problem too by getting your lazy husband to do more Plus, it's so disappointing to be put in that position and have to persuade the person you thought would be a good father to do better.
You have my sympathies OP. I don't have any easy answers for you.
I'd maybe pick a quiet moment and say something, but if he's not doing it willingly now, he may never.
A wise friend of mine (already had children) introduced me to the expression 'default parent'. You are already the default parent for your kids and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job.
The default parent may get the lion's share of the work, but I think they also get the very best parts - you will know your kids so much better, will know how to comfort them and look after them.
Your DH may find out too late what he's missing or he may be a better father to toddlers/older children.
I have to say my DH was a dreadful disappointment when our DD was a baby but improved as she got older.

Thank you for your replies everyone I really appreciate your inputs. I feel so so shitty and alone, I don't have family nearby to help they're in a different country!
I really am starting to resent him. He's so lazy it's unreal and when he gets in a huff about something, he'll kick things out of his way or bash things about (not at us, just by himself usually) but it puts me on edge. My mother was like that, I had an abusive childhood and was always walking on eggshells around her. Sad that I now feel like I have to do the same with DH which is really getting me, I never thought he was like that, feel like I'm grieving for a person I used to know.

I'm so tempted to leave him. I don't really know what's stopping me.

I'm so tempted to leave him. I don't really know what's stopping me

The fact that you've been conditioned by your childhood to put up with this, because you weren't able to 'break up' with your parents.

It helped me to imagine a very confident, self respecting person, and what they would say and do in my situation. I thought about Ruby from 'Good Girls'! She'd immediately say 'You want me to get up and see to the kids when it's your turn? Jog on, boy, I'm staying in bed, this is yours to deal with!'

Even just having awareness of other ways of responding is useful.

But essentially, he's not going to change, and Ruby would be saying 'You failed me, I'm gone!' and she'd go.

OP I think you've identified the problem when you talk about your own childhood experience which has normalised being treated badly by someone who is supposed to love you.

If you stay you will normalise it for your own dc.

Break the cycle OP, it's important for your own mental health and well being and also for you children.

The way your DH is treating you is not OK for anyone to treat another person

Your update makes me feel a bit sad for you. You do deserve better than this.
It's really hard to leave a relationship, and you've put it so well, you're grieving for the person you thought your DH was. Lazy is one thing but the lashing out is conditioning you to be afraid and to make you stop asking for help - the whole eggshells scenario. This is abusive.
Leaving can take time. To sort out your options and get yourself together mentally. Maybe you could start thinking about how you could make it happen? One step at a time.

If you are tempted to leave. What is stopping you? Do you need a plan, a timescale? Do talk it over here with us, I'm sure you will get lot's of support and advice to break free and bring those boys up within a happy home. You've got this @mamaofboys92

If you split up you would have SO MUCH more time to yourself - how ridiculous is that?

What are the weekends like? Do you both have them off? How do you split childcare then?

I have had conversations with my DH when he hasn’t been pulling his weight (weekends/evenings spent out of the house) and pointed out how much more time I would have if we split up. I proposed going 50/50 if we couldn’t reach a natural balance. I think we had to have that discussion twice and it has worked (mostly!).

However you broach it, I hope you’re able to work through the tricky part. Small children are really tough, and it does get easier.