35, feeling aged, seeing lonely future

[Londonbabyland]

Had busy 20's with relationships, successful career and high earnings. Then major heartbreak and burnout at 28. Made out of darkness and hopelessness at 30 into long desired motherhood with an old flame who turned out a crook. Ended up solo. Whilst motherhood rocks it feels that as a woman I'm finished. So is career. There seem to be no vision of either,no energy to go out and fight for good jobs, compete. Part of me seems to accept a quiet unremarkable just getting by life as a single 'old lady'. I find myself 'learning to live without'. No ambitions despite having two bachelor degrees and a postgraduate. It's as if the 'able' bit was taken out, depleted and not much left there than just enough to make a mum. No interest in men and it seems mutual. Has anyone gone/going through similar 'depletion', how did you restore/recover?

I’m so sorry you feel so down. I hope someone will be along soon who can offer some better guidance than me💐. I thought it might help you to know you’re not alone…I feel very ‘depleted’ also….know I need to find a way out the rut but am scrabbling against the cliff face thus far. I hope you find the ladder soon, pass it this way when you do💐

Eh?! You're only 35!! Thats really young! Dont waste your time by feeling old when you arent at all!
And you've got two degrees that's so impressive!!
I'm sorry you're feeling down at the moment and you've had some setbacks... but really you are in such a strong position.. well educated, financially independent, still quite young!!
Dont get down on yourself... you are not finished at all.
Honestly I'm the same age as you and my life has been an absolute circus, good, bad and crazy... you never know whats round the corner for you. You think its all gonna be the same forever but it never is... you are just having a brief lull, its been a hard couple of years and whats more its rendered everything kind of boring because its like we've all been grounded and lost a couple of years of life. Couple that with early motherhood, which whilst containing much joy can also be isolating and draining...Its not reality forever though.

You'll hit your 40s, your child/ren will be older and the next phase of your life will start

I can relate op.

I'm in my early forties and a lone parent to two young DC. Husband buggered off a few years back.

I adore my DC but I do sometimes wonder where the person who was me has gone. I feel lost career wise. I read about other single mums getting masters degrees, great jobs etc and I wonder how. I'm so tired once mine are on bed I can barely wash up let alone study.

I've tried dating but just can't get into it. I have no desire to let a man into my life again. I'm bisexual but dating women hasn't proved much easier tbh!

You are far from old though. 35 is so young. I hope things improve for both of us. We just need to hang on in there

So you have a 5 year-old? That’s still young. Can you try living for the moment for a bit, just enjoying the present and seeing what comes?

35 is really young. You have many options and opportunities ahead of you.

I'm late 50s and would kill to be 35 again. Don't waste it looking backwards.

It’s not over, nowhere near I promise!!

I’m a single mum, my children are 13 and almost 8, I’m going back to university in September to retrain completely. I’m 37.

Relationships? Well, the last one was abusive so that’s the last thing on my mind at the moment but I haven’t given up all hope.

Being a mum of a 5 year old is hard work, but it gets easier as they grow, you’ve achieved so much already take some time to figure out what it is you really want and make plans to get there, even if you take the long road. It isn’t over for you, promise.

Hi op, I'm 36 this month, I had a break up at 27 that was really messy and led to a lot of heartache, I ended up with someone when I was 29 which is one of the biggest regrets in my life as he took me for a mug and took everything from me, I had a good in London before I met him, earned around £60-£80k a year and lived life. I moved abroad with my ex and came home in September 2020 after getting stuck due to the lockdown. I reconnected with mynow husband December 2020 and we were married 11 months later, currently feeling on top of the world, we're trying for a baby, the only thing that's bothered me is my career, I've made a list of companies I want to work for and I've been applying like mad. You still have time!

At 35 I was a lone parent to a DD 6 and DS 5, working part time and struggling financially
Looking back that’s when things started to improve
I decided to lose weight, get fit, forget looking for love, did an evening college course and some volunteering to build up experience (not counselling but similar)
20+ years later - DC are adults - we have a fab relationship, I’ve found my niche work wise and am at the top of my career
I’ve had a few lovely men in my life although realised I value my independence too much to want to live with anyone or marry again
Most of all I have some great friends - currently on holiday in the sun with a couple of them
Hope this helps you feel more positive and that things start to improve for you soon

@Blinkingbatshit @CrumpetStrumpet thank you for sharing, glad we're not alone in this and that it can only get better from here. I'm told radical acceptance is the way to go.
@Katyrosebug can relate to so much of what you wrote, really happy how it's working out for you though madly looking for a job and trying for a baby seems very draining. Good luck!
@SophB15 well done for both new studies and leaving the abusive relationship, wishing you never have to be in one like that ever again. On the same path, it's hard to believe there might be normal men out there after the wrong one.
@Twobirdsinatree @KosherDill @GreyCarpet thank you for encouragement. Pray tell you are right and my 'Season 2' is yet to come
@JaceLancs well done you! What a positive story! I can relate to the independence and love of freedom. It's liberating not to look for love/man, and a little awkward at this stage for me (like who is going to send me flowers and do birthday surprises, give gifts etc).

@HelloKittyGirl doing just that, though it's not helping the bills and the pressure to provide/achieve is very present.

@KosherDill

35 is really young. You have many options and opportunities ahead of you.

I'm late 50s and would kill to be 35 again. Don't waste it looking backwards.

I agree. I'm 50 and would do anything to be 35 again - so much time to meet someone and share a life with them.

You are still young. Try to still have hope as you have plenty of time left, don't waste it.

Am 39, 4 years ago I got divorced due to domestic violence, a few years after being made redundant and having to take a lesser job. I'd always been incredibly motivated and successful, but suddenly I found myself in a job I hated, dealing with trauma, and utterly alone. I could see no way that it could get better, but incredibly, it did. I now have my dream job and am incredibly happy. Just be kind to yourself, keep fighting, and in time, it will come.

I'm 35, also struggling at the moment too. I'm facing the prospect of separating from my long-term relationship. No children. Have had lots of stress over the past two years. Also burnt out. Difficult relationship in recent times with emotional abuse. I am feeling lost. And like I have nothing left in the tank. I would one day like a family which seems so far away right now.

I don't really have any advice, and I know 35 is still young, but just to say I hear you and understand how you feel. I'm trying to reconnect with who I am - what inspires me? What do I want to look back on? What do I enjoy? But it is tough when you feel a bit 'done'.

It can feel hard to imagine being happy again right now but as everyone will tel you, you absolutely can and will. But you have to prioritise your needs and happiness, and embrace the present.

I love all the positive 'turnaround stories' - inspiring and reassuring.

I found the book 'the obstacle is the way' by Ryan Holiday useful - brings a modern stoic view to life about hardship.

@sortmyselfout

I'm 35, also struggling at the moment too. I'm facing the prospect of separating from my long-term relationship. No children. Have had lots of stress over the past two years. Also burnt out. Difficult relationship in recent times with emotional abuse. I am feeling lost. And like I have nothing left in the tank. I would one day like a family which seems so far away right now.

I don't really have any advice, and I know 35 is still young, but just to say I hear you and understand how you feel. I'm trying to reconnect with who I am - what inspires me? What do I want to look back on? What do I enjoy? But it is tough when you feel a bit 'done'.

It can feel hard to imagine being happy again right now but as everyone will tel you, you absolutely can and will. But you have to prioritise your needs and happiness, and embrace the present.

I love all the positive 'turnaround stories' - inspiring and reassuring.

I found the book 'the obstacle is the way' by Ryan Holiday useful - brings a modern stoic view to life about hardship.

@sortmyselfout

Op, have you considered freezing your eggs? Or even considering going down the solo parent route if you don't meet a suitable partner?

I'm a single mother by choice (IVF with a sperm donor) and was divorcee aged 36. I tried OLD for a few years, bar one person who was at a different stage of their life to me, the experience left me jaded, broken, disillusioned. Don't want to derail the thread, just to offer another perspective

Thank you @Anthurium for offering some insight and advice! Funny you mention that too as a friend of mine this week is going to freeze eggs and it got me thinking. I'm going to look in to it so that it could be an option. I have no experience of OLD and the thought slightly terrifies me! Currently still living with partner but separation is being planned/discussed for when the rent finishes in the next 4 months. All a bit daunting. Thank you again.

OP I'm trying to remind myself everyday that 35 is young and there are lots of great options and opportunities ahead, hopefully you can connect with this too might be worth thinking about if there is a positive change that would help you too

I feel you ❤️.

I'm 38 with a six year old daughter. I'd love to find a new partner. For myself I feel I have a lot of love to give and feel lonely at the moment (despite having lovely friends and having my mum around still etc) , but I'd also love step/siblings for my daughter. She has no cousins etc - basically me and ex are her only family. I've OLD but nothing vaguely suitable in 2 years (admittedly during Covid). I can't find a man who is sane, solvent and family oriented 🤷‍♀️.

I have a good job. Strangely when I was married it was quite fulfilling. Now, tbh, especially basically working permanently from home, I feel I see it more as a wage than a vocation. I've been thinking about retraining as a nurse or teacher, but both would be a financial step down plus a period of self funded training, and I don't feel justified / feel scared as I'm my daughters only wage earner obviously.

I've looked at fostering to try to build a larger family. But they seem to basically want you to have enough time to almost be a stay at home parent, which obviously doesn't work out with what they pay and the fact that I don't have a partner. I'm thinking about adopting but am so worried about being the only carer to another child and the only financial support for her as well.

I totally get the "little old lady" bit. I'm not even 40 but I look at my relatives in their 80s and feel like hanging my hat up like them and just saying "I'm done". I don't know what the answer is to this.

Very happy to chat if you want to direct message me.

@Anthurium what is OLD?
Probably wouldn't go the freezing route, one DD is plenty.
@sortmyselfout sorry to hear about relationship breakdown. Makes me think 35 is some kind of crisis age.
@almond123 can totally relate to wanting to retrain and not really being able to because of responsibility to provide. It helped to have hobbies (crafts to sell on Etsy, paint etc as supplementary income,or rather, for sanity).

OLD = Online Dating

Maybe on the plus side, being 35 and having a crisis moment with it helps to shake us in to action/make change.

There's always something that can be changed. Sometimes I find it helpful to imagine what my future (older) self would say to me to help give perspective. That might sound weird but it can help.

I'm 37, I am not single, I'm married but in an unhappy marriage. I have two kids under ten. I too feel like you. Im a sahm, I haven't worked for 8 years. I had one previous job prior which was in a call centre type place customer service on a low wage.
I have quite a few health problems, I'm very overweight, have no self confidence or self esteem. I have no hobbies or interests. My life is isolating and boring and I only have my kids to keep me sane.
It would be very hard for me to go back to work at the moment due to my health and my husband has different working hours each worse so this is basically it for me. I am essentially retired. But don't have any cash of my own or anything to do. I'm just existing. I could have another 40/50 years of this, and I have no motivation to change it

I met DH when I was 34, obese and had fertility problems. I'm now in my forties, married and have a daughter through ivf. Please don't give up yet to find what you want.

I do have to say that if I had seen DH online we'd never dated. On paper we just don't seem to have a lot in common but we do get on quite well. Totally different hobbies and interests but it still works out. We also both like space and have the same opinion on so many things. So give someone outside of your box a chance once in a while (unless there are red flags). Who knows?

In November I became a 38 year old single mother to a 2 and 5 year old

My ex partner has just come out of rehab for alcoholism.

I’m half way through 5 years retraining for a new career - that I wouldn’t have started on if I knew I would be the sole wage winner

Living on a hope and a pray. Can’t bare to see anything about the economy and costs of living rising

Everything feels so unstable and precarious. I have so many balls in the air and everything relies on me. I’m terrified what will happen if I drop one. Can sometimes feel hopeless and completely overwhelmed when I think about my situation but then on the flip side I can feel excited, invigorated, free and more myself than I have ever felt before.

It’s not how I pictured my life but that rule book has been ripped up it feels like anything could be possible (in both a good and a bad way 😬😄)

Having mulled over it, read in depth all the replies and gone over more literature on the subject I seem to have discovered a top secret tip! Turns out 35 is borderline between macroeconomic groups,so 18-34 is young, 35+ is not young and there's an awesome book describing the transition "How to get over being young" by Charlotte Bauer. The top tip from the book is to make F* IT LIST (as opposed to bucket list) and liberate yourself from outdated,emotionally heavy and otherwise irrelevant dreams and aspirations. So far, been an uplift. Hope it helps those who might still read this post.

Hi OP. I imagine that your situation must make you feel low at times but I would treat it as an opportunity to make some exciting changes.
I think the feelings you have described could be you grieving your previous life & the hopes you had for the future - and that is totally normal/expected. You are now moving into a different stage where you are beginning to question "is this it?" The answer is that no it doesn't have to be and you can now start to make exciting plans for you and your daughter. I would take some time to really think about the things that interest/excite you & start to plan how to do more of those. I would plan fun, memorable things to do with your daughter so that you both feed off each others energy/excitement when you are looking forward to these things. When my daughter was younger, we would sit with a stack of small coloured cards & write down all the things we wanted to do in the Easter/summer holidays. It could be cheap easy things like going to an ice cream parlour & the cinema or maybe a day at the coast with mini fish & chips. We would then map out which activities we could fit into each day.
From your perspective, I would sit and take stock of where you are now & where you want to be both personally & professionally. I would imagine how I want my life to look a year from now & I would start planning backwards from there. Set goals that excite & electrify you and that give a reason to get up in the morning. You may want to do some training to allow you to apply for different jobs, so break down that goal into steps of how you can achieve it.
I hope you feel better soon @Londonbabyland. You've potentially got an exciting future ahead of you. I think your last post sums things up really well. We need to stop doing the things that we think are expected of us & instead we should do what we actually want & what fulfills us. It's very freeing. Do let us know how you get on 😊

@Whatliesbeneath707
Thank you, how lovely to make those colour cards, to make and to cherish. Will give it a try. Perhaps much of the difficulty is funding 'me' in this experience and what that me wants and needs. There seem to be many conflicting 'me' or none familiar enough to be identified with, ambivalent, indifferent or even utterly lost. So part of the F* IT list is to stop looking for the right 'me' and just get on hoping things will make sense in time.