Fallen at the first hurdle FFS

[Mammyfool]

We planned for DH to move out 2 weeks ago following 3 unhappy years together. I then received a message from him requesting we try again, him declaring his love for me and told me he had booked relationship counselling. This was a massive step.

We went to relationship counselling and made SMART goals, agreed to use "I feel" statements and we both agreed that we would seek to empathise and understand each other.

Fast forward to tonight...
I have an autoimmune disorder and need enough sleep. Every Monday, he gets home at 11pm from doing his hobby in his father's workshop and every Monday, he wakes me up banging around, rustling keys, boiling the kettle, squeaky door handles. I then nod back off until he wakes me again after midnight coming to bed, where he tosses and turns, fidgets and keeps me awake a bit longer.

Then, because he's tired, he doesn't wake when the 3 year old comes in or asks me for a drink of water, or wets herself or has had a nightmare. So I'm awake again! Monday nights are bloody exhausting. Then I have to work and juggle kids and school runs and exercise myself to stay healthy. I really need my sleep.

So I've said to him tonight "I feel exhausted and frustrated that you wake me up several times after falling asleep on Mondays when you come home from doing your hobby." I then shared two compromises:
A) he comes home by 10pm OR
B) he stays at his Dads overnight and does his hobby as late as he likes. Then I see to the children in the morning and he can go straight off to work from his Dad's.

His responses:
"It's only once a week... you could tolerate it."
"So you're saying that I can never be out of the house after 11pm on week nights?"
"What if I had a season ticket and went to night matches? Because other people do that."
"But I live here too."
And my favourite...
"You aren't empathising with me or understanding me and my needs either."

I've walked out and I'm sat in a pool of tears. It just feels impossible. I have spent 2 years trying to shut him out to protect myself from his awkward ways and here we are again. There's so comprising with him at all.

Then he ends the conversation with "wait! I understand what you're saying, it's that you're tired on Mondays because you feel I wake you up... but..." I got up and walked out at this part.
What's the point?
The counsellor said there would be challenges but he's impossible and thinks that by saying "I understand what you're saying" then he's understanding.

Am I overreacting to just think "I give up."
Already?
I just don't know if I have the energy for this.

It sounds like you’re at the end of your tether. Can you try a trial separation? Having a couple of nights where the kids go and stay with him could give you back a couple of nights uninterrupted sleep per week. And then you can better assess where you stand on the rest of it.

I totally feel you on the sleep thing. XP and I ended up with separate beds next to each other, and I slept with ear plugs, as he was such a fidget and set multiple alarms etc Lack of sleep is a total killer.

Especially when you have a condition that makes you tired.

Why bother?

Genuine question.

He's a self-absorbed, selfish prick. End this nightmare and move on.

So he doesn't care but he does understand. Well isn't that great? Ask him what the point of him is. Ask him to tell you why you would want to be in a relationship with him.

We had a trial separation this time last year, which was a bit of a slog due to the children. My then 2 year old was sleeping dreadfully and her behaviour was quite challenging also. Nothing major but it was constant meltdowns, so he came home after 12 weeks, as I decided the time wasn't right. He's very hands on in the home and with the children. At the time, he was staying with a friend so couldn't have the children overnight more than once a week hence the difficulty. We have since arrange that he will move in with his Dad, which makes it easier. The children will stay with him 2 nights a week and go there for dinner one night. He is also going to put the children to bed at my house on the night they go for dinner.

The toddler's behaviour is much better now and sleep has improved a lot despite 1-2 night wakings most nights so it felt like the right time to persue the separation. 2 weeks ago.

But I agree, he's basically saying that he understands but he doesn't particularly care. This happens with things related to his hobby. In the past it has been debates around it impacting my work commitments and sadly, debates around him not going to do his hobby on my birthday when he wanted to use me for solo weekend childcare and requested I celebrate my birthday on a different day.

I thought that we would be past the selfish hobby thing, but it's clearly rearing it's head again and I just have no desire or energy to keep going round and round in circles with him as is usually the case. I have no tolerance for trying to convince someone to care about my needs anymore.

The long game will be to sell the house and separate the equity to buy 2 separate houses, so he will stay with his Dad temporarily.

He really doesn't want to leave the house though and I think this is why he stays.

I actually don't think you can blame him for this but I'm sure it's the top of a long frustrating list of things. You must be a very light sleeper if these things all wake you up, I wouldn't know if my husband left the house and came back while I'm asleep! Maybe try wearing ear plugs on a Monday so you don't get disturbed? If this is just the tip of the iceberg then you've got bigger fish to fry.

He might not want to leave but he bloody well needs to!

It's a waste of time op. He's telling you clearly that he doesn't care. Even worse he's now weaponsing counselling speak against you

I'd knock the counselling on the head. It's a waste of time and money. Then I'd knock him on the head (nor literally)

I think you know the marriage is dead. Yeah he understands. He just doesn’t care.

And of course he doesn’t want to leave! He has all the trappings of family life which is generally rather fab for men. Well, tough. Tell him it’s over and either use the counsellor to achieve a good separation. Or just see a solicitor and plan a brighter future. Your dc are young and will be fine. Go for it

Thank you.
I've emailed our counsellor for further advice and support around this. She has been my counsellor also for 2 years so she understands the situation. She has also seen DH on his own to balance out any preconceptions prior to joint counselling.

I feel gutted today.
And angry with myself for putting myself in a vulnerable position where he could swoop in and hurt me by declaring his no-care for me. I have been protecting myself from this sort of thing for a long time.

OP, you've said he has declared his love for you, but do you love him? If you don't, and you don't think that you will again then there is no point carrying on.
As far as falling at the first hurdle well it does happen, he's not going to change overnight. It takes a long time to amend your natural responses, defensiveness etc, and to learn to break bad habits and communicate effectively after being in a toxic pattern. My partner and I decided to start to mend a ruined relationship, and 2 years down the line we still get things wrong, but our relationship is better and stronger than ever because we have both learn to adjust our thinking and responses (most if the time! ) . It was hard work but totally worth it. It does sound though that you've really lost the will to try, and that you don't really want this.... Which is TOTALLY understandable, if you've had enough, you've had enough, there is no shame in that.

I feel depleted.
But I do want it to work out.
The thought if being a single mum fills me with dread. I've tried to work on my worries about being a single parent. There are lots of single parents who I respect and admire. I just didn't envision my future that way.

When he's open and makes himself more vulnerable instead of arrogant, I feel a lot of warmth towards him that could easily be nurtured into love. But the competitive, careless, tit for tat mentality is soul destroying. I know it sounds dramatic but it is how I feel.

I can't just "be" you know?
I can't just "be tired and need more rest" I have to be like everyone else who in his mind, doesn't need much sleep.
I can't be offended or upset or feel devalued, because in his mind I shouldn't be.
I just want to "be" and I'm tired of having to justify it.

I would not be having joint counselling with someone who is also seeing you both separately. This sounds nonsensical

His love for you is pretty words, but not much doing is it? He's selfish. No thanks to this

Can this be resolved by separate sleeping arrangements? A sofa bed for him on the nights he goes out? I hear you on the slamming and noisiness and getting woken from a nice sleep. I don't think you are a light sleeper. I think you are in a routine and he's disturbing it and if you have a health issue, then rest is absolutely vital. It is for everyone, but especially so for anything that is draining you in addition to children, work and everyday life. I could never sleep in the same bed as my ex. Sex life was great, but he snored, snarled, coughed, thrashed. He also slammed doors when he got up, coughed and coughed some more, slammed stuff around in the kitchen. No attempt to be considerate. If I made a noise when he was on night shift, he accused me of "banging around like a child". Double standards when it affected him. I wouldn't suggest you give him a taste of his own medicine, but maybe that would make him realise that undisturbed rest is vital, not optional.

If you really don't think you love him anymore though, better to separate?

Show him this:

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/women-need-more-sleep-because-of-their-complex-brains-research-suggests-a6925266.html

Oh and remind him that periods, heavy bleeding, will also take it out of us.

My ex was mean about the snoring and told me I should get used to it, like his first ex wife did. She booted him out and divorced him though, lol, so clearly she had had enough ... and not just of the night disturbances! Sleep really is sacred, we cannot function without it and if sleep deprived for long enough, will get impaired immunity, heart problems, obesity, depression, make poor decisions, have accidents, and ultimately, it can lead to premature death. He sounds quite ignorant actually. It would piss me off if he just expected me to be like everyone else. Humans are not that simple. Not even wanting to reach a compromise is a massive sign of immaturity and a lack of emotional intelligence.

In the future, when other issue crop up, as they inevitably will, how will he handle them? Will he show the same kind of immaturity, ignorance and unwillingness to adapt and compromise? Was he like this before marriage? They do say you never really know someone until you live with them.

If someone was telling me how I ought to feel/respond to something , that would be it for me. It shows he doesn't see you as a separate, equal person whose feelings and wishes are as valid as his. He sees you as filling a role, and believes he is absolutely entitled, when he belives you are "playing your role wrong" eg by hating being woken up, to "correct" you. He doesn't think you have a right to feel how you feel.

Unless he can recognise and change that, I am not sure there is a lot of point to teying to "make it work".

If you’ve had counselling alone for two years it’s inappropriate of your counsellor to provide couple’s counselling now: she should have referred you to someone else for that. She has shown poor judgment so wouldn’t be continuing with her services!

As regards the relationship, sounds like you want out.

Sorry but I don’t agree with the majority of people here!

The guy is doing nothing wrong!!! I don’t see why he should go to bed the same time as you every night just so you can get your sleep - I’m assuming most of the time he does as he is told so that he doesn’t upset your routine?

My dh snores every single night should I leave him?!? Hardly

If this was AIBU I'd say YABU

As others have mentioned, any alternative solutions such as another place for him to sleep? Earplugs?

@Quitelikeit

Sorry but I don’t agree with the majority of people here!

The guy is doing nothing wrong!!! I don’t see why he should go to bed the same time as you every night just so you can get your sleep - I’m assuming most of the time he does as he is told so that he doesn’t upset your routine?

My dh snores every single night should I leave him?!? Hardly

Did you miss the part where the OP has an auto-immune disorder and needs a minimum amount of sleep for them? If they don't get the required amount of sleep it triggers their auto-immune disorder.

The OP isn't even saying that he has to go to bed at the same time as her, just that he does it quietly and doesn't disturb her while she sleeps. That's not outside the realms of possibility to do, you know that, right?

Just as the OP's partner has said "It's only once a week... you could tolerate it"....well, similarly, he could tolerate going to stay with his Dad once a week too, right?

Just as the OP's partner has said "So you're saying that I can never be out of the house after 11pm on week nights?"....the OP isn't saying that at all. The OP's partner could return to the home quietly and be quiet and not thrash around when they get in because 11pm on a week night is usually when kids and some parents are in bed trying to sleep to prepare for the day ahead. Or even still if the OP's partner wants to go out, the OP has come up with perfectly workable workarounds to the situation but these are not acceptable to her partner it seems.

Should you leave your DH because he snores? I'd go with no, but it depends on how loudly he snores, how frequently, if he's done anything to alleviate his snoring in the past etc. If he hasn't done anything to ease the pain/discomfort/lack of sleep that he causes you, then I might reconsider changing that no to a yes.

The OP needs to do what is best for her. Her partner should support her in this, not be a royal pain the behind!

I’m not sure he is doing too much wrong but it sounds to me like you don’t love him anymore so his faults are amplified. You are staying with him for the wrong reasons.

Having said that I don’t know why he couldn’t just accept your solution to stay at his dads that night.

"The guy is doing nothing wrong!!! I don’t see why he should go to bed the same time as you every night just so you can get your sleep -"
@quitelikeit
No expectations for him to go to bed at the same time as me.
Read the thread again.🤔🙄

He's told me now that he's not agreeing to things he disagrees with, hence last night's argument.

How can you possibly disagree with someone needing adequate rest?

Jesus wept.