Fallen at the first hurdle FFS

[Mammyfool]

We planned for DH to move out 2 weeks ago following 3 unhappy years together. I then received a message from him requesting we try again, him declaring his love for me and told me he had booked relationship counselling. This was a massive step.

We went to relationship counselling and made SMART goals, agreed to use "I feel" statements and we both agreed that we would seek to empathise and understand each other.

Fast forward to tonight...
I have an autoimmune disorder and need enough sleep. Every Monday, he gets home at 11pm from doing his hobby in his father's workshop and every Monday, he wakes me up banging around, rustling keys, boiling the kettle, squeaky door handles. I then nod back off until he wakes me again after midnight coming to bed, where he tosses and turns, fidgets and keeps me awake a bit longer.

Then, because he's tired, he doesn't wake when the 3 year old comes in or asks me for a drink of water, or wets herself or has had a nightmare. So I'm awake again! Monday nights are bloody exhausting. Then I have to work and juggle kids and school runs and exercise myself to stay healthy. I really need my sleep.

So I've said to him tonight "I feel exhausted and frustrated that you wake me up several times after falling asleep on Mondays when you come home from doing your hobby." I then shared two compromises:
A) he comes home by 10pm OR
B) he stays at his Dads overnight and does his hobby as late as he likes. Then I see to the children in the morning and he can go straight off to work from his Dad's.

His responses:
"It's only once a week... you could tolerate it."
"So you're saying that I can never be out of the house after 11pm on week nights?"
"What if I had a season ticket and went to night matches? Because other people do that."
"But I live here too."
And my favourite...
"You aren't empathising with me or understanding me and my needs either."

I've walked out and I'm sat in a pool of tears. It just feels impossible. I have spent 2 years trying to shut him out to protect myself from his awkward ways and here we are again. There's so comprising with him at all.

Then he ends the conversation with "wait! I understand what you're saying, it's that you're tired on Mondays because you feel I wake you up... but..." I got up and walked out at this part.
What's the point?
The counsellor said there would be challenges but he's impossible and thinks that by saying "I understand what you're saying" then he's understanding.

Am I overreacting to just think "I give up."
Already?
I just don't know if I have the energy for this.

Do you have spare room he or you could use on Monday’s ?

I totally see where you are coming from - it’s all about his wants and needs. Understanding you and what you are saying is great - but it doesn’t take a genius to follow what you are saying - you are putting boundaries for your own physical well being and sell well he doesn’t give a flying fuck does it?

My ex did a hobby - up at 5 am on a Saturday after I had been woken up several times and with a baby and night feed - bang bang bang - baby awake and screaming and he would spend an hour getting ready - bugger off at 6 am (and he went to bed at 9 pm the previous evening leaving me to do all the parenting and feeding during the night - sleeping through a screaming baby) then he would appear at 11 am refreshed from his me and hobby time but physically tired - he would have a shower, long lunch and then want to chill. Meanwhile I haven’t slept and felt like I was in a fog.

Do you work?

You don’t need to be a light sleeper to wake up when someone is banging around particularly with potentially light sleepers.

In this case what are you scared of single parent wise?

Week on and week off - at least you can sleep. At least it will be a child waking you up - not an adult would wants to stay out late despite the fact he has an ill wife who needs rest. You get far more sleep as a single parent

Your personal therapist should not also be your couples counsellor. They should know that wtf?

I personally think the him staying at his dad's is a workable option so not sure why he is so against it.

To be honest it sounds like you are over him and the marriage. Do you feel you are?

Whilst I have every sympathy for OPs lack of sleep I think it's pretty rubbish to expect someone to be in and quiet every night by 10 or whatever. I really can't see anything wrong with his behaviour in this instance, it's really not a big deal. However if you're that unhappy, go. You don't sound at all suited if something like this spells the end of a marriage.

To me this reads as you are not compatible rather than him being a dick. You are a light sleeper and have an understandable need for a good amount of rest and sleep. He wants to do an activity/live his life and sometimes that means regularly coming home late. You wake as a result. That’s not really his fault or yours, it’s just a fact of your lives. I personally wouldn’t be willing to stop an activity I love because my husband wants me home by 10.30 every night/is a light sleeper/needs extra rest, unless it was a short term thing. That would make us just not work as a couple. I understand he’s not being sensitive and changing to meet your needs, and that sucks, but you don’t entirely sound like you’re hearing what he needs either. I don’t think that makes him a terrible person (or you, for that matter); it makes him not the right person for you. The relationship isn’t going to work so in your position I’d end things. Yes it will hurt him and you as there’s clearly still something there, but it’s not working for either of you.

@Squeezyhug

Do you have spare room he or you could use on Monday’s ?

Did you miss the part in the OP's posts where she said that her DH and his Dad do this activity on a Monday and he could stay at his father's house instead but her DH doesn't want to do that? The OP would then look after the kids on the Tuesday morning and do all of the morning routine while her DH could head straight to work from his Dad's place instead?

I actually think your expectations are too high following MC given you've only just started. It takes months to be able to successfully navigate these new approaches if you're used to toxic patterns. Also agree re conflict of interest from your therapist.

How can you possibly disagree with someone needing adequate rest?

^ after two years of individual therapy can you recognise you are so deep in the weeds that this isn't about a disagreement over adequate rest. The argument is a symptom of how you handle different needs and how you communicate.

@Quitelikeit I agree. Imagine if a women went out to do her hobby and was told 'be home by 10 or you can't come home!' 😂😂😂

I can't just "be" you know?
I can't just "be tired and need more rest" I have to be like everyone else who in his mind, doesn't need much sleep.
I can't be offended or upset or feel devalued, because in his mind I shouldn't be.
I just want to "be" and I'm tired of having to justify it

I'm didn't agree with your stance for him waking you up but I think you have explained in your later post this is a pattern of behaviour. Having to suppress your feelings consistently can lead to physical ailments and many people with auto immune conditions believe it all started after a period of high stress.

Do you feel you have to "perform" or operate at a level that suits him?

I am going to assume that your auto-immune symptoms get worse with lack of sleep am I right? A disturbed night means you are not just tired but have flare ups.

He has the option to sleep at his Dad's. But for some reason won't. You can also throw back the it is one night a week for him too, where he could for the sake of your sleep, physical wellness and mental health sleep at his Dad's. He is selfish. I would ask him why he won't do that for you. He is already at his Dad's he doesn't even need to travel there.