I think I've killed my marriage and its broken me.

[ITSupport]

Been together with DH for 11 years, married for 8. We never argue and generally get on really well but over the time have had four major rows - all connected to the fact I'm a drunk.

The final straw was when I came home from a weekend away with my mate. I was plastered. I can't remember but I yelled a lot of nasty things at him. How the house was mine, I'd paid for it, he was nothing, I could go find someone else anytime I wanted. And lots of other stuff related to that. I remember nothing until I woke up in a hotel room having checked myself in.

Yesterday morning he wanted out. He's then gives some degree of indication of being willing to work it out. Is coming to an AA meeting with me.

Then he says I've destroyed everything we had (and what we had was great) and he doesn't want to be with me, or near me, and he wants a divorce because even if we stay together he'll never trust me again and he doesn't want to be married to me.

I'm posting this on the alcohol board as well.

I don't even know why I just need to get it off my chest.

Do you want to stop drinking?

@nosnogginginthekitchen

Yes I do

Back off from the relationship. Tell him you love him and you take full responsibility for your drinking and your behaviour from now on. Apologise, but not over and over. Tell him you're truly sorry, and you're going to do everything you can to sort out your drinking, and you will stay away from him until you're sure you won't repeat what you did.

Taking responsibility fucking hurts. Realising that and doing it anyway is the only way forward here.

And find out if you truely resent him (as the saying goes - children, fools and drunks tell the truth).

Pretty much what's been said above. One genuine, heartfelt apology, then let your actions speak. Give up the drinking, mean it, fix whatever it is that leads you to drink so much.

Would you want to be with someone who says those things to you and treats you the way you treat him when you're drunk? He clearly cares about you and wants to help you get help but I don't blame him for not wanting a future with you when this is what his future will look like. I hope you get help

It looks as though he has hit rock bottom and just can't do it any more. Show him some respect and let him go. If this is your rock bottom, then get to AA and to your GP and ask for help.

He'll be a lot better off without being married to an abusive alcoholic.

Aw crap, well if you do want to get sober I suggest that is what you do. There is only so much that words can do and it isn't a lot.

An awful lot of marriages do seem to survive if the alcoholic genuinely seeks help. Just going by what I heard in AA anyway.

You can't talk to him like that though. And he doesn't have to put up with it. I know when I lashed out at my DP it was my own insecurity/ demons and nothing at all to do with him. Still didn't make it nice for him. He has stuck by me though.

It isn't easy but I can promise you one thing it does get better. Putting down the drink is often the easy part - as unbelievable as that sounds - it is letting those parts of you that you want to drown out finally be heard that is the hard part. Facing up to what is making you drink. There seems to always be something, from the outright horror of growing up in childhood abuse, to something I hear a lot drinking initially for confidence/ self esteem.

Only you can change you though. And be prepared it will take a long long time and possibly never, for him to trust you again.

Get to a meeting AA is really full of fantastic supportive people.

Let him go. He's suffered enough.

* I was plastered. I can't remember but I yelled a lot of nasty things at him. How the house was mine, I'd paid for it, he was nothing, I could go find someone else anytime I wanted. And lots of other stuff related to that. I remember nothing until I woke up in a hotel room having checked myself in.*

^This is unforgivable and abusive.

I echo pp. If you truly want to stop drinking (for good) then apologise and walk away and sort yourself out. If you succeed you may be able to reclaim your marriage (if he is willing to wait, and if the love hasn't already gone).

If you don't want to stop / if you want to stop just long enough to convince him to stay / if you want to stop for a while and imagine yourself being able to drink again in the future - then please let him go. I've been in your DH's shoes and it is a scary, frustrating place to be.

I know it isn't easy in your shoes either, but you can decide you're going to change whereas he doesn't have that control, so the only thing he can do is walk when he's had enough.

I really hope you want to give up. Please seek all the professional help you can to give you the best possible chance of success.

OP, you have to stop drinking because you want to. Not because you want to save your marriage, not because you want your DH back, none of those reasons are good enough. You have to stop for you, and for you only, even if your DH walks away for good stopping has to be what you want, for yourself.

So what have you done since yesterday to quit? Seen the GP? Looked at support? Contacted a professional?

As for your DH, he’s right to walk away. If it was someone I knew I would tell them to head for the hills and never look back. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. Your behaviour was and is abusive, and frankly drunks are just unpleasant people to be around.

The only way you can expect to have a normal life is to quit the drink. Do you have children? Presumably they will be better off with your DH for now.

Try reading Alan Carr’s book on giving up alcohol, it honestly makes it easy I found . I haven’t drunk since Aug except for one glass at Christmas I could have taken or left as didn’t enjoy it as much any more.
You can find it for free on you tube as an audio too but I preferred reading it. It’s not a literary masterpiece which is a bit off putting (I studied literature ) but it really works.

Also I’m so sorry you’re having this tough time and hope you can show you can change and recover it x

I left my dh because he was an alcoholic. He'd come home after an evening at the pub, collapse on the floor and wet himself. If he managed to get up to the bedroom he'd wet the bed. No way could I ever live with a drunk again. He died at the age of 59 from a heart attack. Turn your life around OP before it's too late

Op, I just want to wish you well.
My boyfriend is now sober 4 years, he's like a different person. He was drinking about 150 cans a week, I don't know how he's still alive.

My advice would be to have support in place for when you do stop drinking.

Wish you the very best x

You need to deal with your alcoholism. You need to be proactive. Attend the meeting.

Dont expect anything from him. He is distancing himself from the person who abuses him, and he deserves that.

I don’t think I could ever forgive what you said.

The only thing you can do is split up and work on yourself.
You have put him through a lot and it’s only fair you move out and let him have some space whilst you sort yourself out.

Go to AA meetings and tell him you want to prove you are worthy of him and you want to be sober for 12 months before asking for him back.

Sorry to hear you are going through all of this. You have to want to stop for yourself and make the first changes and start going to meetings, get therapy, also you can get medication that makes you very ill if you drink not sure what it is called. Seen a lot of alcohol growing up and it destroys families, relationships etc and not just of those that are drinking. Do you have children? Please stop if you do as it will destroy them and their future lives. You can do this if you really want to but you will need something else to fill the void. Take up exercise or hobby. Wishing you all the best but also very difficult for your partner/husband living with this and only so much he can take as he must be devastated and had enough but he also loves you and knows what you are like without alcohol. You will have to change your whole life and not put yourself in situations where there is alcohol. Had a family member who drank lots and when they stopped were so much happier but always resorted back to it when under stress so that is the real test. Really really hope you can make changes for yourself and if there are any demons in your past talk through with someone as usually a reason why people use alcohol to block out things and some develop the addiction and others don't.

You want to stop so you can.
Go to an AA meeting every day and make use of your sponsor, they will understand.
Accept that you can't change things that happened in the past.
Be selfish. You can't prioritise your marriage right now. It might be possible to live as room mates or he may want to move out, it's not just up to you.
Think about changing your circle of friends
Be kind to yourself. You don't have to wear a hair shirt for the rest of your life
Live one day at a time

It sucks having a drinking problem. Like sucks. And no..you don’t always say “what you really mean” when you’re drunk. One or two glasses too many might get someone to slip so thing they otherwise wouldn’t. But that’s just not the case when you have an actual problem with drink. Sometimes its almost like you split with yourself. And you genuinely wake up feeling like someone else took over your body for those hours. Of course, no one else should have to be on the receiving end so maybe going away to rehab or something would allow you to get clear without your husband taking any more of your slip ups.

OP be honest with yourself - make a list of all the things that have ever disappointed you/people that have hurt you/negative things you believe about yourself. Then circle the ones you know deep down impact you the most. Also, next, track back to when your drink problem started. Again be honest. Try and get down to the truth of why you drink. What are you avoiding thinking about? Or trying to forget/move on from? Deal with these things. Like actually deal with them. Hugs

@MadForBurpees

Whereas you sound like an angel...