I think I've killed my marriage and its broken me.

[ITSupport]

Been together with DH for 11 years, married for 8. We never argue and generally get on really well but over the time have had four major rows - all connected to the fact I'm a drunk.

The final straw was when I came home from a weekend away with my mate. I was plastered. I can't remember but I yelled a lot of nasty things at him. How the house was mine, I'd paid for it, he was nothing, I could go find someone else anytime I wanted. And lots of other stuff related to that. I remember nothing until I woke up in a hotel room having checked myself in.

Yesterday morning he wanted out. He's then gives some degree of indication of being willing to work it out. Is coming to an AA meeting with me.

Then he says I've destroyed everything we had (and what we had was great) and he doesn't want to be with me, or near me, and he wants a divorce because even if we stay together he'll never trust me again and he doesn't want to be married to me.

I'm posting this on the alcohol board as well.

I don't even know why I just need to get it off my chest.

OP my husband is an alcoholic and it almost broke our relationship. He finally owned up to everything last August (he hid a lot of his drinking, I was in the dark about what was behind his behaviour). It has been a really long 8 months but we are in a good place. We have had marriage counselling and he has been attending meetings through local services.

Do you believe you are an alcoholic? I think you need to attend meetings yourself because you want to. Marriage counselling has been so helpful for us as it has helped us work on our communication which had become quite toxic. It also helped me to recognise when I was trying to control his behaviour as I was trying to fix his behaviour. Your husband might benefit from Al-Anon as a way to meet other relatives who are trying to manage life with an alcoholic.

If you do recognise you are an alcoholic and want to get help I would also recommend speaking to your GP who can get you referred to local services. They have really created a wrap round service for my husband, connecting him with a key worker and local support groups.

My husband has had a few lapses but I have supported him as things have gotten overwhelming better compared to how things were previously. He has started meds to manage cravings which have really helped. There is a long road ahead of us of healing and getting the trust back but we are committed.

Alcoholism is an illness, your husband needs to decide if he will support you through this and you need to decide if you want to get better. I wish you all the luck

Your going to have to show your DH that you mean what you say. You need to independently seek support, you need to leave him out of your choices as the addiction is yours.

You may to get this off your chest but you need to start focussing on your alcohol abuse

you also must have some deep rooted issues to descend into alcoholism if your relationship was so good. There is always a trigger

AA isn't the only show in town to tackle addiction, but whatever mode you use, it has to be for you. If you manage to save your marriage that's a happy accident, but it can't be your why. You have to be your why.

My friend is married to an alcoholic he became her cater when she was in her 50s.

Osteoporosis has meant shattered broken legs, she's skeletal, chain smokes. It's a waste of his life as well as hers. He's ended up retiring to look after her and is pretty miserable but doesn't feel he can leave.

Yes she had horrid a childhood but she refuses anti depressants and therapy.

I think the fact that you're feeling like a victim of circumstance here is key, really. Feeling like a victim is at the heart of alcoholism. You're not a victim, @ITSupport. You're just as responsible for your behaviour and the shape of your life and relationships as the rest of us. We could all do what you've done.

Take responsibility. You're not the poor victim of what's happened here. You made it happen. Everybody fucks up. Accept that you fucked up, and that your life can go forward, from this second, in any direction at all that you choose. You don't have to keep on with the 'I am broken by this!' rhetoric. You could move into 'This is my life, and I'm in charge' territory, right now.

It's up to you.

You're an abusive alcoholic, no wonder he's not enamoured with your behaviour. No wonder he doesn't trust you if you say you can have anyone, really!
Give him space, get yourself sorted out and then maybe you can slowly rebuild your relationship if he wishes to.

@AnotherSillawithanS
Fair dues to your boyfriend to be able to recover from that,that must have been awful for you but you obviously gave great support and you must have helped him save his life

I feel sorry for the people living with an alcoholic but I as feel just as sorry for the alcoholic themselves as it really is an awful illness,they must feel so bad all the time

Good luck OP, do try really hard to stop and accept all the help you can get. Saddest day of my life losing my best friend at 52. She started at 21 because her fiance jilted her at the altar.

@recoveringyoungalco

Aw crap, well if you do want to get sober I suggest that is what you do. There is only so much that words can do and it isn't a lot.

An awful lot of marriages do seem to survive if the alcoholic genuinely seeks help. Just going by what I heard in AA anyway.

You can't talk to him like that though. And he doesn't have to put up with it. I know when I lashed out at my DP it was my own insecurity/ demons and nothing at all to do with him. Still didn't make it nice for him. He has stuck by me though.

It isn't easy but I can promise you one thing it does get better. Putting down the drink is often the easy part - as unbelievable as that sounds - it is letting those parts of you that you want to drown out finally be heard that is the hard part. Facing up to what is making you drink. There seems to always be something, from the outright horror of growing up in childhood abuse, to something I hear a lot drinking initially for confidence/ self esteem.

Only you can change you though. And be prepared it will take a long long time and possibly never, for him to trust you again.

Get to a meeting AA is really full of fantastic supportive people.

That's, beautiful.

AA isn't the only route to stopping drinking, look up your local drug & alcohol service, they are usually run by the council.

You need to stop drinking before you lose every relationship in your life.

Some of the nicest people I know are alcoholics....until they drink and it all goes out the window.

It's probably too late to salvage this relationship but if you don't address the problem, ever relationship you have will end up the same ending.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. You must be in terrible pain.

You can't make him forgive you. You can only help yourself. Go to AA, read the books, put down the booze.

He might come back or he might not, but you'll be happier knowing you'll never make a drunken mistake again.

Hi op. Try the alcohol experiment. It is amazing. 30 days of going alcohol free. They make it so easy because they explain everything. The psychology, the dopamine, the behaviour. The alcohol, society etc. It is absolutely non judgemental, in fact the opposite. It also very clearly explains how anyone can become addicted to alcohol so not to beat yourself up. It isn't your fault.

learn.thisnakedmind.com/the-alcohol-experiment-registration

Why do you want to stop drinking? Is it to keep your marriage together or because you actually want to stop drinking, and address the things that are your triggers with drinking?

If it’s the former, then it won’t work. You have to want to quit for yourself. And you have to stick with it etc etc etc, I’m sure you know that though.

It’s always interesting reading posts like this from the POV of an alcoholic - it’s nice knowing that they care (in my experience, the only thing they cared about was their drink).

I’m on the other side though: I was married to an abusive alcoholic (NB he wasn’t an alcoholic when we dated/got married). I managed about 6yrs, and tried everything (and I mean everything) to try and help
him to quit. It didn’t work, because deep down, he didn’t really want to quit. It was absolute hell, and it destroyed our family and our marriage (I used to keep an escape bag in my car, in case I needed to grab to kids and run)…and even now, to this day, I will start to shake if I hear/see a drunk person, and I flinch if I hear shouting. I filed for divorce.

Nothing would please me more to see that my ex has quit the alcohol (and drugs), but I doubt that will ever happen.

If you really want to stop drinking, then do it: get the help you need and prove to yourself, you DH, the world that you actually mean it.and stick with it. And take responsibility for what has happened before etc with respect to your drinking. i really wish you all the very best.

*”prove to yourself, your DH and the world”

@Hollywolly1 aw, thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot. I have given him lots of support but to be fair to him he's done it himself. We went to the doctor, they put him on librium I think it was for seven days, after that he just went cold turkey. I don't know how he did it. I remember leaving the doctors and walking up the road, he said to me I'm going to do this for you and the kids, I said you do it for yourself and that's good enough for me.

I will say that the reason he drank was because of a shitty childhood and he's having to deal with that now that the alcohol isn't masking his feelings.

Nobody that knew him could believe he stopped drinking.

I hope you get the help you need and deserve op. No judgement from me x

Please ask your GP for a referral to help. No one is born drinking too much alcohol and it doesn't happen overnight either. You need people who can help you.

In the meanwhile, if you can reflect back on when your drinking really picked up (I'm assuming you might have been the type to enjoy an evening drink, to begin with, and it's grown from there) that might help you start to heal.

Do you suffer from pain? Do you live/work somewhere that you really do not like? Are you missing someone?

Please arm yourself with professionals who can help you through this. As an aside, by taking steps to resolve your over drinking, DH might just see he needs to be part of the process with you.

make your appointments, be kind to yourself for the next few days, and if DH and you cross paths, let him know you are seeking help.

big hugs xxx

How are you going @ITSupport ?

Actions and respectful behaviour. Remorse and apology. 1# Accountability. Listen to what he says. Respect his wishes. Recover yourself. When he sees and believes change he might be willing to reconsider. It will take time and rightly so. You can't demand that he forgives you instantly and everything returns to normal.

Is this the first time. Have there been many occasions like this? If everything was fine as you say it was why are you using alcohol to self medicate? Talk to your GP and get some support and talking therapy. You need an ally you trust to help you when you are feeling weak. Good luck OP