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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's done with me isn't he?

53 replies

Nomorepastry · 07/03/2022 21:01

Been in a relationship for 6 years, I'm mid 20s he's mid 30s. Everything is on his terms so no marriage, living together or kids because that's what he chose. At the start we agreed max. 4 years for marriage but he always said he's not ready yet. He's unemployed and I'm on disability for a mental disability although I've applied for 75 jobs since Christmas and no luck hearing back from any of them.

Recently he's been pretty nasty, I question why he's so distant and cold and I get a text back saying something along the lines of "leave me already then". The thing is I don't even have to physically leave, we share absolutely nothing but it's breaking me the thought of being alone when everyone my age have settled. Atleast one person in our old friend group a month are announcing pregnancy or marriage and as much as I hate to say it it's making me feel pretty suicidal. Last year we fell pregnant because I was trying to find a pill that worked as previously had several month long bleeding from the other 4 I've tried. So we were still finding one that's suitable for me as I have a few problems with my hormones and PCOS. But he didn't care as long as he got what he wanted it was okay. My mum wants me to get my tubes tied but I don't feel ready for that decision as I know I want kids one day I just don't know how as I don't have the best of luck in relationships or life in general. I was pushed to terminate because I already had a son when I was 16 (different man) who was later on adopted and I couldn't cope with that happening again since I'm in the same place as where I was then. He was nice for a few days after but started being all cold and distant again. I'm lucky to get a text once a day, and if I tried to call he'd get angry because he'll be sitting inside with his dad and thinks I only want to call to cause drama. As far as I'm aware I'm simply not enough for him but he won't say it. I just wish I could just let go mentally, but I haven't got any friends and I only have my mum and grandparents who aren't the most supportive characters. So he was all I had. I'm guessing I need to listen to his silence and realise he's over and just waiting for me to go away and leave him alone.

Sorry for the rant I've been crying for 2 days straight and seriously feel like I might as well give up on my life since I will never get anywhere

OP posts:

Tamworth123 · 07/03/2022 21:07

No offence but your peer group must ve really quite young settlers if theyre getting married and having kids mid 20s.

The avg age for women having their first child is bow around 30 i think, and my antenatal class only had one woman under 30 (most were mid 30s).

What I'm saying is you're v young and have years to get married or settle and have kids.
You don't need to climb onto this guy who doesnt sound nice, open to commitment, and doesn't even have a job to provide for a family.

Tamworth123 · 07/03/2022 21:07

*cling onto

Imsittinginthekitchensink · 07/03/2022 21:07

He sounds repellent. Have your cry, dry your eyes, dump the twat, block him and move on.

bluedodecagon · 07/03/2022 21:09

Okay, he sounds horrible but let’s forget about him for a second. It sounds like your life isn’t going the way you want it to. The good thing about that is you are extremely young. Seriously. You have tons of time.

If you want a child, a life, a job, a home - you can have all that. Forget about him. Can you say more about what kind of jobs you are applying for? Maybe someone on mumsnet can help look at your CV or give advice.

Yes, he’s a loser blah blah blah but honestly he’s irrelevant. You’re sticking with him because you feel lonely and like you have no other options. So I think it’s more important to think about changing your life and improving your options than worrying about this guy.

Original poster

Nomorepastry · 07/03/2022 21:10

@Tamworth123

No offence but your peer group must ve really quite young settlers if theyre getting married and having kids mid 20s.

The avg age for women having their first child is bow around 30 i think, and my antenatal class only had one woman under 30 (most were mid 30s).

They weren't in the same age group as me, youngest around 26 to 34yrs old, I personally don't know many people in my own age group.

OP posts:

Tamworth123 · 07/03/2022 21:10

It sounds like you need to make friends and acquaintances so your partner (even if they're a better one than him).isn't all you have.

What would you like to try hobby/interest/sport/activity wise?what would you like to learn? Are there courses you could do? Most courses in non private colleges have seriously subsidised rates for ppl who are unemployed.

There's a huge world of people and things and experiences out there, and you're in your youth, and prime of your life.

Tamworth123 · 07/03/2022 21:12

They weren't in the same age group as me, youngest around 26 to 34yrs old

Then why are you comparing yourself to them eg their settling/having kids; they're older.

Original poster

Nomorepastry · 07/03/2022 21:16

@Tamworth123

They weren't in the same age group as me, youngest around 26 to 34yrs old

Then why are you comparing yourself to them eg their settling/having kids; they're older.

Doesn't make it any easier though. These are couples that have been together for 1-2 years. I feel like a failure in my pointless 6 year relationship that wasn't going to get anywhere..

OP posts:

Sunseasun · 07/03/2022 21:17

Yeah I’m sorry to be blunt but it’s only because I’ve been there but your life will be a millions times better without him. He’s stringing you along. And that’s not because you’re not good enough, it’s something about him. Please use all of this mental energy on your own life.

Sunseasun · 07/03/2022 21:19

Ps please don’t make having kids the bar as to whether you are going places or have failed. That needs to come from you first.

AreWeThereYetMummy · 07/03/2022 21:22

I really think you shouldn't compare yourself to other people. It's often the people who have children only 1-2 years after meeting who find their relationships don't work out. I had mine 12 years after meeting my DH! That might be extreme but at least we knew each other (good and bad points!) we met when I was 24.

But back to you, you sound lovely and far too good for him. Focus on you and what makes you happy first.

Tamworth123 · 07/03/2022 21:25

Doesn't make it any easier though. These are couples that have been together for 1-2 years. I feel like a failure in my pointless 6 year relationship that wasn't going to get anywhere.

Maybe they're settling and having kids within a couple of years (which to be honest isn't a good idea in my experience, it's too soon) .. because they're older, and feel pressure to do so, or feel the time is right.

You're lucky you don't have to.

If you've been in a relationship for 6 yes and you're mod twenties, you were still a teenager when you got involved; that's v v young. To me, that young, the relationship should not have gone anywhere til you were older anyway. Now you're mud 20s he's becoming clearer and clearer he doesn't want to settle. So, leave and you can find someone else. He doesbt sound like a nice person, and he doesn't even have a job. Plenty of ppl have had relationships break down older than you. You still have plenty of time to have more kids.

And why is it your failure it broke down/hasn't worked out? Its not your job to make a relationship work out. It's your job to find a good relationship, a good partner.

Bananalanacake · 07/03/2022 21:28

Why is he unemployed, is he looking for work, has he worked in all the time you've known him.
So good you don't live together, much easier to get rid of.

Tamworth123 · 07/03/2022 21:29

It sounds more like its his fault it didn't work out, or at the very least that he's simply not suited to what you would like (in time), to settle and have a family.

He's not suited to it now, he doesn't want it now... and may never. But he doesn't sound like a good person or partner anyway.

There are plenty of ppl in the world, men are not an endangered species.

Tamworth123 · 07/03/2022 21:34

Also, if you pin your entire focus and worth and happiness on being in a relationship/marriage and having a family, you are making yourself very desperate and vulnerable.

Of course, most ppl would like to live with a partner/spouse and have a family, but it's not the only thing in life, there are so navy other things that can make you happy and fulfil you. You need to find other things to focus on and get fulfilment from as well.

The bonus of doing that is it should lead tk greater, better partner meeting opportunities too.

Tuiwow · 07/03/2022 21:38

Ditch him. Stop wasting your life on him.

Tamworth123 · 07/03/2022 21:41

Have you had any counselling aboit the termination?

Or any cou selling in general?

Could your gp or anyone else refer you for some/more.

What you went through with your child is very traumatic, and the termination was probably traumatic for you too.

Tamworth123 · 07/03/2022 21:46

Do you have any contact from your child? Will you have the opportunity in future if he chooses?

What you've been through is massive, must be v painful ... you probably need lots of help & counselling on-going.

I could be wrong but do you think you could be fixated on settling and having a child to try to "make right" or compensate for what's happened?

scoobydoo1971 · 07/03/2022 21:49

Don't marry unemployed angry man...it won't fix anything. Get counselling to work on your boundaries and self esteem. Get help with PCOS from an endocrine doctor. I have this and Metformin worked wonders even though I am not diabetic. Helps mentally as well. Get hobbies and support systems in the community. Go on eventbrite etc and find things to do. This will help you not focus on this toxic man who offers you nothing...at all.

HereBdragons · 07/03/2022 21:55

He sounds crap. Ditch him and look for someone who will treat you better.
OP you have time to change what your life looks like. You’re still really young. The most important thing here is probably improving your confidence and self-worth.
On the job front, is there anyone you could go and see about why all your applications are being rejected? Are there 50people applying for the same position everytime? Does your cv need re-writing? Is there a job centre nearby who could help you with this?
On the friends front, could you start a hobby? Join a club?

HereBdragons · 07/03/2022 21:58

No doctor will do a sterilisation you don’t want because your mum thinks you should have one. No one else gets a say in your reproductive health choices. Just because you weren’t ready and adequately prepared to be a mum at 16 and you weren’t in a supportive enough relationship last year, it doesn’t mean you won’t have all that one day.

tara66 · 07/03/2022 22:04

Don't rely on this sort of a person for your happiness or future plans. Can you not improve yourself doing a course - some form of further education to advance your employment prospects so you can earn a salary and be independent? Why have you had no reply from applying for 75 jobs? Have you studied successful formats for the way to make job applications?

napody · 07/03/2022 22:05

@Tamworth123

Have you had any counselling aboit the termination?

Or any cou selling in general?

Could your gp or anyone else refer you for some/more.

What you went through with your child is very traumatic, and the termination was probably traumatic for you too.

This.

Plus, your mum wants you to get your tubes tied? In your mid twenties?

StopStartStop · 07/03/2022 22:07

If you were my child I'd tell you:

Stop. In this moment, give up all your past. Give up everything you have learned about yourself, and everything you believe about yourself, and have a fresh start.

Have a lovely shower or bath to mark washing your old experiences away.

You are young. So young, you have decades of life ahead. Shake off the past and be free to enjoy life from now on.

Thoughts, memories, doubts, fears will all creep in - shoo them out and tell yourself that in this moment now, you are happy. It takes a bit of practise but after a while when you say it, it will be true.

From now on, follow your bliss. Do what makes you happy. Go through your clothes and throw away anything that doesn't please you. Go minimalist in your wardrobe and your life.

Cast off 'friends' you are no longer comfortable with, for whatever reason.

StopStartStop · 07/03/2022 22:08

Hey ho, thst wasn't supposed to pist.

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