Sister has literally hated me since birth. It is causing me so much pain

[kobacat1981]

I'm 38 now and pretty much since the day I was born my sister has hated and resented my existence. When I was only about 2 weeks old, she tried to push my pram down a hill and would go out of her way to try to hurt me. This never changed over the years. Any efforts I made to try to play with her or be close to her were just pushed away. She is 3 years older than me.

She is my only sibling and I don't think our parents ever even tried to try to deal with what went on between us. My sister to this day is a spoiled and entitled brat but they refuse to speak with her because they say she is an adult now and nothing will chap change. She still resents me for things like cutting her dolls hair when I was 5 years old and little things that happened that I assume happens in a lot of sibling relationships.i have already apologised to her for whatever wrongdoing I have done to her to make her dislike me but she just won't engage and if someone does one thing to her, she holds it in for them indefinitely. If I walk into a room she will ignore my existence or pretend that she doesn't even see me on the street.

It's almost like I try to still have some semblance of a relationship because she is the only sibling I have and its almost like I try to get on with her for the sake of our parents, but I have come to the point where I want no more to do with her because it's too painful for me.

I have spoken to a therapist about it all but it hasn't really helped, is anyone else in this position? If so how do you cope with the pain and live your life at the same time?

Ditch her this is never going to work, why have such a negative person in your life. Go NC I did with mine never regretted it.

It's almost like I try to still have some semblance of a relationship because she is the only sibling I have and its almost like I try to get on with her for the sake of our parents, but I have come to the point where I want no more to do with her because it's too painful for me.

I am sure your therapits worked n you giving yourewlf permision to do just that! Why wouldn't you walk awy a from someone who causes you distress.

I have spoken to a therapist about it all but it hasn't really helped, is anyone else in this position? If so how do you cope with the pain and live your life at the same time?

Can you put your finger on why it didn't help?

Like, did the therapist simply not give you a solution and tell you to di it?

I know that sounds daft but I have a good friend who I thought was bright, switched on and sensible. And she was really angry with her therapist for never having a solution to her problems.

I suggested she confess that this is what she wanted from her therapist - and she even outlined what solutions she wanted the tharapist to suggest - thus removing the need for the therapist to say anything. Complicated madness, but it worked for her!

Oh. And I went NC with parents and DSis.

About 20 years on and DSis is back in my life having come to her senses re DPs behaviours. She approached me, cried a lot and we cleared the air between us.

We are both NC with DPs.

No regrets at all!

@SamphiretheStickerist thank you. To be honest I think this particular therapist just wasn't the right one because he kept insisting I just speak to my sister and blaming me for not having a relationship with her. I'm going to try to find someone who specialises in family estrangement. I think that could help

One thing to get into perspective - when you were 2 weeks old, how old was she? 3? How do you know she 'tried to push your pram down a hill? Because your parents told you? And gave the action some intent that it possibly didn't have. 3 year olds don't really understand the implications of something like that - they just fancy giving something with wheels a push. Which is why parents are supposed to monitor and not leave very small children alone with babies!

Your parents have caused at least some of this ill-feeling IMHO.

I have siblings that were awful to me (verbal, physical, emotional abuse, they were real shits!)

a lot of it driven by jealousy and because I was their punching bag (with one of them it's was literally physical abuse) due to the abuse they experienced at the hands of our parents.

I can't cut them off completely due to wanting to have my nieces and nephews (with whom I have a lovely relationship) but I have gone very low contact.

Honestly I recommend you stop trying to please her or try to make her see you as a human, it is never going to happen!
Stop being a pick me pick me type person for your own emotional wellbeing.

Also ask yourself why do you feel you 'owe' your parents good relationship with her, when they failed both of you?

Ask yourself why do you want her to like you so much? What would you gain from it?

I hope you heal from this damaged person, but it can be a very hard and long journey at least it was fore to get to the point of indifference towards them, which meant I would no longer give them the power to hurt me.

@Wartywart

One thing to get into perspective - when you were 2 weeks old, how old was she? 3? How do you know she 'tried to push your pram down a hill? Because your parents told you? And gave the action some intent that it possibly didn't have. 3 year olds don't really understand the implications of something like that - they just fancy giving something with wheels a push. Which is why parents are supposed to monitor and not leave very small children alone with babies!

Your parents have caused at least some of this ill-feeling IMHO.

It sounds like going LC or NC would do you a lot of good, you don't need to have anyone in your life you don't want.

However I have to say this jumped out at me too. You can only have been told this story and that's on the adults around at the time and she shouldn't have had the opportunity.

There is a slight hypocrisy that she is blamed for this action as a child but you are also annoyed she still blames you for things you did as a toddler.

But overall if she treats you badly don't have her in your life.

@Wartywart

One thing to get into perspective - when you were 2 weeks old, how old was she? 3? How do you know she 'tried to push your pram down a hill? Because your parents told you? And gave the action some intent that it possibly didn't have. 3 year olds don't really understand the implications of something like that - they just fancy giving something with wheels a push. Which is why parents are supposed to monitor and not leave very small children alone with babies!

Your parents have caused at least some of this ill-feeling IMHO.

Yes completely agree with this. Wonder if there is some dynamic between her & your parents from her point of view that you're missing.

However you don't have to pursue it. Yes, you are allowed to go nc with her if it's all too horrible. If you want a relationship with her it might be worth thinking about how she experienced your joint childhood and seeing if you can talk to her about it. All dependent on you wanting to do that/her being receptive, of course.

[quote kobacat1981]@SamphiretheStickerist thank you. To be honest I think this particular therapist just wasn't the right one because he kept insisting I just speak to my sister and blaming me for not having a relationship with her. I'm going to try to find someone who specialises in family estrangement. I think that could help[/quote]
That sounds quite grim. Even if it wasnt what he was actually saying (cos somehow therapists find lost of novel ways to communicate), that it is all you heard means he should have tried at least 1 different tack!

Good luck finding someone who hears you!

I'm in the same boat. When my one remaining parent dies I'm cutting contact completely.

Just because she is related to you by blood doesn't mean you must maintain a relationship at all costs. In this case that cost is emotional distress to yourself.

She has disliked you for 38 years, that will not change now. The best way to move forwards is to acknowledge and make peace that you will never have the relationship you want with your sister. You have done your best, all you can, but it isn't going to happen. Then go LC or NC.

I'm NC with my sibling and it was the right thing to do for me and my piece of mind. I've never regretted it. I regret that we'll never have a relationship as I had hoped but I am so much better for not having the stress and anger of her in my life.

Good luck

I'm NC with my only sister. For quite different reasons to you, but they are solid reasons. But it took me so many years of putting up with what bordered on abuse from her to finally come to my senses and realise that it didn't matter if it upset my dad that we weren't friendly and it didn't matter that we were siblings. I absolutely had to go as low contact as possible with her. I posted on here about her and so many people said go no contact, but I, being a total idiot, wanted a civil relationship "for the sake of the family" but she didn't want that. She wanted full access to me so she could continue to harass me. When I put up boundaries and explained clearly and politely why, she went no contact, which suits me very well indeed.

Anyway, just some solidarity. It happens and sometimes it's for the best that siblings have low or no contact. You will always and I mean always get someone whining "but she's your siiiiiiiister", but they are not to be listened to at all.

You've just described my mum & her sisters relationship. Mum is 13 months younger than her sister & they used to fight like cat & dog as kids. It's a jealousy thing I'm afraid. And it doesn't get easier with age. I'd cut your losses & live your life, if you spend your life hankering for a relationship with her, you're always going to be sad. 💕

I would reduce contact with her and get rid of any expectations of her. Stop wanting her to be kind, to change, to care about you etc. Grieve for this loss if you want.

One thing that can help is to develop friendships that do give you mutually what you wish your family did - loyalty, love, affection, trust, support etc. Look out for people who really are good, kind and who like you as you are. Avoid repeat-pattern friendships.

When you see her at family dos, behave functionally. Don't initiate anything but be minimal and civil in any interactions. It can feel very powerful to get through a big family gathering staying calm and controlled when in the past you have churned up and longed for something you never have.

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses, it has given me a lot to think about and made me realise that going no contact with my sister is the right decision for me

It was the same between my siblings and I, there were 10 and 9 years difference between us, I was the baby. They were abusive towards me growing up, and it continued into adulthood. I've been no contact with them for 10 years. Best thing I ever did.

I also thought it was strange that you blaming her for something she reportedly did at 3, but you criticise her for holding something you did at 5 against you.

Do you think that you may be placing all the blame on your sister, when it is something you are both responsible for? Have your parents encouraged a division between you? I'm not sure about the pushing you down a hill story. It sounds like a 'funny' story that has been embellished by your parents.

Very low or no contact is your best option. Without any announcement just avoid, ignore and focus your time on the positive relationships in your life.
I havent had anything like the terrible experience you have had but I just realised that even as an adult I was still looking up to and trying to impress my sibling in the hope they would want us to have a closer relationship: Trying to persuade them to like spending time and being around me. Trying to win them round.
Once I had kids of my own I just realised that they simply don't particularly like me and I can't change that. Nor should I have to.
My life is busy and I don't have time to chase after them anymore. It still makes me sad that they don't even notice or care. But I understand it won't change.
They have loads of friends and make time for lots of other people, often the life and soul of the party etc. I often get told about the fun time people have had with them etc which stings.
Step back, avoid and if nec block. Throw more effort into your friendships or relationships that are happy and fulfilling.

As children my siblings and I had a strained relationship. This was definitely down to childhood experiences.
As adults we were able to come together and understand each other.
It sounds like your sister is still nursing her inner child/childhood experiences.
Unless she is willing (of her own accord) to address this then there's really nothing you can do.
Protect your own mental health would be my advice

OP I am sorry but some people are rotten to the core. You must accept that you do not have a “sister”.

I actually know someone like this who has derailed her sibling’s life. As soon as sibling came along (newborn), this person kicked to injure. This person is 50 now and has since done other awful things to sibling (awful financial stuff, undermined the sibling’s parenting ability, told everyone sibling is thick, lazy etc etc - sibling is a perfectly ordinary person in fact). She is a horrible person and will never change. The only way to protect yourself is to avoid your sister and consider yourself to be an only child.

You need to pretend you don’t see her on the street. Don’t even look at her. Try to avoid her. If she speaks to you, stare her down.

I don't think I'd be making much of an effort to see any of them to be honest. It sounds fairly toxic and they're enabling her by defending her. She's an adult ffs.

My sibling & I are totally different people.

I wouldn't choose them as a friend.

They are very full on & I find them draining.

We get on well enough when we meet up but I don't think that either one of us particularly misses the other during the long periods in between!

I read some Hatred in your words for her, and I am also curious how you know she tried to push your pram away at 3, and how you’d hold such a small child responsible. Who told you this. It’s very common for children to be unsettled by a new sibling, what did your parents do to reassure her.

I think the relationship though is likely too broken, but I’d go no contact and think long and hard about what part your parents have played in this, and that you may be both victims.

@Pamlar

Very low or no contact is your best option. Without any announcement just avoid, ignore and focus your time on the positive relationships in your life. I havent had anything like the terrible experience you have had but I just realised that even as an adult I was still looking up to and trying to impress my sibling in the hope they would want us to have a closer relationship: Trying to persuade them to like spending time and being around me. Trying to win them round. Once I had kids of my own I just realised that they simply don't particularly like me and I can't change that. Nor should I have to. My life is busy and I don't have time to chase after them anymore. It still makes me sad that they don't even notice or care. But I understand it won't change. They have loads of friends and make time for lots of other people, often the life and soul of the party etc. I often get told about the fun time people have had with them etc which stings. Step back, avoid and if nec block. Throw more effort into your friendships or relationships that are happy and fulfilling.

This is very good advice. She is a bully. How much longer are you going to keep going back to your sister for more of the crap behaviour. She will not change. She enjoys how she treats you and doesn't want to change. How much longer do you want to let her walk all over you before you call a halt to it. Its your choice. 1( Invest more time in trying to please someone who is consistently vile to you or 2) quietly without drama move on and focus on better relationships.

You are old enough to do this and if you parents want to pressurise you, tell them exactly why. They should have stepped in years ago. You simply don't have to put up with this anymore and you will find it a huge relief.

I think it's letting go of the expectation of how a sisterly rationship should be that's the hardest. I have a similar difficult relationship with mine and are effectively LC. She doesn't like or respect me and I can't change that. I can be civil and not engage or provide any ammunition and that's about it. Much more joy in my life not trying to force this bond.