I'm not asking his opinion

[D0lphine]

My DP doesn't understand that quite often when I tell him something I'm not asking for his opinion.

I'll say I've done something. Then he will offer an opinion, often disagreeing with me.

For example this morning I told him I had chased a recruiter about the results of a job interview I had last week. "He said why have you chased him you only had the interview last week."

I wanted to say "with respect, I'm telling you not asking for your opinion - I don't need your approval to chase a recruiter about MY possible job." I didn't say this because my period is due in 3 days and I can get ratty and moody. Defo need a sense check (thanks in advance sensible ladies of Mumsnet!)

I just find that it's very undermining. It's my job and my career. I don't need his opinion (we work in different fields). He constantly puts doubts in my head about really small things like that. Why have you done this why have you done that. Err I chased the recruiter because I want to know about the job? Duh.

What should he say instead? If someone tells you something then it’s natural to say your opinion about it

How is he supposed to know?

He asked you a question!

That’s just having a conversation, surely? What do you want him to do, curtsy and back out of the room or something?

I feel there is more to this ... as to me that just seems like a genuine question ...

The opposing view is - why mention it if you don’t want a conversation?

I appreciate this example may be the tip of an ice berg, but purely on this example you could say ‘I know it was only last week but I’m keen to hear.’

Would you have reacted any better if he’d said “Oh, really? I’d have probably waited a bit longer.”

Or would “Great! Hope you hear soon” be the only acceptable answer?

There must be more to this.

Christ, this all sounds such hard work. What could he say that would make you happy?

This is normal conversation. How would you like him to respond, to just always nod and agree with you?

I think I get what OP means because I’ve been there with someone too.

It’s one thing when someone offers a single comment or opinion, as in this isolated example. However, when it is every single time you open your mouth, it becomes exhausting. The constant, “why did you do that?”, “you shouldn’t have done that”, “what’s the point of that?” to the point where you can’t even say what you had for lunch without the other person saying it was wrong is soul-destroying.

Completely agree with you OP. He’s not your dad, if you had said “do you think I should chase the recruiter?” that would be a different thing.

OP, I get what you're saying. Mine does this constantly and it comes across as unnecessarily picky, as if he has the definitive say on when/how/whether something should be done.
The key word is “constantly”.

To avoid murdering him, I either just smile at him, or just say lightly that that was what/how I wanted to do.
Occasionally he is right!

This is a normal conversation op. You’ve told him something and he’s responded with something appropriate. It’s not normal to only communicate with someone by making statements and then mmm responding with other statements unrelated to what you’ve just said.

Does he ever share things with you or only offer “problems”?
If he does share - then it might be a good moment to highlight that this is also what you also what you do and you would like them to enquirer anit you and not “fix it”.

The argument thing might be like someone I know, who has low confidence and who believes that arguing the opposite shows that you are an intellectual (whereas agreeing with you just results in copying what you’ve said- hence they HAVE to argue, otherwise they feel unintelligent).

What do you want him to respond with?
Do you just want him to say "ok"?
Then you would complain you never have a conversation.

I understand where you're coming from OP. I used to be with someone like this and it gets exhausting!
If he'd just said something like "Did the recruiter give you any time frame when they might hear?" Or something along those lines it wouldn't have been an issue.

I would like him to be encouraging and positive about the new job and not constantly pick through everything I do. It's so wearing and negative.

But he's asking a legitimate question. He's not going to be excited about a job you don't have yet.

It sounds like he wants a conversation and yo u want him to just listen and say "that's nice dear" but also that you don't want an actual conversation because he's always negative.

I think you need to pick him up every time you feel undermined and negated, and tell him you need more positive affirmation from him

@girlmom21

But he's asking a legitimate question. He's not going to be excited about a job you don't have yet.

I don't expect him to be excited.

I expect him not to pick negatively through everything I do.

Makes me not want to share my day...

Does he do the devils advocate thing where every time you say anything about anything he’ll present an alternative view, even if it isn’t a view he holds himself

Because that is what mine does

He is just very negative and I don't understand why. Why haven't I done this and why haven't I done that.

It's wearing to be honest.

What's the rest of your situation op? Kids, finances, logistics etc. Because if there's nothing like that, you don't have to be in a relationship if it doesn't make you happy. It isn't compulsory.

I understand you OP. I couldn't be with someone relentlessly negative.