I'm not asking his opinion

[D0lphine]

My DP doesn't understand that quite often when I tell him something I'm not asking for his opinion.

I'll say I've done something. Then he will offer an opinion, often disagreeing with me.

For example this morning I told him I had chased a recruiter about the results of a job interview I had last week. "He said why have you chased him you only had the interview last week."

I wanted to say "with respect, I'm telling you not asking for your opinion - I don't need your approval to chase a recruiter about MY possible job." I didn't say this because my period is due in 3 days and I can get ratty and moody. Defo need a sense check (thanks in advance sensible ladies of Mumsnet!)

I just find that it's very undermining. It's my job and my career. I don't need his opinion (we work in different fields). He constantly puts doubts in my head about really small things like that. Why have you done this why have you done that. Err I chased the recruiter because I want to know about the job? Duh.

Eh

If that's the gist of your complaint about him, you have issues & it isn't your DH

I know what you mean OP. If its all the time it just feels like their innocent questioning about every little fucking thing is a bit disrespectful and critical like you are always making silly unusual decisions

@D0lphine

He is just very negative and I don't understand why. Why haven't I done this and why haven't I done that.

It's wearing to be honest.

Yep.. my husband does the same. He doesn't see the glass half full or empty...He sees the glass cracked. " Honey, goodbye I'm going to take LInda out to lunch now." " NOWWWWWW? The traffic is bad ( yes, I know) and by the time you get Linda it will be lunchtime and crowded ( yes I know). Well, enjoy the traffic it's a scenic route. ( ?) blah, blah, blah... He's done that for 17 years and it gets on MY LAST NERVES... He'll never change. I just say, " Whatever" to him now and will shake my head. ( But he's all mine..hahahha)

Good example:
HIs mom was an artist. His brother received a beautiful painting upon her death. My husband's favorite.
I snuck over to his brother's home took a picture of the art and had it professional printed and framed for his birthday. It was expensive to do so.
When I presented it to him he said, " Too bad you didn't get mom's signature.
And I said, " Well, you know...she's dead. " Yep that's my husband.

If you don't want to have a conversation with someone, don't talk to them.

If you don't like someone's conversational style (ie, they're too negative) don't marry them FFS.

Not sure how long the OP has been in a relationship with her partner but this is a pretty big sign of incompatibility.

I get you, OP. As a one off, it might be normal conversation as most people on the thread seem to think. As a constant drip-drip questioning your every remark, it must be utterly soul-destroying.

In that example, where the OP said she'd chased them up, he could easily have responded with 'What did they say?' or 'Any joy? or 'I hope they let you know soon' instead of the answer he actually gave, which was implied criticism.

@gannett

If you don't want to have a conversation with someone, don't talk to them.

If you don't like someone's conversational style (ie, they're too negative) don't marry them FFS.

Not sure how long the OP has been in a relationship with her partner but this is a pretty big sign of incompatibility.

We aren't married.

I think maybe you just gave a poor example and the op was not written well. What you’re trying to say is that he is always negative and puts you down and you’re sick of it.

I think if that’s the case then the relationship is pretty much over to be honest. He is who he is, and you are who you are and it doesn’t work.

He bugs you.

Be glad you aren't married.

Move on.

I totally get you OP- you were not asking a question or his views, you were just sharing info— it’s very wearing if someone constantly nit picks when you haven’t asked for an opinion

@Cheeeesecake

Does he do the devils advocate thing where every time you say anything about anything he’ll present an alternative view, even if it isn’t a view he holds himself

Because that is what mine does

Mine does this. Irritating as shit. Just agree with me sometimes!

@D0lphine

My DP doesn't understand that quite often when I tell him something I'm not asking for his opinion.

I'll say I've done something. Then he will offer an opinion, often disagreeing with me.

For example this morning I told him I had chased a recruiter about the results of a job interview I had last week. "He said why have you chased him you only had the interview last week."

I wanted to say "with respect, I'm telling you not asking for your opinion - I don't need your approval to chase a recruiter about MY possible job." I didn't say this because my period is due in 3 days and I can get ratty and moody. Defo need a sense check (thanks in advance sensible ladies of Mumsnet!)

I just find that it's very undermining. It's my job and my career. I don't need his opinion (we work in different fields). He constantly puts doubts in my head about really small things like that. Why have you done this why have you done that. Err I chased the recruiter because I want to know about the job? Duh.

Maybe in his perspectives he thinks you would like his opinion rather than realising you don't need it ?

I'd have said the same as him.

You sound a bit bonkers.

I’m with you OP. If I want someone’s advice or opinion regarding a decision I’ve made, I tend to explicitly ask for it. Obvs it’s natural to offer opinion sometimes, but the example you gave would annoy me.

I had an ex like this:

Me: turns out the sofa I wanted won't fit in that space...
Him: gets out the tape measure, spends an hour trying to convince me otherwise. As if I can't/didn't measure!

Me: after that bug infestation this plant is dead.
Him: spends yonks advising on plant feed, repotting, etc despite knowing zilch about plants or ever owning one. Then walks over to the perfectly happy healthy plants : oh, now THESE one's really do look dead

Me: I think I'm seriously ill
Him: It must be just stress

Me: I need to start going to the gym again
Him: spends way too much time reasoning why general fitness has nothing to do with the gym and basically talking me out of it.

Always! Always the bloody game of contradiction and opposites. Sometimes subtle, sometimes not so. Forever frustrating and tiring. Never again will I be found with one of those types!

I wouldn't have responded like he did. I would have said something like, that's good, any update?

I'd probably respond to his constant know it all with, Ok, Dad.

We aren't married.

Yes, my comment was referring to the disturbing amount of posters who did marry people they apparently dislike.

I get it, OP. My DH does something familiar, except that, in my case, his go-to remark will be something reassuring /upbeat.

I'll say "It's so cold out there" and he'll respond that it's going to get warmer.

I'll say "The price of petrol has gone through the roof" and he'll respond that the prices will come down soon.

I'll say "My azalia is dying" he'll say we can get a new one.

To those here saying that the OP's husband is just making conversation, the issue is when your DH has a default go-to mode of conversation - in my case, unwanted reassurance, in the OP's case unwanted picking. It gets so wearing.

@gannett

We aren't married.

Yes, my comment was referring to the disturbing amount of posters who did marry people they apparently dislike.

Ah, you must have missed the memo @gannett . Being in a relationship is the ultimate in success for a woman, absolutely regardless of how miserable you are.

I know where you're coming from op. My partner and son have a habit of saying "what you need to do is..." when I'm not asking what they think I should do - usually over fairly trivial stuff. Eg, I'll say. "Don't let the cat out after x o'clock". They'll say "what you need to do is let the cat out if she wants to go out".

My response is "what you both need to do is keep your opinions to yourselves"

hmmmm I think it is the example you have given that is a bit weak. I would have said something like him but only because one of my ex bosses would chuck out of the process anyone who called back asking about the interview. Her opinion was if they were that pain in the ass before you had even engaged them, imagine what they would be like after. Funnily enough I got on fine with her. I never called back for feedback, perhaps the others self cancelled...
But no to anyone telling you what to do all the time. If it gets on your nerves so much, just move on. You are not married or anything.

hmmmm I think it is the example you have given that is a bit weak. I would have said something like him but only because one of my ex bosses would chuck out of the process anyone who called back asking about the interview. Her opinion was if they were that pain in the ass before you had even engaged them, imagine what they would be like after. not married or anything

You just reminded when my boss did just that - the most promising candidate got in touch for feedback before we'd even finishing interviewing other candidates, then called up with more questions about the job, then again with a question about pay..... they were struck off on account of they were clearly going to be too demanding and exhausting to work with!!

Anyway, back to Op.... perhaps your example wasn't a great one, as on its own there's nothing offensive about that. But if he constantly criticises / disagrees / sees the negative, then I can see that would be really wearing. Do you think you're just not compatible?