Son asking if he can get a dad..

[seashells1]

I've been a single mum to my son (6) since he was a baby. I left his father because of domestic abuse and threats against both son and I.
His father is no longer on the scene and I have full custody. Went through all the appropriate legal channels and got protective court orders to protect son and I against his father.
Son and I live in a completely new area where father would struggle to find us, so I feel relatively safe here and have a good supportive network of friends and family.

My son has recently started asking (not all the time, just maybe once every couple of weeks), "do I have a daddy?" and "please can I get a daddy?". Breaks my heart to see him looking on when he sees his friends with their dads, all of whom seem to be lovely family-orientated men.

How can I address and explaine his dad's absense in an age-appropriate way?

That is absolutely heartbreaking.

Can you explain that families come in all shapes and sizes? Some have lots of children, some have one or two. Some have just a mum, some have just a Dad. Some have two daddies or two mummies (gay family). He can't be the only child at school a lone parent.

My daughter went through that stage at about the same age and even asked a man in a lift if he could be her dad, he was really kind to her in his response. When we talked it is about the age when they notice other kids dad’s picking up, attending events, Father’s Day cards, parents evening etc and that is what triggered it, also a girl was teasing her constantly about having no dad (her dad was the schools vicar)

We talked about families being all types and no one family is the same, some have one mum, some have two mums, some have only a dad, some two dads, some have two homes etc and some live with other family members, there are some great books out there which help. X

@Changethetoner

Can you explain that families come in all shapes and sizes? Some have lots of children, some have one or two. Some have just a mum, some have just a Dad. Some have two daddies or two mummies (gay family). He can't be the only child at school a lone parent.

Yes, I've been explaining to him about families come in all shapes and sizes - some with 2 mummies, 2 daddies or no mummy/daddy at all. Some children being brought up by grandparents, aunts/uncles etc. I thought this might help but he still keeps pushing for an answer about where his daddy is and why he's not living with us... It's so tricky. No matter how much I talk about all the different sorts of families, he keeps going back to the issue of his daddy and asking where he is. Like he knows he does have one. Most of his friends at school seem to have dads, theres only 1 friend whose dad I've never seen and not sure what the family's situation is (I don't like to pry). So my son sees that it's normal to have a dad. Also, most of my friends' children have dads and he sees this too.

This is a good one www.amazon.co.uk/All-About-Families-First-Book/dp/147494907X/ref=asc_df_147494907X/?hvlocphy=1006876&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310871971371&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-564364350688&hvrand=2646481489384523102

Ah ok, my daughters dad buggered off and we haven’t seen him or heard from him for years, I just explained she had one however he wasn’t able to be a father and we were a small family but we had everything we needed, I did slag him off as much as I wanted to, but just said he wasn’t able to be one and had a decided on a different life but it wasn’t because of her because he didn’t know her, so it wasn’t a decision made because of her. If that makes sense.

I think perhaps tell him an edited version of the truth.

I would explain an edited truth, that some people are kind and some are not And that he has a daddy, but that daddy couldn’t keep him safe and mummy didn’t feel safe either and so it was better to be a family of 2 and be safe and happy.

It’s hard but you will have to tell hi. The truth at some point and at 6 I think he is old enough to start understanding the truth

*didn’t slag him off or bad mouth him.

It sounds like you are going to have to tell him the truth in an age appropriate way.

I think you have to be careful about using the word safe at 6 because that’s all they need at the age, to be safe, fed, loved and happy. You don’t want him to feel unsafe.

Don't ever say nasty things to your son about his dad, as he will make his own mind up when he's old enough.

However, I think now may be the time to say that daddy wasn't always kind and that it was so important that both your son and yourself are ok, so you moved to a safe place!

This resonates with me quite a bit. Only, I came to realise the absence of my dad through the presence of my younger sister's dad.

My mum had made it clear he wasn't my biological dad and, like your son, I was amongst many friends who had a nuclear family set up.

Unfortunately, there's not much sugar coating you can do because the fact is it is a bit shit. The best you can do is be a little honest (not full on though). Maybe that dad didn't get along with mum and was quite mean sometimes so he had to go. It can be a lesson in how being "mean" (abusive) to people is not acceptable.

Are there any male figures in his life? Ask him what stiff he thinks dads do and tell him he can also do that with you/his uncle/grandad, etc.

I would want to be honest and tell him he does have a dad as it’s only fair - and explain why he isn’t with you if you can think of an appropriate way to that he will understand but Ideally not judge his dad too harshly by.

Do you have any photos of Dad? It might help to make it real for him. And a name? Dad's name is "Robert" or whatever. That way he'll know he does/did have a Dad, but that Dad is no longer able to be with the family.

No advice but had exactly the same with my daughter, she use to cry every day about not having a dad, it got worse when she had a male teacher (we aren’t usually around men so maybe that’s why) but she became obsessed with the idea of having a father and use to ask me to get her a new dad (or marry her teacher so she could have a dad 😣) it did eventually stop but I just had to keep reassuring her that all families are different.

Its an age thing as well, at six they’re noticing the familes around them much more.

Mines six, and he sometimes asks why he doesn’t have a mum, you can be honest with them in an age appropriate way. He knows why he couldn’t stay with his birth parents, he will tell people now, he in the last few weeks explained in his own way to my husband what his birth parents were like, it was interesting to hear which bits he was just repeating, and which bits showed true understanding. They do start putting two and two together at that age, the penny has recently dropped for him that his teeth are rotten because his birth mother didn’t care for them, I’ve always said his teeth weren’t kept clean as a baby and he was given coke in a bottle etc so thats why they are rotten, but he recently pieced together that it will have been birth mother who gave him that drink, didn’t clean his teeth etc.

Children can cope with the truth, they also need it, even when the truth isn’t particularly nice.

I had this kind of experience with a friend of mine. The son, aged about 10, said to me “ I wish I had a dad”. It was in the morning, after a party, why he said this to me I don’t know, but I was surprised and sad for him - even though I didn’t have a clue what to say. He had a dad, btw, just not very involved.

It’s something that can best be heard, understood, as a longing. I do t know what else to say.

I told my ds that of course he has a dad...everybody does - but his dad just doesn't live with us. That did the trick and ds is now 11. He had a phase of asking but now says he doesn't care/isn't interested.

@Redburnett it isn't as a result of a bad decision on the mums part. I generally find it's a result of the father being a feckless wanker.

I can only surmise, from my experience, that it’s a deep kind of thing. I remember being silenced at this child’s longings and insight.

But, it’s not the end of the world either. As an adult we can all make strides in our losses, as we grow.

@HumunaHey

This resonates with me quite a bit. Only, I came to realise the absence of my dad through the presence of my younger sister's dad.

My mum had made it clear he wasn't my biological dad and, like your son, I was amongst many friends who had a nuclear family set up.

Unfortunately, there's not much sugar coating you can do because the fact is it is a bit shit. The best you can do is be a little honest (not full on though). Maybe that dad didn't get along with mum and was quite mean sometimes so he had to go. It can be a lesson in how being "mean" (abusive) to people is not acceptable.

Are there any male figures in his life? Ask him what stiff he thinks dads do and tell him he can also do that with you/his uncle/grandad, etc.

I would be careful about using the word ‘mean’ instead of explaining about abuse. Just because for a child they might wonder if they were ‘mean’ (meaning refused to put their shoes on or something!) mummy might leave them. Generally I think being as un-euphemistic as possible is better. Lots of boys really worry too whether they will be like their daddy but rarely express that to they mums. So I’d pre-emptively raise that.

So tell him that daddy didn’t learn to be a good man and that he hurt mummy and might have hurt him too, so mummy had to leave him. That is is sad that he didn’t have a good daddy and he is such a wonderful boy that he deserved that and mummy deserved that but it’s a good thing that mummy left to keep them both safe. That you have a perfect little family. Explain that there are lots of good men (give examples if you can!) and that he is going to be a good man when he grows up and will get the chance to be a great daddy one day.

@Redburnett, what a dreadful comment. Why would you say something so cruel (and potentially entirely inaccurate - we don't know the OP's past)?
How do you live with yourself?

@Redburnett

Sadly this is the end result of women who decide to have children with horrible men. I fear there is no kind way of telling a 6 year old that he has a horrible father, and that it is the result of a bad decision on Mum's part.

Fucking hell

Women who 'decide' to?

Not all women decide to have children with abusive men, some don't become abusive until the woman is pregnant, some women are raped and made pregnant by men so have no choice.