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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has no emotion ?

38 replies

Jellybellyfun88 · 06/03/2022 19:09

I’m in a relationship with a guy.
He seems emotionally unavailable in many ways and has soaked up a lot of the patriarchal ideals of what a ‘man’ is supposed to be like.
For example I had some bad news one day and I think a normal boyfriend would have been over with a bottle of wine wine chocolates to cheer me up. Instead he said he was glad he was going on a day trip with his friends.
Another example is that his mum died and he said his dad wouldn’t cry because ‘he’s not like that.’ Of course his dad was crying his eyes out and is now on antidepressants. Meanwhile as far as I am aware, bf didn’t shed a tear.
He does have some feeling but I often wonder if it goes beyond something like having an avoidant attachment style?
There’s never any positive encouragement, no nice warm compliment as I’ve had from previous boyfriends. He seems cold although he’s always friendly.
I’ve been so distracted with life stuff that I’m only starting to notice all this now. He calls every day, multiple times a day, but it’s very factual our conversations. He never tells me he loves me. I don’t feel like how I’ve felt in previous relationships.
He also has sexual problems. And has done for a long time I think.
I’m starting to think he’s a bit weird and off but I can’t put my finger on what it could be.
I wanted it to work with him, and I’m very attached to him and extremely scared about starting again at my age. But I can’t help but think he may not be good for me long term.
I actually feel quite unloved I think. There’s no spark, no excitement. He never surprises me or does anything to show he really loves me. Previous bfs would take me on holiday, but a box of chocs - I’m not materialistic at all, it’s more about the gesture.
Not sure what I want to achieve with this post.

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 06/03/2022 19:15

I’m avoidant attachment style and I have cried inconsolably when a significant relationship has died. It sounds like you are with a psychopath.

BoldMove · 06/03/2022 19:22

Hi OP, reread your post and I think you'll have the answer already.
You can be attached to someone through familiarity. If there's no spark, if he doesn't seem very caring and emotionally available then I don't think it's going to improve.
If he's not encouraging you or giving you any sympathy etc when you need it, I suspect you'll end up feeling lonely whilst in a relationship. In which case, you might as well be on your own.
Don't stay for the fear of being alone, doesn't mean you won't find anyone else and whilst you're with this guy then you're not allowing anyone else into your life. Trust your gut.

Kazzyhoward · 06/03/2022 19:26

It sounds like he's on the spectrum. Lack of empathy and inability to show emotion is a sign. My OH sounds similar, but I'm happy to live with that because I understand the problems and he's a brilliant partner/father in so many ways, just without the emotion, and I can live with that, when in "practical/non emotional" ways he gives me and DS 100% support.

Original poster
Jellybellyfun88 · 06/03/2022 19:29

Does he have a diagnosis Kazzyhoward? How do you handle life without emotional support? Do you get it from elsewhere?

OP posts:
Xpologog · 06/03/2022 19:34

He is what he is, doesn’t sound like he’s likely to change.
If you can live with this for 10/20/30 years without resentment or constantly wanting him to change then stick with him. If it’s not something you can or want to deal with you’re better off ending it now.
You have to ask yourself do you see him as a long term/ lifetime partner, a father to your children or not.

iwishu · 06/03/2022 19:40

Whatever's wrong with him, it's not up to you to fix or put up with. It's a big part of relationship to feel they care about you, sometimes we hold on to a relationship out of fear of being alone or starting again but if they can't bring what you give you'll be unhappy.

lateral · 06/03/2022 19:42

It sounds like he's on the spectrum.

Angry
Iwanttenofthose · 06/03/2022 19:46

Some of these responses are really over dramatic.

He doesn't sound broken or like a psychopath. You just don't sound very well suited to each other tbh.

SpacePotato · 06/03/2022 19:48

You are unhappy with him, so get rid. Hanging on because you don't want to be single will only make you more unhappy.

itsnotdeep · 06/03/2022 19:52

@Kazzyhoward

It sounds like he's on the spectrum. Lack of empathy and inability to show emotion is a sign. My OH sounds similar, but I'm happy to live with that because I understand the problems and he's a brilliant partner/father in so many ways, just without the emotion, and I can live with that, when in "practical/non emotional" ways he gives me and DS 100% support.
That's bollocks. People on the spectrum are quite able to show emotion and they do have empathy.

OP, it doesn't matter does it? If it's not working, then walk now.

Lovemusic33 · 06/03/2022 19:53

Sounds like my exh who is on the spectrum but also suffered trauma as a child. I rarely saw him cry, he never got upset if someone we knew passed away or if a pet passed away, never gave me sympathy if I was unwell or upset. It felt very lonely being with him.

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 06/03/2022 19:58

Here we go again! Three posts in and some armchair diagnostician is suggesting that he is 'on the spectrum' and spouting the same old bolllocks about lack of empathy and emotion being an indicator of autism - FFSHmmHmm

AutisticHouseMove · 06/03/2022 20:00

@lateral

It sounds like he's on the spectrum. Angry
I agree with the Angry

I'm autistic. An ex boyfriend was autistic. Many of my friends are autistic.

None of us lack empathy we feel it. We just don't always know how to express it as an NT person would want us to.

I didn't cry when my dad or grandma died and didn't really feel anything - they just weren't there anymore - but that doesn't mean I don't understand that other people do feel things and get upset. I might not know what to say to someone but I wouldn't be cold or dismissive.

FFS. When are these prejudices going to stop being touted on MN?

Lovemusic33 · 06/03/2022 20:01

@IDespairOfTheHumanRace

Here we go again! Three posts in and some armchair diagnostician is suggesting that he is 'on the spectrum' and spouting the same old bolllocks about lack of empathy and emotion being an indicator of autism - FFSHmmHmm
People are just sharing their experiences, of course it’s also possible he’s just a dick 😉. I know people with ASD do have empathy and emotion but some do struggle to show their feelings, I do myself as does my DC’s (all on the spectrum), it doesn’t mean we don’t have these feelings but it may seem like that to others when we don’t know how to express them.
AutisticHouseMove · 06/03/2022 20:02

Oh and my autistic friends and I are all emotionally expressive too.

Lovemusic33 · 06/03/2022 20:03

But at the end of the day, no one has to be with someone if they don’t want to be, doesn’t mater what the reasons are for his lack of sympathy and empathy.

Lovinglifeand · 06/03/2022 20:04

Sounds like my husband. Bloody lovely chap but emotional depth of a saucer (his words). We have made our nearly 30 year marriage work by being best friends but it is very lonely not having any emotional needs catered to and agony watching your children grow up with no love from their father. My advice would be to find someone who does cater for your emotional needs and maybe try and stay friends with this guy.

Flareonsbox · 06/03/2022 20:07

Whatever's wrong with him, it's not up to you to fix or put up with.

This.

You can waste the rest of your years trying to fix him and all his problems or you can get rid and try with someone else.

If your washing machine kept breaking, you would surely eventually give up trying to repair the blasted thing, cut your losses and get another one. I don't see with relationships are any different.

lateral · 06/03/2022 20:08

@Lovemusic33

People are trying to excuse cuntish behaviour using 'on the spectrum' - they can't even say autistic/autism ffs. It's not acceptable.

PiperPosey · 06/03/2022 20:10

My husband is exactly that way. I had a come to Jesus meeting with him and said, " When I cry hold me." ( He agreed he would and he has)
He is my rock...but rocks don't hug.
I just have to remind him sometimes what the appropriate response should be.
He didn't cry when his father died. It's just him. He is a kind, good man who will ask me daily what I need at the store, will do laundry when needed.
But his emotional "gage is off.." I won't label him, but I know he loves me and I love and adore him. He is faithful, doesn't drink, doesn't gamble. I got myself a keeper.
But he wouldn't be a catch to those who want an emotional man.

TheWeeDonkey · 06/03/2022 20:13

Whatever the issue is you're not compatible and he's not meeting your needs. Life is short, find someone who can love you as you deserve to be loved.

inheritancetrack · 06/03/2022 20:13

No matter what his issues are, just end it for the sake of your sanity. If you want love and support and kindness in a relationship...run

Sunnytwobridges · 06/03/2022 20:14
  • You can be attached to someone through familiarity. If there's no spark, if he doesn't seem very caring and emotionally available then I don't think it's going to improve. If he's not encouraging you or giving you any sympathy etc when you need it, I suspect you'll end up feeling lonely whilst in a relationship*

^This.

My ex was very unemotional. If I was sad or upset he wouldn’t react at all. No comforting words or words of encouragement. Didn’t cry it even act sad when his dog and DM died. I’ve been so sick from asthma and had to go to the hospital and not an ounce of emotion , worry, or concern for me. It made me feel really alone in the relationship. I stayed with him for almost 10 years because like pp said he was familiar to me. But I wish I’d left sooner and possibly met someone that made me feel like they cared about me.

And don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with being practical and unemotional but it’s just enough for me.

IWasFunBeforeMum · 06/03/2022 20:15

I'm with a guy who emotionally sounds identical. I have 2 kids so made my peace with it. His whole family are the same. Your boyfriend won't change so if it's bugging you leave him now.

LightSpeeds · 06/03/2022 20:17

I think you'll REALLY regret staying with this lizard if you put up with years of feeling unloved. It's not going to do anything for your sense of self worth. Find the strength to finish it now and find someone with some warmth and a big box of chocolates with your name on it.