I had a night out with a friend last night and I’m feeling awful today, filled with regret over how I’ve behaved. For context, I’m a 33 year old female, married with two children. I also have mental health issues and because of this, I very rarely drink as, although I’ll have fun at the time, it can exacerbate my problems the following day/days.
I’m a really happy drunk and just want to be friends with everyone and have a laugh. While I was drunk we were in a pub and the bar man made a heart shape with his hands. I will add I did not find this bar man remotely attractive. I did a heart sign back whilst laughing about it with my friend.
Today, I feel awful for this. My husband is lovely and although I know it was just a joke, I keep thinking “if I told him I did that, he’d be really hurt”. I now feel like I’m being deceitful if I don’t tell him and I also feel bad that my friend knows I did that and almost like that adds another level of deceit into the mix.
I know this sounds completely irrational. Reading this back, I know I sound crazy, but I do suffer from ocd and part of my ocd is a compulsion to confess. I suppose I’m trying to do that on here rather than confess to my husband and risk really hurting him over something that legitimately was nothing. I’ve just woken up today feeling like I don’t deserve my lovely husband and my two beautiful kids.
Am I as bad of a person as I think I am? I’m really grateful for any replies.