Hate myself after night out

[Beerfear5]

I had a night out with a friend last night and I’m feeling awful today, filled with regret over how I’ve behaved. For context, I’m a 33 year old female, married with two children. I also have mental health issues and because of this, I very rarely drink as, although I’ll have fun at the time, it can exacerbate my problems the following day/days.

I’m a really happy drunk and just want to be friends with everyone and have a laugh. While I was drunk we were in a pub and the bar man made a heart shape with his hands. I will add I did not find this bar man remotely attractive. I did a heart sign back whilst laughing about it with my friend.

Today, I feel awful for this. My husband is lovely and although I know it was just a joke, I keep thinking “if I told him I did that, he’d be really hurt”. I now feel like I’m being deceitful if I don’t tell him and I also feel bad that my friend knows I did that and almost like that adds another level of deceit into the mix.

I know this sounds completely irrational. Reading this back, I know I sound crazy, but I do suffer from ocd and part of my ocd is a compulsion to confess. I suppose I’m trying to do that on here rather than confess to my husband and risk really hurting him over something that legitimately was nothing. I’ve just woken up today feeling like I don’t deserve my lovely husband and my two beautiful kids.

Am I as bad of a person as I think I am? I’m really grateful for any replies.

X-post ...I'm sorry that man made you feel uncomfortable and caused you to cut your night short.

A few things jump out at me in your posts - the uneasy feeling, having to tell your DH these innocuous things, wondering if you deserve your lovely life. Do you having feelings like this regularly? Maybe time to delve into why. I feel sad for you that you are this way after a simple night out with friends. Everyone deserves a night out x

From one who knows, trust me this is OCD. Tell it to f off. Even when that little voice says "but it might not be OCD", tell it to f off some more. Stop seeking reassurance. Stop confessing. Forget about it. Eat your favourite food, put a film on, get an early night and move on

What on Earth 😂 calm down nothing happened!

@Beerfear5 please please listen to me. You are massively overthinking this. You haven’t done anything other than make a heart sign at a guy that you didn’t fancy while having a laugh with your friend.

I totally sympathise with how you are feeling. It is the alcohol from last night I promise you, it’s affecting your anxiety levels - it is a proper thing. Oh if I had a pound for every time it’s happened to me, it’s really really awful.

I promise you later today you will feel differently, rationalise it to be what it actually is and feel much calmer.

Get lots of water and something greasy down you and forget about it!! You are wasting your day worrying about something which really is fuck all - mean that nicely.

Feel better and enjoy your Sunday, you have no reason not too xx

Seriously, even with the update nothing happened. I’ve had similar incidents to you with the bloke putting his arm around you on nights out and did tell DH but only in the context of ‘this absolute creep did xyz’. I wouldn’t feel guilty for a second. The heart thing is completely harmless.

You’ve got the horrors. It will
Pass. If you really need to confess write it down and burn it. You didn’t do anything wrong.

OP you poor thing. It’s absolutely the after affects of alcohol coupled with your anxiety which has magnified everything. You’ve told your husband about the worst thing, that guy putting his arm around you, which btw is nothing to feel bad about. So try and put it to one side. In a few days you will wonder what you were fussing about.
But I totally understand the beer fear. It will pass.

Its Hangxiety

The 'heart' sign has the love implication so I can understand why you're so worried @Beerfear5 and I'm guessing you're thinking how you would be feeling if you found out your partner had done that to someone else while he was out?

I fully expected to read your post and see you’d got off with/shagged someone else!! You’ve done nothing wrong, at all. You’ve got the boozy blues. Bacon sandwich, vat of coffee and forget it. Xx

Umm, that's an incredibly tame night by most people's standards... you're entitled to let your hair down once in a while. And yes people have a little laugh and flirt when they're tipsy... this can't be a new revelation to you surely

You're not bad. You did nothing! It's less bad than even a formal shaking hands, because shaking hands is touching. It was a light bit of drunk silliness, barely worth mentioning!! Please don't worry about it.

I know you're aware of this but please try not to go over and over it again with your husband, the act itself was meaningless but the constant questioning and need for reassurance over the same non-event can be tiring (my sister has the same issue).

Hoping you feel better soon. There's a yogurt advert where people make the finger-heart-sign, it really is very very tame. Children do it to their friends, it's totally innocent xx

I hope you can read these comments and accept that you didn't do anything objectively wrong and that your feelings are just that and will pass. You'll feel better soon.

You can't help how you feel, particularly with compulsive issues, so I won't tell you to pull yourself together but remember, if you actually were a terrible person, you certainly wouldn't be feeling such guilt.

Really? ..... that's your problem...

The heart thing was nothing, just a piece of silliness, nothing to worry about. The other thing, well, you were scared and he took advantage, you dealt with it as soon as you felt able to and you've spoken to your husband so all over and done with. It could have been a different situation but it wasn't so you need to work on your self confidence, even if you didn't want to make a scene you could perhaps have said something like "I'm not that drunk you need to hold me up" in a jokey way and moved out of his touch. Same result, just done in an 'easier' way. Have a lovely day with your DH today and forget it all.

You probably need to stop getting pissed on nights out to this extent

The sign to the barman is a nothing. But the walking with the bloke with his arm round you is you making yourself very vulnerable indeed. Of COURSE the onus is on men to not overstep boundaries etc etc but you also need to take care of yourself and not leave yourself vulnerable in this way.

You're lucky the man that walked with you didn't try anything more with you but you didn't do anything wrong, people flirt but you didn't snog him so nothing to worry about, your anxiety is taking grip of this making feel far worse than you should be, try to laugh about it than think you've done wrong.
Perhaps don't do nights out if it causes this much stress.

Yes it's hangxiety but you also behaved in a way that you're not comfortable with when sober. You do need to moderate your alcohol intake. Are you on antidepressants? They can massively amplify the effect of alcohol.

Hangxiety. Dont worry about it! It's the reason I don't drink anymore.

You sound like my DD who also has OCD and a compulsion to confess. You haven't done anything wrong OP.

You haven't done anything wrong, and everything is fine, I promise.

I get terrible beer fear. After a recent gathering I decided I'd behaved so abominably that one of my best friend obviously hated me and would never speak to me again. The fact that she didn't respond to one 'tester' text was all the evidence I needed.
Because I can't let things lie I decided to send her a massive essay text desperately apologising for my behaviour and begging for forgiveness and how I was hoping we could try and continue to be friends.

She rang me laughing 5 minutes later, whilst I sobbed down the phone because she knew it was beer fear - I'd never had it vocalised before so didn't know it was a thing! She confirmed I'd done absolutely nothing wrong (just been a bit louder than normal) and she hadn't responded to my first text because she was still asleep! She said she always got terrible beer fear and could totally understand how I felt. It's drawn us closer together!
You don't need to confess anything to your husband, but if your OCD is making you please accept this as your confession. We've all forgiven you. Maybe dial back on the alcohol when you do go out as it obviously does cause you some mental health distress. Perhaps go and have one or two but try and leave it at that. Non alcoholic options can be really tasty these days!

Yes it's the fear.

You've done nothing wrong.

Given the effect alcohol has on you then I'd just give it up.

Life tends to be better without alcohol in any case!

Unless you went round the back with the barman, I wouldn't worry about it!