Long marriages - what does love feel like ?

[GeneLovesJezebel]

I’ve been married over 25 years. We’ve had our problems, and I’ve consulted a solicitor in that time, so not a fabulous marriage . Just a normal one I think.
But I’ve been thinking about how love feels after a long marriage. I don’t think I love my DH, I have an affection for him as the father of our kids and due to our long history , but I don’t adore him like I used to. We no longer have sex, so there’s no passion and physical need anymore.
Is it normal to go into a ‘companion’ role, or do others still feel ‘love’ ?

Together nearly 40 years. Still feel a deep love for my dh. We spend more time together now the children are grown up and enjoy each other's company hugely. Each challenge that's been thrown at us has strengthened that bond. It seems like you are wondering if there is more to life.

Hmm that's a hard question, I'm not one of those people who's still crazy in love with my husband (been together 23 years) but we still have a sex life which I very much enjoy when we make the effort. I do love him, he makes me laugh daily and I miss the sex when we go to long without. The thing is I think eventually that companionship may be where you can end up, and I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing provided you are happy with that. I've never felt the need to consult a solicitor, there has never been anything we can't discuss ourselves and work out, so I'm not sure I'd count that as normal. Sorry not an overly helpful answer.

Been we've together 20 years, married for 13. Definitely still feel love and that's never gone away through life's tough times though those times did make us feel more distant at times. Sex is still good though obviously not as 'can't put you down' as it was. There is a lot of mutual respect, communication and all decisions are joint taking into account everyone's needs. If that wasn't happening I don't think the other stuff would be true. It's definitely the foundation that allows the rest.

Nothing to add OP (apologies) but following x

Was married for 24 years and then it all fell apart for numerous reasons and ended in divorce. Now being single, I realise that I wasn't truly happy for a number of years in my marriage. In fact, I was rather bored.
I think you need the same passions in life, good communication and a half decent sex life. We had none of the above.

Non-existent. Married 25 years.
Get on really well. Best friend. No sex - I found that impossible without love.
Divorce will happen at the right time.

I'm fond of my DH but he does irritate me and I often find myself planning to leave. He's self-obsessed and needy, wanting my attention constantly and is very critical of me. He's also kind-hearted, funny, hard-working and sociable. He would probably say of me that I'm argumentative and volatile. It's our 29th wedding anniversary this year which will pass unremarked just as all the others have.

@kennelmaid

I'm fond of my DH but he does irritate me and I often find myself planning to leave. He's self-obsessed and needy, wanting my attention constantly and is very critical of me. He's also kind-hearted, funny, hard-working and sociable. He would probably say of me that I'm argumentative and volatile. It's our 29th wedding anniversary this year which will pass unremarked just as all the others have.

We don’t celebrate anniversaries either. Had a big one in lockdown and nothing was said. I can’t even tell you how many years we’ve been married, I have to work it out every time.

@msc6199

Nothing to add OP (apologies) but following x

You’re welcome to join, I hope the answers help you x

We've been together over 30 years now and it's the opposite of what you describe. Is there a reason you don't have sex OP, Thay must be putting a strain on things?

We've been together over 30 years and the love is definitely still there. The children have now finally left home (delayed by Covid) so we are entering a new stage of our relationship and in some ways it is as fun and exciting exploring this new way of being a couple as the earlier days. We've had our ups and downs, like any couple - mainly when the children were tiny and money was tight, so we appreciate the calm and relative financial stability we have now.

I still fancy him, our sex life is less frequent (mainly due to my tricky menopause) but i still look at him and feel that flutter of desire. We just really enjoy being together, but also have separate friendships and hobbies so it is a lovely balance.

What does it feels like? My husband feels like my home - wherever he is, I am home.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

We've been together over 30 years now and it's the opposite of what you describe. Is there a reason you don't have sex OP, Thay must be putting a strain on things?

After years of him struggling to ejaculate due to antidepressants, and refusing viagra after being told to get it by a psychiatrist, I decided I’d had enough. We are in separate rooms due to his snoring (bliss !) I had a coil put in due to heavy periods, and that, along with peri menopause seems to have taken away any desire. Or perhaps it’s because my body knows it’s not getting it any more. Who knows !

That's really sad that he didn't want to help fix the issue. So no physical affection at all? I would find that unbearable to love with.

DP and I have been together 27 years, 2 adult DS. We still love each other, it's just got deeper. I love how he always makes the best of anything, is totally by my side for anything - but we have space to be us as individuals too. We still have sex, I still fancy him. We are great companion's but it wouldn't be enough.

Been married for 22, together for 26. Very good friends and very grateful for the unconditional support we offer each other.

Don't have a lot of sex; it was never a massive part of our relationship but now it's curtailed even more by a small house with very poor soundproofing between rooms and teenagers up and about at all hours. When we do manage to do it, we definitely feel closer.

I am intrigued to see how kids leaving home over the next few years (one is already at university) will affect our relationship. Weekends with no one else to consider, holidays as a two etc. I am quite looking forward to this next phase of life.

Pretty similar to you tbh.

He's not difficult to live with, and we have common interests so we do stuff together/travel, enjoy each other's company etc, but there's no intimacy anymore.

There have been times when I've felt like it's just not enough, and I've thought of ending the marriage, but there's a lot of other difficult family stuff going on so for now any marital issues are on the back burner.

He is perfectly content in the marriage, he grew up without affection so it doesn't come naturally for him and it's not something he misses, and once a month sex suits him fine (I would prefer more).

Who knows what the future holds for us?

We’ve been married 33 years, married since we were 23. I think marriages go though good and bad times and that is normal, because life gets in the way. We very nearly separated about 10 years ago. Dh had issues stemming from his childhood which became too much for me and I’d had enough. However he went for counselling and it really did help, I’m so pleased we didn’t separate but if he hadn’t got help, we would 100% be divorced now.

I do love him very much and am looking forward to spending our retirement together. He shows me he loves me everyday by the way he treats me and me him.

Regarding sex we’ve had periods where it has been lacking, due to illness, grief and medical reasons but whilst we’re obviously not at it like rabbits like the first 10 years, I can’t imagine never having sex a gin, but some couples could be very happy with that, so it’s a very personal thing.

Been married for 30 years and together for 44 years. My husband is my best friend, we do enjoy each other’s company and spend a lot of time together now we don’t work. We act silly and laugh at each other, we always have something to talk about and there are never any awkward silences. We don’t have sex since DH had triple heart bypass, a couple of years ago, it’s never bothered me and DH says he’s not bothered, we like a cuddle. Both our parents had strained relationships where they just put up with each other, they did care but I don’t think there was any real love.

I've been with my husband for 20 years since our early 20s, before him all I ever had we're crap boyfriends and one night stands, first and only man I've ever actually loved,always will..no one is perfect but he loves me and our children and shows it everyday. We still have a great sex life. We're a team and best friends to. Of course we still have ups and downs, over the years we've nearly gone out separate way a few times due to personal issues but we've always found a way to fix it and we can't imagine being without each other now. Very happy and I hope you find happiness again soon x

We’ve been together for 19 years, married for 14. I would definitely still describe myself as in love with him. He makes me smile and laugh daily. Sex has declined over the years to around 2-3 times a month now, and probably less frequent at times, but I still enjoy it and fancy him.
I am really proud of him, the way he behaves and is kind to our families, works hard, is clever, and wickedly sarcastic. I feel like we’re a team, and I’ve never considered leaving this team.

We've been together over 30 years. He can irritate me hugely and I know I drag him down with my continuous petty health complaints and my chronic low grade depression but we are still a team and he is very much my comfortable place. We don't agree as much politically as we used to but we have the same vision for our future and both of us enjoy planning for it. Sex life is non existent but that is down to my personal issues not him or a lack of desire from him. I suppose it is a comfortable companionship rather than a romance but that suits me. I would like a few more hugs and kisses but that always leads to sex which unfortunately I don't want anymore. I guess dh would answer you differently though.

Similar to you OP. Married 33 years, no sex mainly because I’m not interested and I think we are still together because it’s easier than the alternative.

We’ve been 20 years and I still completely love DH and feel the same way about him. I would be so lost without him as he is such a part of me and a rock and fun too. I love the happiness he brings the DC too as he adores them. I don’t think that you always need the same interests, I love that DH has different ones to me but we all love being together.

Together 30 years. I would say our love has morphed from passionate to deep. He is my best friend and no-one makes me laugh like he does. Really enjoy his company and common interests. Hardly any sex as he is on meds and I am experiencing difficulty with libido and vaginal atrophy. Doesn't seem to matter to us but I am very sad about it. We used to have an amazing sex life.

I do sometimes wonder if this is how marriages fall apart, am I deluding myself? Is it as good as it seems?

Twenty years in and I still feel cherished. I've come to appreciate how he shows love more. He feels safe, still makes me laugh, we have the same goals, still fancy him.