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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I end it because it's too soon?

28 replies

TooMuchDairyMilk · 05/03/2022 22:13

Myself and ex DP split up 4 months ago.
We have 2 children and we're together since 2012. Towards the end he was quite abusive.
Not long after I left I started seeing someone else who I've known a few years.
We've been getting on really well. We've had nights out while ex has had the children, had a couple of hotel stays. It feels very natural and he's been a good confidant. Only my cousin and her partner have met him and she says she can't believe the difference in me, how much happier I seem and how I'm back to my old giggly self. She said that new guy is much easier to talk to and she liked him a lot.
Ex keeps messaging asking if I've slept with anyone. Says he hasn't as he can't just get over me like that?

Should I call it off seen as it is quite quick?

OP posts:
Movingonup22 · 05/03/2022 22:14

Why does it matter what your ex thinks!!!!

Original poster
TooMuchDairyMilk · 05/03/2022 22:16

@Movingonup22 It just makes me feel guilty and that I'm doing wrong or disregarding the last 10 years by seeing him.
I've told 3 close friends and they've all said the same things - they always thought I was too good for him, he got more arrogant over time and spoke down to me and that the like the sound of new guy. Not one has said they were shocked to see it coming or they really liked him.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 05/03/2022 22:17

What does it matter to your ex. What you do now is none of his business

You are happy, kids happy

Just ignore the questions, it’s really non of his business

If he pushes it set some rules, he can only contact you about the kids

Original poster
TooMuchDairyMilk · 05/03/2022 22:24

Thanks all. I do really like new guy and would be quite gutted to call it off as I enjoy his company. But didn't know if thought were that it was too soon or not right with me being with ex so long and us having kids.

OP posts:
Maze76 · 05/03/2022 22:28

Short answer .. No.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 05/03/2022 22:29

I threw my exh out 30th June 2012. Met a man in November.. Been over 9 years. Married 6 and have a ds 7..

Pinkbonbon · 05/03/2022 22:41

It's absolutely none of your exs buisness who you sleep with. I hope you told the cheeky vadtard to mind his own buisness.

New guy sounds great. But I do think that after an abusive relationship you need to be extra careful as your boundaries are not necessarily in the right place. Take things slow, just treat it as a bit of fun and don't rush into anything that isn't easily taken back (eg: living togetherbir introducing him to the kids).

I'd also recommend you do the freedom programme online. And focus on reading up on how to spot abusers. Eg: learn about love bombing and the cycle of abuse.

And continue to learn throughout life on the subject.

Be aware that many abusers are very different from the last one...in the beginning.

I wpuld not have advised you to start dating so soon after abuse. But you've met him now and do far so good so hopefully it will be fine.

But you need seriously to see about checking your boundaries. Because sn emotionally healthy would have told their ex to seriously fuck off when he enquired as to their sex life. Not started to question if their choices were OK.

Maybe see about some councilling for yourself if pos. And look up the grey rock technique for dealing with your ex.

Aimee1987 · 05/03/2022 22:43

No

LadyLolaRuben · 06/03/2022 00:00

Whats in the past is in the past, whether that was 4 days, 4 weeks or 4 months ago.

Enjoy your new relationship but because of your previous abusive partner, keep your wits about you.

I wouldn't be confiding too much in a new partner even if they were previously a friend, you need a fresh start and dont want to take your past with you. Maybe use your girlfriends more for support

2catsandhappy · 06/03/2022 04:12

None of your ex's business. Repeat like a broken record, 'I am not discussing it, did you want to talk about dc?.' Don't fall for any leading comments about how he wants you to be happy, did you go out at the weekend, he heard that you were seeing someone blah blah blah. Change the subject, deflect, cut off, refuse to engage, ignore. If he tries saying, 'Just tell me, I will be fine about it.' He is lying.
What your ex actualy wants is you in mourning for him, living a sexless, chaste. virtuous life, where you are saving yourself for him to come back. He wants options for himself.

Are you sure he knows you two are completely through, done, finished, never starting again ever? He does not sound convinced to me. If he does hear about new bloke he will concentrate and focus on that, overthinking invented, imaginary scenarios. Best he just thinks about his dc.
Enjoy your new bloke guilt free.
No need for your dc to meet him or know there is something between you. Too soon. Too confusing.

DropYourSword · 06/03/2022 04:18

Ex keeps messaging asking if I've slept with anyone. Says he hasn't as he can't just get over me like that?

It's fuck all to do with him. Just say you're not prepared to discuss your private life with him any more, as it's now nothing to do with him. You'll talk about your child only!

Should I call it off seen as it is quite quick?
Hell no, if you're happy!! Only call it off if it's not making you happy. Not because your ex has any opinion on it.

You said he was abusive towards the end. This is an extension of that. He is just controlling you. Or trying to at least. Don't let him!

BOOTS52 · 06/03/2022 07:54

It is none of your exes business what you are doing in your private life and would tell him nothing as controlling behaviour from him. Just keep seeing the new man but would take it slow and do not have the children meet him yet as all too soon. If it is meant to be it will be. No-one really shows their true colours at the beginning so time will tell. Keep your boundaries and have some independence of your own and with the children so you do not grow to depend on this man in the early days. Have fun but take your time and do not tell your ex anything at all. He had his chance and blew it so you are well rid.

AddictedToOlives · 06/03/2022 08:22

Ignore questions from your ex.
Definitely don’t call things off with new guy. But maybe slow things down a bit - you have no need to feel guilty, but could be a bit too soon for you emotionally?
Enjoy your new life

Gonnagetgoing · 06/03/2022 08:26

No way! Don’t end it please!

Ignore what you ex thinks but take it slow.

It may be that as you were with an ex who treated you badly it’s taking you time to appreciate this nice new boyfriend but that’s understandable. Enjoy it! Smile

Balanced12 · 06/03/2022 08:28

Ex's don't get to ask if your having/had sex with anyone else yet. Its completely inappropriate, you do you. I also suggest the freedom programme. Good luck

Gonnagetgoing · 06/03/2022 08:30

Hasn’t been my experience but a friend years ago met her boyfriend young and had her son young too. She started at work when her son started school and met her now husband then. She didn’t have an affair just got friendly with him, no EA. She realised she didn’t love her partner then and she was too young and had settled. Years later she’s with her husband she met at work and very happy.

Rainbowqueeen · 06/03/2022 08:31

He is trying to manipulate you. Just ignore. Only respond to messages about the children.
Also you had probably started to disengage and move on before you officially split up. So the time issue doesn’t necessarily appt from the date you split.

Obviously take the new relationship at the speed you are comfortable with but good on you for getting back to your old self

AuntieStella · 06/03/2022 08:33

Ex keeps messaging asking if I've slept with anyone. Says he hasn't as he can't just get over me like that?

Block him. Have one platform on which you exchange messages about the DC. Simply do not answer anything else.

But yes, 4 months is a short time. So enjoy it, but keep your wits about you. Remember, this is the very early stages of an audition process

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/03/2022 08:33

Ignore the ex, none of his business. He’d be pissed off if you were happy with someone new full stop, whether now or in ten years. It’s irrelevant.

Live your life Smile

GiantSpider · 06/03/2022 08:34

It's fine to keep seeing him, but it's a good idea to take things slowly in this situation.

AlternativePerspective · 06/03/2022 08:40

IMO all the posters urging caution here are only going to add to the OP’s doubts.

Currently she’s happy. There is no reason to believe she’s going back into an abusive relationship, and she’s an adult capable of making her own decisions. It goes without saying that anyone should take any relationship at their own pace.

As for your ex OP, he’s your ex. You’re not having an affair and are free to sleep with whoever you want. I would just ignore his questions, and if he keeps asking tell him it’s none of his business who you do and don’t sleep with.

Pinkbonbon · 06/03/2022 09:23

Well pp it would be sad if she breaks it off with him but if she does so based on doubts because of what her ex has said...then she isn't ready for a new relationship yet anyway. Because she hasn't shook off his control yet.

It's all very well saying 'it goes without saying that anyone should take a relationship at their own pace' but the fact is that many ppl fresh out of abusive relationships cannot currently do this. They are so used to trying to follow the lead and appease the other person, just for a quiet life. They are not in touch with their own needs and may struggle putting their own needs first.

So if someone comes along that wants too much personal time/space/attention from them, they may struggle to say no. Especially if the person passionate and complimentary and seems to be the exact opposite of their ex.

That's why it's prudent to urge caution. Hopefully it won't spook op into breaking up with the new guy but if it does then it should be because she feels she is not ready yet, not because of what her ex says.

But you can absolutely do the reading on how to spot abuse. And get help for codependecy issues (if they are relevant). Whilst still dating. So long as you don't do anything like moving in or having kids with the guy. Just fully commit to learning and any healing you need to do.

Totally agree with pp who suggested not over confiding in new guy just yet. I'd try to keep it fun and light. And if the fun stops, stop, as they say.

unicornsarereal72 · 06/03/2022 16:19

Just reply that isnt any of your concern. Discuss only about the children. Pick up times etc. And keep those boundaries.

Then go and have fun

almond123 · 06/03/2022 16:25

Matthew Hussey does a great line in this....

youtube.com/shorts/WRE9b3bApkA?feature=share

nancybotwinbloom · 06/03/2022 17:00

No absolute not.

Your happy. Why would you end something for someone that didn't make you happy, can't make you happy and by the sounds of it has no intention of making you happy.

Time is just our life flying by.

So what if your ex isn't happy. Would he stop seeing someone to make you happy?? I'd lay money he wouldn't.

Enjoy it and stop worrying about your ex.

I was friends with my DH when I split with my ex h, I'd known my now DH a long time beforehand. We started chatting to each other more over text after about five months of me leaving my ex. Dating after a month of that, then he moved in two years later. Married a few years after that.

Best move I ever made.