Friends with benefits - can it ever work?

[springflowerss]

Just that, really.

I’ve slept with a friend of mine a few times. It’s great - we chat and kiss and laugh and have sex but neither of us want anything else. I know him and I know absolutely that he will not want to be tied down to anything and neither will I. I’m obviously attracted to him and him to me, but that’s as far as it goes.

I can’t foresee this running into problems because of us as individuals but is this incredibly naive?

in the short term it can work very well mine did and then we both met other people that were going to be long term so parted amicably as friends

The one time I did it, it worked very well. We were completely honest from the start, set out the terms for how it would work and eventually he met someone and that was the end of it. She was someone I knew, a lovely person, and she was happy for me and him to meet up and do things that weren't part of her interest - the trust was complete. I'm still friends with both of them though they are no longer together.

That’s encouraging! Thank you. I hope it works out at least short term because dating is awful and I don’t want to be with anyone, but this gives me intimacy without any expectations.

@Isseywith3witchycats

in the short term it can work very well mine did and then we both met other people that were going to be long term so parted amicably as friends

I don't understand how you can really get on with someone, enjoy they company, fancy them and have great sex but not want to date them but then go and date someone else. No judgement. Genuinely curious

I don't see how it could ever work tbh.

I think it is rare that neither party don't want something more, ( normally one does, one doesn't, in my experience).

I think people often feel very hurt and rejected when one party meets another.

I also think it's part of a toxic culture where women are expected to have sex without the man having to put any effort into being there boyfriend.

I often think it's most common use is a way for men to get "no strings sex" from vulnerable women.

chattycaterpillar I think you underestimate the number of women who would quite like a sex only situation without all the emotional strings of 'a relationship'. Lots of us like having sex for its own sake, you know. I will never enter into another relationship after the way my marriage went, but a FWB situation would suit me perfectly.

I'm all up for getting 'no strings sex' from some man. Preferably not a vulnerable one. Your attitude is pretty patronising.

It’s completely worked for me in the past with two guys. Both over years and years.

I think it can work the trouble is when people start developing feelings which usually happens (mainly the woman)

My fwb and I worked out just fine. He was a lovely person and an honest one too.

We were both too long in the tooth to believe we had a long term future. While he made me laugh and was very attractive to me, he could be reckless. And he just loved women. He gave me some of the best advice I've ever received. He said that there were two types of "womaiser". Those who loved women, and those that hated them. And to be very careful which type I got involved with.I

Eventually, he fell in love with a much younger woman. Not unreasonably she asked him not to see me again. I was fine with that, I was happy for him.

They married and had two children. She s

Yes, definitely BUT you both have to genuinely be on the same page and be totally open as regards expectations etc. Having firm boundaries around ‘catching feelings’ is crucial too.

You also have to accept the flipside of the ‘benefit’ — if the arrangement falls apart, for whatever reason, you lose a friend.

@turnaroundtime in my case it was that circumstances at the time we couldnt have become what people call a couple and a once a week meet up suited us and then rest of the week get on with our own lives

As I was saying, she sent me Xmas cards for a few years. They went on to have two children. He sadly died when the children were quite young. I hope those children inherited some of his charm and charisma.

It's worked very well for me both in the past and now. My current fwb situation is perfect for both of us.

I had a friend, in fact the first person I ever slept with, where that was our deal for a bit. It helped that we lived 100 miles apart, and in other ways we just came from such different worlds that we'd never have been an 'item'. Still a very dear friend of mine (and now of my husband's as well!)

I don't think you can outsource your thinking on this to the crowd.

Everybody's different. Some women are very happy with their arrangements, others will eventually get emotionally attached. Just know that orgasm releases oxytocin which is in couples, helps people bond to each other. Women generate a lot more of it than men during orgasm.

Have had several over the years. It’s always been fine - friendship + sex in most cases (one really was just shagging).

You have to be very honest with yourself - don’t start it with someone you’d secretly like to date, or you suspect wants to date you. But as an adult over the age of 25 you should know the difference.
Also I do find they have a shelf life of about 2 years. Dunno why.

I have had several FWBs in the past, it worked perfectly well for me, and I never 'wanted more'. Some women can't do it without developing feelings, but as you can see from this thread, there are women who enjoy sex for its own sake.

I think there have been a few, what l would call, gender stereotype assumptions up thread. As always, women are not a herd and we all think and feel differently.

OP, l think it is really positive that you are with someone first and foremost, who is a friend, rather than a random individual you have met on line. Hopefully that friendship encompasses trust and respect.

It’s important to communicate with each other, not let your emotions go out of control and enjoy it for what it is.

Personally, l think 2 friendships work better than one in such situations, but that maybe a separate issue.

Take care and enjoy a little quality time together out of the bedroom too. 🌷

One of you will always start to feel more attached in the end. But you are already doing it so crack on. 🤷‍♀️

They can and do work, however clear boundaries are important. However feelings can and do often develop, so it's just dependent on what happens when that does.
I married my fwb 😅

Yep, it can work. Still remember my fwb from over 20 years ago

I also think it's part of a toxic culture where women are expected to have sex without the man having to put any effort into being there boyfriend.

I often think it's most common use is a way for men to get "no strings sex" from vulnerable women.

@chattycaterpillar I think that’s selling women a bit short, really. I get what you’re saying, but it’s not like I want him to be my boyfriend, I just want to have sex with him. Plenty of women are the same as me. I understand that it’s about a wider analysis and not just the individual but I still have to disagree with you there.

@HoliHormonalTigerlilly

One of you will always start to feel more attached in the end. But you are already doing it so crack on. 🤷‍♀️

Not always, actually.

I’ve had FWBs over the last 15 years or more, and have two on the go at the moment. No hurt feelings or unfulfilled emotions involved.
They require honesty and integrity to work, but they certainly can work very well.

Yes it can work. I've had a few during my single days. They were existing close male friends and I didn't want any more than friendship and sex.

The people.who say no it never works mean it doesn't or.wouldnt work for them but if it works for you then, yes, why not?

I had fwb for 4 years. I had two rules. Don't ask questions and don't overstay your welcome.
Sadly he ended up braking both rules. Shame. Good while it lasted.