Friends with benefits - can it ever work?

[springflowerss]

Just that, really.

I’ve slept with a friend of mine a few times. It’s great - we chat and kiss and laugh and have sex but neither of us want anything else. I know him and I know absolutely that he will not want to be tied down to anything and neither will I. I’m obviously attracted to him and him to me, but that’s as far as it goes.

I can’t foresee this running into problems because of us as individuals but is this incredibly naive?

breaking

Not for me. I've had plenty of casual sex in my past but if I liked and fancied them enough to keep on seeing them then I'd start developing feelings and want more. It only worked for me when I wasn't really that fussed, found them attractive enough for a quick shag but wasn't really bothered what they were doing when not with me and knew it couldn't go anywhere anyway. I had a young guy I used to have sex with after nights out when I was in my mid 20s, he was younger than what he originally told me and he thought he was my boyfriend. Had to quickly end that one but it ended up not being as no strings as I thought.

@HoliHormonalTigerlilly

One of you will always start to feel more attached in the end. But you are already doing it so crack on. 🤷‍♀️

Nope, never happened with any of my previous ones, or my current one. Still keep in touch with my previous ones on a 'hi how's life?' type basis because when the sex fizzled put the friendship went back to being platonic. No harm done. I only have a tiny group of friends and 3 of them used to be fwb but are now just regular mates. All good.

Some of us can have sex and like a person without wanting to have a full on relationship with them. It's as simple as that really. If a fwb asked for more, I'd say no. That would be that. So far it hasn't happened.

And for those who were talking about it meaning the guy gets to have sex with minimal effort, well so does the woman. The effort is equally minimal. I text my current fwb for a hook up if he's available, he does the same. If one of us isn't available it doesn't happen.

We keep in touch about mundane crap, interesting crap, sometimes just get a coffee and go home alone, sometimes we meet up with a couple of other people and just see a movie and go our separate ways, and sometimes we fuck. That's it really. I don't get how people can't understand it. I've known this guy for years, care about his well-being like I would any friend, but if he texted me today saying he'd met someone and the benefits part of our friendship was finished, I'd be genuinely pleased for him and then get on with my day 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm sure for some people feelings do develop and it gets messy. So never get into a fwb situation with someone you actually want to date and progress with would be my advice. And if the guy starts to develop feelings, then decide if you'd like to explore a relationship. If the answer is no then that's it, no more benefits as it's not fair to string him along.

@pointythings

chattycaterpillar I think you underestimate the number of women who would quite like a sex only situation without all the emotional strings of 'a relationship'. Lots of us like having sex for its own sake, you know. I will never enter into another relationship after the way my marriage went, but a FWB situation would suit me perfectly.

I'm all up for getting 'no strings sex' from some man. Preferably not a vulnerable one. Your attitude is pretty patronising.

Totally agree. I had a FWB arrangement in my first year at university until I met my future husband. Enjoyed it immensely and never ever felt "vulnerable" !.

Just because I had a fanny, didn't prevent me for thinking and taking responsibility for myself.

@springflowerss

That’s encouraging! Thank you. I hope it works out at least short term because dating is awful and I don’t want to be with anyone, but this gives me intimacy without any expectations.

What do you mean by" intimacy " though? Do you mean pure sex or more as in feelings ? If it's just sex why not just say that? It's like you are embarrassed to say it as it is?

Of course it can work. It falls down when people develop unreasonable expectations of each other and where they don't communicate.

What do you mean by" intimacy " though? Do you mean pure sex or more as in feelings ? If it's just sex why not just say that? It's like you are embarrassed to say it as it is?

Uhhh… not sure how I’m “embarrassed” when I literally said up thread that I don’t want him to be my boyfriend, I just want to have sex with him

By intimacy I mean sex, obviously, but also the cuddling and chatting in between having sex. Not feelings. I understand how some people (not you necessarily) could struggle to understand how you can have those things and not have feelings for someone but I guess sometimes it’s just like that.

It worked for me for a short while. We'd meet up at the end of separate nights out and he'd come back to mine, we'd have a drink, usually watch some comedy and then have great sex. Bacon rolls in the morning and then off he'd pop until the next time.

I admit I was a bit miffed when it ended as he met someone else, but it was because he suddenly ghosted me and I found out from someone else. I thought he'd have had the respect for me / balls to tell me straight, so maybe that's a discussion worth having for you about expectations and respect if either of you want to stop the arrangement.

They're still together a few years on and I met someone too, so alls well that ends well. We're friendly if we bump into each other.

It works for me and my fwb.
We have a laugh but aren't emotionally attached.

I've been in a FWB type relationship for 6 years, we share absolutely nothing apart from our bodies and I didn't even realise until recently that this was the case. Not exactly what I wanted, but we've got this far so something must be going right

@AHungryCaterpillar

I think it can work the trouble is when people start developing feelings which usually happens (mainly the woman)

This would be me and why a FWB arrangement would never work for me.

You have to be able to separate sex and love, because they're not one and the same. For me it works because I've had 2 bloody awful serious relationships and I'll never put myself in that position ever again. I know myself and I know that's not going to change.

Some would say that sex with someone you're emotionally connected to is better, but for me sex with a fwb is better BECAUSE there's no emotional baggage. I'm still captain of my own ship. I'm not dealing with someone's after work grumps or navigating in laws or blending a new partner in with my kids or whatever. So it stays fun and passionate and unpredictable.

I'm also bi, so I've had female fwb, and the first one after my marriage ended was a transwoman who I now call my best friend. She's found herself a lovely boyfriend and I'm over the moon for her.

My current one is a man and he works away a lot (internationally) so has never settled down as he knows he couldn't give someone the kind of relationship they deserve. No, he's not feeding me a line and actually married, he really is just a single bloke with needs that suit my own. And if he ever does decide to settle down I'll be the first one to congratulate him because he's a lovely bloke.

Some would say that sex with someone you're emotionally connected to is better, but for me sex with a fwb is better BECAUSE there's no emotional baggage. I'm still captain of my own ship. I'm not dealing with someone's after work grumps or navigating in laws or blending a new partner in with my kids or whatever. So it stays fun and passionate and unpredictable.

This. I went out with a guy last night who is pretty awesome in bed, but I don't want an actual relationship with him. We had a conversation thr other day where he said he couldn't have sex without intimacy, and TBH, I am not quite sure what he means. We talk most days, and often it's about work or whatever else has been going on, rather than sex (though we do talk about that, too.) I do like him - I wouldn't be having sex with someone I didn't like or respect. But I don't love him or want to spend my life with him, and I'm pretty sure we're matched on that.

@EBearhug that sounds exactly like the fwb I currently have, and the ones I've had before. I wouldn't be friends or having sex with someone I didn't like. But I don't love him, wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him, nor him me 🤷🏻‍♀️

[quote Isseywith3witchycats]@turnaroundtime in my case it was that circumstances at the time we couldnt have become what people call a couple and a once a week meet up suited us and then rest of the week get on with our own lives[/quote]
But then you both went on to meet abs date other people. Why not each other?

@user1471453601

As I was saying, she sent me Xmas cards for a few years. They went on to have two children. He sadly died when the children were quite young. I hope those children inherited some of his charm and charisma.

So he was too long in the tooth and too much a self confessed lover of women to be in a relationship with you but then went off and had a relationship with a much younger woman? Didn't that make you feel rejected and not got enough??

@turnaroundtime maybe just accept that other people are able to have fwb situations?

“Don’t you feel AWFUL he went off with a younger woman???”

It's hard to both be on the same page.

My experience was that the person I was happy to be fwb with - I liked him, he is nice and enjoyed a close fwb type thing. But he wanted a proper relationship and I didn't think it was fair on him.

Another time, it was fun but I could see me wanting more so I ended it as he was just out of a marriage and he didn't want anything serious.

I've seen friends be really hurt because they have accepted fwb better than nothing, but that has stopped them from meeting someone.

But as long as you're sure you're both on the same page, then I think it's great.

@turnaroundtime

In my case my fwb was lovely and good in bed and we were great friends but he was totally obsessed with football, home and away matches, watched it all the time, talked about it nonstop. We had a lovely friendship and sex but I wouldn't want a relationship with him to just end up being one of the women on here complaining about being a hobby widow. So we both dated other people.

I did it last year with a friend.
We were born attracted to each other, got on really well but not in the place to have a relationship.
We talked, hung out and had fun. It lasted long enough but feelings started to change. We were really good friends so would confide in each other so it kinda started to feel like a relationship. We decided to call it quits and if I’m honest it really hurt because j missed him.
We had ‘rules’ set up and agreed to different things. He went out on a couple of dates but it didn’t bother me at the time. At the end I was relieved we ended it because I reckon it would have turned into a relationship that we were not readh for.
Back to being friends again but it’s a bit limited now as we’ve backed off to give each other space!