Hello, I'm new on here , just joined out of desperation and needing some support. I'm ashamed to say I've been with my husband 20 years and we have older teenagers now. Ashamed because I'm quite a headstrong opinionated person in many ways but I have been in this dysfunctional, toxic marriage and seem to put up with it and never make any steps to leave. It's particularly bad atm and for approx 2-3 years. It's never been great but up and down. He has got worse the last few years ( in his 40's). I've always supported his career and hobbies and flexed around him with my own work to raise our children. He's verbally abusive not physically but in some ways I wish I had some bruises or evidence. He makes me feel like I'm going crazy ( word salad and gaslighting tactics) although I've been documenting the last years abuse on my notes on my phone. I've also been watching you tube videos and realise... ahh that's what he's doing re gaslighting/ emotional abuse.
Does anyone have any advice in terms of me staying with him- at least until my children have gone to University? The most recent 'explosion' has come from me being more assertive and responding/ communicating that it's not ok to speak to me like that etc... but it then escalates and he turns really mean. Examples:
I'm just like his sister ( she's renowned for being dreadful)
It's embarassing (me)
Pathetic
Oversensitive/ offended by everything
You talk and talk and talk
You spend and spend and spend
Demeaning hand gestures
Mimics me
Says 'ask the kids that's what you do, ask your mother'
Shouts more if I cry or have a panic attack
He spends his life pandering to me apparently
The constant phrase is 'what are you doing??'- he means verbally answering or expressing something ( nothing physical that i'm doing)
He used to call me a retard 20 years ago. I warned him never to say that again ( which he doesn't) but I think the 'what are you doing' phrase is just an alternative. He also says I want to argue yet he always diffuses because he says what he wants and then walks off. He also can have an awful argument and sleep soundly really quickly. And I'm up crying or leave the house for a walk.
Very rarely apologises- rare time he has because he has no choice or it's insincere
He has threatened today to tell everyone that this thing I had to cancel ( because after our recent argument I'm emotionally weak) is because I downed a bottle of wine. ( untrue although I did drink but he drank too). He often blames me for any comment / disagreement on the fact I've had a drink.
So I obviously need to not drink- I'm actually a happy drinker with everyone else. But so he won't use it against me. I have to try and not cry because he will say to my boys I'm nuts. He uses triangulation too.
I'm wondering how I could record him because last nights torrid of abuse was really awful? ( he's not sorry). I realise I'm not perfect and moody sometimes but im really open about feelings etc and happy to self reflect.
We are in the middle of renovating a house so am unable to leave- plus my younger child would hate me for it. My older one does see how he is.
Really sorry for long post! Any advice gratefully received. Just connecting with others in a similar position I think will help me.
Also any counselling that is free and he controls the money