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Original poster

Can sexual attraction come back?

42 replies

Midnightsnack · 05/03/2022 18:31

Is there anyway to revive from being on the brink of no return or is it a dead end? Me and my dp have been together for only 3 years. We are both in our young twenties and have had 2 dc. Our relationship has come with many struggles and all of our problems defiently put a strain on my attraction and feelings towards sex with him. We then had two children and of course birth and parenting didnt help. Also dp is quite a selfish inexperienced lover in bed so our sex life had never been amazing and quite one sided.

We have got to a stable point in our relationship now and both have agreed our sex life needs major working on. Problem is that im too comfortable with him to have see him in a sexual way anymore. On the flip side though in sexual acts I feel very uncomfortable with him, and overly self conscious. As you can imagine that is no way a sexy mood setter. Its like sex has become more of a task that i am hyoer aware that we need to do and are missing out on. We feel more like friends in that department. When we try to do anything I cant take it seriously, or get in the mood at all.

This hasnt been helped or encouraged by dps constant lack of change. I voice to him what I need/dont need in the bedroom but he never takes it on board. He always quick to jumo the gun, skip foreplay and instead gropes me down there. Most the time when we have sex its a quickie, I end up feeling abit raw and sore after and he rolls over and sleeps after a 3 min climax. Its all tragic really. Ive told him i need building up to, but it falls on deaf ears.

I want to get in touch with my sexuality again. I feel stripped of it and feel cheated as I've never really had "amazing sex" (no one has ever made me finish) and im just too young to feel so defeated by it all being 24. Dp complained the other day that when he touches me now he gets no reaction from it and it is true, i dont feel anything when he touches me. My libido has been stripped from me since becoming a full time mum. My youngest is just turning 1.

Is this it for us? We have gone through such major big issues that I cant believe nor want to imagine sex being the thing that finalises us. Especially when im not even that bothered by it (yet somehow I am always the only one caring about it which annoys me in itself). I would be so angry if we broke up our lives and family over this but also on the flip side I am tired and found this situation depressing to be in. I feel that im missing out and fantasize about having a one night stand with someone just to see if I can revive those feelings I crave and miss so much.

Please any tips or stories on how you managed to get the attraction and spark back.

We have tried the going on dates(as much as you can do with dc) massages, naked cuddling to no avail!

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 05/03/2022 18:34

Tbh I'm not sure. Attraction can probably come back, we all have phases in life where it comes and goes, but given the quality of your sex life do you really want it too?!
I'm a lot older than you. Trust me when I say do NOT settle for an appalling sex life. Which is exactly what you have, with a partner who doesn't care that it is terrible for you as long as he gets to empty his balls. Honestly good sex with a man you love and fancy is incredibly worth it. You are only young!

Original poster
Midnightsnack · 05/03/2022 18:39

@OrlandointheWilderness i know im young but I cant ever justify breaking apart my two childrens lives just because of my sex life (or lack off). Yes it is depressing but I can't and would not be happy with myself for being selfish and putting my sexual needs before my dc

OP posts:
Original poster
Midnightsnack · 05/03/2022 18:41

I feel like the luxury of exploring my sex life and men has long gone since becoming a mum.

I want to get married and settle down with my dp. But I wish we could have what every couple should have and find it so unfair we dont. I keep waiting for it to magically return on its own but after a long and jard year we have both concluded its not going to happen without alot of help

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 05/03/2022 18:42

You never had a good sex life and now it's dead there is nothing to revive.
You absolutely can end a marriage because of lack of sex. You're missing out on a hugely important part of life.

SomePosters · 05/03/2022 18:43

I mean it can if it’s just been sidelined in a busy life

But it sounds like the way he interacts with you sexually is an ongoing turn off. Each association making it worse

It won’t get better unless he stops seeing you as a wank sock to empty himself into

Invest in toys and pleasure yourself if you’re not willing to leave and find someone who treats you better

SomePosters · 05/03/2022 18:44

Good grief!

Why one earth would you be thinking about marrying him?!?

Stop thinking with our ovaries and start working on your self worth woman!

You deserve better

Original poster
Midnightsnack · 05/03/2022 18:47

@SomePosters i dont think my self worth lies inbetween my legs though.

I want to get married to him because Ive had children with this man, want to have another sometime and have committed to him and this family. We have come out of the other end of hardships together and both want to be together.

I just need some direction and was hoping this thread would entice some positive stories with the same struggle

OP posts:
Duracellbunnywannabe · 05/03/2022 18:50

I was going to say yes, with young children and life it’s easy to lose your sex drive and then rediscover it later. But this is different, it sounds like your DP has no concern about you enjoying sex and he has little/no respect for you. I don’t think anyone in this situation would want to have sex with him.

Faevern · 05/03/2022 18:50

Are this numbers right, your youngest is almost one and you’ve been together 3 so 2 children in 2 years did your sex life ever get off the ground? Did you ever enjoy it, if not, it’s not going to come back.

Faevern · 05/03/2022 18:52

Does he agree that he needs help to improve your sex life or only that you do OP? Are there any cultural pressures here?

EarthSight · 05/03/2022 18:53

He sounds lazy, selfish and entitled. He's not having sex with you by the sounds of it - he's masturbating with your body, which is a different thing.

Dp complained the other day that when he touches me now he gets no reaction

No wonder he doesn't get a reaction.

SomePosters · 05/03/2022 18:53

I didn’t say your self worth lies between your legs

This man does not care about your pleasure

He uses you to masturbate

You are worth more than that

Just because your ovaries like him doesn’t make him a good husband!

StanleyGreen · 05/03/2022 18:54

You can bet your OH doesn't have a thread anywhere asking for how to improve his sexual performance. Why? Because he doesn't care about your enjoyment. Doesn't that bother you? You've tried addressing it with him and still nothing, and yet he can't understand why you're not keen to allow him to have sex on you. And that's what it is, it's not with you is it?
That is not the act of a loving partner, it's the act of a selfish man who views you as someone to use for his own needs. Don't you actually believe you deserve more?

Gowithme · 05/03/2022 18:55

I think you have to take control a lot more and say no a lot more until he has put the effort into foreplay. Don't allow him to have a quickie, if he wants to get near you with his cock then he needs to put the effort in first.
I think though that you should have sorted this out before you had two children with him, you've only been together 3 years and it sounds like most of it has been hard work tbh. It sounds like you probably should never have been together in the first place - oh and inexperienced and selfish aren't the same thing, you can be inexperienced and still put lots of effort into the other person.

Original poster
Midnightsnack · 05/03/2022 18:59

@Faevern i did enjoy it in the "honeymoon period" being the first couple of months.but i got pregnant quite quickly into our relationship and problems arose. Even back then though dp was never an imaginative or amazing lover i'd say. He was alot more attentive back then though, now i feel lile he uses me for his fix and there is no inclusion of my wants or needs. So i have stopped giving him a bj or hand job. Consequently our sex life has amounted to simply just quickies once every couple of months.

Dps sex routine has always been the sampe. Grope my boobs for minutes then try to grope me down there and then sex. He lacks initiative as I'm usually always the one to start something. Its really annoying and always causes for a predictable and bland sex life. When i ask him why he cant put some initiation in he says he doesnt know where to start. I said surely any start is better than none. At this point is just laughable

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/03/2022 19:00

I agree that during sex you need to say "stop", "no" and tell them the next 3 years it's about "ladies first" every time you have sex as he's had 3 years of him having his needs met and yours ignored.

Original poster
Midnightsnack · 05/03/2022 19:01

@SomePosters my ovaries dont like him very much at the moment though thats the problem! Its only my heart that does

OP posts:
ValBiro · 05/03/2022 19:03

Do you still fancy him OP?

Undecidedandtorn · 05/03/2022 19:03

If your both prepared to make some effort sure. But it doesn't sound like he is. Would you consider the both of you going to relate? I think sometimes hearing from a 3rd party that you need to make an effort is helpful

GreMay1 · 05/03/2022 19:05

There's 2 seperate issues here OP. You have mentioned the sexual attraction being one issue (that's probably boils down to personality and how he treats you). Does he pull his weight with the kids and the house?

You are far too young for this so you have never finished with him? I agree with the other poster please put your foot down and tell him you want to go FIRST BEFORE HE finishes.

RandomMess · 05/03/2022 19:05

Perhaps you should buy a book/manual and actually work through the techniques together?

He is either clueless and needs help or doesn't care about your needs.

Original poster
Midnightsnack · 05/03/2022 19:09

@ValBiro ahh thats a hard one. Somw times I do have moments where I loom at him and for a split second its like i see him through fresh eyes and i feel very attracted to him. But it is only ever fleeting. I fancy him more when we arent being sexual. When he tries to be sexual with me i lose all feelings towards him because im too overwhlemed with how awkward/uncomfortable it all feels.

OP posts:
Prettynails · 05/03/2022 19:15

I think you need to sit him down and say you have a problem - sex hurts and that’s a turn off for me. I’ve tried talking to you and you ignore me. I feel like a doll for you to grope and use and I do not sexually feel fulfilled.

Then deep breathe I want to give you, and us chance to work on this but if you grab my boobs and grab me between the legs and think that’s good enough for me to orgasm - it isn’t.

Choice two counselling to put through a third party eg relate the issues

Either way if he won’t listen either marry him and resign yourself for it getting worse over the next 60 years or get out.

PoleFairy · 05/03/2022 19:18

I dont think this is your fault at all but I will ask anyway, have you recently gone on hormonal contraception? When i went on the pill I still loved my (now husband) but him touching me made my skin crawl, sex did nothing for me. I hated it and didn't fancy him at all. 11 years later (yes 11! How did we continue through this!) We started trying for a baby so I came off the pill last August and it's like a black cloud has been lifted. I love him touching me now. I fancy him. I WANT sex. I'm never, ever going on the pill again (partly because I dont actually appear to need contraception Hmm).

I do think he needs to make an effort though. Tease you with toys, make an effort this foreplay for you etc.

Brightandyoung · 05/03/2022 19:18

I had this OP - no sexual attraction at all - but I put up with it for years because of the kids.

Eventually I left because I fell for someone else (I didn’t act on it). But this was many years later, when our children were older and as a result I think they suffered much more.

I don’t think you’re going to get this back and given his attitude I think it’s only going to get worse. Thinking purely of your dc, it would be better if you left now.

Thinking purely of you, it would also be better if you left now.