Can sexual attraction come back?

[Midnightsnack]

Is there anyway to revive from being on the brink of no return or is it a dead end? Me and my dp have been together for only 3 years. We are both in our young twenties and have had 2 dc. Our relationship has come with many struggles and all of our problems defiently put a strain on my attraction and feelings towards sex with him. We then had two children and of course birth and parenting didnt help. Also dp is quite a selfish inexperienced lover in bed so our sex life had never been amazing and quite one sided.

We have got to a stable point in our relationship now and both have agreed our sex life needs major working on. Problem is that im too comfortable with him to have see him in a sexual way anymore. On the flip side though in sexual acts I feel very uncomfortable with him, and overly self conscious. As you can imagine that is no way a sexy mood setter. Its like sex has become more of a task that i am hyoer aware that we need to do and are missing out on. We feel more like friends in that department. When we try to do anything I cant take it seriously, or get in the mood at all.

This hasnt been helped or encouraged by dps constant lack of change. I voice to him what I need/dont need in the bedroom but he never takes it on board. He always quick to jumo the gun, skip foreplay and instead gropes me down there. Most the time when we have sex its a quickie, I end up feeling abit raw and sore after and he rolls over and sleeps after a 3 min climax. Its all tragic really. Ive told him i need building up to, but it falls on deaf ears.

I want to get in touch with my sexuality again. I feel stripped of it and feel cheated as I've never really had "amazing sex" (no one has ever made me finish) and im just too young to feel so defeated by it all being 24. Dp complained the other day that when he touches me now he gets no reaction from it and it is true, i dont feel anything when he touches me. My libido has been stripped from me since becoming a full time mum. My youngest is just turning 1.

Is this it for us? We have gone through such major big issues that I cant believe nor want to imagine sex being the thing that finalises us. Especially when im not even that bothered by it (yet somehow I am always the only one caring about it which annoys me in itself). I would be so angry if we broke up our lives and family over this but also on the flip side I am tired and found this situation depressing to be in. I feel that im missing out and fantasize about having a one night stand with someone just to see if I can revive those feelings I crave and miss so much.

Please any tips or stories on how you managed to get the attraction and spark back.

We have tried the going on dates(as much as you can do with dc) massages, naked cuddling to no avail!

It sounds like you both need to go back to basics. He needs to educate himself on sex and your body - get some books, videos and watch together ! Start the whole thing again x

OP, I asked only because it's very hard to have sex with someone you don't fancy. For you I mean, not him.

I was in a sexless relationship once (with the father of my first child), I didn't fancy him and his touch made my skin crawl. But there were other factors that contributed to this (DV, so I also hated him on top of finding him really unattractive!)

I still fancy the pants off my husband of 11 years. Sex happens a lot less than it did at the start, but I am still very much attracted to him and without that, I think sex would completely dry up (unfortunate turn of phrase!)

You are so young to be in a relationship like this. I totally appreciate you'd feel selfish for ending things with the father of your children over this, but it sounds like you are in more of a friend zone than a romantic partnership. It would take a lot to bring you back from that, but it sounds like it was never there to begin with.

I'm sorry OP, I feel for you.

You never had a good sex life and you never will. This is dead in the water.

Marrying him now would be nuts. You made a mistake in having two DC with him, but doubling down and trying to make it work regardless will just turn you into a pit of seething misery and resentment. It will poison everything between you.

This relationship didn't and doesn't work. The only choice left is when you end it.

The only choice left is when you end it.

I agree. End it now or end it in a few years when the dc are older and even more aware. I know what I’d do.

I might have a different view to some here, as I've had a different sexual "career". I had a "vanilla" marriage then in the last 3 years realised I have a strongly kinky (submissive) side. Being blunt, my sexual turn on IS being used by a man for his pleasure. But ONLY with the right man.

Leaving the physical / sexual mechanics aside, though, I think what I've realised is that, for me, a lot of sexual desire is about respect. Not, necessarily about love or affection (you can love friends, children, pets etc). But about respect.

Do you respect your OH? Is he someone you look up to? Do you admire him for what he does, in general and for you and his kids? Or is he more the "best friend" type?

Also some celeb (Sting?) was once ridiculed for saying he made love for 8 hours. He corrected people by saying thst the process takes 8 hours. So, for example, he makes his OH a coffee in the afternoon, takes her out for a meal, holds the car door open, etc etc. Does your OH realise thst sex starts waaaaaay before the bedroom?

And I deeply understand your desire to hold your family together and have the structure you dreamed of (I'd love that too). But realistically unless HE wants to change your sex life too, it never will change 🤗🤗🤗

My youngest is nearly 1 too ( and an awful sleeper) so I understand what you are going through as a couple. However, it doesn't sound like the spark and sexual attraction was there in the beginning? You can't really retrieve something which wasn't there in the first place. Your partner sounds really cluess how sex works for women which is fine as long as he is open to learn and improve but he doesn't sound like he is up for the task. You are so so young. Do you really want this man for the next 60 years to have an awful sex? Would you advise that to your daughter if she is in your shoes?

Sting said he practiced tantric sex I don’t think the OPs DP sounds like he has time for that. However spending time kissing, cuddling, caressing without sex may be a good way to reintroduce intimacy.

@Faevern

You made me look it up now! 😆

"He then quipped, 'Seven hours includes movie and dinner,' generating more laughs."

www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2806361/Seven-hours-includes-movie-dinner-Sting-clarifies-infamous-comments-tantric-sex-Trudie-Styler-twenty-four-years-on.html

I hate to be negative but I was in a long term relationship and felt similar. Eventually it got worse and worse and even just hun touching me made me feel sick. I refused to kiss him- I just didn't fancy him anymore. There was no coming back.

I thought I'd lift my sex drive but actually it was just him- now I have a great sex life with someone I'm way more into. Sometimes your body just knows.

I think when you have very small children it's normal to feel like this. It usually does come back, when you're getting more sleep and you feel less pawed by children as they get older.

However, there is nothing to get back here, is there? The sex has always been bad and he has no interest in your sexual pleasure at all.

@pinkprettyroses

I hate to be negative but I was in a long term relationship and felt similar. Eventually it got worse and worse and even just hun touching me made me feel sick. I refused to kiss him- I just didn't fancy him anymore. There was no coming back.

I thought I'd lift my sex drive but actually it was just him- now I have a great sex life with someone I'm way more into. Sometimes your body just knows.

Exactly the same here. I even went to counselling because I had no libido. It turned out he just repulsed me. Now I have an amazing sex life with someone else.

IMO once you can’t bring yourself to kiss him there’s no going back.

If you've only been together 3 years it's probably not a good sign that you're already feeling like this. Although having young children has an impact.
I'm in a similar position but I've been with my DH for 15 years and were each other's firsts. Our sex life has never been great, I've always thought we just weren't sexually compatible or that I just wasn't that sexual a person but the older I've got (and having changed after having a child), I've realised I don't think it is me, we're just not right in that way. Sex was always a bit of a chore for me - I didn't never feel like it but I could have probably easily gone without it.
It's a difficult one because the grass isn't always greener etc but maybe sometimes the grass at your side isn't that green anyway 🤷‍♀️
I guess you've got to weigh up whether you think he'll make more effort (he does sound very selfish) and also what your relationship is like aside from that. If that's your only issue then it should make it easier to work on.

I've had periods where I've felt less attracted to my partner usually because we are dis connected or my hormones and then it had come back. But we do have a good sex life when we have it. Your issue is that you don't enjoy your sex, I wonder if there's any books that could help or if you can afford it counselling? Or sit and talk with partner about what you want from sex at a time when sex isn't about to happen and find out what he wants too. When you are having sec snd it's not working stop and tell him what you want.

You need to sit him down and be honest with him. I suspect deep down you already know his reaction won't be good. That in itself is a problem.

[quote Midnightsnack]@Faevern i did enjoy it in the "honeymoon period" being the first couple of months.but i got pregnant quite quickly into our relationship and problems arose. Even back then though dp was never an imaginative or amazing lover i'd say. He was alot more attentive back then though, now i feel lile he uses me for his fix and there is no inclusion of my wants or needs. So i have stopped giving him a bj or hand job. Consequently our sex life has amounted to simply just quickies once every couple of months.

Dps sex routine has always been the sampe. Grope my boobs for minutes then try to grope me down there and then sex. He lacks initiative as I'm usually always the one to start something. Its really annoying and always causes for a predictable and bland sex life. When i ask him why he cant put some initiation in he says he doesnt know where to start. I said surely any start is better than none. At this point is just laughable[/quote]
You're both inexperienced. He hasn't got a clue and neither have you.
You'll both have to learn together.
Or split up, I think you're being unfair blaming him.

I think you’d have to take the lead in the bedroom a bit and insist no sex a few times - just foreplay and exploring each other’s bodies.

You shouldn’t be hurting or raw after a 3 min quicky.

Tell him how and where to touch you.
Eventually he should be able to figure it out himself.

My rule would also be no foreplay no nookie.

But- that said - unless you are happier in over areas of your relationship then why would you want sex with him.

Is he a loving and supportive partner aside from crap sex. Does he make you feel loved. If not - then work on that first.

Learn to communicate your needs and feelings better as a couple.

You can grow together to be a fabulous family unit - but only if you’re both on board with the idea.

I know how you feel. I feel similar with my husband of 14 years. We have a 2.5 year old.
Sex has never been great for us really either. He's only ever got me to finish once or twice in 14 years. The only way I can finish is with a vibrator anyway.
I put it down to being my problem not just his.

There are other parts of our relationship I love though. Trust, respect, so much in common.
I feel like I'd be throwing a lot away for the sake of just sex. We're early to mid thirties.

It's a very tough one.