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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really need opinions! Desperate!!

33 replies

MrsTorn34 · 05/03/2022 16:54

Ok. So I need people's opinions. I have 4 kids (13,8,6 and 2). 3 are biologically my 2nd husband's but the eldest was from a previous marriage that broke down due to domestic violence. My eldest has been brought up by new husband since 3. I have a best friend that I met whilst pregnant at university this would mean we have been besties 🤣 for 14 years now. She lives down south and I live in the Midlands so I don't get to see her much. Anyway my husband has never been that keen on her but was never openly unpleasant towards her or made visiting or visits uncomfortable.
When I was pregnant with my 4th child in 2019 I visited her and was introduced to her new partner. We got on fine. Partner seemed fine about it and ambivalent to the fact she was in a partnership. The couple and friends children from previous relationship visited and everything was ok, BF partner was quiet and not very communicative and did come across stand offish and rude. After they left DH said he thought he was rude and that it was unacceptable he didn't speak to him in his own house. I did agree it was rude but that there might have been something wrong with him (ill?)
Anyway fast forward and she's now marrying said partner. Now husband has expressed from beggining he didn't want to go and I shouldn't be going because of how her partner behaved. He also said that he caught her partner being unfair to our autistic son. Snatching toys off our son to give to his step son and point blank ignoring my son. DH said he was bullying our child and I was prioritising my friendship over my husband and children. I rang said friend up who's partner denies everything. They have now uninvited DH from wedding and as im maid of honour expect me to attend alone. My DH says of I go it's further showing him I prioritise BF over him and my kids. He says if I go then he's ending the marriage.

HELP

OP posts:
Mummytobe93 · 05/03/2022 16:59

So basically your husband is not keen on your best friend’s fiancé?

Mummytobe93 · 05/03/2022 17:02

I struggle to get to the bottom of your story through all the unnecessary details, about kids, pregnancies etc

If true her fiancé was mean to your child and now they uninvited your DH from the wedding, then you need to choose where your loyalties are.

Though your DH sound a bit dramatic with ending your marriage if you choose to go.

BoredBoredBoredB · 05/03/2022 17:03

Hmmm. Your husband is being dictatorial. However, as they have actually uninvited him rather than it being a case of him just not wanting either of you to go, it would not be right for you to go.

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 05/03/2022 17:03

All sounds like a lot of hard work. She is your friend forget your DH (why isnt he keen on her?) go to the wedding solo, leave the kids with DH and enjoy the day!

FayCarew · 05/03/2022 17:03

Do you want to be maid of honour?

Do you think that your friend's partner was mean to your child?

Orgasmagorical · 05/03/2022 17:03

He says if I go then he's ending the marriage.

That sounds quite extreme. Does he always want his own way over everything in your life? Does he often try and put you off people?

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 05/03/2022 17:04

Christ end your marriage what did your friend do commit murder? Screw that doesnt own you.

muckandnettles · 05/03/2022 17:09

So your DH has stored up this incident of her dp 'bullying' your child from 2019 to tell you now? That seems very odd. Or have you all got together again since then?

Original poster
MrsTorn34 · 05/03/2022 17:11

I felt like I needed to give back story so people understood that his dislike has only been recent.
My friend hasn't done anything really his issue lies with her fiancée. But he says I will be prioritising her and her wedding over my children and him.
He doesn't like many of my friends and can be a bit judgy. I.e don't want you being friends with her she's cheated on her husband. He also doesn't really like it when I go out much. He doesn't make it awkward with all my friends.

I don't know if BF partner was unkind to my son I didn't see it I was in another room. Husband doesn't know why he took the toy off my son but says it was unacceptable to ignore him

I was looking for some opinions on whether I was in the right for thinking he was being unreasonable. That I should go to the wedding OR does my husband have a point. Am I in the wrong if I go
Am I prioritising my friendship over my kids and marriage? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsTorn34 · 05/03/2022 17:13

It's been since the wedding was announced and I was supposed to be being MOH. But the whole he was rude thing to DH has been brought up lots

OP posts:
FayCarew · 05/03/2022 17:21

Let him end your marriage. He sounds controlling

MadMadMadamMim · 05/03/2022 17:22

I think your DH sounds extremely controlling.

I'd be tempted to say Okay. Your choice when he threatened that if you were MOH for the wedding he was 'ending the marriage'.

It's an emotionally blackmailing statement - and I don't believe for a minute that he'll go through with it. However, let him crack on.

Orgasmagorical · 05/03/2022 17:28

He doesn't like many of my friends and can be a bit judgy. I.e don't want you being friends with her she's cheated on her husband. He also doesn't really like it when I go out much.

This doesn't surprise me.

What do you think would happen if you did go to your friend's wedding?

Original poster
MrsTorn34 · 05/03/2022 17:28

You see it's being going on for a long time now the argument and I'm starting to feel like maybe he's right and I'm the unreasonable one?!

I just wanted to see if people thought it was the wrong thing to do by going.

OP posts:
Trisolaris · 05/03/2022 17:29

He sounds very controlling. He wants you to do what he says or he will threaten you with divorce.

Your friends partners don’t have to be friends with your partner for you to maintain relationships with your friends. I’d go anyway and if he really wants divorce so be it.

Original poster
MrsTorn34 · 05/03/2022 17:30

I don't know. I think he may leave. I also think he might cause the day to be spoilt i.e texting me all the time and being not nice. I just thought maybe I was being unreasonable, that if husband thinks he was horrible to DS then would I be being a bad wife ?

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 05/03/2022 17:31

I rang said friend up who's partner denies everything. They have now uninvited DH from wedding and as im maid of honour expect me to attend alone

Reverse this, imagine if your dh went to a wedding where you had been deliberately uninvited. The phone call you made obviously went badly and escalated rather than resolved anything. How did the conversation go?

If your friend is a good friend she will accept that your Dh and her partner don't like each other but if they can be civil then it shouldn't impact your relationship with her or your marriages.

However I understand your friend not wanting someone at her wedding who she KNOWS actively dislikes them. It would have been best to have kept negative opinions quiet.

Can you speak with your friend, agree that both men got off to a bad start and try to move forwards??

Orgasmagorical · 05/03/2022 17:34

I just wanted to see if people thought it was the wrong thing to do by going.

Of course it would not be wrong for you to go and be MOH at your best friend's wedding. It's wrong in your husband's eyes because he doesn't want you to go and have fun, especially if he's not there to 'keep an eye on you'. He's trying to manipulate you into not liking your friend's fiance and make the decision that you won't go.

Do you think it would be the same if your weren't MOH? Do you think he doesn't like the idea of you getting a bit more attention than him?

Original poster
MrsTorn34 · 05/03/2022 17:35

I rang because he told me too, he said if I put my kids priority then I would have confronted her about it and asked why her partner had done that! So I was basically just doing that for him.

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 05/03/2022 17:37

You're dancing to his tune, MrsTorn. He's making you do things you wouldn't normally do. He's manipulating you therefore controlling you.

PiperPosey · 05/03/2022 17:40

Controlling men keep their partners away from friends and family and feel threatened by competion for their wives attention.

Go to the wedding. Let me sulk and pout. He doesn't sound like a man that I would choose as a partner.

Lucloi · 05/03/2022 17:41

I think your husband is being very selfish and he is out of order. This is about you and your best friend, not about him. To forbid you from going to your best friend's wedding because he doesn't like her fiance is totally unreasonable. How is it hurting him if you go to the wedding? Your husband sounds like hard work. Call his bluff and go.

BoredBoredBoredB · 05/03/2022 17:47

On second thoughts, leave him immediately.

Crikeyalmighty · 05/03/2022 17:58

Your H is being a total arse and his threats are ludicrous—

Aquamarine1029 · 05/03/2022 18:04

Your marriage sounds like a toxic nightmare. Let the fucker leave. He'll be doing you a favour.