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Original poster

Boyfriends problem in the bedroom?

34 replies

Justryingtobehappy · 05/03/2022 15:01

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for eight months. What Ive found compared to every other sexual partner (bar one a long time ago) is that he goes soft or loses erections. He assures me it isn’t to do with me and he loves me and finds me attractive, however it’s massively affecting my confidence. I’d say about 30-40% of the time this happens. He likes to go down on me and is amazing at pleasing me, he finishes most times when I give him oral but this morning after a minute I could feel him going soft. This has happened a few times, and has happened quite a few times when we’ve started having sex. There has never been a time when he’s finished “quickly” (which is what I’m used to) but sometimes he either can’t come or goes soft. He makes a lot of excuses and I feel he is avoiding the truth but I’ve never come across this before. He assures me it isn’t to do with me but I can’t help but feel like it is. Everything else is absolutely perfect. Anyone been through something similar have any advice?

OP posts:
DouglasCrood · 05/03/2022 15:03

I think morning oral can be more challenging ime. I don't know why that is! So I wouldn't be overly worried about that tbh.

I only know to ask this due to other threads on here, so obviously may be way off the mark; but, does he watch a lot of porn?

cuddlymunchkin · 05/03/2022 15:04

Google ‘death grip’ - that’ll be the answer.

Original poster
Justryingtobehappy · 05/03/2022 15:08

I have no idea if he watches a lot of porn. I don’t feel like he does, but I don’t feel comfortable asking that question. I watch porn when I’m by myself and I’ve been open about that, he doesn’t have a problem with it just as I don’t have a problem with him watching it as long as it isn’t an addiction/affecting his ability to enjoy “Normal” sex. I watch it very infrequently soPorn is simply a visual stimulation for me and has and would never affect anything towards him but I’m guessing it’s different for men. How would I even broach that subject with him?

OP posts:
DouglasCrood · 05/03/2022 15:10

Hmm I think you need to broach the subject as it is causing problems. Is he happy to discuss it at all at the minute or is he just pretending it hasn't happened?

Original poster
Justryingtobehappy · 05/03/2022 15:21

He will always discuss it but his reasons seem to be different every time, we are very open with each other but it’s really affecting my self confidence and he knows it is. He’s a very caring person and I think whatever it is he may just not want to hurt my feelings. I had wondered about the porn thing but me asking him if he wanks a lot isn’t really something I feel up to saying right now

OP posts:
Buildingthefuture · 05/03/2022 15:45

How old is he? If he’s a bit older it can be harder for them to maintain it sometimes?

Thatsplentyjack · 05/03/2022 15:50

@cuddlymunchkin

Google ‘death grip’ - that’ll be the answer.
Yes because no man could have erectile disfunction for any other reason, its always because they've been obsessively watching porn and wanting themselves into a frenzy Hmm.
Thatsplentyjack · 05/03/2022 15:51

Wanking, not wanting obviously

DillonPanthersTexas · 05/03/2022 15:56

Google ‘death grip’ - that’ll be the answer.

Second post, well done.

Maybe we should start suggesting 'buzz clit' everytime a women posts on here about her struggles to stay aroused

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 05/03/2022 15:57

I had this with my last partner. The sex was great. I changed my perspective to think as a woman I can have great sex and not cum. Sometimes I can't cum. So why isn't he allowed the same considerations. He's enjoyed it he just couldn't finish this time. I cum 90% of the time often more than once. But he gets exhausted and then in his own head about feeling like a failure for not cumming.

Sex was usually long but not on every occasion. We were both mid 30's he has had a vasectomy which may have been part of it. He also had anxiety and some mental health issues which may have made him feel like he 'had' to cum and end up sabotaging himself.

I would have said it was a similar frequency of occurrence 20% of the time not finishing or encouraging him to use his hand for a while or oral or other 'tries' sometimes worked sometimes didn't

I definitely changed my thinking tho

Ttcfinalbub · 05/03/2022 16:01

Is he on any meds ?
Has he been put down previously?
Is there a strong chemistry ?
Can he maintain and cum alone ?
Is there foreplay including mental ?

TooManyPJs · 05/03/2022 16:02

If death grip isn't the answer (and he'd work this out by not masturbating for a few weeks) then he should probably get checked out by the GP to make sure there's no physical cause.

As PPs has said tiredness, stress etc can also cause this.

EBearhug · 05/03/2022 16:05

Medical conditions and some medical can cause this too. It might just be in his head and expectations. There are various possible causes, but if he doesn't want to talk about it to you (or a GP,) you're not going to get far with it, and will need to decide if you want to accept it or not.

It probably isn't about you, but it's difficult not to worry about it.

NameChange74567 · 05/03/2022 16:10

How old is he? Dh had this problem in his early 40s, we spoke about it and he decided he wanted to try viagra, which helped. Would you feel comfortable suggesting it to him?

Spotthedog91 · 05/03/2022 16:27

I would say it's nothing to do with you.. Its probably erectile dysfunction. Also.. Many years ago I had a on off boyfriend who couldn't get hard. I took it personally too.. However it turned out he'd taken too many drugs the night before and this was the side effect. Does he ever take drugs on the weekend or anything?

Try not to take it personally.. Although easier said than done xx

Original poster
Justryingtobehappy · 05/03/2022 16:29

He isn’t on any meds
Don’t know if put down previously but I’m guessing not
There is a strong chemistry however this issue has been affecting both of us to an extent
Not sure if he can maintain and cum alone, he doesn’t really discuss if/when he has a wank but he knows I have no issue with him doing so
Yes pretty much always foreplay physical and mental

He’s 35. I’ve been wondering if it could potentially be low testosterone, however he does get erections and is horny and tells me he thinks about sex with me a lot. What I’ve noticed is he is very caring but also can be very emotional, wells up or even cries a lot which is fine as he’s told me he has to hold back from doing that in front of friends/family. However he is a strong and dependable guy so it’s not like he’s just sobbing constantly. He goes to the gym a lot and is strong bur doesn’t seem to have any muscles on his arms or really anything of his body? He is losing his hair and is receding quite a bit for his age (although I know everyone is different). Does anyone have experience of being with a male or being a male with low testosterone?

OP posts:
Original poster
Justryingtobehappy · 05/03/2022 16:32

I’d just like to add it’s never been a case that he can’t get hard, whenever there’s been a problem it’s been a case of him being hard and going sort of soft or losing it all together or it goes on for ages and he can come

OP posts:
NC84826 · 05/03/2022 16:57

OP my ex husband couldn’t cum unless he wanked himself , turns out he had a fear about getting someone pregnant when he was a teen that stuck with him, ended the sex life and then the marriage eventually though.

GinPalace2 · 05/03/2022 16:58

There may be medical issues if you suspect low testosterone. Try to persuade him to see his GP.

BOOTS52 · 05/03/2022 17:13

He is very young to be going through this but if you are intimate with each other then this is something you should be able to talk to him openly about but out of the bedroom. I had this with a guy and he had every excuse from a bad leg to circulation etc etc but in the end it turned out he was addicted to porn. Turned me right off, as a big difference to viewing porn v addicted to porn so in that case death grip would be the case. Not saying this is the case here but I never would have guessed he was the type either but on reflection I should have. Tell him to see his doctor to get bloods/testosterone checked out if porn addiction not the case but he will not admit to addiction if he has that. It is not your issue and do not put any blame on yourself and lose your confidence but I do understand this as I am fairly attractive but it did affect me also, am staying single as more confident without hassle of a man but am older. You have to decide if he opens up and talks which is great but if not then decide is this something you can live with as it does make things uncomfortable and cause tension no matter how understanding you are. Hope you sort things out but not anything to do with you. Maybe he just has low confidence so talk to him and ask him straight out about porn and if this is the case.

Original poster
Justryingtobehappy · 05/03/2022 17:18

@BOOTS52

He is very young to be going through this but if you are intimate with each other then this is something you should be able to talk to him openly about but out of the bedroom. I had this with a guy and he had every excuse from a bad leg to circulation etc etc but in the end it turned out he was addicted to porn. Turned me right off, as a big difference to viewing porn v addicted to porn so in that case death grip would be the case. Not saying this is the case here but I never would have guessed he was the type either but on reflection I should have. Tell him to see his doctor to get bloods/testosterone checked out if porn addiction not the case but he will not admit to addiction if he has that. It is not your issue and do not put any blame on yourself and lose your confidence but I do understand this as I am fairly attractive but it did affect me also, am staying single as more confident without hassle of a man but am older. You have to decide if he opens up and talks which is great but if not then decide is this something you can live with as it does make things uncomfortable and cause tension no matter how understanding you are. Hope you sort things out but not anything to do with you. Maybe he just has low confidence so talk to him and ask him straight out about porn and if this is the case.
How did you find out he was addicted to porn?
OP posts:
Original poster
Justryingtobehappy · 05/03/2022 17:21

@BOOTS52

He is very young to be going through this but if you are intimate with each other then this is something you should be able to talk to him openly about but out of the bedroom. I had this with a guy and he had every excuse from a bad leg to circulation etc etc but in the end it turned out he was addicted to porn. Turned me right off, as a big difference to viewing porn v addicted to porn so in that case death grip would be the case. Not saying this is the case here but I never would have guessed he was the type either but on reflection I should have. Tell him to see his doctor to get bloods/testosterone checked out if porn addiction not the case but he will not admit to addiction if he has that. It is not your issue and do not put any blame on yourself and lose your confidence but I do understand this as I am fairly attractive but it did affect me also, am staying single as more confident without hassle of a man but am older. You have to decide if he opens up and talks which is great but if not then decide is this something you can live with as it does make things uncomfortable and cause tension no matter how understanding you are. Hope you sort things out but not anything to do with you. Maybe he just has low confidence so talk to him and ask him straight out about porn and if this is the case.
I’m sorry you went through this by the way.
OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 05/03/2022 17:24

He may not know the exact reason and so can't answer your questions. Many women also struggle with staying aroused and orgasming every time they are sexually active. Bodies just aren't perfect.

Who is it really a problem for? If someone can't finish, on those occasions just do other things and don't make it a big issue.

Psychonabike · 05/03/2022 17:32

There are dozens of potential reasons from hormonal causes, genetic causes (Kleinfelter's syndrome), physical health issues such as diabetes or circulatory disorders, excess weight, alcohol, stress and other psychological issues, and yes -what he has become used to when he's alone.

Most of these things can be overcome if he is a) willing to talk about it openly and b) willing to take the necessary steps to improve matters.

Unfortunately some of these possibilities can be linked to a low sex drive and after the initial effort, early in a relationship, you can find there's little motivation to change anything.

Original poster
Justryingtobehappy · 05/03/2022 17:40

If he doesn’t know the real reasons don’t say things such as it’s because he knew I had a headache. Does that make sense? I’m okay with whatever the problem is and we do speak about it but I’m finding I’m not getting genuine answers and it’s really difficult to understand from a Womens perspective. Or for me it is anyway

OP posts: