Partner does not want me to drink

[Moomin675]

I have always found it hard to control how much I drink. I do not drink often but when I do I almost always go over the top, end up throwing up and sleeping on my friends sofas because I'm too drunk to come home. On occasion when I have come home, I have woken up my partner and have took out all my insecuries about our relationship on him. He gets very upset about this and feels very anxious when I go out to drink because he doesn't know what will happen when I do. I have tried controlling how much alcohol I drink and sometimes I am able to do it but then the next time I go out after that, I drink too much again. The last straw for him was the last time I got drunk and messaged him about my insecuries about the relationship, such as 'I don't know where this relationship is going' ect. He now does not want me to drink at all, whereas I want to really try and control my drinking again, but he does not trust I can do it because of past experiences. What do you think I should do? Thank you.

You might have far fewer insecurities in your relationship if you weren’t worrying about pissing your dp off with your drunken behaviour.

Address your drinking. For YOU. And address your insecurities. Maybe you are feeling insecure in the relationship but you need to work that out without alcohol.

I have recently ended an otherwise good relationship because of my ex's drinking. He didn't drink a lot but when he did he had no off switch. He was a different person when drunk. Paranoid, insecure, rambling, idiot.

I began to dread what would happen on nights out and found myself anxious about how he would behave before it even got to the point where he went too far. It also meant I kept him at arms length emotionally as I couldn't trust him. He said it wouldn't happen again, and it always did.

It came to a head when he crossed a line and passed out leaving me in a really difficult situation. That was it. Game over.

If you want your relationship to survive you need to ask what you value you more and stop, or get professional help to tackle why you take it too far. Good luck.

A family member has been sober for the past several years (after a long period of alcohol abuse) thanks to alcoholics anonymous. I know it's not for everyone, but it might be worth a try. Having a community of people who understand your experience, don't judge you, but are there to help you stay sober can help tremendously.

For yourself I’ve done it and never looked back, feel better. No I don’t miss the hangovers the blackouts. Good luck if you want a life you must do it for yourself no one else. Hugs

Never mind losing your partner, you are likely to lose everything if you don’t get a grip of your drinking now. That might sound alarmist but believe me it only ends one way, Seek help now.

Bonus for you is that as you “don’t drink often” it should be relatively unproblematic to not drink ever.

"Really trying to control your drinking" has never worked in the past, has it? If you don't do something about it, you will lose your relationship but, more importantly, matters will only deteriorate further till your drinking messes up your health and every other aspect of your life. Give up now, for yourself.

@Moomin675 what do you think?

An alcoholic isn't simply a man on a street bench with an empty bottle of whisky in a paper bag, pissed out of his head

An alcoholic is many faceted but one of those facets is someone who can't control their alcohol intake

You are an alcoholic

I think you should join AA and stop drinking. Not because he's asked you to but because you clearly have a big drinking problem. If you could control yourself, you would. You need help.

As others have said, I wouldn't quit because a man told me to, but I would quit for myself in your shoes.

I don't drink anymore. I was a massive party girl in my youth and often "the drunkest girl at the party". I had to quit as I was finding I would black out, make strange choices and was feeling really unhealthy. I cannot recommend sobriety enough. It has changed my life so much for the better. There are threads on here you can join and a great, friendly community on Instagram too. Or if you need support irl you can do AA or see your GP.

But all of this means nothing if you don't really want to stop. It took me a few goes and trying trying moderate which didn't work for me and was a waste of energy. I don't know how I'd feel about the ultimatum either, but maybe he is right about your drinking? How you respond to the ultimatum depends on the relationship. I'd also be wary of quitting for someone else as, if you split, you might think "well fuck him I'm going to get drunk now".

You need to give up alcohol as you clearly have poor control and it is damaging your relationship.

I got like this in my late 20s so I quit, was sober for my 30th birthday and it was awesome! I probably didn't drink for 3-4 years and then it crept in a bit. Good news (for me) is that it's never got to where it was.. ever! Even when I get properly smashed - which is rare, I haven't got like that since NY and before that, couldn't even tell you! - I'm a much nicer person. I think I put all my insecurities to bed and am pretty happy with my life so no longer go on and on, upset my friends, say things I don't mean... I'm just a happy drunk who knows their limits.

I know for some, it's all or nothing and you might need to never drink again, but I would recommend trying 12 months off (which was my initial aim) and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how easy it is once you're over the initial few weeks. Your health will improve, no more beer fear, you'll remember everything and most importantly of all, your DP will see you're willing to take on board what he says and learn from it. If you don't want to lose him, you need to show you're a team and he's being very honest here...

I think that's also great advice from @SanFranBear. For some people it can be OK to go back, but agree a 12-month break as a minimum might be a good start

@PowerhouseOfTheCell

You sound like my best friend, she just doesn’t know when to stop and I’ve lost count how many times a night out has been ruined by her passing out or going missing when paralytic. Her partner often begged her to stop because of the person she became when she had a drink, but she didn’t. So he ended it

I have a friend like this, whose partner also ended it. Also, we eventually stopped asking her on nights out because we just got sick and tired of having our evenings ruined having to be responsible for her.

How secure is your DP supposed to feel when you question your relationship like that? And when you value it so little as to not respect his request about your anti social drinking?

You should get your thread title changed to I value alcohol more than my partner.

It sounds like you can’t moderate your drinking, not everyone can.

I think you should abstain from alcohol if you don’t want to risk your relationship.

Thank you for the responses. I completely understand where everyone is coming from, that my drinking is a problem and I need to stop. I think it will be hard at first because I am so used to drinking to have fun and to socialise. Hopefully I can find some support to help me do it.

You need to give up the alcohol before it ruins your relationship. Your partner should’t have to live in fear of the next installment of your alcohol fuelled behaviour. I do know of people who stopped drinking because of the effect it had on them.

DH’S BF is like this. An angel 355 days of the year so thoughtful , funny ,romantic - a lovely boyfriend.

The OTHER 10 days of the year ,if he’s been drinking ….
No one is talking to him now as they’re going to end up in JAIL because of him
His long term DP left him last year after a series of bad nights out where he ended up getting punched every time( ?!) she just had enough.
And so did everyone else.

I’ve pretty much given up drinking for completely different reasons, it’s a bit weird at first as a lot of young social life in particular is centred around it- but now I’m like “ oh I’d rather have a nice posh lipstick /not be hungover/have my dignity/nice meal and cake /save the calories.
think of all the money you’ll save! And the weight loss! Try and think of it positively!
And you should speak to someone if you keep coming back to the same drunken rambling issue : you’re not too sure about your partner. If it was a one off, but it’s not.

@Moomin675

Thank you for the responses. I completely understand where everyone is coming from, that my drinking is a problem and I need to stop. I think it will be hard at first because I am so used to drinking to have fun and to socialise. Hopefully I can find some support to help me do it.

Perhaps you need to ask yourself why you have to drink alcohol in order to be able to enjoy those things.

I felt like this. It IS hard at first, but after riding out a few nights out its actually FAR more enjoyable to be fully present.

NRTFT

Both DH and myself have been in your position. I especially used alcohol as a crutch for my own personal issues long before meeting DH. Even though we both love alcohol we now control it. For me I now understand my triggers and stick the the following rules

I never drink when I’m upset
I never drink when I’m holding back on something with DH (if he’s pissing me off about something and I havnt told him), same with other people. It works both ways with us, he never drinks if annoyed with me over something he’s been letting slide as it will come out when alcohol is involved.
I never drink with people who wind me up or can push my buttons
We very rarely go out drinking but when we do one of us always stays sober
I don’t drink certain drinks, especially when out. I have absolutely no control when drinking wine and have no stop valve.
I try and drink things that I will have enough of like larger, after so many I get bloated and want to stop, same with cider. I have a better tolerance with spirits but even then if I’m wanting to put a control in place I will drink something that I will have enough of after a few and something that will make be feel like I’ve had enough, old fashioned g&t will do this to me or vodka and cranberry.
We never drink on a school night
We also never drink in front of the DCs, so don’t usually open anything until they are in bed.
We don’t keep alcohol in the hose, not even for cooking.
When we drink we buy exactly what we want to allow ourselves. A bottle of wine for me, at a push an extra miniature bottle, but never 2 big ones because I will drink both and go hunting for more. DH will have x number of beers or what ever he fancies. Once it’s gone it’s gone.
We don’t drink more than once a month.

We applied these rules after completing cutting alcohol out for a long time. We agreed we both enjoy alcohol but needed to put rules in place. These rules have worked very well for us for some time now.

In your position I would definitely give up alcohol, at least for now if you want to keep your relationship. You said your insecurities come out when you drink, surely knowing how your partner feels when you drink is only going to add to those insecurities. You can work on a plan that you can both agree to later down the line if you really want to start drinking again.

You need to stop 🛑. This isn’t healthy and you’re partner is right. Get help if you need it, good luck OP