Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner does not want me to drink

52 replies

Moomin675 · 05/03/2022 11:22

I have always found it hard to control how much I drink. I do not drink often but when I do I almost always go over the top, end up throwing up and sleeping on my friends sofas because I'm too drunk to come home. On occasion when I have come home, I have woken up my partner and have took out all my insecuries about our relationship on him. He gets very upset about this and feels very anxious when I go out to drink because he doesn't know what will happen when I do. I have tried controlling how much alcohol I drink and sometimes I am able to do it but then the next time I go out after that, I drink too much again. The last straw for him was the last time I got drunk and messaged him about my insecuries about the relationship, such as 'I don't know where this relationship is going' ect. He now does not want me to drink at all, whereas I want to really try and control my drinking again, but he does not trust I can do it because of past experiences. What do you think I should do? Thank you.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 05/03/2022 11:30

I think you should give up drinking. For yourself.

inheritancetrack · 05/03/2022 11:32

You have a problem with alcohol and I am with your DP on this. You need to stop drinking and get help for the reasons behind it. If I were your partner I would end the relationship. You've shown you can't control the drinking. Trust is being eroded by you and that is no foundation for a relationship.

spacehardware · 05/03/2022 11:32

I think you should read Quit Like a Woman

your drinking is problematic.

gamerchick · 05/03/2022 11:33

You need to stop drinking. If you can't then you're dependant and it's just a matter of time before you're dumped. Your friends must be sick of it as well.

Do it for yourself.

ImInStealthMode · 05/03/2022 11:33

It reads like you've tried to control it, and failed. I think your partner is right and it's time to stop.

Put yourself in his position. How would you feel if he consistently got slaughtered and came home to you throwing up and questioning your relationship, or simply didn't come home?

I think you should also consider if you want to be in the relationship; they do say that drunks speak the truth, are the doubts you voice when you're drunk what you really feel when you're sober?

CheshireChat · 05/03/2022 11:34

You quit drinking, it's not OK for your partner to walk on eggshells just cause you fancy alcohol.

Hoppinggreen · 05/03/2022 11:36

You should stop drinking for yourself AND him

WaterTheBasil · 05/03/2022 11:37

He might be at the end of his rope with it. I suppose because you are a binge drinker it's like he is in a relationship with two people.

I know I couldn't be with a partner who when he went out for the evening I would have to worry about him ending up dead in a ditch or messaging me about the relationship.

Really, you should just end it and sort yourself out.

Branleuse · 05/03/2022 11:38

Some people just cant drink. I think your partner is absolutely right to say that he doesnt want you to drink anymore since you cant handle it and you struggle to stop once you start.
Only problem here is that youre still in denial and havent decided it for yourself.
I think id actually advise your partner to leave, but it seems like he would rather give you the chance to just not drink instead.

Whitney168 · 05/03/2022 11:41

I think you should stop drinking, or accept that if you don't your partner will leave the relationship very soon. Up to you which you value more.

Ursusmajor · 05/03/2022 11:42

What about agreeing on no alcohol at all for 6months to start with? Honestly it sounds like you would be better off stopping permanently but perhaps 6 months seems less daunting to start with. You might well find you don’t miss or at least you don’t miss the drama you cause when you drink too much.
Conversations about your relationship and where it’s going need to happen when you’re sober. Is that something you and your partner are able to do?

Blossom64265 · 05/03/2022 11:44

If a standard night of drinking for you ends in vomiting, you need to change your drinking habits.

Adding in tormenting your partner while drunk should be a clear signal that you have a problem and need to stop drinking.

babbi · 05/03/2022 11:45

You need to stop drinking completely.
Get your life under control..
There is no halfway option .. you cannot control how much you drink and are damaging your relationships , partner and friends.

It won’t be easy but had to happen .
Good luck

PlanetNormal · 05/03/2022 11:46

Most people can handle having a few drinks but the reality is that, to put it as politely as possible, alcohol doesn’t agree with everyone, and it appears that you are one of the people it doesn’t agree with at all.

Your partner is concerned for your welfare and upset by your behaviour when drunk, therefore drinking isn’t doing either of you any good. Time to stop drinking for your own benefit.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 05/03/2022 11:49

You need to accept how problematic your drinking and behaviour is and accept that if you want him to forgive you you need to stop drinking completely

Evvyjb · 05/03/2022 11:54

I was like this. I've quit.

It is FAR too hard to moderate.

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 05/03/2022 11:57

You sound like my best friend, she just doesn’t know when to stop and I’ve lost count how many times a night out has been ruined by her passing out or going missing when paralytic. Her partner often begged her to stop because of the person she became when she had a drink, but she didn’t. So he ended it

Lou98 · 05/03/2022 11:59

He now does not want me to drink at all, whereas I want to really try and control my drinking again, but he does not trust I can do it because of past experiences

You've already proven though that you can't control it, you've tried and failed so your DP is right, you do need to stop drinking. Binge drinking is a problem and it isn't fair on him the way you're treating him with a drink in you - he shouldn't have to walk on eggshells or spend the night anxious when you go out because he doesn't know what he'll be dealing with when you get home.

My last relationship was much like this except I was your DP and my Ex was you. He wouldn't go out too often but when he did he would get in some states, he would come home and act like a drunken arsehole - I was fed up of it. Every time it was me that was being left to deal with him not being able to handle his alcohol. The next day he would always apologise and say it won't happen again, he'll watch what he's drinking etc. He would then be able to go out and be fine once or twice after that but then it was right back to his normal ways so no, I didn't believe him when he would say he would try and control his drinking, if he could have, he would have done it after the first time! He was also a binge drinker, would have all good intentions going out of only having "one or two" but as soon as he had those he couldn't help himself but keep having more.

I told him I wouldn't stick around if he didn't stop drinking. He stopped for a couple of months, then went out, got himself in to a state, woke me up when he got in and started an argument, when I tried to walk away to leave the house, he pushed me to the ground - it was the first and only time he had ever been physical or even aggressive in any way but it was the final straw for me. Believe your partner when he tells you he is leaving if you don't stop.

As with my Ex, if you were going to change your habits with a drink in you - you would have done it after the first time you treated him badly.

You need to make a choice to either completely give up drinking or accept that your relationship is over

gonnascreamsoon · 05/03/2022 12:01

The only acceptable level of alcohol for you, because of how it affects you, is zero.

You are never going to be able to keep a relationship or be a descent partner or parent if you continue to drink alcohol.

So you have a choice to make........

  1. You continue to drink, and you lose everything good in your life and your future.
  2. You go teetotal forever, and keep your partner and your future prospects of a 'happy life' alive.
Northernsoullover · 05/03/2022 12:02

I can't moderate at all. I had to quit and after the initial few months I feel happier than ever.

A580Hojas · 05/03/2022 12:06

I think he's right to want you to stop. I bet he is worried sick about you and feeling really insecure in your relationship.

Ask yourself what you actually get out of getting paralytic and vomiting? Honestly where is the fun in that? You've proved time and time again that you're not a 1 or 2 drinks type of person. Accept and move on.

eightlivesdown · 05/03/2022 12:07

You need to give up alcohol. This is the only option, as drinking in moderation clearly isn't for you. No shame in that, it's just the way it is. Otherwise, drinking could ruin your life.

Iamnotamermaid · 05/03/2022 12:11

Give up drinking. I had a (male) friend like you who has been divorced 3 times and lost 2 long term relationships because he kept drinking and behaving like you.

AgentJohnson · 05/03/2022 12:12

I would advise your partner to reconsider being with someone who prioritises alcohol above hurting him.

You’ve been down the controlling your intake path before and failed, is drinking more important to you then the very real risk that you will again use your partner as an emotional punching bag?

You seem to have got into the mindset that how you treat your partner when drunk isn’t bad enough to warrant abstinence. This says a lot about your relationship with alcohol and your ambivalence towards your partner’s feeling.

NoSquirrels · 05/03/2022 12:12

I think your partner should decide for themselves if they want to have a relationship with someone who has an alcohol issue.

I think you should decide for yourself if you want the consequences of continuing to drink alcohol more than you want to stay with your partner. And more than you want a calm, happy life.

If you have alcohol issues, as you’ve described, the only real way to ‘control’ that is to not drink alcohol.

You say yourself once you’ve had a drink “ sometimes I am able to do it but then the next time I go out after that, I drink too much again”. That’s a pattern. You cannot reliably control your drinking.