I don't know how to navigate a serious relationship, but don't want to date casually. Where do I go from here?

[threebroadstripes]

Might as well be perfectly honest- I'm 29 and I only started dating last year. I always thought I would meet someone and it surely it had to just around the corner, and then I was so worried about being inexperienced that I talked myself out of trying.

I've been going to therapy and it has helped. I am more comfortable admitting that I would like a relationship and I've been trying OLD.

I just don't know how to manage it all though. I don't want and would not be able to have a casual relationship, but I also think that it's going to take me a loooong time to feel comfortable enough with someone to accomplish things like staying over or having sex, and most people my age are much more confident doing this more quickly than me. I don't see how I can grow that through OLD, but it is the only way I ever have been able to arrange a date.

Where do I go from here?

When you say that other women your age feel much more 'confident' doing things quicker, what kind of time frame are we talking about? Keep in mind there's a difference too between confidence and desperation or recklessness.

I genuinely don't know. I've never kissed anyone, let alone anything else. I think it would take me at least a few months to feel comfortable enough to have sex.

I'd be open minded about that. If you don't feel like having sex, it might be for a good reason - like everything being right on paper but the chemistry isn't right. Things might progress fairly quickly if it does feel right.

You don’t have to lay all your cards on the table. Just say that you are looking to meet new people with a view to a serious relationship if you click. Tbh it’s likely that you will meet a fair few men that aren’t suitable so given your situation, I would only start thinking about timeframes and sex once you meet someone that you really like.

When you meet the right person, it will be easy. That might be impossible to imagine - but that’s what it will feel like. Good luck to you.

It does feel impossible. In some ways I feel like I should be transparent and honest that I likely won’t be able to have a typical physical relationship but I also don’t want to mention that too early.

I know people say ‘the right one’ will understand and that might not be in the context of ‘The One’ but it’s so difficult to try and believe in that when you’re staring at 30 and still haven’t managed to hold hands with a man. Like should I just grit my teeth and try and go home with someone and at least it will be over and done with?

You find it uncomfortable to hold hands with a man or just don’t want too?

That’s quite a mundane thing (to me) to be uncomfortable with and I imagine most people too so if I was you I would mention early on in conversation that your not comfortable with anything physical at all instead of wasting yours and their time. You may find someone who thinks along the same lines too and is happy with that.

I wouldn’t just go and sleep with someone in your situation as there’s no point, every man is a new person so why bother doing that.

No, I’ve just never been in the situation where it happened, or seemed likely to happen.

@Didimum

When you meet the right person, it will be easy. That might be impossible to imagine - but that’s what it will feel like. Good luck to you.

This really isn't true. For some people it's not easy even with the right person.

There are some men out there who want to take things slow and establish trust and friendship and connection before physical intimacy, even on dating apps (you can't have mine, though ;-)). I think who you meet is largely down to luck and believe me I know it's really dispiriting trying to meet the right person.

I'd say keep developing yourself, keep doing the therapy and keep doing hobbies or work or whatever brings you fulfillment. And if you want to keep trying OLD, just be really clear you're not looking for casual and want to take things slowly, as there's nothing wrong with that and there will be a few like-minded men out there.

Good luck!

"I would mention early on in conversation that your not comfortable with anything physical at all instead of wasting yours and their time. "

The man will understand that as 'never'. Better to say you want to take it very slowly.

OP it doesn’t sound as though you intimacy issues from what you’ve written though? It reads to me as though you’ve not found a willing partner that you fancy back yet. Do you think if you met someone you fancied and they fancied you, you’d be happy to hold hands and progress from there? Maybe it won’t be an issue at all once you meet someone you actually have that chemistry with. Don’t overthink it.

@threebroadstripes

I genuinely don't know. I've never kissed anyone, let alone anything else. I think it would take me at least a few months to feel comfortable enough to have sex.

I thought this, but in reality I was more keen to get going than I thought I would be (just a few weeks).

Have you ever felt chemistry with someone? If not when you find someone that you feel chemistry with it might all seem a lot more natural. Hormones are powerful things.

@LimeSupper

OP it doesn’t sound as though you intimacy issues from what you’ve written though? It reads to me as though you’ve not found a willing partner that you fancy back yet. Do you think if you met someone you fancied and they fancied you, you’d be happy to hold hands and progress from there? Maybe it won’t be an issue at all once you meet someone you actually have that chemistry with. Don’t overthink it.

I really, really hope so. I know I overthink

I have been attracted to men (is that the same as chemistry?) but situations have just never worked out.

You seem too hung up on the physical side of things. Go on dates with the aim of getting to know the other person, through chat. Pick people who seem interesting. Go places you want to go, so at least you enjoy that part even if you don't enjoy their company. Don't expect anything to happen.

If you have to kiss 100 frogs before you meet a prince, there's going to be like at least another 50 frogs you don't even want to touch, not even with someone else's bargepole

So go on the dates with no expectations, tell people you want to take things slow, aren't interested in a casual relationship and do what feels natural.

If there's no chemistry at all then either say you're happy to stay friends but nothing more, if that's the truth. Or tell them you're just not feeling it, or you don't think you're right for each other and so you don't think you should see each other again, if they ask you on a second date but you don't want to go.

If you're not sure how you feel about someone, you can keep going on dates with them until you are sure one way or another. I suppose if you remain indifferent to someone that's an answer in itself.

Good luck.

"You seem too hung up on the physical side of things. "

It's the main motivation of dating for most men so OP is not wrong to be thinking about it.

"If you're not sure how you feel about someone, you can keep going on dates with them until you are sure one way or another. I suppose if you remain indifferent to someone that's an answer in itself."

I agree with this. Chemistry and attraction is immediate for some people, but slow burning for others so you don't have to give up if you don't feel it straight away.

TBH, it’s the thing I’m most worried about, and it’s so embarrassing to talk about IRL. My friends did all of this when they were in secondary school

So far, my dates have either been boring or fine. I like one guy a lot but caught Covid the day before our third date and I think he thought that was an excuse. It’s the third/ fourth dates onwards that I have no idea how to navigate.

It's not unreasonable for OP to want to take her time though. Anyone who isn't happy about that isn't right for her, so no loss and no point wasting headspace on those ones. OP isn't saying she doesn't want to have sex ever or that she's asexual. OP isn't responsible for meeting anyone else's needs either, only her own. So who cares what the impatient ones want, they can sod off There's nothing wrong with being choosy.

I just think women are too focused on what men want in general and that it's not a helpful mindset because it adds unnecessary pressure. Men should relax too and not be so fake (the ones that are) then people could see more quickly if they're into each other or not. Guess I just think dating should be fun, not this big "thing" to be stressed over. Maybe that's just me though? I want someone to have fun shared experiences with because otherwise what are you going to do for the other 23hrs in the day that you're not having sex? So to start with I'm not worrying about if they like me or not, I'm assessing their fun potential and if I might maybe want to hang out with them for the next 50yrs or so 😆 I mean if we all went around sleeping with people just because we're attracted to them, we'd be ending up with all manner of unsuitable people and perhaps lots of regrets.

Ah that's a shame about the one where you caught covid. Maybe he'd been messed around a lot? You can't help what he thinks though.

There'll be others. I don't believe in The One because how many people in the world? And everybody's The One just happens to live nearby and not in some part of the world they've never heard of? Nope, I don't buy that. I think there's a lot more than just One suitable person for each of us.

Is something going wrong on your 3rd and 4th dates then?

Op why can't you contact the guy you liked but had to cancel on because of Covid? You don't have to let men do the running. I know it's daunting but what's the worst that can happen?

A quick text saying, Hi there, I've recovered from Covid now and would like to see you again. No worries if you don't feel the same way. Have a good weekend.

I did and he didn’t answer! I was disappointed but oh well.

I’ve not made it to a third or fourth date but I recognise that most people my age will be comfortable with being a lot more physically affectionate than I will. But it also seems far too early to tell someone exactly how inexperienced I am.

On one date I just said that I had been single for a while and there was a horribly awkward moment when he asked how many years

Oh that's a shame but well done for trying!

Op I am no expert in this area but all I know is that we tend to be most attractive to others when we are fulfilled, calm, happy in ourselves. And if you tie yourselves in knots being anxious about what might be, you will find it harder to find the one. I know it's easier said than done, but I think you should try and be less hard on yourself and believe in yourself more.

You are doing all the right things: getting therapy, putting yourself out there, and setting your own boundaries clearly about not wanting casual relationships, so I think you just need to carry on, get more practice, believe in yourself, relax in to it, and don't give up! And remember that most people you meet will have their own fears and worries.

It sounds like you just haven't met the right person yet. My current partner was not my first boyfriend but I still didn't sleep with him for 2 months. Didn't put him off me. You got to do whatever is right for you. And sometimes it's going to be awkward when you meet up with a random person on the internet, that's just life. Don't give up.

Just a warning - getting to a fourth date is hard.

Most men you will meet through OLD will expect sex on the third date, and even if they've been decent up until that point, if you tell them you're not going home with them, they'll turn downright unpleasant.

I find dating hard enough with my boundary of not wanting to jump into bed with a stranger - if you won't even kiss someone, you're really going going to struggle using the apps. Might be worth looking into other avenues - can your friends introduce you to any more real life connections?