How do you know when a relationship should end ?

[PLaurel]

Hi everyone I’ll try keep this brief. Married for 20 years 3 children 14 down to 6. Both DH and I work but over the years I’m work down by

1. He always puts himself and his family / friends first. Eg He spent our wedding with his mates , he cycles with his mates , his family do nothing for us (all men )but if they’ve something on he drops us like a hot snot
2. His work takes priority. He never drops the kids to school etc , I have that horrible morning struggle every morning to get our the door etc. he works when he wants for how long he wants but if he has a friend lunch/ physio appt etc he can up and leave
3. I gave to ask and ask for any support - he doesn’t offer - does it but I have to ask first
4. I pay all bills/take care of house / kids Even help put his Father ..

5.he’s gone off on cycling etc trips with no notice just announces it day before etc - I’m expected to stay .. i did it “back “ recently and he took it as an excuse to go away again because quote “ you did it “

1. Accepts no responsibility shows no planning / forethought/ consideration or kindness

He just floats on my life I think ? We’ve no major issues - I can’t argue with him because he just walks away or goes cycling ! He just lives a single life but avails of my nice hotel and the life I have. I look around and lots of mane seem to do this - float about like a cloud on their partners hard work and complain when we ask for more input.

My question is is this it ??? I do everything anyway - he just seems to add to the washing/ mess. There’s no kindness. I’m not devastated just work out , dumbfounded and a bit angry now.

In your case I would say about 20 years ago. Does he bring anything to the relationship?

Your list is plenty good enough.

Imagine your life without having to cater to his selfishness.

You've done your time / sentence with this man. Time to look over the horizon.

No to be honest. He just seems to take now. It’s got worse post Covid. He’s a good Dad and never has an issue with sharing finances etc it’s just there’s no input - I feel like I’m married to a teenager and it’s worse now than years ago. There’s no team work - he does what he wants and I struggle around him. His friends are slightly older with a lot of grown up kids so they are freer - well freer than I am. I just don’t know anymore - If I won the lotto I’d leg it.

You are obviously very unhappy, PLaurel, which will ultimately affect your health and your children.

If there is no communication you cannot negotiate. The time has come for you to put an end to this apology for a relationship and I hope that is a feasible suggestion. I do realise it's easier said than done.

You leave when it's not making you happy in spite of your best efforts. It's time for you to leave.

Thanks everyone I’ll get on with it. He won’t take responsibility. He refuses to move out etc when I bring it up. Always expects it to blow over. I just needed some clear unambiguous advice. I’ll have to instigate it to make it happen.

He sounds like a leach in every regard.
Of course he won't move out of his own accord, he has a kushy life sponging of your money and your soul.

It is interesting how you describe him as "a good dad".

From your description he sounds pretty rubbish, treating their mother poorly. Awful role modelling for them. How can they become respectful partners if all they've seen is their dad treating their mum like a skivvy?

Tbh I wouldn't tell him I was planning to leave, I'd prepare by getting professional advice and getting paperwork in order, looking for a new home (if that's what you need) etc.

Keep the process as straightforward as possible by being ready to go through with it when you tell him rather than having to ease through treacle together.

What an absolute prick he is. Just a pity you ever married him.

You are doing all the giving. All the effort, the responsibility for ensuring DC are looked after and catered for. He's doing what he wants, utterly selfish and entitled.

Your life would be easier without him. One less person to clean up after. You'd lose the resentment you feel at being taken for granted and used. You might one day meet someone with whom you can have a healthy, loving and supportive relationship - not an option while you're still married. And if he is a good dad, he'll want to parent equally post split, and you will get some 'me' time - more than you currently do.

He isn't going to instigate a split, as he has the best life.... does what he wants, when he wants, footloose and fancy free, while someone cleans up after him and does the 'wife' stuff.

Your life will get easier and his will get harder when you split up.

Thanks ladies. I’m a bit teary now. I’m so fed up with it and the fact that he doesn’t accept or see it. We went to counselling (online ) and after a few sessions I called it because it was all about his work and his entitlement to free time because he worked so hard ?? He just didn’t get that I’m facilitating him to have that free time! The counsellor was aghast at the non announced/ agreed cycling trips .. and couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t tell anyone he was going. His reply silenced him and me “I know if I don’t take the time I won’t get it so I take it “. That was just before Christmas. I was hoping to get my youngest into 2nd level before I escape. But one thing I’m not turning 50 with him. I looked at the pile of dirty clothes dumped in the garage (beside the clean clothes drying and stinking them out ) then I got a text quoting “ I’m taking the weekend of the 9th April to go sailing. If you’ve something else on that weekend let me know “. Just your sons birthday. I really really hated him at that moment and the feeling has just intensified last few days. I so so SO want to be free 🙏

And I never ever ever want to get married ever ever ever again

I mean, he doesn't even pay to stay with you. That's insane. A maid or a nanny or a landlord would at least be paid.

It's not just that he isn't paying his way, it's that he is literally taking food from your children's mouths. Because you're spending what you earn on bills. Whilst he fucks off on holidays.

If you're struggling to get him out, could you sell up the house and let him think you are moving somewhere else together...and then just, not? Amd get a lease with just your own name somewhere instead.

Well done for realising things are never going to change EVER as long as you’re in a relationship with him. I escaped a similar relationship at 51 and I’m so much happier, I should have done it years ago!

I should clarify that whilst I pay the bills he pays the mortgage - from a joint account. I do all the savings - try put money away for kids college etc I run the ship - he works and sometimes walks the dog ( to get a coffee even that isn’t solely for the dogs well being ). A good dad - now I’m rethinking that one - he’s their pal, doesn’t discipline them but he loves them AFTER himself. If we were in the Titanic - he’d find a nice comfy seat for himself his protein bars and email his CEO. I am realising i despise him and it’s an exhausting feeling. I’d love to take a hammer to his fin bikes.

@PLaurel

Thanks everyone I’ll get on with it. He won’t take responsibility. He refuses to move out etc when I bring it up. Always expects it to blow over. I just needed some clear unambiguous advice. I’ll have to instigate it to make it happen.

Tell him the marriage is over. Don't be drawn into any discussions about it like before. Act completely different than before. "The marriage is over, I won't change my mind, you have to accept it".

Do you sleep in the same bed or room still?

I can’t really afford to break up but I can’t stay anymore. I’m grumpy all the time (except in work ) and I’m walking the dog all the time to escape him. I go to bed early to avoid him etc. I’ve said to him why are you here ? Why do you stay when you can go stay with your Dad ? (Why would he coz he’d have to care for the man ). No solution other to sell the house and downsize. Issue is I know he’ll want his “equity “. From what I’ve experienced I’ve thr years he would never see it as the kids future. Yes you’re right I wish I’d never married him. I shouldn’t have married him. I recall a moment at the wedding when he was “having a cigar out with his mates “ and I thought ehhhhh - but I went and danced with my friends but it was the first time I thought ehhhhhh. Life got busy then and we were abroad etc then kids. Now kids are getting more independent and after being stuck with him in Covid where not once ! Not once did he bring his younger two to school (walking distance ) and took over my home office (more nb job ). Etc etc etc etc. I HAtttttttte him.

See a solicitor before telling him you want out. They might advise you things that you should find out/do before telling him.

And no we’re in separate rooms. One of the kids was ill for a while last year (recovered now ) so I slept apart with them in case they needed me. I never went back so I sleep on a mattress in a six year olds bedroom and whilst he has the king with the en-suite. My mind boggles at his unkindness. I am so getting out. As I type these I feel ridiculous.

Sounds like an incredibly emotionally empty marriage.

He could be one of those types that wanted 'A Woman' - they go after someone pretty, cheerful, sensible, and dutiful. If they can afford it, their hope is that they will gain a housewife, eventually. The ones who can't afford that still exoect their wives to do everything even if they work. These types just want to spread their genes and are looking for a suitable woman to almost single handedly raise the children at little inconvenience to them. They just plan on going about their business like nothing happened. The fact that their female partners have needs and would like a break either never dawns on them, or they don't care (because deep down they think that all women should love doing all the domestic stuff).

He sounds like a weight in you. Except for work, he's just in the passenger seat of your life.

Except for him fighting for his half, could you afford to split?

See a solicitor

Thank you ladies. I woke up this morning feeling emboldened and ready to go. No I can’t really afford to split unless he’s willing to cede some equity towards the kids and take a smaller share. He might do this for them as long as I am seen not to gain. I have some savings and I can take in more pay/responsibility in work later this year. I’m making a year plan and I’ve started looking at house prices etc. I had a quiet word with my parents last night and they’re ready to help if I need it. (note after a week of appearing to eat dinner only He’s off cycling again today whilst I do soccer drops etc ) Oh if I could go back to my 22 year old self what I could tell her. I threw the weddi g album away last night too - couldn’t bear to open it. Anyway onwards and upwards thanks to everyone who posted - i jar desperately needed some independent perspective. Hope you all have some good luck 🤞

Did you respond to that text? Say “just your sons birthday you selfish git” you want out so start calling him out. What effort does he put into you? Where’s your relationship? This is just ridiculous. Being a good dad is fine. Great. But you get to have a life and someone interested in you you know. You’re a person. Get rid of this deadweight. It’s beyond ridiculous. There’s no point to this man. So boring and self centred. Go see a solicitor and find out where you stand. This time next year you could have a boyfriend who actually wants to spend the weekend with you! Imagine how lovely that would be

Your marriage is over.

And you can always afford to leave. You might not have the exact same standard of living or the long term financial security you hope for, but that isn’t as important as your day to day well-being.

Life is short. Look at Shane Warne - dead at what, 52 or 53? No point having savings plans and masses of equity to enable you to live a comfortable retirement if you’re spending every day in misery. You don’t even know if you’ll make it to retirement, but if you do you’ll be even more ground down and unhappy than you are now if you stay with him.

Start making plans. Take it day by day and try not to feel too overwhelmed at the long term.

Ignore those posters talking about finding a new fella, that’s really not important. Better to be alone and happy and loving yourself and your life than focusing on a selfish, self absorbed freeloader.

The standard to which we hold ‘good dad’ status is really really low. He is not a good Dad. He is not a good role model to your children.