Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to end this short term relationship. Message help

52 replies

Hopefullyoneday12 · 03/03/2022 22:03

I have recently been enjoying / not enjoying a casual relationship with someone. But he just isn't as keen on me as I am on him and isn't putting as much effort in as I have been. Although when we do speak (almost daily) we get on really well, he tells me about his life and his day and the sex has been some of the best times of my life.

But, we started speaking and meeting up in December and it's now March and I'm still feeling confused and like it's a challenge. Or that I'm just not quite good enough to get his full attention.

I don't want to ghost him or block and delete as he hasn't done anything awful but I would like to send a message saying it's done because I know that if he sends me a normal message I'll just reply and this thing will just slowly keep burning out which is more painful.

I can't keep spending my days thinking about when he's going to reply or want to meet up with me. It's been 2 weeks since I've actually seen him. So I do know that it's over.

Help on forming a nice but to the point message, If anyone has time. Thanks x

OP posts:
CPL593H · 03/03/2022 22:11

"This isn't working for me anymore, I wish you well for the future"

Then block

OP, you sound very worked up about a really short relationship, so it seems to me that you want to "finish" it in a way that will actually provoke a response from him. Seriously, don't bother, if men are keen they let you know. It isn't angst ridden. Things I wish I'd known at 18 Part 2857359

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/03/2022 22:13

"I've been thinking and this isn't working for me so I wish you well for the future but don't want to keep seeing each other. All the best."

Keep this in perspective - not been seeing each other for long, not seen each other for a couple of weeks, and it hasn't progressed.

I would send something like the above and then personally I would block just to draw a line under it in my head and move on.

Onwards and upwards Thanks

JellybabyGina87 · 03/03/2022 22:16

I'd just tell him you like him as a person but you don't think it's going anywhere.

optimistic40 · 03/03/2022 22:19

I think I would tell him the reason, but only if he cares enough to ask. So my initial message might be that I think we are looking for different things and wish him well. If he then responded seeming interested in what went wrong then I would tell him that I felt a lack of effort / interest and would prefer to keep my options open for someone looking for the same as me.

spotcheck · 03/03/2022 22:24

I don't understand why you need to block someone though- how unnecessarily hurtful. He hasn't been abusive or threatening, you just have a different pace going.

I do agree with the above posters though,- just say it isn't working for you.

However.
I think sometimes people want to rush into the next step without enjoying where you are at.

You talk every day?

You've seen each other enough times that there has been sex, and multiple episodes.

What would feel normal for you?

Original poster
Hopefullyoneday12 · 03/03/2022 22:30

Thank you.

@spotcheck .. I agree that I wouldn't want to just block him out of nowhere but I don't know how much self control I have in terms of missing him and starting to message him again. But I'm finding it upsetting knowing that he isn't as in to me as I am him. I'm giddy for him and it's been upsetting I feel like a fool.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/03/2022 22:34

I don't understand why you need to block someone though- how unnecessarily hurtful. He hasn't been abusive or threatening, you just have a different pace going.

I personally have found that after short term relationship break ups where it's fizzled or simply not progressed it's often kinder and easier for both parties if a line is drawn, and blocking removes temptation / drunk messaging / falling back on one another when things aren't really any different / either party leading the other on until they do meet someone then drop the original person etc.

I'm quite grateful that in the past when I was dating, a couple of other people have drawn a line under things definitively because it's allowed me to move on way more quickly and not get hung up on them or romanticise the break up.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/03/2022 22:36

And to be clear, I agree blocking without first addressing that you don't wish to keep seeing each other is unnecessary (unless they're a dick obviously which isn't the case here) but once the break up conversation has happened I genuinely think it's kinder and healthier in most situations to go no contact including blocking. Then both people are free to move on properly and have the potential to have their headspace and heart free for someone they can progress things with.

hashbrownsandwich · 03/03/2022 22:40

You need to be assertive and concise but you could use the fact you've not seen eachother in a few weeks as an obvious start?

'I've had time to think since it has been a few weeks since we last saw each other'.

I had someone like this way back and it was just never going to go anywhere. Met my husband a few weeks later!

AcrossthePond55 · 03/03/2022 22:51

"I've given it a lot of thought and our relationship isn't working for me so I am calling 'time' on it. I wish you the best in your life. There's nothing to talk over so please don't contact me.

I think blocking wouldn't be a bad thing if you don't trust yourself not to respond to him if he contacts you.

ChangingStates · 03/03/2022 22:57

Just curious, how do you know he's not into you? People have different ideas about what kind of contact they need / want and not being in touch a lot or seeing you all the time does not necessarily mean he is not into you- may just like to take it slow. Have you tried telling him how you feel or asking him how he does? After all, if you are deciding to end it, you have nothing to lose.

Original poster
Hopefullyoneday12 · 04/03/2022 07:05

Just curious, how do you know he's not into you? People have different ideas about what kind of contact they need / want

Because he makes minimal effort to see me. It always seems to be just a little too inconvenient for him to meet up but if he wanted to, he easily could. And he goes ages before reading my messages sometimes. The opposite of how it was at the beginning. And this should still be the beginning it's only 3 months ... I feel desperate and rejected and anxious a lot of the time, like I'm trying so hard to make him want me ...and it would better for me to bow out than keep feeling like this

OP posts:
LondonWolf · 04/03/2022 07:08

@Hopefullyoneday12

Just curious, how do you know he's not into you? People have different ideas about what kind of contact they need / want

Because he makes minimal effort to see me. It always seems to be just a little too inconvenient for him to meet up but if he wanted to, he easily could. And he goes ages before reading my messages sometimes. The opposite of how it was at the beginning. And this should still be the beginning it's only 3 months ... I feel desperate and rejected and anxious a lot of the time, like I'm trying so hard to make him want me ...and it would better for me to bow out than keep feeling like this

Honestly I wouldn't say anything at all to him - he's obviously not at all invested. Just block and disappear. You don't owe him anything.
Joystir59 · 04/03/2022 07:13

@Hopefullyoneday12

Just curious, how do you know he's not into you? People have different ideas about what kind of contact they need / want

Because he makes minimal effort to see me. It always seems to be just a little too inconvenient for him to meet up but if he wanted to, he easily could. And he goes ages before reading my messages sometimes. The opposite of how it was at the beginning. And this should still be the beginning it's only 3 months ... I feel desperate and rejected and anxious a lot of the time, like I'm trying so hard to make him want me ...and it would better for me to bow out than keep feeling like this

If it's better for you to bow out then do so. You need to send a short clear message such as "this isn't working for me, so I don't want to see you any more. Good luck for the future" and then block him to prevent you waiting for a response. In other words, stop contact. Then recover from the pain of doing so.
wingscrow · 04/03/2022 07:26

I think the issue is that you described this as a ''casual relationship'' yet you expect the guy to behave like a committed partner.

A casual relationship is based on sex and not much else. It is also not meant to develop into anything more in the long term.

Be honest with yourself and maybe accept that you can't do casual. Because it is not really fair on the guy if you both started something that was meant to be a FWB or purely casual sex set up and then you blaming him for his lack of investment...

So going back to your question I would send a brief message saying that you enjoyed your time together but that you now realise you don't really want to pursue a casual relationship and you want to focus on meeting a long term partner that can offer you commitment.

Then you move on.

Shinydiscoballs1 · 04/03/2022 07:39

Please stick to your guns here. I ended up wasting just under 2 years on a guy like this who I was waiting for to change.
Sex was great-but he gave me nothing.
He never changed, when he thought I was ending it he would make promises but they never lasted and I ended up very miserable and it affected my mental health. I wish I'd ended it completely the first red flags I got.
Just be straight to the point and polite, but please if he comes back or tried to make promises, don't be sucked in

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 04/03/2022 07:47

The thrill of the chase is a cliche because it's true for some people. The reasoning behind blocking him is for your recovery, it's not a personal dig at him. Plus he will either say "who is this?" Or "I'll come round" and you'll be going round in circles. Well done on knowing your worth.

needingpeace · 04/03/2022 07:48

Do you know much about him? Is he actually married or got another GF? It would explain the difficulty. How well do you know him? If it was me I wouldn’t randomly message. Leave it. Get on with your life. If he messages then wait 24 hours and reply. “Oh hi! Haven’t heard from you in ages. Not really interested to meet up again. I’m looking for someone who’s more reliable/interested. No hard feelings. All the best mate” then do not respond to anything else. Use this as training to get away from this giddy stuff you talk about. Discipline. Distract yourself

Shuffleuplove · 04/03/2022 07:56

Hmmm. Wait.

Before you bin him, have a read of “attached.” (Can’t think of the author, Amir Levine maybe)

Anyway, it sounds like you have an anxious attachment style. (So do I) and the way to manage that is to just tell him. Tell him exactly what you’ve put here. Be rigorously honest and say it. It’s scary but what’s the worst that can happen? The best is that he accepts this is how you’re wired and works with it.

FWIW I did this with my current squeeze and fully expected him to run a mile - we are so socialised to not appear keen, make him do the running etc. He didn’t flinch and said “ok.” And tells me he loves me/misses me etc and stays in touch more than he would do, far more, if I hadn’t said.

Good luck.

Shuffleuplove · 04/03/2022 07:58

Amazon told me I have ordered 4 copies so far. I have bought it for friends, such is it’s wondrous ness.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 04/03/2022 08:00

Do you actually want to end things or are you hoping that by saying you want to end things he will realise he doesn't want to lose you and will change his behaviour?

If you want to end things then a simple this relationship isn't going anywhere and I think it's best if we end things here. Best wishes blah blah.

But if what you actually want is him to meet your needs then a more open conversation about the relationship and how you feel would be better. It may well still be that you decide to end things or he does but at least you will have talked it through.

UnsuitableHat · 04/03/2022 08:07

As others have said something like "Have given it some thought and this relationship isn't working for me at the moment" & wish him all the best, or whatever.
I agree with blocking if him replying will weaken your resolve. I guess if you're not likely to see him again if you break up (e.g. he isn't connected to your friendship circle), he doesn't really need to stay in your contacts.

AnImposter · 04/03/2022 08:50

I'd just stop doing anything, stop replying etc, and let it fizzle out naturally. Keeps your dignity in one piece!

Aprilx · 04/03/2022 09:40

@Hopefullyoneday12

Just curious, how do you know he's not into you? People have different ideas about what kind of contact they need / want

Because he makes minimal effort to see me. It always seems to be just a little too inconvenient for him to meet up but if he wanted to, he easily could. And he goes ages before reading my messages sometimes. The opposite of how it was at the beginning. And this should still be the beginning it's only 3 months ... I feel desperate and rejected and anxious a lot of the time, like I'm trying so hard to make him want me ...and it would better for me to bow out than keep feeling like this

You are correct, he is not at all into you although you say it is a casual relationship so no reason why he should be. This sounds relatively easy to wind up, a short message that it isn’t working for you and then I probably would block because it will help you to resist any temptation. But of course there is no reason to block / ghost him without saying a word.