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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want to end this short term relationship. Message help

52 replies

Hopefullyoneday12 · 03/03/2022 22:03

I have recently been enjoying / not enjoying a casual relationship with someone. But he just isn't as keen on me as I am on him and isn't putting as much effort in as I have been. Although when we do speak (almost daily) we get on really well, he tells me about his life and his day and the sex has been some of the best times of my life.

But, we started speaking and meeting up in December and it's now March and I'm still feeling confused and like it's a challenge. Or that I'm just not quite good enough to get his full attention.

I don't want to ghost him or block and delete as he hasn't done anything awful but I would like to send a message saying it's done because I know that if he sends me a normal message I'll just reply and this thing will just slowly keep burning out which is more painful.

I can't keep spending my days thinking about when he's going to reply or want to meet up with me. It's been 2 weeks since I've actually seen him. So I do know that it's over.

Help on forming a nice but to the point message, If anyone has time. Thanks x

OP posts:

Wiredforsound · 04/03/2022 09:58

Is it even a relationship? Sounds more like a casual FWB to me. Just stop communicating with him.

OrlandointheWilderness · 04/03/2022 10:02

Perhaps if he hasn't actually done anything awful and you do really like him you need to talk to him rather than abruptly dumping him?! Maybe he just isn't the all guns blazing type, or doesn't realise that you need a little more input?

Didimum · 04/03/2022 10:15

If it's a casual relationship, I'm not sure why you would expect (or even want) to get his 'full attention'. Sounds like a casual relationship, at least with this guy, isn't for you. For him, you are there for sex and to stroke his ego with the attention you give him – sorry if that's hurtful, but that's what it is. This isn't for you, message him that this isn't working for you anymore and that you wish him well.

2Gen · 04/03/2022 12:17

@CPL593H

"This isn't working for me anymore, I wish you well for the future"

Then block

OP, you sound very worked up about a really short relationship, so it seems to me that you want to "finish" it in a way that will actually provoke a response from him. Seriously, don't bother, if men are keen they let you know. It isn't angst ridden. Things I wish I'd known at 18 Part 2857359

This OP! He doesn't want to be anymore involved with you than he is, and if he does meet someone he's really is interested in, he'll dump you or worse still, keep you on the side to use as and when he pleases. Which sounds like that's what he's been doing. Send him the message @CPL593H has written and as she says, block him. He's using you and wasting your time, so you owe him nothing but you do owe yourself better than being used like that!

Original poster

Hopefullyoneday12 · 04/03/2022 12:54

Thank you all.

I appreciate that it is a casual relationship, but even in a casual relationship it would still be nice to know he was at least excited to see me and speak to me. It's hard liking someone a lot and it not being reciprocated, even though I know I can't expect him to. It was predominantly a sex thing which was going great until his desire for me just sort of ebbed away.
He messages me almost every day but it feels forced.

I appreciate all the suggestions.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hopefullyoneday12 · 04/03/2022 16:00

Typically I've been thinking about this message all day.

Then suddenly after days of half arsed texts he sends me the sweetest voicemail. Suggesting we do something at the end of next week. Sounding really caring.

Why though. It's like a sixth sense that my interest is wavering. Bad timing.

OP posts:

Chamomileteaplease · 04/03/2022 16:16

I agree with the person who wonders what you expect from a "casual relationship".

I think it must mean different things to different people.

I think it is fine to end things with him if the whole thing is upsetting you and making you feel not good enough .

However, now he has left that voicemail I bet you want to see him again just to see how it pans out.

Why don't you lower your expectations, keep your options open looking for someone more committed if that's what you want, but keep seeing him as an interim bit of fun?

Onthedunes · 04/03/2022 16:26

You are trying to play hard to get with someone who doesn't want you.

You mulling over the ending message is just another ploy to get him to return to you.

You need to end it now before you become further involved and upset.
You both want different things from this union.

FlowerArranger · 04/03/2022 16:28

@Hopefullyoneday12

Typically I've been thinking about this message all day.

Then suddenly after days of half arsed texts he sends me the sweetest voicemail. Suggesting we do something at the end of next week. Sounding really caring.

Why though. It's like a sixth sense that my interest is wavering. Bad timing.

He is suggesting you do 'something' (???!!) at the end of NEXT week?

Really? Surely you will have other plans...

I second a PP's suggestion of reading Levine's book on attachments, as you are clearly 'anxiously attached'.

Also read this - it's a classic: WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.

Both books will give you insight on how you view relationship's and provide strategies on learning to be more secure and less dependent on any passing male who deigns to play with you.

Tortabella · 04/03/2022 16:30

End of next week is a long time. He doesn't sound like he's making you happy or making much effort.

But now is definitely the time to reply with a text saying,

Thanks but while I would like to, I feel like we're not really going anywhere, and it's best to end it now.

Or along those lines. No harm in letting him know how you feel.

RantyAunty · 04/03/2022 16:40

His message is a tiny crumb. Imagine him leaving the exact same message for several women.
Send one of the messages on here and block him.

Mermaidwaves · 04/03/2022 17:07

Him messaging has given you the perfect timing to end this, he's probably sensed you backing off so he's upped his game, it won't last though.

I would be vague and polite, a brief sentence ending it and leave it there. Do this before you get more involved and hurt as the longer it continues, the more hopeful you get. You look for every little thing as a sign that he really does like you as much as you like him.

I was you OP, two years ago, anxiously awaiting a message from mine while he played with my feelings, played hot and cold and I was a fool. He dropped me for a proper girlfriend after a while and it hurt like hell, don't be me OP.

Ttcfinalbub · 04/03/2022 17:26

Because he knowsssss and wants to hook you back on for a bit. Send the message move on

Bluebeck · 04/03/2022 17:33

Oh OP I have been where you are and it bloody hurts

Do not get reeled back in. Send one of the aforementioned messages and then block him on everything. You can keep sticking your hand back in the fire but it will still burn.

BuddhaForMary · 04/03/2022 17:43

You say it's casual. He's BEING casual. He hasn't really done anything wrong. If it's not enough for you through, then it's not enough. I do wonder a little bit that you're hoping if you say it's over he'll get his act together and not want you to end it?

I say this because been there, done that!

Have you responded to his voicemail yet?

WaiveringKate · 04/03/2022 17:43

It does hurt. What I don't understand is the reeling back in and keeping you stuck around.

I agree with blocking.

PoshWatchShitShoes · 04/03/2022 18:31

He's keeping you dangling. Then when he fancies some intimacy, he's nice. Leave him in the sea and don't engage!!

Also, don't get into "I like you more" as the reason. It's clingy and plays to his ego.

Yousexybugger · 04/03/2022 18:35

Meh you want more, or at least regularity and he's not so keen. I'd draw a line under this. Just say 'nice to hear from you but on reflection, I think best if we leave things here. It's been lovely getting to know you but not really working for me. All the best'. No need to block etc unless he becomes a nuisance but don't waiver and drift back into this. It's not making you happy.

Suprima · 04/03/2022 18:38

@Hopefullyoneday12

Typically I've been thinking about this message all day.

Then suddenly after days of half arsed texts he sends me the sweetest voicemail. Suggesting we do something at the end of next week. Sounding really caring.

Why though. It's like a sixth sense that my interest is wavering. Bad timing.

‘At the end of next week’

He doesn’t give a shit and is keeping you dangling. You fit into his schedule and nothing more.

You need to realise you are this man’s FWB.
You are not his girlfriend. A casual girlfriend doesn’t exist.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/03/2022 18:43

@Hopefullyoneday12

Typically I've been thinking about this message all day.

Then suddenly after days of half arsed texts he sends me the sweetest voicemail. Suggesting we do something at the end of next week. Sounding really caring.

Why though. It's like a sixth sense that my interest is wavering. Bad timing.

OK, you have two choices. One is to accept the relationship on his terms with him putting you in the toy box and taking you back out when he wants to 'play' and then putting you right back in until next time. Or you end it and try to find someone who will return your affection full measure AND give you the attention (and respect) that you deserve.

A friend just ended it with someone who was a "When I have the time" guy, like yours. She finally got sick of sitting around waiting for him to catch up to her 'level of caring' and realized it was never going to happen. She sent him the 'not working for me text' and hasn't heard from him since.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 04/03/2022 21:31

The thrill of the chase. Any port in a storm. He wants sex. Drop him. Trust your gut

PerditaPerdita · 05/03/2022 05:02

You need to TALK to him.

Read the thing about anxious attachment.

Go and see him next week.

Monty27 · 05/03/2022 05:05

Block

Twiglets1 · 05/03/2022 05:49

@Hopefullyoneday12

Typically I've been thinking about this message all day.

Then suddenly after days of half arsed texts he sends me the sweetest voicemail. Suggesting we do something at the end of next week. Sounding really caring.

Why though. It's like a sixth sense that my interest is wavering. Bad timing.

To be blunt, he probably felt horny hence the sweet voicemail.

KindlyKanga · 05/03/2022 05:54

Just say he's a great guy but it's not really working for you so you don't want to meet up any more.

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