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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OW or mental health episode

28 replies

cleanbreak2022 · 03/03/2022 19:58

Ok, so my (ex) partner and I were together for 15yrs, two kids mortgage the works. We were leading a nice life, not perfect by any stretch.

Back in November during an argument he said he didn't love me. 2 weeks before Christmas he left to live at his mums. Left me with a 7yr old and a 1yr old. 14 days before Christmas.

Within that two weeks he started asking me for money from the house etc. I have been in touch with solicitors and mortgage company and now all is in hand for me to start buying him out. He has been paying for the mortgage but with the agreement this would stop end of March when I am due to take over.

A few weeks ago I was doing hand over with our kids and he broke down into tears, absolute sobs, I assumed someone had died. This was the most emotion I had seen from him since the split (it hasn't been pleasant and his behaviour has been emotionless). His mood was so low I told him to see a GP and called his mum as I was genuinely concerned he would harm himself. He had moved into his own place by this point and has been refusing to give anyone the address.

So here's my point. I have read 100's of posts on MN about 'the script' and decided there must be another woman and have been making my peace with with that. However, since he left, he hasn't shaved or had a hair cut. He looks awful, downtrodden and isn't making any effort in his appearance.

As he has been refusing to offer me his address i had to put my detective hat on and work it out. (I need an address for the legal paperwork) I've found the place he is living in and had to have a snoop (I know this isn't ideal, but who wouldn't!) a friend of mine and popped round there to double check I had to right door number and had a peek through the window. Apparently, it's like a bad version of a student house, a tv and sofa, no curtains, no soft furnishings/comfort etc. my (make) friend said it wasn't pleasant and I would not allow my children to visit if I saw it,

So now I am concerned about his mental health, I'm satisfied there is no OW or surely he would be making more of an effort in his home and his personal appearance.

When all is said and done he is the father of my two children and I do feel I have to make sure he is ok, for them.

Am I being naive or am I missing something here?

OP posts:

Dearblossom · 03/03/2022 20:07

Mental health episode.

RandomMess · 03/03/2022 20:09

Does seem much more like a MH episode.

I would see if you can talk to him again and perhaps not rush through the finances if he agrees to postpone and it's affordable.

Original poster

cleanbreak2022 · 03/03/2022 20:13

He's impossible to talk to. After his sobbing moment, I saw him again a few days later and asked if he was feeling better. He replied with 'it was only a moment of regret. I stand by what I've done'

48 hours before that though he told me he 'didn't know himself anymore' and his 'mind was in chaos'.

Anytime I've tried to speak to him and ask for an explanation all he says is 'stop making me say it, I don't love you anymore'

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Original poster

cleanbreak2022 · 03/03/2022 20:14

@RandomMess

Does seem much more like a MH episode.

I would see if you can talk to him again and perhaps not rush through the finances if he agrees to postpone and it's affordable.

On one hand he's pushing for it all to be signed over, on the other, he won't give me the information I need to proceed!

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Bookworm20 · 03/03/2022 20:15

Could be a mental health episode.
But equally, as he seemed in right frame of mind when leaving you right before Xmas, it could be that he’s left his family for ow who has subsequently decided she doesn’t want him/not leaving her partner for him and he’s now realised he’s left with Didley squat nothing.
Which would result in him feeling more than sorry for himself.

Original poster

cleanbreak2022 · 03/03/2022 20:20

@Bookworm20

Could be a mental health episode. But equally, as he seemed in right frame of mind when leaving you right before Xmas, it could be that he’s left his family for ow who has subsequently decided she doesn’t want him/not leaving her partner for him and he’s now realised he’s left with Didley squat nothing. Which would result in him feeling more than sorry for himself.

I hadn't considered that angle. Although the entire thing has been out of character. I always considered him too lazy to leave!

I'm doing well and recovering from the entire thing (slow but progress) but now I have no idea if he's going to go the same way as his dad. His dad ironically did the same thing at the same age of the second child and subsequently became an alcoholic

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RedPinkRose · 03/03/2022 20:38

He sounds very confused. My suspicion would be the same as yours. My exh’s behaviour around the time he left our marriage was very erratic. He admitted to feeling confused. At other times he was extremely cold.

Like you, my suspicion that there was someone else was there from the start and it grew. He denied it, of course. I listened to and read a lot about affairs and limerence and learned that vacillation is common. If your ex has met someone else, deciding to leave will have been a very big and difficult decision. Educating myself on the subject actually massively helped me to understand and eventually come to terms with what had happened. I didn’t want to be bitter, angry or on bad terms with my ex - and I’m not. There are many features of the experience which are common (hence ‘The Script’). Not providing a forwarding address suggests he’s hiding something, OW, debt, addiction etc.. It’s very hard to remain calm during the process and I definitely had to dig deep many times but I figured it was pointless being angry at him, there was nothing I could do to change the situation.

We get on great now and a few years on are both in new, happy relationships (he with the woman I suspected he was involved with very shortly after he left our marriage).

If you are interested in learning about what he might be experiencing if there is someone else, I recommend this podcast: m.youtube.com/watch?v=QI1Lu6j2VLo Joe Beam explain that the brain chemistry is experiencing highs are lows so the persons behaviour can appear erratic.

I felt the same way that you do, my ex is the father of my children and ultimately I will always love him and want him to be happy.

Original poster

cleanbreak2022 · 03/03/2022 21:09

@RedPinkRose

We get on great now and a few years on are both in new, happy relationships (he with the woman I suspected he was involved with very shortly after he left our marriage).

I felt the same way that you do, my ex is the father of my children and ultimately I will always love him and want him to be happy.

Thank you. I'll look into it. I'm now thinking that his head may have been turned, but I truly don't believe he is in a relationship. His appearance doesn't lead to trying to 'impress' a new love. The living room isn't presentable for a guest, let alone a female! He has no heating there (he told me this and I didnt believe him) and apparently the sofa has many rolled up blankets on it?! If it is a mental health episode he needs to address it. If it's something else, addiction for example, he will also need to address it.

I have to look after him, as that's looking after my childrens best interest. At the same time, I'm deeply hurt and still very angry with him. I can accept the breakdown of a relationship, but I really didn't see a split coming. This is a man that barely leaves the house if it isn't for work or the occasional night out!

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Mermaidwaves · 03/03/2022 21:54

I agree with @Bookworm20 there was an OW but that's broken down and he's left with nothing, that's why he's appearing so downtrodden. Is this recent or has he looked this way the whole time he's been gone? Men rarely leave their lovely wives and home unless they've had another offer.

Original poster

cleanbreak2022 · 03/03/2022 22:05

@Mermaidwaves

I agree with *@Bookworm20* there was an OW but that's broken down and he's left with nothing, that's why he's appearing so downtrodden. Is this recent or has he looked this way the whole time he's been gone? Men rarely leave their lovely wives and home unless they've had another offer.

He left the two weeks before Xmas, then he managed to bring covid into our house on a visit on 27th, so we had to isolate. When he returned after covid that's when I started to notice.

He was awful to me that first month - 6 weeks. He seems to be sinking now, where as I seem to be recovering. So the more I think about it, I think he may have been dumped and the slow realisation of what he has destroyed is creeping in.

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GayANDguilty · 03/03/2022 22:30

Do you actually want him back?

Sofacouchboredom · 03/03/2022 22:31

My husband presented like this. It was a MH crisis BUT also an affair.

He was an absolute mess. I couldn’t believe that the OW couldn’t see the state he was in. But I guess she only knew him in crisis so just didn’t recognise it.

I’m not saying this is what it is, just that it is possible. Do not rule this out or think it’s over with the OW.

I know your instant thoughts are to support him but oxygen mask on first. You are still reeling. Whatever His reasons he has walked out on his young children and left you picking up the pieces.

Original poster

cleanbreak2022 · 04/03/2022 06:17

@GayANDguilty no I don't think I do. It would be impossible for me to forgive his behaviour and the trauma he has inflicted on my children. I do need to offer stability to my children though, and with him living like this, it's very hard to do. I also need the stability of our home being in my name so I know we'll be ok.

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Original poster

cleanbreak2022 · 04/03/2022 06:20

@Sofacouchboredom thank you. Yes I am still reeling and very reluctant to help. Breaking the habit of years of tidying up after his is hard. I'm conflicted as looking after him is in the best interest of my children, but not necessarily in my best interest. I have to consider my mental load also and taking on someone in this frame of mind is draining.

How did it end up in your situation? Did your (ex)h (?) recognise the crisis in himself or did it get worse?

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Sofacouchboredom · 04/03/2022 06:50

I have sent you a PM @cleanbreak2022

I don’t want to railroad your thread with my complex story.

But dealing with a MH crisis is full on and that’s bad enough without dealing with the trauma of your own abandonment. Oxygen mask on first. Pass the looking after him onto his family.

You have your own pain to process lovely, pain he should never have passed onto you.

Original poster

cleanbreak2022 · 04/03/2022 12:33

@Sofacouchboredom thank you so much, I have replied

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Gottamakesense · 04/03/2022 15:15

That last bit about his dad leaving and becoming an alcoholic when child was the same age makes me wonder if some kind of trauma has been triggered by the baby's age. But also breakups and leaving a family are surely hugely stressful and upsetting and could easily lead someone to struggle. It's just a question of whether the struggle is cause or effect of the breakdown.

SapatSea · 04/03/2022 17:16

He might have been on a promise with Ow but has been let down by her
He might feel life is not all that it should be and that he wanted out. However, the reality of living in a dump, without all the "home comforts" you provided might be a nasty shock and bringing him down.
He might be depressed.
He may really believe he is no longer is in love with you (Mating in Capitivity/familiarity syndrome)
He might have been triggered by the baby's age and his alcoholic father.
He may not really know why he wanted to leave or said what he did.

Whatever, you have to put your MH first and stay strong (as you appear to be doing) for your DC. He can't unsay that he doesn't love you - it will always be there. I'd proceed with the legalities- you have an address now (ask him to confirm it) and also his parents address and presumably his work address. You've told his mother about your fears.

Id speak to him and say you want reassurance that his new place is safe for contact and no one else lives there (not a house share) or suggest an alternative contact place like his mother's house.

Original poster

cleanbreak2022 · 04/03/2022 17:42

@Gottamakesense agreed.

I've spent the day reflecting on the last 6 months, and his behaviour started to change around October.

I think it's making sense to me that a mental episode may have begun, another woman turned his head and he had a tiny insight into single and fun life.

Now that's all fallen to sh*t the mental health is plummeting.

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sweetbellyhigh · 04/03/2022 17:52

Does the cause of his unhappiness matter?

He is an adult and he has cut you out of his life, what is there for you to do?

I would feel concerned about the children going to someone so unstable and to such a decrepit house though. I'd probably try to get an order for supervised visits.

He'll be up somewhere that will force him to confront his demons, either in court or fired or homeless. Hopefully he'll come to his senses.before then but these rock bottom moments are often the turning point for someone who has lost their way either because of MH issues, addiction or inability to take responsibility.

None of these are your responsibility, you need to focus on yourself and the children.

Original poster

cleanbreak2022 · 04/03/2022 17:56

@SapatSea that is what I'm feeling, I do have this small part of me that is saying 'don't proceed'. I don't know why, because I feel stronger than I did and believe I'll be ok. I feel that in my gut.

We have a holiday booked to Mexico next month (it was to celebrate is 40th in two weeks) but for obvious reasons he is not coming. I'm still taking my children and my parents are joining me. I think im worried about what he may sink to when the kids aren't here and the routine of seeing them is gone and he may receive the legal paperwork.

I don't think I want to reconcile, which is why I can't reason with the 'don't do it' feeling.

I think there's a part of me that wants him to realise what he has destroyed, at the same time I don't want to see him sink. It's such conflicting emotions that I don't know which way to turn. At the moment im doing nothing.

He just said to me 'I still need to give you my address' yes you do. I can't understand why he doesn't take the 10 seconds to send it. It's all bizarre!

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Original poster

cleanbreak2022 · 04/03/2022 19:26

@sweetbellyhigh very true. At the moment the visits are collecting from my home, taking them out and bringing them back. I just hoped for a more even co-parenting relationship, rather than the selfishness he is displaying.

Also, I guess it would help me reconcile what happened to my life and the 180 change in direction it went. I can be satisfied that I am not the awful human being he has painted me to be. That 'I' didn't make him so miserable, that the issue is so much more deeper than that.

We was partners for so long, that I'd like to think if I had a mental health issue that there would be some concern for my well being and support for that.

I'm a sucker for judging by my own standards though and I never learn

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Gottamakesense · 04/03/2022 19:38

Yeah I'm not sure my previous comment was that helpful, sorry. Regardless of what's behind him leaving, or his behaviour now, you have yourself and your children to look after and that is quite enough to be getting on with.

sweetbellyhigh · 04/03/2022 19:42

[quote cleanbreak2022]@sweetbellyhigh very true. At the moment the visits are collecting from my home, taking them out and bringing them back. I just hoped for a more even co-parenting relationship, rather than the selfishness he is displaying.

We was partners for so long, that I'd like to think if I had a mental health issue that there would be some concern for my well being and support for that.

I'm a sucker for judging by my own standards though and I never learn[/quote]
You are not an awful human being and now is a good time for you to change his narrative about you.

You won't do this by focusing on him though. You can start to rebuild your confidence by sticking with people who treat you well, ie by putting firm boundaries in place.

I suspect you are not at all a boundaries person given the partner you chose, maybe get a little professional support for yourself?

What was your upbringing like? Does your family support you or criticise you?

Original poster

cleanbreak2022 · 04/03/2022 20:30

@sweetbellyhigh I have arranged some counselling for myself.

My upbringing was great, a very supportive family who have really helped me through this time. I am the problem solver of the family though and everyone comes to me and I tend to be the one to 'fix' everything

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