OW or mental health episode

[cleanbreak2022]

Ok, so my (ex) partner and I were together for 15yrs, two kids mortgage the works. We were leading a nice life, not perfect by any stretch.

Back in November during an argument he said he didn't love me. 2 weeks before Christmas he left to live at his mums. Left me with a 7yr old and a 1yr old. 14 days before Christmas.

Within that two weeks he started asking me for money from the house etc. I have been in touch with solicitors and mortgage company and now all is in hand for me to start buying him out. He has been paying for the mortgage but with the agreement this would stop end of March when I am due to take over.

A few weeks ago I was doing hand over with our kids and he broke down into tears, absolute sobs, I assumed someone had died. This was the most emotion I had seen from him since the split (it hasn't been pleasant and his behaviour has been emotionless). His mood was so low I told him to see a GP and called his mum as I was genuinely concerned he would harm himself. He had moved into his own place by this point and has been refusing to give anyone the address.

So here's my point. I have read 100's of posts on MN about 'the script' and decided there must be another woman and have been making my peace with with that. However, since he left, he hasn't shaved or had a hair cut. He looks awful, downtrodden and isn't making any effort in his appearance.

As he has been refusing to offer me his address i had to put my detective hat on and work it out. (I need an address for the legal paperwork) I've found the place he is living in and had to have a snoop (I know this isn't ideal, but who wouldn't!) a friend of mine and popped round there to double check I had to right door number and had a peek through the window. Apparently, it's like a bad version of a student house, a tv and sofa, no curtains, no soft furnishings/comfort etc. my (make) friend said it wasn't pleasant and I would not allow my children to visit if I saw it,

So now I am concerned about his mental health, I'm satisfied there is no OW or surely he would be making more of an effort in his home and his personal appearance.

When all is said and done he is the father of my two children and I do feel I have to make sure he is ok, for them.

Am I being naive or am I missing something here?

As a "fixer" I think the mantra of "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it" (for carers and loved ones of those with addiction issues) holds true for your situation and your H.

You spent 15 years with your H, he was the one you relied on to have your back, had your Dc with. It's perfectly reasonable that you still care about him and it says a lot about you that you want him to be okay for the sake of your DC rather than revelling in his "fall." He has blindsided you and that will take a long time to process. Often on this board OP's are told to find their anger but sometimes the grief and sadness and confusion are dominant and overwhelming.

Maybe its a MH issue, maybe he's been dumped.
You say that its in your children's best interests that you look after him. You can only do this from a strong base - its definitely not in your children's best interests for him to drag you down with him.
Press for the legal paperwork to go through. That way you have a secure home for your children, which has to be a massive priority. Once that's done, you can look at what you can do to facilitate his parenting.

[quote cleanbreak2022]@SapatSea that is what I'm feeling, I do have this small part of me that is saying 'don't proceed'. I don't know why, because I feel stronger than I did and believe I'll be ok. I feel that in my gut.

We have a holiday booked to Mexico next month (it was to celebrate is 40th in two weeks) but for obvious reasons he is not coming. I'm still taking my children and my parents are joining me. I think im worried about what he may sink to when the kids aren't here and the routine of seeing them is gone and he may receive the legal paperwork.

I don't think I want to reconcile, which is why I can't reason with the 'don't do it' feeling.

I think there's a part of me that wants him to realise what he has destroyed, at the same time I don't want to see him sink. It's such conflicting emotions that I don't know which way to turn. At the moment im doing nothing.

He just said to me 'I still need to give you my address' yes you do. I can't understand why he doesn't take the 10 seconds to send it. It's all bizarre![/quote]
He made your welfare and that of your children not his problem when he abandoned the lot of you two weeks before Christmas.

His welfare whilst you are on holiday with your family is equally not your problem. He made a choice, he doesn't love you so much that he chose the time most likely to cause distress to your children and then started grubbing around for money over Christmas, deliberately causing you more distress.

There are consequences to any action. And he's got to deal with those. Not you.