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Original poster

This is a good enough reason to split

26 replies

JunoLunar · 03/03/2022 17:30

Told my dp I wanted to split after 20 years and two children.
He goes from acceptance to wanting a concrete reason.
I feel like he brings nothing to the table.
Conversation is all on his terms about his interests.
I have to initiate every day trip, holiday, switch of energy suppliers, job change, promotion, house move, school for dc, educational intervention, food shop!
He has always been like it and I just ignored it as I had drive enough for both of us. I thought it would be contagious.
I didn't want him to become just like me, but I'm exhausted of being responsible.
Things like if I go out there is no homework completed, no nutritious food cooked, no lunchbox prepared.
He's not lazy just... unaware?
My fear is growing old with him.
This is a good enough reason right?

OP posts:
YellowHpok · 03/03/2022 17:31

Yes. Absolutely.

VioletVesper · 03/03/2022 17:40

Everything you’ve said makes sense as reasons for leaving him but the fact that you just don’t want to be with him anymore is Pete you adequate by itself.

VioletVesper · 03/03/2022 17:41

@VioletVesper

Everything you’ve said makes sense as reasons for leaving him but the fact that you just don’t want to be with him anymore is Pete you adequate by itself.
*Perfectly adequate No idea who Pete is! :-)
MissAngorian · 03/03/2022 17:44

Yes. It's more than enough of a reason.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 03/03/2022 17:47

Of course, it boils down to lack of respect really. You dont respect him because he hasnt behaved in a way that is worthy of it by dumping all of life's planning and unpaid work on you. Having no respect for someone is a very valid reason not to want to spend the rest of your life with them.

LeroyJenkinssss · 03/03/2022 17:50

It is absolutely a good enough reason and you don’t have to justify yourself to the nth degree. However from his point of view he hasn’t changed and, unless there’s a back story of multiple previous conversations, you’ve suddenly decided enough is enough despite there being no dramatic change in roles/responsibilities. That must take some time to wrap your head around it.

PicaK · 03/03/2022 17:54

Yes but... You still have to do those things if you split. The load doesn't lighten.
That said it feels easier when you're doing it just for you

Ginandcrispsarebliss · 03/03/2022 18:06

Yes. Definitely.

BlueSummerBaby · 03/03/2022 18:14

You don't need to justify yourself to him. You can give a reason if you want to but you don't have to. He has to accept your decision regardless. I suspect he wants a reason so he can pick holes in it and start telling you why you're "wrong". You're not wrong, because any decisions you want to make are valid. Nobody has to stay with anyone, ever. Not even if they can't work out the reason and just somehow know they want out.

BlueSummerBaby · 03/03/2022 18:15

So you don't need to engage in conversation about why he disagrees with breaking up. You can just break up anyway with out his agreement.

Fairycake2 · 03/03/2022 23:25

@PicaK

Yes but... You still have to do those things if you split. The load doesn't lighten. That said it feels easier when you're doing it just for you
This is true but the resentment isn't there which makes a huge difference
pointythings · 04/03/2022 09:48

Leaving you to carry the entire mental load is absolutely reason enough, as is you having reached the point where you've had enough of him not stepping up.

Doing it alone because you have to is quite different from doing it alone even though you have a partner who should be doing their share.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/03/2022 09:55

Absolutely yes. You need to tell him everything you wrote down. Everything you do every. And that he should have been doing 50% of it and now he has to.

Good luck, and well done for realising that you deserve better!

overtherainbow2022 · 04/03/2022 10:06

Yes! I am in a similar situation and feel like after almost 20 years of having the same conversation and him changing for a few weeks and then going back to his normal pattern of no help and no teamwork I have given up. I no longer ask for help. I just get on with my life and look after my kids. He is my best friend as in he makes me laugh, I love his company when we get to chill together, I still want him and can't even think of being with anyone else. But I feel disrespected every time he doesn't do something that would help us all. If I ask he will do things eventually but why do I have to ask. Why do I have to be responsible enough for us all. If he has a day off his day is his. If I have a day off I have to organise the house, the kids, him and have a full action plan. I don't want to end my marriage but I am lost. I would love for him to grow old with him but I am terrified of spending the rest of my life being the responsible one, the one who like after him. Who will catch me when I fall. Ok l, this offers you no advice but you are not alone in feeling this way.

Petsop · 04/03/2022 10:12

Yes it absolutely is. Your concrete reason is that you are looking for a partner in life. Partnership is about shared responsibility, shared work, building life together. If he doesnt contribute then he’s moved himself from your partner to an extra child to care for.

ThisBloodyNoiseInMyHead · 04/03/2022 10:17

The post could almost have been written by me - except I've accepted that my husband is different to me. In the 42 years I've been married, I've booked every holiday (including carpark booking, transport, hotel, pet-sitter, insurance, currency, the packing), sorted out the car insurance (2 cars), home insurance, energy/broadband suppliers, etc. I've done all the shopping, meals, laundry (apart from last year when I was very ill for 3 months). I've always bought all the birthday/Christmas presents and cards. I'm better at those things.

He has:
Provided the income (I can't work at present as convalescing), the moral support, the DIY, fixing cars/washing machine/dishwasher etc. He's been the more grounded, laid-back, easy-going one. We play to our strengths.

ThisBloodyNoiseInMyHead · 04/03/2022 10:18

Just to add - if you go out/are busy, then of course your husband should do the dinner, help with homework, etc.

Thatsplentyjack · 04/03/2022 10:19

Yes it is and you have just described my situation. It's tiring.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2022 10:28

You only need to give your own self permission to leave him and I would not JADE your decision made either (i.e justify, argue, defend, explain).

urrrgh46 · 04/03/2022 10:32

Personally think it would be better to try counselling and him understanding and changing some of his behaviour before you leave a marriage if this length and the inevitable fallout of that.
If after that it's not better then absolutely it's a good enough reason to leave.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/03/2022 10:36

You don't have to justify yourself. What you've said above is enough. He is comfortable and just doesn't want to be moved from his comfort zone so is reluctant.
You may have to file for divorce and just get it done because it doesn't look like he is going to agree to anything.
Why would he - he lets you run all your lives.

gonnascreamsoon · 04/03/2022 11:42

@JunoLunar

My fear is growing old with him

I feel like he brings nothing to the table

These ARE your 'reasons'. There's really nothing else to say.

Just tell him there's nothing to be gained by rehashing the 'details' or 'minutiae' of every.....single.......day, of all the times he COULD have 'stepped up' and assumed 50% responsibility, but DIDN'T, for the last 20 years.

All he's actually looking for is an 'excuse' to 'blame' for the break-up. (And yes, he would try to 'blame' YOU for not 'telling him' Hmm so he could have a 'chance to change' Hmm i.e Everything is still YOUR responsibility ! Hmm)

FinallyHere · 04/03/2022 13:24

to wanting a concrete reason.

So, even when you say you want to separate, his reaction is to try and get you to do the 'work' of explaining why.

I wouldn't be interested in staying with someone like that. They would feel like a child rather than a partner.

Pixiedust1234 · 04/03/2022 13:37

its good enough. He only wants concrete reasons so he can argue with you and get you to take the blame for his laziness. He wants to turn it all around on you, dont engage. And yes, he is/was lazy. He can't be bothered to be aware of what needs doing.

Fernandina · 04/03/2022 13:47

It seems to me that there is a perfectly good reason.

You don't love him any more.

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