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Original poster

Couples Counselling - Does it work?

27 replies

Juzzi78 · 03/03/2022 16:37

Hi, A Father and Husband here, this is the first time I've logged on / posted so please forgive any faux-pas!

We have 2 Children 11 and 13. When the 2nd came along my wife didn't have much time for me and I totally got that, we had 2 beautiful boys to occupy our time.

When the manic first 4-5 years had passed I tried to work on getting our relationship back, suggesting 'us' time, the intimacy that we used to have, I spoke about this too (yes a bloke that opens up lol) basically I tried over several (7) years to try and get back the relationship/connection we had. It didn't work.

Just recently things started to feel much worse. For the last year, my low mood about us got her down too and we've reached a point where we are so far apart I'm not sure we can recover.

We've had a counselling session individually and then once together, after what has been 5 very painful weeks.

The session made me reaslise she is so far away from me that even affection is a step to far at the moment - although she is willing and keen on the couselling. I'm really struggling with the difference in our starting points and its very hurtful, feeling how strongly I do, how little she does.

I would love counselling to work but I'm just not sure we will ever get there.

Any insights into how it worked for you, regardless of the outcome would really help me at this point. Whether that's to let her go, or endure the pain in the hope I'm wrong.

A female insight and experience would really help me. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 03/03/2022 16:39

What does she want to happen ?
Has she said she wants to stay or split ?

GeneLovesJezebel · 03/03/2022 16:40

How old is she ?

CornishGem1975 · 03/03/2022 16:49

Yes, it can work but only if you both want it to.

My ex-DH wanted me to go to counselling but I knew it wouldn't change my mind about how I felt, it would have been a pointless exercise. I wanted to leave, it would have just prolonged it.

Original poster
Juzzi78 · 03/03/2022 16:56

Thanks for the replies.

We are both mid 40's. She says she wants it to work. I want it to work but I'm having a hard time dealing with where we are.

My worry is how far apart we are now, but also the fact I've wanted more than we've had for several years - I want what we had before the boys came along. I'm not sure we have the same goals

OP posts:
Postdatedpandemic · 03/03/2022 16:59

Yes, it can work but only if you both want it to
This totally

Well done for recognising what different starting points you have. It can be very hard to accept the reality of where a relationship has got to.

Do you have a common goal of rebuilding your relationship?

Is there any chance your wife is heading towards perimenopause?

Affection, intimacy and sex are all different things, remember this.

Original poster
Juzzi78 · 03/03/2022 17:06

We are both in it so I have to take her word for it that she wants this to work.

Perimenopause... possibly, I'll ask Dr google for some details. I'd probably better not ask her!!

Yes I get the differences. We are at stage -1, I being a typical bloke want to be at stage 3. Not just for the physical side but I've always connected emotionally this way.

OP posts:
Postdatedpandemic · 03/03/2022 17:29

Big deep breath, you are never gonna shag like you did in your twenties again. You are getting close to the age when you discover it is possible to sit on your own balls.

GeneLovesJezebel · 03/03/2022 18:14

Is she making any moves/effort towards making it better ?
Some people are happy the way they are and might not really want to change. I suppose you need to decide what you will accept, and what is the point at where you go.
You have every right to be happy, as does she.

Aria2015 · 03/03/2022 18:25

I've experienced marriage counselling and it helped for us but we did go early on, as in fairly soon after noticing we were drifting. I think that makes it easier to get back when the ‘good times’ are still fairly fresh in your minds. It's motivation to get them back. The positive in your case though is that your wife has said she wants to try and make things better. Perhaps rather than focusing on your different starting points, try and focus on your shared goal of getting to a better place. You may take different routes to get there, one of you might take longer than the other too, but as long as you both end up in the same place in the end, that's what really counts.

The main thing I will warn you about counselling is, that things can get worse before they get better. Resentments and past hurt can be dredged up as part of you both confronting and exploring how you came to be where you are. We had some pretty bad weeks where it felt like the counselling was doing more harm than good, but then we started to let go of stuff as we worked through it and we both felt lighter and more positive towards our relationship and each other. It was a journey but a positive one for us.

Wishing you the best of luck with it all.

Pinkbonbon · 03/03/2022 18:25

What commonly happens is the wife ends up doing more than her fear share of the childcare and house work and a such, is too bloody knackered to even think about shagging. She also grows to resent the husband as he isn't pulling his weight and hasn't for so long that she thinks 'why the bloody hell would he even think we would go back to the way it was before the kids?'. Does this sound familiar with regards to the concerned she has raised?

Also, echoing pp, the sex is unlikely to go back to the way it was when you were in your 20s.

If you've any hope of getting things back on track intimacy wise though, make sure you are doing your share around the house. Also keep in mind that intimacy is not sex. She may feel that any time you are say, offering her a massage or running her a bubble bath, it is because you are only after one thing. And that can give people the ick.

Original poster
Juzzi78 · 03/03/2022 19:13

Aria, thanks for your reply.

Pink, I do 90% of the house work. Actually since the children I took over most of the shared household responsibilities so she could focus on being a mother. Ironically she doesn't like that try to keep the house tidy, kitchen clean. I still do most of it even now. #NotATypicalBloke :) :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Juzzi78 · 03/03/2022 19:19

Gene, thanks. Yes she is defo a happy to go with the flow kind of person which may be why my wanting to get our connection back in the earlier days wasn't really taken on bored.

I am now at the point where I'm having to consider my own happiness. This has been very difficult and months more is hard to imagine. I have a choice to make for sure which is why I'm asking for you all for you input. Taking to strangers with no motives or connections is really helping

OP posts:
Original poster
Juzzi78 · 03/03/2022 19:25

How long is a piece of string.

How long would you think it takes to get to a reasonable point. Weeks, months, years? There is no infidelity, violence, just drifted apart with some more recent arguments dragging us down.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 03/03/2022 21:08

Some people stay because it’s easier than leaving.
Some people just can’t say that it’s over.
Some people stay for money, or security,
or companionship or because they don’t want to only see their kids 50% of the time.

GeneLovesJezebel · 03/03/2022 21:10

How long should you give it ? I don’t know, but don’t leave it so long that it ends up no point leaving because you left it too long.
If you’ve already had counselling she must see you’re at crisis point, surely.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/03/2022 21:11

This sounds like you want more sec and she doesn’t.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/03/2022 21:11

Sex🙄

olafsven · 03/03/2022 21:35

It can work.

Hopefully it will help you to move to more of a neutral position than the current one where you blame your wife

"We have 2 Children 11 and 13. When the 2nd came along my wife didn't have much time for me"

independent98 · 03/03/2022 22:16

Hi, I recently did three months worth of couples therapy after going through a rough patch with my partner and we are both sincerely grateful that we did it. Couples therapy provided another avenue to look at the relationship and undertake new methods and ways to turn things around which it did. Although couples therapy is Taboo, I highly recommend it. Please note that it will be tough but it will be worth it in the end.

Vbaby86 · 03/03/2022 22:32

This has been really interesting to read.

I am on the start of this journey, I hope.
Myself and my husband have been drifting for a few years. It has been difficult after having the 2 kids (8 and 2) to get back to our relationship.
I think I am like your wife in that I have avoided intimacy, I am often drained, feel unappreciated by my husband, do 75%+ of everything from the childcare, to housework, to arranging home improvements, speaking to tradesmen etc.
I know you've said that for your wife it is not her who is responsible for everything so things aren't completely the same but I see a lot of similarity in the path that you are on.

We have had some big disagreements/fights over the past few days/weeks and it has come to a head and I have suggested counselling and now left the ball in his court as he isn't a man who ever really shares his thoughts/feelings.
I am very keen for counselling to work and although I think he thinks I don't love him, I do, I am just frustrated about always having to take the lead, always being in charge, while he just let's life flow past him.
I am not sure how to encourage him to try as life is easy for him with me doing everything so why would he want it to change. But I need it to.

Original poster
Juzzi78 · 03/03/2022 22:53

Thanks Inde.

Vbaby, sound similar but with a few toles reversed. I hope it works out for you. A couple years ago I was trying to get us counselling, she was the same as your husband, she didn't see any problems so avoided it. If I could go back in time I wouldn't take no for an answer, I'd get her there however I could, then maybe we wouldn't be is such a bad place. Now we are both at rock bottom it seems like its insurmountable.

OP posts:
Grimsknee · 04/03/2022 01:20

@Juzzi78

Aria, thanks for your reply.

Pink, I do 90% of the house work. Actually since the children I took over most of the shared household responsibilities so she could focus on being a mother. Ironically she doesn't like that try to keep the house tidy, kitchen clean. I still do most of it even now. #NotATypicalBloke :) :)

This is a bit confusing. What do you mean by "being a mother"? Do you mean you took over 90% of everything so she could do nothing but play with the kids, take them out, have fun with them? Or does "being a mother" include cooking kids' meals, ferrying them around, doing all the school admin, medical appointments, clothing them, etc, etc. Those are shared parenting responsibilities - are you doing 50% of them? Bit puzzled by this: " Ironically she doesn't like that try to keep the house tidy, kitchen clean."

Also that hashtag, oh my god. Your persistent bragging about how you're not like other men (yawn) suggests that you think you're doing fine and you don't take any responsibility for the issues between you. If couples counselling is going to be effective, BOTH partners need to work on their part.

SunshinePie · 04/03/2022 06:53

Yeah I picked up on how “wonderful” and “fantastic” you are as a dad…..that is massive red flag. You obviously have trouble seeing your flaws and behaviour that is negatively affecting your wife - and EVERYONE has them! No human is perfect. Maybe you need to work on hearing your wife, hearing what she is trying to say, hearing things from HER perspective.

Pinkbonbon · 04/03/2022 07:49

Maybe she feels she has been put on this 'mother' pedestal and lost her identity as a person?

'Focus on being a mother' ...jeezo, that would bore me out of my box xD I'd go doo-lally.

Also sounds like your actions of cleaning are annoying her. That probably either means she feels you are too much in her space (maybe she isn't getting enough time to herself without you and the kids?). Or...she has got the ick.

I'm sure she has told you plainly what her concerns are but maybe you don't wish to share them here as opposed to it being you not listening.
We don't know.

But tbh this just sounds like a 'staying together begrudgingly for the kids' thing. I suspect she just doesn't want to split because she knows that would land her with the majority of the childcare AND more bills.

horseyhorsey17 · 04/03/2022 08:49

I had couples counselling last year and it didn't work, my husband turned up but wouldn't engage and eventually the counsellor told me my options were putting up with the marriage as it was or leaving, which I felt was unhelpful at the time, but has turned out to be true. Neither of us can change to become the different people we need to be to make the marriage work, unfortunately. I also think that if you need couples counselling, you probably know really that the relationship won't work, but maybe that's just me being cynical.