Couples Counselling - Does it work?

[Juzzi78]

Hi, A Father and Husband here, this is the first time I've logged on / posted so please forgive any faux-pas!

We have 2 Children 11 and 13. When the 2nd came along my wife didn't have much time for me and I totally got that, we had 2 beautiful boys to occupy our time.

When the manic first 4-5 years had passed I tried to work on getting our relationship back, suggesting 'us' time, the intimacy that we used to have, I spoke about this too (yes a bloke that opens up lol) basically I tried over several (7) years to try and get back the relationship/connection we had. It didn't work.

Just recently things started to feel much worse. For the last year, my low mood about us got her down too and we've reached a point where we are so far apart I'm not sure we can recover.

We've had a counselling session individually and then once together, after what has been 5 very painful weeks.

The session made me reaslise she is so far away from me that even affection is a step to far at the moment - although she is willing and keen on the couselling. I'm really struggling with the difference in our starting points and its very hurtful, feeling how strongly I do, how little she does.

I would love counselling to work but I'm just not sure we will ever get there.

Any insights into how it worked for you, regardless of the outcome would really help me at this point. Whether that's to let her go, or endure the pain in the hope I'm wrong.

A female insight and experience would really help me. Thanks in advance.

@Juzzi78

We are both in it so I have to take her word for it that she wants this to work.

Perimenopause... possibly, I'll ask Dr google for some details. I'd probably better not ask her!!

Yes I get the differences. We are at stage -1, I being a typical bloke want to be at stage 3. Not just for the physical side but I've always connected emotionally this way.

It’s not because you’re a ‘typical bloke’ intimacy, sex and affection are very important in any relationship and without will likely see the breakdown of a relationship. My mother and father tried counselling before they separated, it worked for a while but there was too much of a distance between to get back what they once had.

OP, read you initial post back to yourself. It answers most of your questions.

Having young children is not an excuse to check out of a relationship. Even if there is a health issue (which I'm assuming there wasn't), both of you have a responsibility to the relationship.

Your message didn't mention sex. It mentioned intimacy. They are not the same thing and I think you know this. You want moments to share between both of you in and out of the bedroom.

It seems like you're sharing parenting and household responsibilities properly. Actually you suggest you're doing more than a fair share. A successful intimate and fulfilling relationship is not a negotiation (besides what some will say on here). You've a legitimate right to a loving and caring relationship.

You can't expect to have the same relationship now as you did in your 20's. when you're much older the nature of the relationship will change again.

What you can expect is equal partnership in the relationship and you can't s expected to shoulder the legitimate concern for its future.

Marriage guidance is just that. Guidance. It's not a cure for all problems. It facilitates two people finding a solution. It only works when both parties want to find a solution. Even when they do, it can't fail.

Honestly, she sounds like she's not in the slightest bit bothered by the state of the relationship. Either she decides to step up or it's going nowhere. You're fooling yourself to think that a marriage councillor will change this. She's at fault.