How do you let go, when neither of you want to?

[gotstuckinamoment]

I don't know how to explain this in a way that isn't a giant cliche and/or outing.

But basically, I know we both want to be together, it's just the circumstances don't permit it. Usually with a break up, at least one person doesn't want to be together anymore.

We've gone no contact for months, and I still think about him all the time. How do you move on? I think it feels worse to think he feels the same way I do. Every day is a struggle not to message him.

I'm guessing, you remind yourself that one or both of you is married???...

Quite...

But you don't both feel the same or you would be together. It really is that simple. I have been in the exact same situation, one married, one not. We went no contact loads of times but it never lasted because neither of us wanted it to be over. But, if we had both felt the same then it would have happened, and it didn't. Talk is cheap, all the flowery words in the world mean nothing.

Move on with your life, free yourself to meet someone who can be with you. Be free from this, it really is no life hankering after someone you will never be with.

I feel like this about a man I had a short relationship with. We didn’t bring out the best in each other and it became toxic quite quickly. The genuine love and ‘want’ to be together was intense and fulfilling but we can’t be together and it hurts.
As crazy as it sounds I don’t want anyone else, even though I don’t think things will ever change with his lifestyle so I just carry on with my day and hope my feelings fade for him.
I know he feels the same, weird right

There is no easy answer. You go cold turkey - no contact and no looking at his social media posts. It hurts but it will hurt less with time. Move on.

@Dozycuntlaters I'm trying to hear you. I am. We feel the same way about each other, but I guess we feel differently about the situation. He would rather just live in the moment, whereas I don't want to be in a relationship that is doomed to fail because of something that will definitely happen in the future.

@Unsurprised456 How long has it been for you?

I know what you mean - I'd rather be on my own if I can't have him (and I know I can't have him). I've toyed with the idea of dating other people, but it doesn't feel fair to attempt to start something new when I'm clearly still hung up on one person.

I swear, it took less time to get over my ex-DH and that was a very, very long relationship. I think this feels worse because I had never experienced such an intensity with anyone (not even the ex-DH) and I feel like I'll never get it again.

@mdh2020 He's actually not on social media, which I thought would help, but actually feels worse. We've gone cold turkey with contact and actually stuck to it, and not knowing how his life is going feels painful. Is he at least finding happiness elsewhere? I don't know. I suspect he's still feeling as miserable as I am, but I don't actually want him to be miserable, and I have no way of checking without breaking the no contact rule we agreed to impose. Not cracking is so hard.

I wasn't an angsty teenage girl at all. It feels like life has saved up all of that and thrown it at me now instead...

Sometimes life isn’t fair. Sometimes it doesn’t work out how you hoped it would.

You need to move on. Whatever the real reason is as to why you cannot be together, I stand by if he really wanted to be with you he would be. Please move on. However difficult. Otherwise another year or more will go by and you’ll still be stuck. Life goes too quickly to be hanging around hoping.

Why can't you be together? What's the thing stopping you from making a relationship with each other work?

So he's married? Is that it?

Or is it that you want kids and he doesn't? I think you need to be more specific in order to get more useful advice.

Without major details - this sounds the very similar basis of how me and my DP had started.

He was fresh out of a long relationship and certainly not wanting to be in another any time soon. Had responsibilities since moving out at 16 and wanted to 'live' as he put it.
Me on other hand wanted a relationship and secure future.

We tried to stay apart, most we last was 2 weeks before one of us made contact. Eventually, he realised that the connection we had was stronger than his desire to be 'young and wild'.

We have been living together for 2 years and have a baby on the way so my advice - if it feels like its worth it, persevire. All my friends told me to leave it, would neevr work out how i wanted.

Now im the happiest i have ever been, and I am glad I was patient whilst he figured out how fabulous i am (lol!)

@Woofwoofbarkbark @mistermagpie We both want and need different things out of life. One of things is, as you guessed, child-related. You can't compromise on wanting/not wanting children.

But none of that stops us from feeling drawn to each other, and wanting a relationship now, even though it's doomed to fail. Being together now would be setting ourselves up for even worse heartache in the future.

I'd say that if you don't want the same things from life then you've done the right thing by leaving.

I guess you'll have to take each day as it comes and live through then pain until it disappears.

Dating again may help. Have some fun OP. Don't wollow in this state. It will make it hurt more and time will drag on.

Who doesn't want children?

OP, I've been in love quite a few times in my life. Always harder when the relationship hasn't run it's normal course.

But there are so so many men out there. Trust me, there is more than one man out there for you.

Go out there and meet people. Have fun.

I've been in this situation over wanting/not wanting children. Relationship was doomed to fail, but we became friends with benefits! Difficult with strong emotions though. Maybe see each other less and less, date other people, etc - time will heal and put it in perspective.

You're not living in a romance novel or Love Actually.

You're an adult. You can't be with him just like you can't eat 3 pizzas and 4 tubs of ice cream for your tea. We can't always have what we want.

If you can't stop it from feeling shit by focussing on yourself, then focus on yourself by doing everything you can to make feeling shit a little bit better. And stop dramatising.

You can't compromise on wanting/not wanting children

You are both sticking to your guns on it when you don't have to, because your relationship isn't strong enough to change your minds. You are choosing not to be together, you're not the victims of life's unfortunate circumstance.

We split properly in September last year, saw him quite a few times until December when I made decision. I haven’t spoken to him for a few weeks now (3) and it’s painful.
I wonder how he is everyday, and send him my best wishes every time.
I’m happy as things are are the moment (on my own) but I can’t say feelings are fading as much as I’d have hoped for by now.
What about you?

Just have the relationship, forget about the future. We could be heading to WW3 anyway so you may as well live now

@Unsurprised456 It's been a little bit longer for me and things aren't fading either.

@Kellyagain Every so often, I have the same thought..

@Itsallinthebook I can understand how the religion thing was impossible to move past. I'm sorry you hurt so much from it all.

@Watchkeys I don't think I'm being dramatic. I will take away your comment about choosing not to be together though, and see if I can use that to reframe things and get some perspective. I know I desperately need some.

@wonderwoman26 Thank you for sharing your story. I can't decide it makes me feel better or worse, but I do really appreciate it! I'm glad it all worked out for you in the end.

Honestly though, I think life is too short to let some probably false beliefs stop you doing what you really want.

@wonderwoman26 you’re killing us 😂 I’m happy it worked well for you

One of my old school friends was in a similar situation to this - she'd started seeing a guy and then found out he was adamant he never wanted kids or marriage (she did). I think they separated for a while but they got back together and have been together for years now and seem really happy. I remember at the time when they got back together she said to me that he was what she needed and he made her happy. I'm sure she weighed up the pros and cons but the feelings must have been too strong to ignore!

Try to remind yourself that what you are enjoying most is the intensity and apparent passion while not having to put in any effort at all, since you are not seeing each other. If you were seeing each other that intensity would get diluted by, 'I thought you said you'd buy milk on the way home?' 'Can you please hang up your towels after you've had a bath?' 'Seriously, love, can you really not catch a spider and put it in the garden yourself?' Diluted by bathroom stinks and a love of food that makes you nauseous and obsession with deadly dull sports etc All the things you put up with in the day to day of a real, long term relationship because you know and love the person but don't idolise them and dramatise your every moment with them.

I think it feels worse to think he feels the same way I do.

I suspect he's still feeling as miserable as I am

But none of that stops us from feeling drawn to each other, and wanting a relationship now

I know this may be painful to consider, but it sounds to me like you are projecting your feelings of longing for a different reality onto him, and that's what is keeping you stuck.

You haven't spoken to him in months, so if you are honest with yourself, you actually have no genuine knowledge of how he is feeling right now. He may have felt sad about the relationship ending for a month or so and then started dating again. He may be living it up and shagging a different woman every week. He may even have started another relationship with someone who doesn't want kids.

You say you "suspect" he feels the same way – ask yourself honestly if this suspicion is grounded in anything other than you hoping/wishing that he not only feels the same way, but feels so strongly enough to change his mind about children.

Realistically, if it's his lack of desire to have kids that was the main block to the relationship, if he has missed you enough to consider changing his mind, he would most likely have contacted you by now. The fact that he hasn't should give you a reality check as to how he really feels.

Incidentally, you mention that your relationship with him was extremely intense. This can be a major red flag of the other person being a narcissist. Narcissists are usually very charming/exciting/glamorous and attentive early on in a relationship, and idealise you with statements like "You're the kind of woman I've always dreamed of" "I feel like we were made for each other/I've met my soulmate" etc and big hints or even promises about the future – "I could see us getting married" "We could have an amazing life together", even when they have only known you for days, weeks or a handful of months. It's extremely flattering and exciting – almost dizzying. You feel like you can't believe your luck.

But before too long, the intense excitement starts to wear off, and the narcissist seems to be experiencing doubts and excuses about why things actually can't work out for the two of you, even though only a few weeks or months earlier he was singing a very different tune. This sudden loss of attention and excitement can feel brutally disappointing and make you feel desperate to recover it.

I would encourage you to try to objectively consider your relationship as a whole. Was it truly all sunshine and roses and pure love and happiness before the sudden realisation that you were 'star-crossed' by your different desires around children? Or was there actually a mix of very good and very bad times, excitement and confusion/despair, you wishing strongly that the relationship could succeed, but feeling not-quite-good-enough and struggling to feel like you 'really knew' the other person?

Sorry I didn’t mean to!

Maybe I miss read the post! I just remember everyone telling me don’t bother, it’ll never work it’ll never happen. But when the connection is strong enough, one of you compromises on what you think you want.

Although having kids/not having kids is a very difficult hurdle xxxx