How do you let go, when neither of you want to?

[gotstuckinamoment]

I don't know how to explain this in a way that isn't a giant cliche and/or outing.

But basically, I know we both want to be together, it's just the circumstances don't permit it. Usually with a break up, at least one person doesn't want to be together anymore.

We've gone no contact for months, and I still think about him all the time. How do you move on? I think it feels worse to think he feels the same way I do. Every day is a struggle not to message him.

You appear to be avoiding the question about whether one or both of you is married? If that’s the case then you obviously need to let it go or make the necessary (and incredibly painful for all involved ) choices required to be together. If not, and if you are totally convinced you are the love of each other’s lives, then perhaps compromise is the only option?

Op if you want or already have dc and he doesn't, then I commend you for walking away.

Imagine being the child in a scenario where dad has reluctantly agreed to a child but is completely uninterested and disengaged. Imagine being a child whose step-dad very obviously resents their very existence.

Or imagine yourself wasting the last years of your fertility with a man who then buggers off when you hit menopause - leaving you alone again AND knowing you'll never have a child.

We see all of the above time and again on the Relationships board.

Stay no contact, concentrate on yourself and your goals. Let this be a fond memory, but move on. (Personally I find some hot no strings sex the best remedy but each to their own 😅)

I was a bit reluctant to add more details as I was hoping to avoid influencing opinions one way or the other.

I'm actually the one who doesn't want kids. As a woman in her late 30s, my fertility is declining anyway and the risk of it all going wrong is rapidly increasing. Men have much longer, so if we compromised on no kids and he later changed his mind, he could easily bail and have a child with someone else.

If we compromised and did have kids... I just don't think I could do that. I know I don't want them, and I think it would be unfair on a child to start life from a position of not being wanted. It's a lot you put yourself through physically, and I don't think you can do it unless you really, really want it. And I'm just too selfish to have children - I like my childfree lifestyle, and I'm not a good enough human being to look after a child with extra needs. You can't guarantee what sort of child you have, and yet you have to love them unconditionally, and I'm not maternal enough to do that. I have limitations, and I recognise them. I've spent a lot of time soul-searching, and I don't think I'm mother material.

And no, neither of us are married.

I thought he didn't want kids either - it came as a gut-punch when I found that that wasn't true. Although, I suppose it's entirely possible he thought he didn't want them before and changed his mind. Looking at our best traits, I think we'd have beautiful babies. I just wouldn't love them. Which is why I've walked away, because if he want kids, he deserves the chance to have them with someone else.

It hurts so much setting him free.

FWIW OP I have known from a very young age I never wanted kids, for a whole host of unshakable reasons, and I seemed to meet a string of men who either really wanted them OR, more upsettingly, pretended/said they didn't at first and then after we were committed revealed that they actually did want kids after all! Once or twice and I honestly look back on this in horror now I considered "compromising" by having kids I didn't want, and I am so glad that those were just fleeting thoughts in moments of madness. I ended up meeting a man just under two years ago now who had ALSO known for years and years that he was happily childfree for life, and we are such a perfect match in other ways too. I know this is absolutely zero comfort to you now, but I have been there thinking I was essentially doomed because I couldn't seem to find a man who didn't want kids/thought the relationships I was in in the past were "it" and the best I could do. I hope time will be a healer for you and that, in time, you'll find a better match who won't pain you

As hard as it must be for you OP, I think you've done the right thing. Having kids is difficult enough even when you actually want/plan for them, so I could imagine if you compromised on it, you could end up feeling resentful for the life you could have had. Good luck, hopefully you'll meet someone with the same wishes as you x

It's so hard isn't it. I'm in the most confusing relationship I've ever had. I've never had such strong emotions and feelings for someone. But there's alot of reasons why I shouldn't be wasting My time. When we are together it's great. When we are apart there's so many negative thoughts and worries in my mind. He's got alot of struggles and emotional worries and our relationship has being allover. Last year between March and July we stopped talking. In that time he spoke to me 2 days at the end of march and 3 weeks in May. The rest of the time we were not friends. I found myself thinking of him. I ended up thinking I just wanna wake up and not think about him anymore. It sounds balmy but I remember lying in bed imagining my dream boyfriend and the lovely things we'd do. I was trying absolutely everything to make me accept I didn't want him. I'd go in the fields with my kids and think about him as I walked. I'd sit with my coffee in the morning thinking. I'd check his profile every day. I could only see his profile photos but I still checked. I just couldn't get over him.
I remember just lying in bed one night and I cried and cried. I cried for the fact I was ever so cruelly shown a man I'd love but not get to have. I woke up the next day to a message and a friend request. I thought here we go again. We are now 7 months into a real relationship. Its been hard. Its not ideal.theres alot of wrong in it but somehow I'm just drawn to him. It's very difficult as I know I should also walk away.

Thank you - I was expecting to be crucified over being the one who doesn't want kids. I appreciate the kind words when I'm feeling so fragile.

@Puddington I've also had those fleeting thoughts - 'but what if I just...' And when I think about it, I realise how stupid it is. I can't force myself to want something that I don't, and have never wanted.

I just wish I'd known earlier that he actually wants to be a father someday. It really blindsided me when I found out.

I really want to be able to have a casual relationship with him and enjoy his time whilst it lasts, but I know I could never truly be casual with him, and my feelings would just get deeper and deeper. He wants to enjoy the moment - I don't think I can. It's one thing for a relationship to not work out, it's another to start something knowing it will definitely fail. :(

The thing I've learned is you feel how you feel. You don't get to choose who you fall for. How much you like them. Ideally we would quit when we first see a problem. Have you heard Selens

There's nothing wrong with not wanting children. I don't know there seems to be this stigma attached to women who don't want them.

But suppose you did have children to 'keep' him (for want of a better word), there's no guarantee you'd stay together anyway. Then you'd be a single mum to children you never truly wanted.

This sounds brutal but he's obviously decided a potential future with children and someone else is better than a future with you and no children. Time to accept you're not meant to be and move on. I'm sorry you're hurting though, but it WILL pass.

@MyGhastIsFlabbered Oh, I know. It's another good reason why you should never have children if you're not 100% all in - you have to love your kids enough to take that risk of being a single mum. I wouldn't. I couldn't.

He doesn't want to think about the future. (Can you tell he's younger?) He just wants to enjoy being together now, and not think about what happens down the line.

I'm the one who's called time. It's not he's chosen a possible future with someone who will have his babies, it's that because he wants a future with babies, I've set him free so he has a shot of that happening. I care about him, so it's a kindness.

I've never been so hung up on someone and I want to give myself a good shake. It's not like I haven't been in love before, but I guess all of my previous relationships ended really badly, so there was no reason to hope or pine. This is the first time I've had something that's ended and neither party has actually wanted it to.

I know I've got over men before, but right now, I honestly can't remember how to do that. Logically, I know I'm being ridiculous. I do. But my heart just hurts so much.