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Original poster

Too nice?

53 replies

Sonaftersonafterson · 03/03/2022 09:32

What a morning. No sleep, just shell shocked and cant think straight. Can anyone help me unravel this please, am I wrong?

I have been seeing a guy since last November. Admittedly casual as were both out of difficult LTRs and both have kids. It was said from the outset that this would never be anything serious. We met every couple of weeks for an evening together, cooking, chilling at his house and sex, cuddles etc. It felt affectionate. Not a relationship but what we had made me smile and I thought it was the same for him. We were due to meet again friday and we were chatting last night so I just asked him, are you seeing anyone else? He said yes Sad I was so shocked. Mainly because he had given me no indication and we had been having unprotected sex but also, it just seems so...well, mean.

We never had the exclusive chat but I kinda assumed mutual respect especially as we didnt use condoms but also because he always seemed so kind, so sweet, good morals. Yet he thinks this is ok. We've spent months chatting, sharing life, confiding, all of that.

He should have told me. I said that and he said, no, he didnt think he needed to. Which shows the huge gulf in between what I thought we had and what he views me as (a fuck).

I've ended it and blocked him. Tried to retain some dignity so he doesnt know how upset I am. He said his friends tell him he is "too nice" and that that may have fed into my misguided feelings. Too nice. Almost laughable. The audacity.

I dont know how to feel. Angry, hurt, stupid? A fool. Did I line myself up for this punch in the stomach ? Was I wrong to assume?

OP posts:
underum · 03/03/2022 12:12

@Sonaftersonafterson

Sad I know.

It's made me question myself though, I clearly have very bad judgement or I'm just bloody stupid. Of course there was someone else, I should have known I suppose.

It is good he was honest but I wish he'd been honest without me questioning him.

I don't think you have bad judgement nor are you stupid.

You like him, therefore you're subconsciously going to assume (or hope) that it's only you he's seeing.

I wonder if he's not been seeing her long and you picked up on a vibe and that's why you asked him now if he's seeing anybody else?

MermaidEyes · 03/03/2022 12:32

@Momijin

Because he should have told her as he's having unprotected sex with her . I bet he didn't tell her because he knew her well enough that she wouldn't be happy with that and end it. So let him suffer a bit and let him make sure that he at least protects himself and who he sleeps with by using condoms

This is supposed to be the modern age. A woman is just as responsible as a man for using condoms. If he doesn't want to then there are plenty of other men who will.

Original poster
Sonaftersonafterson · 03/03/2022 14:38

We used condoms the first time. I have a coil fitted and a clear STI check and told him this. He then said he was happy to not use them going forward. We were quite intimate/affectionate. He used to stroke me or just lay on my chest while I played with his hair, chatting about everything and nothing. It was never just cold sex. I'm just hurt. I knoowwwwww I shouldn't be but I really am.

Today feels weird. Such an abrupt ending and I'm having trouble not crying! Ridiculous. Need to woman up as kids are home soon.

Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
Sonaftersonafterson · 03/03/2022 14:42

@underum

Yes. I think it's new. He was being a bit quiet and I'd asked him twice about it...was he ok? Seemed quiet? He just said he was fine, busy, but wanted to see me and we had a date arranged for tomorrow. But I kind of felt 'something' .. couldn't work it out so yeah, just asked him and got told straight. I asked him if he wanted it to end with me, he said no, but that he enjoyed intimacy and wanted to be honest about the other person, seeing as I'd asked. If I hadn't asked, he wouldn't have told me and I'd have been at his house tomorrow night.

OP posts:
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 03/03/2022 14:46

Pretty common behaviour, I learnt the hard way not to trust men without them earning it. Also I learnt the ones who make a point to say that they are 'too nice' 'easy going' etc are actually the complete opposite.

Shunter350 · 03/03/2022 14:53

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

Pretty common behaviour, I learnt the hard way not to trust men without them earning it. Also I learnt the ones who make a point to say that they are 'too nice' 'easy going' etc are actually the complete opposite.
And that's the brush that genuinely nice guys get tarred with. I'm not having a pop @Ohsugarhoneyicetea , I understand that women have to put up with clowns. I've watered down my profile on sites in the past as I'm seen to be too "nice".. I try and imagine how a woman would view my profile. So most of the softer stuff gets binned.
Bookworm20 · 03/03/2022 14:55

So sorry op. That really is shit.

And those saying at least he was honest when you asked, I actually think he was pretty dishonest and if I was in your shoes I’d feel quite betrayed.

It’s really really shit that the default these days seems to be you sleep with anyone and everyone unless you’ve agreed otherwise. And no need to mention it apparently.

For me the default should be don’t sleep with anyone and everyone unless you’ve agreed otherwise.

It’s depressing to think anyone you date and start getting on well with and sleeping with you have to actually ask them if they would be so kind as to not stick their dick in another woman.

HollowTalk · 03/03/2022 15:07

He was honest with you when you forced him to be. Is he honest with the other woman though? I bet she has no idea at all. Did he say how long he'd been seeing her?

Pyewhacket · 03/03/2022 15:40

I think you had differing opinions of what a casual relationship that was never going to be serious was.

Original poster
Sonaftersonafterson · 03/03/2022 15:46

No idea if he has told her. I'm guessing not. I'm pretty insignificant to him, so why would he mention me.

A weird situation. He was so "nice" about it that it is making me angry. I feel pathetic. To think I sent him a picture in the post last week, of a flower we both love, as a housewarming gift. How embarrassing. Christ.

I thought I was tough enough for all this, been down this road before but with him....argh....he was special to me and now we can't even be friends so I'll miss him.

I'm ranting because I have no one to talk to. Thanks for your comments Flowers

OP posts:
BridgesofMadisonfan · 03/03/2022 15:49

I don't understand why you slept with him without condoms when he hadn't had an sti check?

Original poster
Sonaftersonafterson · 03/03/2022 15:55

He did . We both did.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 03/03/2022 15:57

@Momijin

I'd be tempted to shit him up by telling him you're pregnant. Make him sweat for a while.
How immature
Lightstoobright · 03/03/2022 16:00

Really sorry OP. I would be gutted too.

SunflowerTed · 03/03/2022 16:01

He seems like a decent guy. You weren’t exclusive. Sorry though - must hurt. I don’t think casual is for you - you sound like you want a proper relationship xx

Bookworm20 · 03/03/2022 16:05

Don't be embarrassed OP about sending the picture or anything. It just shows what a lovely person you are and you need to think that it is most definitely his loss.
He should be the one who is embarrassed, he was a dick not telling you he was seeing other people.

Casual or not, he would have known you were under the impression you were only seeing each other. No excuse for trampling on peoples feelings like that, I assume he wasn't a thicko, so he'd of known.

Just be glad you got out now and not a few more months down the line.

Rant away, and please don't feel embarrassed, you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

user1481055867 · 03/03/2022 16:16

@Sonaftersonafterson
Girl....so so sorry, it must be unbearable just now.This shows how men see things so different to us and how we get (well some of us, as some here will tell you) end up here time and time again.Too late, but maybe having exclusivity conversation was important given casual status agreed from the start.What i noticed whenever a woman brings this up it never goes well, speaking from experience.As a woman i would say it to protect my feelings or to initiate "exclusivity conversation" and reactions have always been unpleasant.
I understand what you did being on a coil and have a clear STI check, once i settle into a relationship I do the same thing with partner doing his tests as well, assuming you are only seeing each other.
Good you blocked him, if anything not to write something stupied due to being so upset or worse after a glass of wine. I dont know what to say, we are more engaged with our emotions and to untangle sex and intimacy almost impossible.Maybe you can manage a FWB scenario better in future on your terms, if you are not out for something serious or longterm, but for now to take time to heal a little.Just dont agree to smth casual just because the guy wants it that way and you actually like him or in danger of falling in love with him.

TR888 · 03/03/2022 16:19

Hey OP, if he's a warm, affectionate bloke, then that's how he behaves with his FWBs. Casual sex doesn't have to be cold and detached. It's perfectly possible that he was/is fond of you, without necessarily wanting exclusivity.

I know it's tricky but you know what the answer is in this case? Get another FWB yourself. The issue you're having is that you rely on this man for your sexual needs. If he's not available, you naturally feel disappointed, plus there might be some other feelings lurking beneath the surface that you perhaps don't want to encourage. If you have a second, or indeed third, FWB, you'll dilute those feelings whilst always having some nice male company around.

You're welcome Wink.

Original poster
Sonaftersonafterson · 03/03/2022 16:22

I thought he was a decent guy too. I think he thinks he is. It isn't true though. A decent guy would be just been upfront and given me the choice before having sex with both of us. I wasnt given a choice!

OP posts:
Jennifer2r · 03/03/2022 16:28

There's nothing 'wrong' with having sex with more than one person at once - I've done it for years. Morally it's only a bad thing if they don't know about each other and you don't use protection.

OP I would just never assume, and to be honest in a new relationship I'd use condoms anyway, before you really know someone and whether they are likely to be exclusive to you.

Bookworm20 · 03/03/2022 16:31

I know it's tricky but you know what the answer is in this case? Get another FWB yourself. The issue you're having is that you rely on this man for your sexual needs. If he's not available, you naturally feel disappointed, plus there might be some other feelings lurking beneath the surface that you perhaps don't want to encourage. If you have a second, or indeed third, FWB, you'll dilute those feelings whilst always having some nice male company around.

WTF!

user1481055867 · 03/03/2022 16:34

@TR888

Hey OP, if he's a warm, affectionate bloke, then that's how he behaves with his FWBs. Casual sex doesn't have to be cold and detached. It's perfectly possible that he was/is fond of you, without necessarily wanting exclusivity.

I know it's tricky but you know what the answer is in this case? Get another FWB yourself. The issue you're having is that you rely on this man for your sexual needs. If he's not available, you naturally feel disappointed, plus there might be some other feelings lurking beneath the surface that you perhaps don't want to encourage. If you have a second, or indeed third, FWB, you'll dilute those feelings whilst always having some nice male company around.

You're welcome Wink.

@TR888 Are you a man? A fresh take on the whole thing, you maybe onto something🤔
thisplaceisweird · 03/03/2022 16:34

I'm sorry OP. It's horrible when expectations/standards don't match up. It's not your fault. I think he should have told you.

Time to just mourn the relationship and now you know what you want next time and where your boundaries lie.

ValerieCupcake · 03/03/2022 16:37

@Mermaidwaves

This seems to be the norm now OP and its shit really, it's one of the reasons I've stopped dating as I got very sick of trying to find something exclusive. I found it very damaging to think I was just one of many, a convenience for that week.

Also beware the man who claims he's " too nice" these always end up being the worst! Yes his granny and next door neighbour might think he's adorable but these types often treat women like dirt.

They do. I met one who was full of rubbish and filthy messaging but look at his mother's Facebook and it is full of what a wonderful son he is and how much he loves his mother.
bubblesbubbles11 · 03/03/2022 17:01

"I know it's tricky but you know what the answer is in this case? Get another FWB yourself. The issue you're having is that you rely on this man for your sexual needs. If he's not available, you naturally feel disappointed, plus there might be some other feelings lurking beneath the surface that you perhaps don't want to encourage. If you have a second, or indeed third, FWB, you'll dilute those feelings whilst always having some nice male company around."

maybe misandrist to say this but I genuinely think the vast vast majority of single men want women to think along the lines of the above. Uncommitted sex is what they want if they can possibly get it, with as many willing women as they can get away with.

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